I had an Affair, and am now pregnant.

[Church Bells]

There are helpful people here; unfortunately you just didn't get replies from them on your thread this time. I feel badly that you didn't receive the feedback you so desperately needed.

 

I'm sorry, but she got EXACTLY the feedback that she needed. In hindsight, when I was in my 20's ... I wish I had listened to advice that was "hard to hear", but came from the collective WISDOM of those who had travelled that path before me.

 

This particular OP has made some very bad life choices ... many of us have, too ... but there is no need for those choices to DEFINE the rest of our lives once we admit to ourselves that we have indeed made a mistake.

 

We can't change the past, but we can change our behaviors in the future in order to make better life choices for a better future ... not only for ourselves, but for those that were also affected by our poor choices both directly and indirectly.

 

It's called ... GROWING UP AND BEING RESPONSIBLE!!!

[Snowflower]

I'm sorry, but she got EXACTLY the feedback that she needed. In hindsight, when I was in my 20's ... I wish I had listened to advice that was "hard to hear", but came from the collective WISDOM of those who had travelled that path before me.

 

This particular OP has made some very bad life choices ... many of us have, too ... but there is no need for those choices to DEFINE the rest of our lives once we admit to ourselves that we have indeed made a mistake.

 

We can't change the past, but we can change our behaviors in the future in order to make better life choices for a better future ... not only for ourselves, but for those that were also affected by our poor choices both directly and indirectly.

 

It's called ... GROWING UP AND BEING RESPONSIBLE!!!

 

I'm sure the OP on this thread is long gone...

 

Yes, obviously the OP made some very bad life choices. No argument there...and from what the OP posted here I think she knew she had screwed up in a major way.

 

And in her final post she was being responsible...she was considering adoption and was going to try fix things within her marriage.

 

She had come here looking for guidance and ideas on how to best handle the situation and instead she got the typical vitriol. She is already in enough of a crisis; yes, it was her own doing, but the last thing she needed was the condemnation she received here. I don't get why some posters feel the need to 'rip into' someone some more. I think some posters somehow assuage their own pain by tearing down an anonymous poster here....and this isn't the only time it happens. How does tearing the OP down really help her? The situation has already been created...perhaps the best way to help her is to give her some helpful suggestions about how to deal with situation going forward?

 

I completely get the 'tough advice' approach and it is some of the most helpful advice someone can receive here. I've received the tough words when I posted my situation here and while it hurt at the time, I could see some of the wisdom.

 

I just felt badly for this OP because she was already in a heck of a predicament and received a lot of harsh criticism here for what she had done. Not helpful, IMO.

 

'nuf said!

[Church Bells]

I can't tell whether you're agreeing with me, or just being sarcastic.

 

AGREEING with you completely ... sorry for not being clear.

 

I, too, orignally married way too young. I still remember my own revelation where I turned the corner from being immature to "starting" to mature as a person. Unfortunately, it didn't happen until my late 20's, when I TRULY realized that I "didn't know everything", and quite frankly ... based on some of the choices I'd made ... "didn't know *****".

 

I then had a conversation with my father and told him how much "smarter" he'd gotten in the past 10 years. It was my way of saying "sorry" for not taking his advice/wisdom to heart sooner. I could have AVOIDED a lot of pain for a lot of people from my own poor choices.

 

Obviously, the OP is still a long way away from this revelation and has chosen, like so many immature people, to run away from "hard to hear" advice, in favor of "HOPE". Unfortunately, "HOPE" is not a plan and usually falls short of its intended goal.

[65tr6]

Thank you all for your advice, me and my husband are going to do everything to work on our marriage. This child will be provided a loving family, whether it be with me or someone else. That is the end of the story, I was under the assumption that I could bring my story to a place like this without being judged, I was most definetly wrong. Anyway, thank you all and goodbye.

 

OP, hope you are still checking on this thread. Again, you got this wrong. Is that judging ? I dont know. If someone did something wrong/immoral, is it not ok to point that out ? Do you get excused because you are an adult ? How does that work ?

 

You work on yourself first not the marriage.

 

I have no idea what it feels like to have miscarriages but I can venture a guess and say it must have been very traumatic. You are at the cross roads. Yes your situation is different and more complex but not impossible. Understand that you need more than mere compassion from the folks alike. You dont someone to agree with you. You dont need to follow what your heart says. You must lead it by employing sound judgement. It starts with working on yourself. You know I have heard the phrase "I need space". I don't know if people who said it meant "I am going to work on myself....be a good person, be a good (wo)man, be a good wife/husband, be a good mom/dad". I hope they did and not just get away to think it true but not follow up with any actions.

 

My best wishes to you...Hope you find the strength you need to get through this.

[silverstalkings]

You should consider finding out for sure whether it's his child or not before you make any decisions on keeping the child. This child will be a constant reminder to not only you, but him as well of your affair and it is obvious he is not taking it well as it is! He is acting out in extreme ways with other women. I'm sorry but it sounds as if there is nowhere for your relationship to go now but down in the gutter.

