Wife left me, I still want her back...

[Art_Critic]

The intentions of the other guy might be where some of the problems lie.. or not if his intentions are good..

 

Are you aware of how he feels about being placed between you both ?

[Tom81]

I'm not saying to but have you talked with the guy ?

 

No I have not talked to him. All three of us used to hang out...didn't see he actually liked my wife more than I know he does now. My wife has saved IM's between the two of them before she broke it to me she wanted a separation. In those IMs, you can tell there are feelings both ways between him and my wife.

 

I have his email and phone number...I don't think it'd be a good idea to contact him. That probably wouldn't be good. I know my wife is at fault, but I'm pretty pissed off at him because he knew she was married and to be that way is just despicable. Makes me sick. But what is worse, is my wife also was at fault because she was going to him.

 

Right now I'm just going in circles in my...very lost right now.

[Aksion]

I know Tojaz, it's only been 3 weeks and I've already realized that. Doesn't mean I, and I'm sure the rest of you in a similar situationdont still want those answers. I've read many threads, and still feel the same way. Not everyone is capable of going beyond said situation, as I've seen in myself. I've lost myself basically as a "whole person".

 

While 98% of the advice given here is wonderful, it isn't going to work for everyone. I'm not trying to be negative in anyway, as I wish the best for every lost soul that ends up here with us. Yet I've ****in lost it. I just want them to know that it's ok, to not be ok. I'm still here though. Still talking to y'all, still wanting life. Every perspective should be seen, shouldn't it?

[Tom81]

The intentions of the other guy might be where some of the problems lie.. or not if his intentions are good..

 

Are you aware of how he feels about being placed between you both ?

 

After she told me she wanted to separate...I haven't talked to the other guy. He used to be my facebook friend, he dropped me as a friend awhile ago. I always thought he was fake and full of himself...but after reading some of those IMs it just made me sick. My wife is the kind of person who likes to take care of people...it's also a big aspect of her profession. If someone is sick or hurt at a party, my wife is the person always to help. DD at a party, my wife is it. So this other guy in the IMs is playing like he's got no one and making her feel sorry for him and really baiting her. It's sick and of course my wife is there...consoling him and listening to him. She emailed herself 4 IM conversations with this guy...you don't save IMs for no reason.

 

So I don't know if asking him would do any good...might just cause more trouble then it's worth.

[Art_Critic]

Right now I'm just going in circles in my...very lost right now.

 

Cut yourself some slack.. you're going thru something you don't have any control over and it is making you feel helpless...

 

You are not helpless..

 

At this very moment put yourself first and stop trying to fix everything..

Many of the items you are trying to fix may not be fixable.

 

She moved out..

She accepted your ring back and returned hers to you.. I think I read that somewhere..

She hasn't given up her relationship with the other guy.

She is only telling you it isn't physical but moving out is most likely the first move she is making to correct that.

 

You can't sit there and wait for her to decide what to do unless she includes you in the equation.

 

You are gong to have to decide what you are willing to accept and be okay with in order to move forward and honestly you both need to be in MC.

 

Then you need to figure out where she stands on the marriage and go from there..

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Art_Critic]

So I don't know if asking him would do any good...might just cause more trouble then it's worth.

 

You're right..

and

You do know where he stands while he removed you as a friend on FB though.. that speaks volumes about his intentions..

[Tom81]

Cut yourself some slack.. you're going thru something you don't have any control over and it is making you feel helpless...

 

You are not helpless..

 

At this very moment put yourself first and stop trying to fix everything..

Many of the items you are trying to fix may not be fixable.

 

She moved out..

She accepted your ring back and returned hers to you.. I think I read that somewhere..

She hasn't given up her relationship with the other guy.

She is only telling you it isn't physical but moving out is most likely the first move she is making to correct that.

 

You can't sit there and wait for her to decide what to do unless she includes you in the equation.

 

You are gong to have to decide what you are willing to accept and be okay with in order to move forward and honestly you both need to be in MC.

