I had an Affair, and am now pregnant.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im so sorry that youre in this position. dont give your baby up. you have a husband who loves you and will love this baby regardless. its something that many children are not lucky enough to be blessed with. please be easy on yourself...you have a little person thats counting on you to keep them safe.

[DesperatetoLove]

Thank you all for your advice and support.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

2 wrongs don't make a right what he did was just as wrong as what you did! if hes not willing to accept that then there is no hope I don't know what else to say really this is a very messed up situation.

 

I often wonder how military marriages ever work out with all the time apart seams a good recipe for disaster especially in todays me me me Ill do what makes ME feel good at this moment society.

[DesperatetoLove]

What about your affair partner? Doesn't he have any interest in raising the child other than giving it up for adoption?

 

How come you didn't use a condom? Were you expecting to be married to the affair partner? What about STDs? Did you get tested?

 

He has no interest in raising the child if it were his. And I have no desire to keep him in my life. I was not expecting to be married to my affair, I get tested twice a year for STD's, and I do not have any. My affair partner was coming out of a marriage where his ex wife was has been his only partner. I did use a condom.. just not soon enough. And I had previously thought that I had problems getting pregnant/keeping pregnancies, this is my 4th pregnancy, and I have had 3 miscarriages. I was not concerned so much about getting pregnant, I really thought it wouldn't happen. My desire for a child is high, but not at the price of the love of my life. I will do the best thing for my baby, if its with me, or without me. I swear this is not a decision me and my husband will be making lightly.

[DesperatetoLove]

2 wrongs don't make a right what he did was just as wrong as what you did! if hes not willing to accept that then there is no hope I don't know what else to say really this is a very messed up situation.

 

I often wonder how military marriages ever work out with all the time apart seams a good recipe for disaster especially in todays me me me Ill do what makes ME feel good at this moment society.

 

We are going to figure something out, lots of love and hard work. And I'm getting out of the military soon, and we are going to try and move somewhere where he won't deploy for at least two years.

[Untouchable_Fire]

We are going to figure something out, lots of love and hard work. And I'm getting out of the military soon, and we are going to try and move somewhere where he won't deploy for at least two years.

 

That's a temporary fix.

 

What binds your marriage together has to come from inside you two... not external. Having him at arms length will only patch the problem.

 

Also, knee jerk reactions are often no the path people choose in the longrun. Beware of that.

[65tr6]

If I were to keep this child after discovering that it is not his, and my husband were to leave me, or become cold towards me, I can see myself feeling resentment towards this child.

 

You said it yourself.

 

OP.....You are in a tough stop (Sorry don't take that as discouraging but understand that it is a complex issue)

 

I know my wife came very close to having OM's baby but as luck turned out we dodged the bullet. Don't get me wrong, we both love our six year old but having OC in the home ? You are absolutely right you can never predict the future.

 

You have LOT of work ahead of you. But first, have you offered your husband the abortion option ? (i know i will get beat up for this). I am saying that because I asked the same (hypothetical in our case) question to my wife...."what if you had become pregnant from the affair ?". She said she would have considered abortion. To be fair, prior to her affair, she was not ready to have a baby. To have an affair is onething but to bring another child into home ?

 

Understand that this is a JOINT decision. And I don't think you both are in a position that make that call. Sorry, this is my honest...probably brutal honest opinion. At this point, understandably, you both don't know what you want. And it will take a long time to reach that point. Probably years. You both need to focus on your individual lives first. Goes back to what I said about "you have lot of work ahead of you".

 

You will get through it provided you take small bites.

 

PS: I know I am making assumption that the child is OC

[Dexter Morgan]

I was so confused with the situation, wondering how I could do this to my one true love, how could I even call him my one true love after all of this had happened?

 

yes, lets get that out of the way now.....if you cheat on him, he is not your one true love and you don't love him. If you did, you wouldn't cheat on him.

 

 

 

We both want this to work more than anything, and we both love each other unconditional.

