Wife and I are separated. Hurts so much.

[Timbo]

Hello, I am new here. I have read many of the messages posted on this board and they have been of help to me. My thanks to this community.

 

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. I am 28, she is 24. We have the most adorable 5yr old son.

 

We've suffered financial and emotion problems for a while now. I haven't been the same since my father passed away in 2000. I've been an intervert for most of the time until now.

 

About one and a half months ago, she woke me up with a letter stating that she wanted to separate from me during the Thanksgiving weekend (for an undefined amount of time) in order to get some space and time to think. I didn't take it well. I begged her to stay and help me work it out.

 

Time passed and the separation date was approaching. I would ask her if she is staying and she would reply that she didn't know. On Thanksgiving Night I asked her again and she said she would stay. I was relieved and happy. But alas, the following day she left. I didn't try and stop her. I immediately realized my mistake in pressuring her to stay. I have absolutely zero resentment about her saying A and doing B. She knew I would only beg her again, thus intensifying the pain she felt about leaving. (This is my personal feeling...she hasn't said exactly why and I'm not pressuring her to tell me.)

 

She left with my son to stay with her mom who lives about 890 miles away.

 

This was 5 days ago.

 

We have talked over the internet, and she has made sure that I am able to talk to my son as well. I asked her if she wanted to file divorce and she told me that she doesn't know. I asked her if she wanted to try and work it out, and again she doesn't know. She did agree to attend marriage counselling with me.

 

We both agree on the fact that we love each other and our son immensely. She is unsure if she is "in love" with me anymore. I do not want our marriage to end.

 

My wife is the love of my life. She and my son mean everything to me. She's always been a faithful and loving wife. I have no concerns about my son being so far away from me, because I know he's in excellent hands. That doesn't stop me from missing him, though.

 

The contact, itself, is painful to me. I'm pretty certain it's the same for her as well.

 

Should I give her a contact "timeout" or keep the contact? I've asked her if it hurts the space and time requirement she has, but she says it doesn't. I fear she may be sparing my feelings instead of speaking her mind on this.

 

There's been no talk on a "deadline" for when she needs to know if shes divorcing me or not.

 

She says that I need to concentrate on myself while she straightens herself out as well. I think she's right.

 

I hope I am making sense. I tend to babble on sometimes.

 

Should I do anything at all? Should I just chill and work on my issues while she does her soul searching?

 

Thanks for listening to my story. Any and all advice is much appreciated.

[Arabess]

Anytime you lose someone you love it's painful. In a marriage with a child...it's even worse. I don't know if there is anything you can do or not do to bring it back together. She did say she is interested in marriage counseling. Therefore, it doesn't sound like she's giving up on the relationship.

 

I think I would consider her age in that she has been married all of her adult life. Maybe she wants to assess the situation to see if 'her life' (not just being with you) is going in the direction she wanted for herself. Everyone gets to a place in their life when they need some time to stop and reflect. Maybe this is the time she is doing that in regards to her own life.

 

You have no choice but to stay in contact for your child's sake. You may want to tone down discussing the relationship till she has had a chance to think about it without influence. I know that's going to be tough for you....maybe even a little unfair....especially since it's a holiday season. It's really all you can do though.

 

Just keep posting, find some diversions and let time run it's course.

 

Hand in there my friend.

 

Arabess

[Timbo]

Thank you, Arabess.

 

I will try and remain strong and hang in there for my son. I know she can't give me the answers I desire at this time. It's just so hard to fight back the emotions while I talk to her. The longing to touch her face, and her hair. To hold her close to me.

 

I miss them both so very much.

[Something Blue]

Hi Timbo,

 

I sent you a PM regarding a book you might be interested in given your situation. I don't have much advice for you given that I've never been in your situation, but I do know of some good learning tools that you might benefit from. Just wanted to help.

[Timbo]

Sorry for the long pause in getting back to this thread. I've been trying to keep my mind off of it. Doesn't work very well, though.

 

My wife is still unsure of our relationship.

 

The past few days we've talked, she did tell me that she feels a bit better about the chances for our marriage. I can't explain in words how that made me feel inside, but rest assured it was a good feeling.

 

She says she still needs time and I tell her that it's ok. I do have to check myself from time to time to keep from doing anything that might be percieved as pressure.

 

I've been doing things to lift myself up and they do help.

 

The nights are agonizing tho.

 

I miss her and my son so very much.

 

I try and not think about what happens if her decision is to divorce me. The very thought of it tears me up so bad inside.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to listen.

[Timbo]

Just a quick update.

 

Well, not a real update because nothing has really changed. Just consider it notification that I am still alive and kicking perhaps?

 

I talked to my son last night and he asked if he could come home for Christmas. I do not have the money right now to fly him down (and I am extremely apprehensive with the idea of him flying down with a stranger in the first place). When he asked if he could come home, I began to cry. (We were talking on the internet, so I turned the mic off for a moment.)