 

Then you need to figure out where she stands on the marriage and go from there..

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

We tried marriage counseling...but she did it only because I wanted her to do it...it wasn't mutual. I also think a lot of family and friends were saying to do it so she did. We each went once alone and then twice together. After that no more. I know where she stands on the marriage, but for some reason I can't let go of her. She doesn't want me anymore. I'm always the one initiating a meeting to talk every week or so. The only time she messages me is because of finances/bills or to warn me she's coming to the house, to make sure i'm not there. She hasn't budged once since June so I don't know what the F' i'm doing.

 

Like tomorrow we're going to meet up and talk and then we'll go another week of not seeing each other.

 

I'm also just really really lonely. That's something that's been really awful...not having her there with me in bed every night. You'd think after 3 months it'd be ok, but it still isn't. I know to help myself I should probably do no contact...but I just miss her so much.

[Aksion]

We tried marriage counseling...but she did it only because I wanted her to do it...it wasn't mutual. I also think a lot of family and friends were saying to do it so she did. We each went once alone and then twice together. After that no more. I know where she stands on the marriage, but for some reason I can't let go of her. She doesn't want me anymore. I'm always the one initiating a meeting to talk every week or so. The only time she messages me is because of finances/bills or to warn me she's coming to the house, to make sure i'm not there. She hasn't budged once since June so I don't know what the F' i'm doing.

 

Like tomorrow we're going to meet up and talk and then we'll go another week of not seeing each other.

 

I'm also just really really lonely. That's something that's been really awful...not having her there with me in bed every night. You'd think after 3 months it'd be ok, but it still isn't. I know to help myself I should probably do no contact...but I just miss her so much.

 

 

Relate to that completely. Haven't been able to sleep in our bed since the day she left and have been basically living on my couch. Mom and many female friends have offered to help me redo our bedroom -- and while it seems like a great idea, I can't seem to let myself do it and continue down the same path I'm going.

 

Do yourself a favor though -- don't meet up with her to talk at all. It's going to make you end up worse off than you already are. I know for a fact that in my unstable frame of mind if I were to even see my wife's face in a picture I'd f******* lose it. I know you miss her, and I know you're lonely. I'm in the same situation (as I stated above by not being able to move away from my couch) but seeing her is going to do nothing but kill you inside even more ESPECIALLY if she wants nothing to do with working things out.

[Tom81]

It's also very weird, because I dont' know what's going on in her life anymore. I'm pretty cut out of it. I wonder what is she doing, what is she up to and all of that.

 

It makes me sick to my stomach that she could be with that other guy and if hell almost when we divorce...i hate the fact that she'll be with another guy. It all just makes me sick.

 

It's sometimes hard to believe that it was only in June that my wife and I were together, married, holding hands, making love and now I've lost it all with her. It's hard to believe sometimes...hell almost all the time hard to believe.

[Aksion]

I'm still surprised you have your sanity.

 

My wife left me barely three weeks ago.

 

You can't think of things like what she is doing or who she is with. She's gone. She physically left you -- which probably means she emotionally has been gone for quite some time. Hard to hear, hard to deal with -- still f****** tears me apart inside, just I know there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Days are tough, yet I get through them by staying busy. Nights however are another story. Home alone, our place, tend to do things I shouldn't just to get to the next morning -- gotta find yourself.

 

Its real -- as much as you don't want it to be.

[Tom81]

I'm still surprised you have your sanity.

 

My wife left me barely three weeks ago.

 

You can't think of things like what she is doing or who she is with. She's gone. She physically left you -- which probably means she emotionally has been gone for quite some time. Hard to hear, hard to deal with -- still f****** tears me apart inside, just I know there is nothing I can do about it.

 

Days are tough, yet I get through them by staying busy. Nights however are another story. Home alone, our place, tend to do things I shouldn't just to get to the next morning -- gotta find yourself.

 

Its real -- as much as you don't want it to be.