 

unconditional? really? so what if he decided he had to level the playing field and went out and had an affair....you think the love would still be unconditional?

 

 

I found out I was pregnant only a few weeks after we agreed to reconcile and the dates are so close, that we are not sure if it is his or if it is the OM. We both wanted to start a family right away but he doesn't know if he will be able to love this child like his own if we find out it is not his.

 

and this is where I can see the "unconditional" being dropped from your statement above with regards to you.

 

if the child is the other guy's, your husband still going to stay with you? if he was smart.....he'd leave.

 

 

There is another issue with all of this. He has been having an emotional affair with one women since he found out about mine, and continued to do so, and lied about it, until a week ago. He doesn't feel sorry like he should, and has told me this many times, he also slept with a women the night before he left for training for his deployment, while we were trying to work things out. And he doesn't feel regretful for this either. It hurts that he is being hypocritical of the situation and not understanding my pain on this side.

 

I wondered about this. He is wrong and he should have held himself to a higher standard above yours. But now that the shoe is on the other foot and he is cheating.....maybe now you see the kind of pain you caused him.

 

Again, he cannot take any high ground here now. He has now become no better than you.

 

 

I have repeatedly expressed my regret, and have been doing everything in my power since to show him how much I love him and how sorry I am. I am willing to do whatever he asks of me, and yet he asks for nothing, but continues to throw the infidelity in my face.

 

he doesn't get to throw it in your face anymore. he is now a cheater too.

 

maybe its time to consider divorce....especially if the child is not his.

 

 

I am at a loss with what to do, we both know we want this to work, but I feel like he is not trying much on his end. How can I help him to move the hurt? How can I talk to him about the his affairs to make him realize I am hurt as well?

 

I don't know that you really can. It might take a mediator or counseler to get involved.

 

I can tell you after my xWife cheated, I didn't care about what she thought or what her feelings were after I found out. Before that her feelings meant something to me...after....nothing. And if he is now cheating, I bet he is now thinking that divorce might be better.

 

Again, you BOTH are now cheaters. His cheating seems to be a reaction of yours and he may be thinking that, because he is getting out there, that life would be better without you. But he should have done that before cheating himself.

 

So again, maybe divorce would be the best option? maybe not. Its up to you two. But it seems like you scarred him way too bad for you to expect him to care about your feelings. Maybe get into MC.

[Dexter Morgan]

I wish I had fully understood what it meant before, but I had never been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated before in my life, and when I did cheat I felt like the marriage was going to end on its on anyways. Which was a mistake, are people allowed to make mistakes in their lives?

 

cheating isn't a mistake. you did it because you wanted it. you wanted to have sex with another man.

 

a mistake is doing something and not knowing if it is the right decision or not. you are married, if you didn't know screwing another man was the wrong decision, then maybe you can claim temporary insanity and it was a mistake. but you wanted to have sex with another man, therefore it wasn't a mistake.

 

thats why some people find what some of you consider a "mistake" unforgivable.....because you did it willfully and not in a mindset that you didn't know if it was right or wrong. accidentally taking the wrong exit off the highway is a mistake...cheating is not.

 

 

As long as they learn from those mistakes, and grow from them?

 

I think people can learn from their stupid choices in life and grow from them, yes. But you don't get to pick who you get to grow from them with alot of times. you might have to lose him and learn your lesson and apply it to someone else in the future.

[Church Bells]

You said it yourself.

 

OP.....You are in a tough stop (Sorry don't take that as discouraging but understand that it is a complex issue)

 

I know my wife came very close to having OM's baby but as luck turned out we dodged the bullet. Don't get me wrong, we both love our six year old but having OC in the home ? You are absolutely right you can never predict the future.

 

You have LOT of work ahead of you. But first, have you offered your husband the abortion option ? (i know i will get beat up for this). I am saying that because I asked the same (hypothetical in our case) question to my wife...."what if you had become pregnant from the affair ?". She said she would have considered abortion. To be fair, prior to her affair, she was not ready to have a baby. To have an affair is onething but to bring another child into home ?

