New here, heres my story

[tojaz]

I started something new at work; I put a rubberband around my wrist and every time I start to get angry or feel the rush of emotions coming on I snap the rubberband. It helps me snap out of it, but by the end of the night I had red welts all over my wrists.

 

A fe songs popped into my head that helped me get through it, "I will survive" (pretty much all of the words made sense to me especially "I'm saving all my lovin for someone who's lovin me...") and Bonnie Raitt's song; "I cant make you love me if you dont, I cant make your heart feel something it wont"

 

J-Dad, don't run or punish yourself for the emotions your having. It just leads to more pain and backslides. Let it out if you need to, come here and rant, scream, or if you have to, just cry! In the end it's something you have to let out. I tried the rubber band, pinching myself, your not there yet bro, let it wash over you so you can get past it. Holding it in hurts like hell. Theres no shame in feeling the pain from this. Remember that.

TOJAZ

[Lamak]

J-Dad, my only advice to you is that you have to take things a day at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you have random emotions, you were together for 11 years. Just try to do productive things and stay true to yourself. I think this will be a classic thread, I think I'll monitor it.

[J-Dad]

I think this will be a classic thread, I think I'll monitor it.

 

Classic in what way I am wondering. Classic in the symptoms I suppose.

 

A mixed bag today. Started off by taking my children to school but got a few minutes to talk with them and they are starting to get more upset every day. After I dropped them off I went to her mother's house (where she is staying) and was about to leave but she asked me to stay a bit longer and chat. I did and it was great. She talked about life and I listened and was happy to be there with her. Then she came out of the bathroom after taking a shower and had that look in her eye . Nothing happened, but we had a great morning talking and she could not stop telling me how great I looked, I smiled and told her that I am becoming a new man.

 

Then after that, I came home and my dog was still vomiting and would not eat, so I decided to take him to the vet. Apparently he likes to eat tennis balls. Long story short, the vet had to do surgery to remove it from his intestine and I will go and pick him up tomorrow and most likely be $1000 poorer. So during all of this I got to sleep a grand total of about an hour and a half since yesterday at 2 pm. So that's 36 hours with a 1.5 hour nap.

 

After getting back home from my class I saw that she moved our (now her) bed out. No wife, no kids, no dog and an empty house; ouch, that stings to the core. She was supposed to come over tonight but called and cancelled because she is drained, I dont blame her, I am too. But we are still on for breakfast for tomorrow and we all might go trick or treating together on halloween, we shall see.

 

My first counseling appointment is tomorrow, excited and nervous.

[J-Dad]

J-Dad, don't run or punish yourself for the emotions your having. It just leads to more pain and backslides. Let it out if you need to, come here and rant, scream, or if you have to, just cry! In the end it's something you have to let out. I tried the rubber band, pinching myself, your not there yet bro, let it wash over you so you can get past it. Holding it in hurts like hell. Theres no shame in feeling the pain from this. Remember that.

TOJAZ

 

Not punishing, just trying to get those thoughts out of my head so I can focus on work. It helps, but I need to find another coping mechanism, OUCH!

[J-Dad]

Man, after re reading some of my earlier posts I am all over the map! I just gotta get my head on straight. Have had only 3 beers since she left (Oct 3rd) and all of those were last Sunday. Have not looked at porn since last Sunday and have been trying to be a better father and a better listener.

 

To all you other separated folks out there follow the advice that has been handed out here; I have done both sides of the coin; played it cool and I tried the begging/pleading/reasoning/promising. Playing it cool, although against all of your natural instincts, will help you feel better in the end and help your SO deal with what they have to deal with. Much better results with the cool method

[tojaz]

Classic in what way I am wondering. Classic in the symptoms I suppose.

 

Some threads just die as quickly as they started and some just live on through the whole ordeal and read like a novel. I think thats what he means, your putting it out there and people take interest and eventually people will learn from it.

 

Not punishing, just trying to get those thoughts out of my head so I can focus on work. It helps, but I need to find another coping mechanism, OUCH!