 

Yeah, I still question why I'm even trying anymore. I just keep on thinking that there is hope, when i know that she has left me. I'm just very lost right now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah, I still question why I'm even trying anymore. I just keep on thinking that there is hope, when i know that she has left me. I'm just very lost right now.

 

Your gonna get the hang of it, but without any kids and no serious time behind the marriage. what's the point of being married to her. She's either having an affair with this guy or is about to. she cant do that while married to you.

 

And the more you question it, the more you have to ask yourself the hard question, have you exposed the affair to your family and friends. What you need is support right now and you cannot get it from her.

 

So get to a lawyer and have her served. If she wants to come back, then oh well she'll do so, but dont be stuck pining after a chick who isnt worth it. The woman you married was a lie and you loved the woman she used to be. Dont let her turn it all on you. She left because she made the choice. nothing you said or do, could have changed her mind. She did what she wanted to do. now you do what must be done!

[imagine]

Look, if you want her back, you need to meet her emotional needs. Drop her a line. Send her a flower. You also need to talk to OM and tell him that you are fighting for your wife.

 

Man up. Let her fall for the guy that she originally met.

 

Figure out exactly what she needs. Google: The five languages of love.

[tojaz]

I know Tojaz, it's only been 3 weeks and I've already realized that. Doesn't mean I, and I'm sure the rest of you in a similar situationdont still want those answers. I've read many threads, and still feel the same way. Not everyone is capable of going beyond said situation, as I've seen in myself. I've lost myself basically as a "whole person".

 

While 98% of the advice given here is wonderful, it isn't going to work for everyone. I'm not trying to be negative in anyway, as I wish the best for every lost soul that ends up here with us. Yet I've ****in lost it. I just want them to know that it's ok, to not be ok. I'm still here though. Still talking to y'all, still wanting life. Every perspective should be seen, shouldn't it?

 

Don't get me wrong bud. It's not easy and I'm not always right. I still want the answers, spent a lot of time looking for them, Eventually I had to make the choice not to let it rule my life, but I'm so weak it took me a long time to make that decision and it's still hard to stick to it.

 

You've lost it, Lost yourself? I've been there too, I've been to rock bottom, drank myself stupid on many occasions. Even considered the big out! Spent a long night with my gun on the table, just thinking. Another night, when she was here saying some of the most hurtful crap, I made her take the keys to my gun cabinet with her, I didn't trust myself. I'm not real proud of that and don't tell many people. Don't think I've ever posted it either.

 

Your right, It is OK to not be OK. I sure wasn't Ok and in a lot of ways, still not. I just don't want to see people to stop trying to be OK. I'm not a doctor or a therapist or anything like that, hell i didn't even go to college. Every bit of advice I spout and every opinion I give, was learned and created in my own life, and my own life experiences and right here on LS, trying to learn from others. When I came in, it was advice from guys like TIY, and Gunny that I was getting, and I fought tooth and nail because I lost it. I couldn't stop fighting that advice until I found myself giving it myself.

 

I lost myself in divorce, but in a lot of ways i feel like i found myself here! Even considering a new career as a therapist! (Yeah, I'm nuts) Point is, you can try to find answers that you desperately want but may never get, or you can find yourself, which you desperately need. I am divorced, and not exactly what i'd call happy, my life is crap, but I'm OK by myself and excited about the future, thats a hell of a lot better then where I was 3 weeks in.

TOJAZ

[Aksion]

Poor lost souls is how they leave us eh? How nice of them. lol

[tojaz]

Poor lost souls is how they leave us eh? How nice of them. lol

Truer and sadder words have never been spoken. Can only be described as torture to devote your life to someone only to have it ripped apart at a selfish whim.

TOJAZ

[Penelope-love]

Tom,

 

The only advice I can give you is that you CANNOT fix a marriage by yourself.

 

 

 

 

If she has checked out of the marriage and has a BF.. emotional or not then she has checked out of the marriage and any trying on her part is mearly to keep you around on the backburner to catch her if it fails in her new life with the new guy.