 

Understand that this is a JOINT decision. And I don't think you both are in a position that make that call. Sorry, this is my honest...probably brutal honest opinion. At this point, understandably, you both don't know what you want. And it will take a long time to reach that point. Probably years. You both need to focus on your individual lives first. Goes back to what I said about "you have lot of work ahead of you".

 

You will get through it provided you take small bites.

 

PS: I know I am making assumption that the child is OC

 

DL,

 

There is a TON of WISDOM in the above post, that was obviously acquired through EXPERIENCE. You should re-read this over and over and let it sink in.

 

I, too, will be brutally honest ... if you want a fresh start with your H ... I think abortion should be considered as the best option. Otherwise ... AT BEST ... your R will be delayed by however many months remaining in your pregnancy until the cloud of paternity can be cleared, and in cases of a WW's infidelity, that will likely prove to be TOO long of a period of time for your H to overcome.

 

We all have made serious life mistakes, but its how we deal with the consequences of those mistakes that define our characters. Please consider taking ACTIONS that will show your H that he truly is the priority in your life that you claim with your WORDS.

[seibert253]

One thing to think of. I don't know you or your husband, but you have to ask yourself this:

If this child is the OM's, how is your husband going to react when everytime he see's that child, he's going to think of what you did?

 

Some men can get over this, many cannot. I know a guy who's WW got pregnent by the OM. He made it an effort to get over this and provide a loving home for the OC. He went through tons of counseling and therapy. But in the end, the OC brought down his marriage. He just couldn't deal with it. He told me; I love that kid, but everytime I look at her, I think of my wife and OM and what they did, and I hate my wife. He couldn't overcome it.

 

When my FWW and I were in counseling, my counselor asked what would have been a dealbreaker in R, and it was simple, if she got pregent by the OM. That would have been it. My M would not have been unrecoverable.

 

So what I'm saying is tread lightly. Your husband may want to work through this right now, but in the future you may find out he can't. He may want to, but just can't. I know it's not right, but somethings are just not forgivable.

 

Best of luck to you.

[In_Repair]

The child comes first. If the husband walks, then so be it. Don't do something that you will regret for the rest of your life... especially over a relationship that probably won't last.

[Church Bells]

The child comes first. If the husband walks, then so be it. Don't do something that you will regret for the rest of your life... especially over a relationship that probably won't last.

 

I philosophically disagree with the above. We see way too many parents put their child/children above their spouse, with predicatable results. IMHO, the spouses needs come FIRST, with the children taking a secondary place on the priority list.

[pkn06002]

Wow a new low, kill an unborn child to prove your love for your spouse.

 

How disgusting

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow a new low, kill an unborn child to prove your love for your spouse.

 

How disgusting

 

I think she said "adoption"....not "abortion" Abortion was given as an option by someone other than OP.

[DesperatetoLove]

I feel as if this post is on the wrong track. MY question for advice was not do you think me and my husband should divorce. Because that is just not an option, at this point. And I too believed before I cheated, that real love meant no cheating. At the time I cheated, I was contemplating divorce for many reasons. I believe I temporarily lost all good judgement, and pretty much went insane for about 2-3 months. I am seeing a counselor. Me and and my Husband will be attending marriage counseling. Abortion is not an option, the end, I have my reasons, and it just isn't. Which is why I am considering adoption, maybe I will feel guilty, but at least I know my child will be in a loving home. Me and my husband will be taking this decision seriously. I also believe my spouse comes first, it's just how I feel. I know that families have recovered from this, and I do not plan to just give up. So if you feel the need to tell me to just "give up," I'm not doing it. I know how I feel, and I love my husband, I'm afraid of bringing up age in this equation, but I'm also young, and still growing bit by bit. I was asking for advice on how to make things work, not if I should stay or go. And once we do enter into marriage counseling we will be able to work through the fact that he also cheated, that I've cheated, and maybe we can start things a new. It's never too late for anything, a lot of you have very negative outlooks on things, and everyone is different. I love my husband, the end.