[silverstalkings]

I philosophically disagree with the above. We see way too many parents put their child/children above their spouse, with predicatable results. IMHO, the spouses needs come FIRST, with the children taking a secondary place on the priority list.

 

 

You must not have kids.

 

I'm sorry, but if I was to remarry or whatnot, there is no way in hell I'd put a "spouse" in front of my children like so many idiotic women(including my mother) did! CHILDREN ALWAYS COME FIRST! No man or woman should come before the well-being of your own children. If the "spouse" is not mature enough to understand this, they have NO PLACE being a step-parent anyways.

[Jaspe_Loco]

i love how people decide after the fact to except god into their lives! ahhhh,why not think of this first?

 

Yeah, my wife is on her third "Salvation" experience!!! It seems satan made her cheat, lie, be verbally and physically abusive, and otherwise be a horrible person. Now satan is making me want to leave her... according to her and her pastor/counselor.

[tami-chan]

Yeah, my wife is on her third "Salvation" experience!!! It seems satan made her cheat, lie, be verbally and physically abusive, and otherwise be a horrible person. Now satan is making me want to leave her... according to her and her pastor/counselor.

 

 

LOL!!!!!:lmao:!!!! very funny...!

[boldjack]

Well, you know about that satan guy, he's a pasky little devil!!

[Impudent Oyster]

I believe he WAS being honest with your when he said those things, however, that was BEFORE he found out that you were PREGNANT with possibly the OM's baby! THAT kinda changes things! I gotta tell ya, it takes a very special person to 'get over' something like that. I couldn't.

If I were him, I would be done...and you would be on your own.

 

 

I agree. I could never raise a child that was the product of my spouses affair nor could I forgive that kind of carelessness.

[Impudent Oyster]

Giving up the poor Child. This is a horror story.

 

That little innocent life asked for none of this. All that child is going to want is to be loved by a family.

 

The hell with loving your husband, Religion or what your willing to do for him. You should be worried about that child and provide it the best life possible where with your husband or not.

 

 

Oh please, lots of adoptive children thrive in loving households being raised by TWO PARENTS who want them.

 

Some of you act like giving a child up for adoption is a terrible thing, when in fact, those children are far better off being raised by their adoptive parents than their biological parents.

[Impudent Oyster]

He has no interest in raising the child if it were his. And I have no desire to keep him in my life. I was not expecting to be married to my affair, I get tested twice a year for STD's, and I do not have any. My affair partner was coming out of a marriage where his ex wife was has been his only partner. I did use a condom.. just not soon enough. And I had previously thought that I had problems getting pregnant/keeping pregnancies, this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have had 3 miscarriages. I was not concerned so much about getting pregnant, I really thought it wouldn't happen. My desire for a child is high, but not at the price of the love of my life. I will do the best thing for my baby, if its with me, or without me. I swear this is not a decision me and my husband will be making lightly.

 

Did you say you were 21 years old? And you've been pregnant FOUR TIMES?

 

Okay, that is a HUGE problem right there. What's your hurry?

 

Maybe you should wait until you've been in a mature, stable relationship for at least 5 years before you even consider having unprotected sex again?

 

Unbelievable.

[Impudent Oyster]

Thank you all for your advice, me and my husband are going to do everything to work on our marriage. This child will be provided a loving family, whether it be with me or someone else. That is the end of the story, I was under the assumption that I could bring my story to a place like this without being judged, I was most definetly wrong. Anyway, thank you all and goodbye.

 

If you were looking for people to excuse your acutely irresponsible behavior, then yes, you came to the wrong place.

 

Google gloryb, they will support irresponsible behavior without judgment.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree. I could never raise a child that was the product of my spouses affair nor could I forgive that kind of carelessness.

 

I wouldn't be able to do it if I knew BEFORE the baby was born that it wasn't going to be mine.

 

But lets say my 2 children, who are both over 5, ended up not being mine(which I know they are)....I don't think I could just walk away from them. I'd have grown attached and would still love them like my own.

[tami-chan]

I wouldn't be able to do it if I knew BEFORE the baby was born that it wasn't going to be mine.

 

But lets say my 2 children, who are both over 5, ended up not being mine(which I know they are)....I don't think I could just walk away from them. I'd have grown attached and would still love them like my own.

 

how noble....and I am sure you believe that but I doubt that you are capable of it JUST basing from the things you say here but, I do not know you, so it IS possible, it's a feel good thought-gives hope for humanity, but it's just words....

 

Simply because you are one of those people who seems to be driven by grudge...again, I could be wrong....

[samsungxoxo]

She hasn't come back yet (stated how she won't) and wow it's still getting replies. I think she got married too young and in an unstable state of mind, since she's only 21 (lol 1 year younger than me)...

[bentnotbroken]

how noble....and I am sure you believe that but I doubt that you are capable of it JUST basing from the things you say here but, I do not know you, so it IS possible, it's a feel good thought-gives hope for humanity, but it's just words....