Thwacking your wrist with a rubberband sounds like punishment to me. Realize that your emotions ARE your coping mechanism. The trick is to control them without surpressing them. Be sad, be angry, be whatever you need to be at the moment, but avoid total collapse, or at least hold it off until you can let it out safely. It's hard, I've had some epic meltdowns, but holding it back feels ten times worse.

TOJAZ

[J-Dad]

I'm not arguing with you about it, I just cant focus on my personal situation at work. I know its not healthy to supress my emotions but I need to be at the top of my game because I am working around heavy machinery and one slip could be very costly. I have been doing a pretty good job the past few days at work anyways, I only freak out on my lunch break or after work. Needless to say the support system at work is not the greatest, most of the men are bitter divorcees who want me to give all of my $ to a lawyer to run her into the ground. They dont want to hear that I am trying to work through my own issues and work towards reconciliation, they want me to go out and drink the pain away and find some drunk bar girl to "help".

 

Maybe they are kind of right, but I am going to follow my own path, because I have seen where thier paths have led them and I dont want to be like that.

[tojaz]

I'm not arguing with you about it, I just cant focus on my personal situation at work. I know its not healthy to supress my emotions but I need to be at the top of my game because I am working around heavy machinery and one slip could be very costly. I have been doing a pretty good job the past few days at work anyways, I only freak out on my lunch break or after work. Needless to say the support system at work is not the greatest, most of the men are bitter divorcees who want me to give all of my $ to a lawyer to run her into the ground. They dont want to hear that I am trying to work through my own issues and work towards reconciliation, they want me to go out and drink the pain away and find some drunk bar girl to "help".

 

 

I'm not arguing either. I work in a very similar situation with plenty of hazards that require the clear head. I just found it better for me, to take the time to get through it and then go back to work, then to try to push through it all because that truly cleared it rather then a momentary snap.

 

I also had a similar group of guys around me. The bitter and jaded people I was surrounded by would push repeatedly "to rake her over the coals" Thats not the guy I am or even the ex i wanted to be for her.

 

Maybe they are kind of right, but I am going to follow my own path, because I have seen where thier paths have led them and I dont want to be like that.

Thefact that you said something very similar shows you have a lot of charachter. Follow your own path, sounds like it's the right one.

TOJAZ

[J-Dad]

Have not been on in a while due to a nasty computer virus. Things have been good and bad, still riding the roller coaster. Sometimes I'm over the moon, then hours later I'm under a rock. The hardest part is going to bed by myself and coming home to an empty house, no people noises, no one to talk to and share my feelings with any more. I do my best but end up bawling like a baby at some point through almost every day. People say it gets better as each day passes but I dont agree. If anything it gets worse.

 

I convinced her to file for seperation instead of divorce because I am not ready for divorce. At least she gave me that. She said that I have broken her heart too much over the years for her to want to be with me. So be it, but is that a reason to tear a family apart?!?!

[Logik]

I convinced her to file for seperation instead of divorce because I am not ready for divorce. At least she gave me that. She said that I have broken her heart too much over the years for her to want to be with me. So be it, but is that a reason to tear a family apart?!?!

 

I did the same thing. I wasn't ready for a divorce either. The problem with this is it prolongs the experience. If I could've gone back I would've given her the divorce the first time she asked for it. Kind of like ripping off a band aid instead of pulling it off slowly. I also thought I'd be able to turn things around in the time I had "bought", but no luck there. We agreed on a time frame but then she turned around and cut it short. Everything is about what she wants and nothing else.

 

But if it's what you need, then you need to do it that way. Everyone's situation is different.

[J-Dad]

Its been a while since i have posted on here, I have found that coming here and talking actually makes me feel worse, like i'm dewlling on my situation. Not running away from it, its just too painful to constantly dredge up the feelings and run over all of the "what ifs".

 

Life has been up and down since the last time I posted. We have had some positive interactions along with some negative ones. I laid it all out on the line, I told her what I wanted from her, i told her I would wait forever, (not what you are supposed to do) but I want her with every shred of my being. I dont want her back, I want to start a new life together, she seemed somewhat open to it, but who knows. Every day has been getting a little better, NC is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, its so hard to ignore the person you thought you were going to grow old with!