 

I pray every day for the strength and the guidance to make it through this dark hour. I pray that the lord watches over them and that they return to me.

 

I hope. It's all I can do.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[cwand2208]

I just found and read you post and hope all is well with you through this time. Reading this sent shivers down my spine because I am at the same exact emotional stage in my relationship and can relate. I too can babble so dont worry.

 

To give you a little feedback about myself. I am 26 and she is 25. We share a beautiful 5yr old son. We have been married for 3.5 years and together for 9 years.

 

I, like you was struck with my wife wanting a separation. We separated very quickly and I was extremely torn up inside. After a couple weeks of begging and pleading with her to reconcile, we got back together. Now after 3 months of being back together and trying to work through all of our issues, we have decided to separate again.

 

The only advise I can give is that begging and pleading does not win your wife back. When we got back, I tried so hard to meet her needs that I was actually smothering her and did not give the time needed to heal.

 

As far as the contact goes with her, I agree totally with Arabess. Try not to talk so much about the relationship if at all right now, this is what drained my wife. If she is interested in counseling, this is definitely a good sign, but not a guarantee. The last thing you want to do is pressure her, even if you dont mean to.

 

Assuming from the age of you and your wife, she has spent all of her adult life raising a child and being a wife. She has probably lost touch with herself along the way. She doesnt know herself without you and needs to find it.

 

I am now just learning that my wife cant feel pressured in any way. Even though this was not my intention, this is what my wife has been feeling for the past 3 1/2 months. Take this time and find out who you are. Only pressure yourself on breaking the habits that annoy her, not for her to forgive you for them.

 

I hope this helps? I am just as confused and learning more everyday. I wish you all the best and make the most of the holidays for your boy.

 

Sincerely,

Charlie

[hurtinrealbad]

I feel your pain!! My wife will be moving out on January 1st with my 4 y/o son. Same exact reason for moving out, she needs here time and space, doesn't know what she wants, doesn't want a divorce right now. The pain is so immense that I can't even sleep at night, concentrate at work, or even be around people and she hasn't even left yet. Christmas was almost unbearable because I saw all the other couples dancing and being affectionate and all I could do was watch and hurt. I wake up at odd hours of the morning having panic attacks, not knowing where I am, etc.

 

I wish I could give you some advice, but I don't even know what to do myself. Just know that you're definitely not alone in this.

 

Keep in touch and let me know how things are going and I will do the same. I hope and pray that we both get through this and that both of our wives find it in their hearts to come back to us.

[Timbo]

Thanks for the replies, guys. Thank you so much. I hope you guys had a great Christmas.

 

My Christmas turned out to be "interesting" to say the least.

 

My aunt tried to commit suicide and my uncle had to be rushed off to the hospital because his terminal illness has reached a critical point. He isn't expected to live.

 

I can tell you now - there are such things as miracles.

 

I had a great Christmas. The Lord reached down and touched my heart and granted me a miracle. No, I didn't come home to my wife and my son. No, my wife didn't call and say they were both coming home soon.

 

The Lord granted me a grateful heart. I was able to take the good and push aside the bad.

 

She's opening up to me little by little now (she's non-confrontational - I am too) , and I have the most lovable son. I have the rest of my family. Life can always get better, but it isn't so bad.

 

Who was it that said "When you stop gettin' better, you stop gettin' good"?

 

Happy holidays.

 

Tim

[Timbo]

Blast from the past.

 

It's been awhile since I've updated this thread, but I've a good update to post.

 

I've been working on myself really hard. I've just gotten a new job that gives a nice boost to our financial situation. I've also been working hard on the emotional end of things. I decided that I wasn't going to give up on my dream of having my family together, but I also resolved to get myself emotionally ready to be able to give her what she wanted - even if it were a divorce. I realized that I love her enough to let her go if that's what she needed to be happy.

 

Just when I was pretty sure that I had lost her (and I was pretty well on the way to accepting it), things took a turn for the better. One night when we talking, she told me that she really wanted to see and be with me, and that she was pretty sure she was still in love with me. She said that she has been battling the feeling that I couldn't love her again after what she's done to me, and I assured her that what has happened had to happen. I see clearly now that our efforts to work on ourselves are going to lead to a stronger marriage.

 

Exactly when she is coming home is still up in the air, because she needs time to finish sorting herself and to heal a little. I'm just being her man and hanging in there for her.

 

My son continues to be the happy little man he's always been.

 

I love them both so much.

 

Early Happy Valentines Day to you all.

 

Tim

[elvishead666]

I feel your pain.