 

Simply because you are one of those people who seems to be driven by grudge...again, I could be wrong....

 

 

Now if cheaters can be good parents, what makes it hard to believe that Dex could be a good parent to children he has grown to love and who love him? But you did say "seems" to hold a grudge.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

dexter. im almost in shock here over you saying you would still keep the children close in your heart even if they werent yours. im proud of you. (maybe a little tear here too!)

[seibert253]

I know a couple of men who've raised OCs that they didn't realize were OCs when they were born.

 

I don't find it difficult 2 believe that Dex could love them as his own, at all.

 

Why do you?

 

Maybe because so many people don't understand "paternal instincts", or how a man can come 2 love those he's been responsible for all their lives.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Buddy of mine was in the same boat. Didn't find out "his" daughter was not his until she got some blood work done when she was 6 or 7. Dr, pulled he and his wife into the office with the results and asked my bud who the biological father was because the bloodwork showed he was not, and the bio father had a rather rare genetic disorder. He looked as his w and all she could say was "I'm sorry". He bailed but was better off because she was a wh#re anyway.

[Dexter Morgan]

how noble....and I am sure you believe that but I doubt that you are capable of it JUST basing from the things you say here

 

being attached to children has nothing to do with my views on cheaters. how noble? I'm not saying it for your approval. Some people happen to care about the kids involved. If I were to have turned out not to be their father, I have been the only father they knew for more than 5 years. I love them. I couldn't just walk away from them.

 

 

but, I do not know you, so it IS possible, it's a feel good thought-gives hope for humanity, but it's just words....

 

nope, its reality. no matter what my opinion is on cheating, I love my kids.

 

 

Simply because you are one of those people who seems to be driven by grudge...again, I could be wrong....

 

yes, you are wrong.....again.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know a couple of men who've raised OCs that they didn't realize were OCs when they were born.

 

I don't find it difficult 2 believe that Dex could love them as his own, at all.

 

and like I said, if I had never grown attached to them or made to believe I was the father for all those years, it would be a different story. i wouldn't be able to stay and raise a child that isn't mine if I know WAY ahead of time.

 

but after so many years of loving them thinking they are my children, I couldn't just stop. they'd still be mine as far as I was concerned, and I would be the only father they ever knew.

[Dexter Morgan]

Buddy of mine was in the same boat. Didn't find out "his" daughter was not his until she got some blood work done when she was 6 or 7. Dr, pulled he and his wife into the office with the results and asked my bud who the biological father was because the bloodwork showed he was not, and the bio father had a rather rare genetic disorder. He looked as his w and all she could say was "I'm sorry". He bailed but was better off because she was a wh#re anyway.

 

of course he bailed. can't blame him for not wanting to stay with someone that leads him to believe his daughter is his when she is not.

 

does he still consider her his daughter and is he still involved with her? I'm not going to blame him if he is not, but I sure couldn't turn my back on a child thats known no other father other than me for all those years.

[tami-chan]

Now if cheaters can be good parents, what makes it hard to believe that Dex could be a good parent to children he has grown to love and who love him? But you did say "seems" to hold a grudge.

 

 

I don't find it difficult 2 believe that Dex could love them as his own, at all.

 

Why do you?

 

I have answered this , but some thin-skinned internet bully reported me to the mods -even though I did not use bad language....sheesh...apparently he can dish but can't take...

 

This forum is opinion driven, right? So this is MY opinion. I have read many of Dexter's rants that lead me to believe he is incapable of separating people from the wrongs done. That is why he never advocates fixing a marriage after an infidelity. He advocates severing ties with anything or anyone that had anything to do with the deception. Children borne out of an affair is proof positive of that deception. Like I said, I know he believes he can still love them after the fact...I, respectfully, do not believe it. But since this is all hypothetical, as Dexter knows all his children are biologically his, this even does not matter, right Dex?

[samsungxoxo]

Yes he seems to placed those that cheated even if it was for example a one time kissed situations on the ''never to be accepted as human'' again bag or that there are no possibilities for them ever finding a partner.

 

So ok, not putting your ex wife as an example... say you do meet a woman, fall in love and get married... years later she admitted that she cheated on an ex when she was in high school but never did it again, never cheated on you and learned from it... So guess that would be quick call for divorce too right? After all those years of harvest, never cheated on you but only has that one time history when she was very young...

 

And we all know about your ex wife that cheated on you, if you want to repeat it, go on ranting forum. You can vent on it, but venting on those asking for what to do, they got nothing to do with your life nor what your ex wife did...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

little bit of disclaimer here. dex - although youre hard on me i appreciate the honesty. truth is its so harsh and off center that i dont pay a whole lot of attention to it but at times you have been known to give good advice.

 

my whole point here is that the comments that I made about loving your children were purely in a joking matter. i have no right to comment on that or wouldnt ever consider doing so. i was just *touched* that you have a soft side somewhere in there.