 

I have been being more social with people, when I have time. Going to counceling sessions and they seem to be going very good. I have all but given up drinking; rather than drinking being a routine, it is reserved for special occasions, I went out with my aunts last night and had 2 drinks, I've only had 5 beers since she moved out over a month ago. I know its not quitting, but I still think I am allowed to have some fun once in a while as long as I'm not abusing it. No more porn since she moved out either.

 

I've tried to reconnect with some people from my past and its hard to do since we both relied so much on eachother and shut everyone else out. But like I said, it gets a *little* better every day. She is still talking and texting her "dude", who I may add is quite the character, several convictions for cocaine and other great things on his record! Either way, if she's not with me, it dosent matter who she's with now. I just hope this sleaze bag dosent find his way around my daughters.

 

I don't know what my future holds, but the pitty party that I have been throwing myself for the last month feels like it is about over, the emotions arent as raw as they used to be, not completely moving on, but the shock is starting to wear off. Like my incredible aunt said, "Its time to start a new chapter with new characters"

[J-Dad]

Another thing my aunt brought up is that it could be the shock of turning 30. I think she woke up one day and realized how "old" she was and didnt like where she was in life and freaked out. Maybe just a phase, maybe not, but I cant stay on this ride forever unless some things change. Big time...

[JLoves]

Your post made me think of one of my addictions.. I have a thing for boots.

 

I guess it's too little too late now, but I have gone cold turkey and unsubscribed from the picture mailing lists I'm on and deleting traces of it.

 

Either way, being home alone with anything sex related is not good.

 

It sounds like you are coping as well as you can. I think my SO has had the MLC as well.. And as much as I'd like her to come out of it and come back, she is the one that needs to work on it.

[J-Dad]

Your post made me think of one of my addictions.. I have a thing for boots.

 

I guess it's too little too late now, but I have gone cold turkey and unsubscribed from the picture mailing lists I'm on and deleting traces of it.

 

Either way, being home alone with anything sex related is not good.

 

It sounds like you are coping as well as you can. I think my SO has had the MLC as well.. And as much as I'd like her to come out of it and come back, she is the one that needs to work on it.

 

 

Exactly! I know that I have problems, but she took off. She's got plenty of her own to work on. And not having a partner when there is a porn/sex problem sucks so bad!

[J-Dad]

I called her up last night while I was at work which is NOT part of 180 but whatever! We talked for 30 minutes and it was all good. Just 2 people talking about their days, like 2 people should talk, no arguing, no accusing. I tell you my friends it was great. I must be addicted to her because I was having a horrible night, incredibly tense and feeling like I was ready to blow and I heard her voice and it took it all away, it was OK after I got my "fix" of her.

 

Anyway, good conversation, a good foundation to move forward? YES! She called me this morning and asked me to ride along with her to Starbucks. I of course had to kind of play it cool and not freak out and jump for joy, just kinda nonchalantly say "sure, that'll be cool." Again, it was great, had a couple of brief relapses, but nothing major. What it came down to is her saying "Step 1 is to be friends, I dont know what step 2 is, or if there is a step 2. But step 1 is being friends." Good enough for me. I can be her friend at least. If nothing else, I've gained a friend. Maybe eventually I will start anew with my soulmate, but for now, it feels good to have a friend.

[J-Dad]

What a difference a few days makes...

 

She came over last thursday night and spilled everything. She told me that she had made a huge mistake and wanted to try and work on our issues and not go through with the divorce / separation. WOW!!! So, we put our rings back on and have been spending lots of great times together. Its not all fixed now, but we are talking and working together. Good times!

 

Lets hope that we can move forward and grow from this horrible experience.

 

For all of you others out there, listen to the folks here, they know what they are talking about! I dont know what the future holds for my wife and I, but it looks much better now than it did even a week ago. I did NOT follow the rules of 180 or no contact, everyone is different. I started going to councelling and started working on myself and she saw the difference and started seeing the man I want to become and that was enough for her. I know we're not out of the woods yet, but at least the sun is shining...