 

I am 33, my wife 32 and we are freshly separated, from 3 year marriage, 8 year relationship. I am having a hard time not wanting to get a divorce. She has selfishly kicked me out of my house and wants to be "friends". I on the other hand selfishly do not. It is rather difficult for me to speak to her with her since her attitude has changed about us. She stated she needed space, which has happened. She says she cannot "work on our marriage" for the time beign and is unshure what she wants. She doesn't know if she still wants to be married. We have no children. I do love her, but she cannot answer any of my questions. I have let her know I cannot shut my heart off and be friends so easily. I asked her not to contact me until I have had time to deal with my feelings. What have you guys learned from your experiences that might be benefial for me to consider?

 

I love her, and a divorce will not heal my pain. I am truly unhappy. Yet I do not want to compromise my wants either. Any insight is appreciated.

[Timbo]

The latest (and probably last) update to this thread isn't a good one.

 

My wife dropped the bomb on me and told me that for the last 3 months or so she's been seeing someone.

 

She tells me that she didn't know how to tell me. I feel like my heart is screaming in pain.

 

My marriage is over and my family will never be together again. I don't know what to do with myself. Everything I imagined and planned for myself centered around coming home to them each and every day.

 

I've grown accustomed to my best friend being by my side during hard times such as this. I am so totally lost.

 

I do wish her well, and hope that this guy treats her well.

 

I feel like I am dying inside. It's hard, but I am doing my best to let go.

 

Tim

[sinkerswim]

I am sorry for your pain Timbo.

My brother is going through a very similar situation...

She didnt give any explanation as to why...no apologies nothing.

 

He comes home and takes care of his 3 kids, and has to face the night alone without her.

But he is strong and gets on.

I wish I was more like him with my situation.

 

Anyway,,, hang in there.

[Timbo]

I've decided to keep writing in hopes of getting some small release from this crushing pain I feel.

 

I know that this time will pass and I won't always hurt like this, but it seems such small consolation. There are regrets that I have - the "what if's" and the "why didn't I's" that I know I will probably carry with me for all my life because this woman is the mother of my son. I guess you could say that I am wishing I could turn back time and make those changes. I realise that all the wishing in the world can't change anything though.

 

They (she and my son) are coming down for Easter and I will be spending that time with them. I am feeling really apprehensive about it, because I don't know how to react to her. I haven't seen her since the end of November 2003. I am very much looking forward to seeing my son and spoiling him as much as humanly possible.

 

I have to admit that a part of me hopes that she sees me and falls for me again. I know it's not going to happen, but it's there in the back of my mind.

 

Thanks again for reading.

 

Tim

[yekcoh]

Timbo--

 

When she does come with your son, and hopefully she won't bring the guy, try acting as if everything is fine with your life. I've had a lot of friends in very similar situations, that tried this and it worked for ALL OF THEM. She was probably lonely, and although you feel betrayed and it hurts and it sucks, you have to let her deal with that. Don't talk to her about him at all. This is not the time for that.

 

You were married for some time, and it sounds like you're the one that changed it. Devastating as circumstances may have been, you need to understand how your wife felt when you changed. Be careful of having any kind of talk right now. Especially about divorce. If you think there is hope, just be yourself, unless yourself is sad and crying all the time. Be happy and up-beat. Tell her only the good that's happened in your life. Nothing about your stomach feeling like it's been in knots for the past 4 months. If she initiates "the talk" let her control it. If she's talking about it all, that's a good sign. Even though what she says may not feel like a good sign. Uncertainty on her part is good for you. If she seems adamant about wanting to end it, tell her how you feel about it without being sappy and blubbering, she'll have to take it from there.

 

When you are acting like everything is fine, it will perk her interest. If you're happy and excited to see your son and her, she will be relieved, to say the very least. NOBODY wants to sit in a room for an extended period of time with someone who's depressed and sad, especially if they know that they are the reason for the depression.

 

And for Pete's sake, maybe not Pete but definatley your son, if she shows up with Divorce papers for you to sign, don't. Don't be a jerk about it. Just tell her no it's not what you want. And END the conversation about it, even if she still tries to talk about it.

 

I hope so much for you and your family that it works out.

 

Keep in mind that I'm divorced and extremely afraid to even get into another relationship, so I don't know how much weight my relationship advice will have.

 

Good Luck

[Timbo]

yekcoh,

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I actually talked to her friday and she told me that she has to admit that she feels excited, anxious, and nervous about seeing me. She told me that she also has to admit that she's not sure how she feels about me with not having seen me for this amount of time.

 

I am trying to push what she said aside so that I don't pump myself up too much. Rather, I am using this as a catalyst for my own growing excitement to see them both. She did bring up collecting the rest of her things from our home. I guess I don't have to say that it was a huge blow for me.

 

She tells me she loves me everytime we talk. I love her, too.

 

Feeling like I've ran too far to ever get home again,

 

Tim

[yekcoh]

That's excellent!! Uncertainty means hope.