Counselors believe this, people with experience not fixing or saving their marriage on their own believe it and pretty much most others believe it. The few people who know it is not completely true are those who did it. A large part of saving (notice I did not yet say fixing) a marriage is a solo effort. In cases such as yours, when one person wants out, it is a solo effort and the partner often attempts to sabotage that effort—thus it is even more difficult. But it is not impossible. But once the leaving spouse reconsiders and wants restoration, the effort needs to become a partnership and even in a partnership one may do more consciously and directly—ex. some people may want to help their marriage but refuse counseling. Unfortunately there can be premature returns and the effort remains solo for a long time. There are books geared toward doing this alone; not all are about situations dealing with separation, but some are.

• The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on Your Own
  
• When a Mate Wants Out: Secrets for Saving a Marriage
  
• How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together
  
• How to Save Your Marriage Alone
  

Others geared toward the solo partner when only one wants out:

• Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed
  
• When Love Dies How To Save A Hopeless Marriage
  
• Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis
  

… you need to look at the real possibility that you should just file for divorce and let her move on with her new life and guy.

Look at what it is you want in combination with your personal belief systems. I personally do not believe in divorce. Yes, I know it happens, but I do not recognize it or believe in it and yes, I recognize exceptions, but infidelity and even a spouse wanting out do not come close to exceptions for me. File for divorce if and only if it is something you are willing to do, not because you feel it's over anyway. Some people need to file to protect children, finances or assets. You don't have the children worry and if you can protect the finances you may be able to hold off. The person who wants out should be the one to file. Refusing to file is your unspoken message that you do not want a divorce.

 

 

…if the opportunity ever arose would you really want to share the rest of your life with a woman that has treated you like this?

A better question is would you want to share the rest of your life with a person who is treating you like this? Learn what you need to do to come to a place of forgiveness.

I'm sharing my life with a person who treated me like that—a person who had a years-long midlife crisis affair and tried to discard our marriage. But he no longer treats me like that.

 

To make it easier, remove the reminders, take the pictures down, rearrange the house, paint the walls if you have to, it all helps.

Consider what you are making easier by removing those reminders. It is important for some and detrimental for others. I left those items up because they were reminders that I was married and wanted to remain married. I left them up as a message to myself and others—he brought the OW to our house and she refused to come in again because of what she called my shrine.

 

A few years later, near the end when he needed a different message (he needed to fear he would lose me), I changed the pictures—I'd also received a large painting that had hung at my Grandparent's farmhouse and needed to use my shrine space. But even then, though I made the walls more personal by decorating them with framed images containing my poetry, much of the poetry itself advocated love and marriage.

 

NC, while they say it is for you to work on yourself, you may find it extremely hard. I myself have found it to be completely damaging to myself as all I really seek is the "why" and maybe that "closure."

I am not an advocate of strict No-Contact in early stages since this is a fertile time for building a connection which is a foundation for a future return—often the situation worsens and the opportunity for contact and building that connection goes away. What you need to do is learn what it is and how to detach, that is the first step and it is vital.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/detach.html

Often the answers and closure will not come from your spouse. The answers are from places like this, but also places like this stifle your questions when some people believe you don't need to know, are focusing in the wrong place, are getting yourself all worked up. Those people are usually right that you are getting yourself all worked up and it is sending you into panic. But for some people the cure for the panic is the information. All I wanted were answers and I don't know was an appropriate answer, but it was unhelpful when instead of admitting they didn't know, someone told me I shouldn't ask or that they just weren't going to tell me.

 

I'm thinking about the NC, but it wouldn't be easy for me. I'm not that patient or easy of a person to just do something like that.

Do you plan to use your areas of weakness as an excuse to not work toward improving those areas, or as a place where you can grow and improve?

Detachment and NC aren't easy for most people. I did NC later and it was emotionally less difficult for me, but then I had a Clinger who contacted me regularly and thus even when I ignored his calls I had feedback.