[samsungxoxo]

Ok that's a very tough position. If it turns out to be the OM's child and your husband still stays with you and raise the kid, then wouldn't just by looking at the kid, bring back what took place??

 

What about the OM, wouldn't he want something to do with his kid if it's his?? This means there would still be communication between you, your husband and the OM.

 

And well since your husband cheated back, means he's also going to have to earn back your trust too. Makes it even now.

 

Not sure if the marriage will last but for now continue going to marriage counseling. If it's meant to last then it will grow stronger. And yes even when using protection it's not 100% save. Condoms can always break and pills may not always work. It's a risk you take.

[FreezorBurn]

And I am 110% willing to do that.

 

Giving up the poor Child. This is a horror story.

 

That little innocent life asked for none of this. All that child is going to want is to be loved by a family.

 

The hell with loving your husband, Religion or what your willing to do for him. You should be worried about that child and provide it the best life possible where with your husband or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

Giving up the poor Child. This is a horror story.

 

That little innocent life asked for none of this.

 

 

thats the way the world goes....selfish people want to get their rocks off...and its a child that has to pay the price when they decide they are unwanted.

 

utterly disgusting.

 

 

All that child is going to want is to be loved by a family.

 

hopefully the child will find a family that wants him/her.

 

 

The hell with loving your husband, Religion or what your willing to do for him. You should be worried about that child and provide it the best life possible where with your husband or not.

 

Well, the difference would be if the husband wanted to stay and loves the kid. I know alot of people would say they couldn't bring themselves to love a child as their own. As a father, I would initially look at the child and be reminded that it is the product of a cheating wife and OM's f##k fest.....but as time would go by, I feel I'd become attached and love the kid as my own. But thats just me. I love kids.

[jmargel]

I have repeatedly expressed my regret, and have been doing everything in my power since to show him how much I love him and how sorry I am. I am willing to do whatever he asks of me, and yet he asks for nothing, but continues to throw the infidelity in my face. I am at a loss with what to do, we both know we want this to work, but I feel like he is not trying much on his end. How can I help him to move the hurt? How can I talk to him about the his affairs to make him realize I am hurt as well? How should we handle the pregnancy? I'm looking for any advice from anyone who has been in any kind of similar situation.

 

Both of you at this point need to attend counseling even if it's not together due to the miltary. You can only control your side of things, you can't try to counsel him since you are a part of the situation. Being a wife and a counselor doesn't work.

 

What you can do for him is to keep suggesting counseling and be there to listen to him. You also have to create boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. If he continues to have any sort of affairs then IMO for your own well-being it's time to tell him it's over. You can't make a relationship work when when he continues to see another woman.

 

We need to focus on you right now, since like I said before you can control your future and your child's future. I highly encourage you to seek professional counseling especially since you said you have the probabiliy of having resentment for your child if it's not your husbands. Let me make something VERY clear. By you getting pregnant, that is NOT the reason why all of this is happening. It was YOU who CHOSE to sleep with another man. Doesn't matter the circumstances surrounding WHY.

 

This child did NOT ask to be brought into this world and to bring something of such a blessing into existance and have resentment for it, as you the bearer of this child is very alarming. By you mentioning the resentment that tells me you are not ready to take full responsibility of your commitments even though you say you are.

 

You can get a DNA test before the baby is born. Letting another couple adopt this child might be for the best if you don't believe you can handle the responsibilities and give it the love he or she needs. Raising a child is a 24 hour job and to have resentment brings me great worry that harm can come to this baby. Not only by you but by your husband. Not saying physically but emotionally.

 

You also have to ask yourself, what are you getting out of this marriage? When is the drama going to end? What are your expectations on this relationship and when are you two going to start on working on better communication?

