GorillaTheater Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 What do you mean by 'his' way? Isn't there only one way? Speaking as a dad (of 8, for what it's worth), no. There are as many "ways" as there are fathers. Obviously, some ways are better than others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheetara Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 My daughter is 13 now. She started noticing the big differences between her father's lifestyle/behavior and ours when she was 11. It troubled her. We talked a lot about this (my house) being her home, differences in values, and priorities. At 12 she started telling him: I'm coming over, but I have homework. She sees him as a buddy, sometimes feels responsible for his feelings, etc. Basically holds him up as an example of WHAT NOT TO DO. The best thing you can do is keep your grace, keep your values, pick your battles, keep teaching her, dont trash him but point out differences and choices. Dont ever make her feel like she needs to pick! The hardest thing for me has been the times she didnt want to go see him, but didnt want to tell him, didnt want to hurt him....so, I played the bad guy. But we got through it. It kind of sounds like your daughter has to play the role of 'little mommy' to her own father. I hope my own daughter never has to feel responsible or guilty about her father's emotional state, though I'm sure its imminent. The fathers are the adults, their children shouldn't ever have to feel like they have to walk on eggshells for them. But I understand what you are saying. I don't usually trash my ex in front of my daugther anyways, but I suppose being a little more postitive about her visitation time with him might be a step in the right direction. Baby steps for now. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 What do you mean by 'his' way? Isn't there only one way? No, there are many, many ways of choice in raising a child. They result in different adult characteristics sometimes. His choices are just as valid as mine even though I may not agree with them. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 You should NEVER trash her father in front of her. Do you want him trashing you in front of her? Do you want his girlfriend trashing you in front of him? Come on --- be an adult and stop that nonsense. As for there only being one way...again, come on. There are many ways to parent. NO TWO PEOPLE parent the exact same way. He loves her like a father loves his daughter. If he had a son, he would love his son like father loves a son. Some men are better fathers than others. Some women are better mothers than others. We are all different so we all parent differently. I don't know how else to help you; you have to see what you are doing as wrong and want to change that ---- FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheetara Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 You should NEVER trash her father in front of her. Do you want him trashing you in front of her? Do you want his girlfriend trashing you in front of him? Come on --- be an adult and stop that nonsense. I actually said that I DO NOT trash my ex in front of my daughter. I never have. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 It kind of sounds like your daughter has to play the role of 'little mommy' to her own father. I hope my own daughter never has to feel responsible or guilty about her father's emotional state, though I'm sure its imminent. The fathers are the adults, their children shouldn't ever have to feel like they have to walk on eggshells for them. But I understand what you are saying. I don't usually trash my ex in front of my daugther anyways, but I suppose being a little more postitive about her visitation time with him might be a step in the right direction. Baby steps for now. Don't usually isn't the same as I DON'T. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheetara Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Don't usually isn't the same as I DON'T. Okay, I mean intentionally. Every great while something may slip but never on purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Okay, I mean intentionally. Every great while something may slip but never on purpose. Your anger at him is going to cause you to slip up more and more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheetara Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Your anger at him is going to cause you to slip up more and more. Strangely, since venting so much on the internet, I'm not as angry as I used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Strangely, since venting so much on the internet, I'm not as angry as I used to be. :eek:Wow, what were you like before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheetara Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 :eek:Wow, what were you like before? Believe me, anger can be an asset. Especially when you work in a lucrative field that is dominated almost by completely by men;) Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I am glad we were here for you to vent. I also hope that maybe you heard what so many of us were saying and will cut the father some slack, let him be a dad to his daughter and stop pushing him out of his child's life and replacing him with your current husband. Your daughter deserves to have her father in her life and you have the power to let them build their relationship or tear it down. Let him take her camping. Your current husband gets to tuck her into bed 26 nights a month. Her dad doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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