 

If she does want to collect her things, ask her if you can take your son out while she does it so you don't have to watch. No sense in throwing salt on an open wound.

 

By the way, where are they staying while they are out there?

[Timbo]

The answer to that question is up in the air. She tells me that she won't know anything until she gets down here and we are face to face.

 

I must admit I haven't felt this amount of anticipation since I took her to her senior prom. If it's anything like this for her then I think sparks might fly. I feel so strange - I am getting myself ready to see her off and at the same time I feel things I haven't felt in a long time about she and I.

 

I called just prior to posting this about my son. He hurt his head while playfully falling off the couch and had to have stitches. He's fine but insists that only he touch it. Heheh. That's definitely my boy.

 

She told me "I still love you". Maybe it's nothing.

 

She will be here Thursday.

 

Tim

[blondebarbie]

Timbo

 

I am going through the same thing. I am 30 yr old female and have been with my husband for 13 years! I love him and miss him so much! My son is with me, but I can't bare the pain! I am going to counseling myself and soon will have my son into counseling because he is feeling the affect of it all! I am so lost without him! I cry everyday and all day! He has a girlfriend of 2 months and we have only been seperated for 3 months! I am trying to hang on! I see him everyday because I go there to talk to him! Now I feel like I said what I had to say and if he loves me he will come home!

 

I wish you all the best of luck! I know how hard it is! You can't eat,sleep or even concentrate!

 

Good Luck

[torngirl]

Tim,

 

I have been following your story and I feel terrible for you and all that you have been through. Try to seek comfort in your friends and stay as busy as you can. It's a tough time for you right now and all you can do is focus on yourself. I know that you feel lost and out of control and helpless, but in time it will go away.

 

Don't think about the should have's or would have's. I know that you love her and that it's confusing. If she doesn't take any interest in reconciling the relationship when you see her, don't get your hopes up. Sometimes it's better for you both to let the other person leave, even better in the end, for your son.

 

I sincerly hope that it works out. I will look for an update. Take care.

[Kelsy274]

Hi Timbo. I cried reading all of this. I am the one who left my marriage. We have a beautiful 5 year old son. Have an 11 year history together/6 year marriage. I asked for the "separation", and he moved out 3 months ago. It kills me everyday to see how much it is hurting him. We both are at fault for the small things that created big fights that "bruised" the relationship, but ultimately I have "fallen out of love". I love him, I care for him and I always will. He and my son will always be most important to me. But I can't pretend to be happy anymore. I can't be sincere to him in every way, including intimacy, that a wife should her husband.

I know how bad you hurt, best of luck to you.

 

"The Best Use of Life is Love. The Best Expression of Love is Time. The Best Time to Love is Now"

[Timbo]

Thanks so much for the replies.

 

We've spent the last couple of days together and she tells me that she doesn't know if she wants a divorce or not. She's told me that she still finds me very attractive and has romantic feelings for me.

 

She looks so very tired and so very lost. I don't know what to do. She can't sleep, and her memory is totally shot. I came right out and asked her if she needed help, and she began to weep heavily and she said that she didn't know. I am concerned about her well being - which is something that comes way before any consideration of a relationship with me. How do I convince her to seek help? She's a very stubborn person when it comes to seeking help.

 

Someone please help me. I love this woman more than I can ever put into words.

 

Wishing I could die and not have it affect anyone else,

 

Tim

[oscaroc]

I am in a similiar situation my wife has left me, but she told me she wanted a divorce it has been almost a week. And i have handled the situation completely wrong the first couple of days. I am now leaving her alone in hopes that she will work through whatever problems she is having. I don't know if that is the right thing to do.

 

I hope that she doesn't have another man but it definetly is a possibilty. I know she has started using drugs and has let herself go. It is very hard to trust that someone on drugs will make a good decision involving our 2 year old son, herself and I. She is very irrational and won't even think of going to a counselor. It really sucks for the first time in my life a have to take medication to function at work and in daily life. What do you do you know. My life is in her hands. I still love her very much but i want to give up.

 

Don't blame yourself. Keep your head up and good luck

[Timbo]

This afternoon when I got home from work, she and I talked on the phone a little and then some on the internet.

 

We were talking and she came right out and asked "what do YOU want?". I was honest and told her that I want us to fall deeply inlove with one another and raise our son together. She said she will give it "some consideration".

 

Her stance on "us" is that she knows that she loves me, cares for me, and that I am very dear to her. She's still unsure if she has enough romantic affection to sustain a marriage. She apologized again for putting me "in a horrible hell."

 

So confused and tired,

 

Tim

[oscaroc]

"some consideration" What is that supposed to mean. Is she going to drag this out for another six months. She needs to pull it together so you two can take care of you kid, because that is the most important thing right. Whether your together or not.