 

Honestly it sounds like a brother and sister fighting, one did something to the other so the other retaliates. This is not how a marriage works. You two need to get back to the foundations of what makes you two want to be together and build it from there. In my opinion, only counseling will be able to help you.

[road]

“I feel as if this post is on the wrong track.”

 

Because you are not being told what you want to hear.

 

“MY question for advice was not do you think me and my husband should divorce.”

 

This is serious for an OC is in the mix. There are many ways this can play out with a divorce and the OM and you raising the OC would be best. You can not just decide what is best for you with a potential OC. That would be selfish. Just as having an affair.

 

“Because that is just not an option, at this point.”

 

Everything is an option.

 

“At the time I cheated, I was contemplating divorce for many reasons.”

 

Justifying an affair, there is no excuse to justify an affair.

 

“Me and and my Husband will be attending marriage counseling. Abortion is not an option, the end, I have my reasons, and it just isn't. Which is why I am considering adoption,”

 

You are putting the carriage in front of the horse. You need to wait for birth to have a DNA test done for paternity.

 

“maybe I will feel guilty”

 

This also why you must wait to the child is born before you decide to give up the OC.

 

 

“I was asking for advice on how to make things work, not if I should stay or go.”

 

Seeking advice, one should be prepared to hear options that they may not like.

 

What ever you do decide upon you must agree that you can not make any decision until the OC is born and paternity is determined.

Edited October 20, 2009 by road

[MadMission]

I'm getting out of the military soon, and we are going to try and move somewhere where he won't deploy for at least two years.

 

This is good news. I don't think it possible to repair the M being physically separated the way you are now. However, if you two will physically be together in the near future, there is hope.

 

Actually, this current temporary time apart may be a good 'cooling off' period. It gives your H a little breathing room to think.

 

Obviously, you both MUST continue counseling individually and as a couple.

 

You sound very determined to 'fix' this situation. Stay strong and consistant in showing your H remorse and care. Be there for him to talk when needed. Be patient with his emotions, as they will be all over the place for awhile. Answer any questions he may have. And, of course, never be defensive or try to blame him for this current situation. Yes, there may have been issues in the M prior to your A, but the A and this pregnancy are ALL YOURS. Do not blame him for YOUR choices.

That's really all you can do for now.

 

Things will be more managable when you are together...hopefully soon.

 

Take care of yourself...for you and the baby.

[Church Bells]

This story is just plain sad.

 

Neither one of you was "marriage material" when you got married.

 

Ma2ring under normal circumstances is hard enough. But your si2ation complicates that considerably.

 

best of luck,

-ol' 2long

 

AHHHH ... the WISDOM of EXPERIENCE.

 

It's a shame that we humans can't LEARN from the mistakes of others, without having to experience them ourselves to gain the necessary wisdom to make better original choices.

[DesperatetoLove]

Thank you all for your advice, me and my husband are going to do everything to work on our marriage. This child will be provided a loving family, whether it be with me or someone else. That is the end of the story, I was under the assumption that I could bring my story to a place like this without being judged, I was most definetly wrong. Anyway, thank you all and goodbye.

[Snowflower]

Thank you all for your advice, me and my husband are going to do everything to work on our marriage. This child will be provided a loving family, whether it be with me or someone else. That is the end of the story, I was under the assumption that I could bring my story to a place like this without being judged, I was most definetly wrong. Anyway, thank you all and goodbye.

 

desperate, I am very sorry for the situation that you are going through. It has to be very difficult.

 

You did wrong by having an affair on your H but I'm not going to condemn you for that here--the last thing you need right now is more condemnation. You certainly have enough to deal with right now.

 

There are helpful people here; unfortunately you just didn't get replies from them on your thread this time. I feel badly that you didn't receive the feedback you so desperately needed.

 

Take care of yourself, desperate, and I hope you find some peace and resolution from your situation and within your marriage.