It seems that you have discovered a place where you can grow; use that to benefit you and your future relationship. Marriages are not restored by being stagnant.

 

Give this a look, especially the "Standing Actions" MLC comes earlier for women, some call it QLC (Quarter life Crisis). This site is aimed at men in MLC but the advice is just as valid, just told from a womans view.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/

Actually the site is meant for both men and women. Check out some of the information in the MLC section too.

Given your wife's age, she is too young for MLC—yes, woman may start earlier, but 35, not 28. QLC is a possibility. Also consider that infidelity—even without the physical aspect can cause crisis symptoms if the relationship is emotionally bonded and there are infatuation hormones involved.

 

Tom.. is she willing to give up her emotional affair and work on the marriage ?

 

You can read those books and sites all you want but in the end it comes down to those 2 things in order for you to even begin fighting for your marriage.

Fighting yields fighting and is thus not a method for reaching reconciliation. A spouse in crisis will not be willing to give up her affair. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html offers excellent plans for such a scenario.

 

Look, if you want her back, you need to meet her emotional needs. Drop her a line. Send her a flower. You also need to talk to OM and tell him that you are fighting for your wife.

These are precisely the things that you should avoid doing!

Read this entire thread about Pursuit & Distance from DB--I recommend it to everyone:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714201&page=0&fpart=9

 

Hey, there are no guarantees, but restoration is not impossible; but you need to look in the mirror and do your own Self work during this time and that is something you control.

[Art_Critic]

people with experience not fixing or saving their marriage on their own believe it and pretty much most others believe it.

 

 

My first marriage I spent 2 years trying to fix it in marriage counseling.. It started out together and then moved to mostly by myself..

So as someone who has experience trying to fix a marriage I can tell you that you CANNOT fix a marriage by yourself.

 

Yeah.. there are no guarantees.. in marriage or life.. but one must look at where the line is that they stop trying to manipulate the other person into a marriage that they clearly do not want to be in.

That line is different for each person and they must figure that all out on their own..

Edited October 18, 2009 by Art_Critic

[Penelope-love]

My first marriage I spent 2 years trying to fix it in marriage counseling.. It started out together and then moved to mostly by myself..

So as someone who has experience trying to fix a marriage I can tell you that you CANNOT fix a marriage by yourself.

 

Yeah.. there are no guarantees.. in marriage or life.. but one must look at where the line is that they stop trying to manipulate the other person into a marriage that they clearly do not want to be in.

That line is different for each person and they must figure that all out on their own..

Art Critic,

 

When I wrote that I was concerned that I would offend you, but you seem to have taken it well because I agree with most of your response.

 

The lack of a guarantee of success does not mean there is a guarantee of failure. As you said, there NO guarantees.

 

But as someone with experience is reconciliation and who did the work without my partner's efforts or with his resistance, I can tell you that it is possible.

My experience does not mean it will happen for everyone just as your experience will not transfer to all others. You can save your marriage alone. But, yes, that is up to a point. I also will not say that you will save your marriage alone or that it is either probable or improbable. If a person thinks the odds are against them, they may quit without putting in an effort.

 

I said it was not completely true. I also try to shy away from the word fix and would have liked to have used something other than save above--sorry it was the best word I could think of. Standing is not reconciling, reconciliation does need mutual effort. Standing for a marriage is the solo actions a person does to get to the partnered actions of reconciliation.

 

Standing is not about manipulation. It's about staying true to your values including your love and about treating all people with respect regardless of how they are treating you.

 

And yes, every person's threshold for tolerance varies. I do not expect others to believe as I do or be as strict as I was regarding my Stand. What pains me is can't...you can't, I can't... I believe in will or won't.

[Art_Critic]

Penelope..

 

You didn't offend me.

 

I hope Tom can save his marriage..

 

I would think that why the split happened in a situation where a marriage was saved all by oneself or alone is paramount..

 

ie:.. if an Alcoholic gets left by his wife that loves him then his first option to save the marriage is sober up.. he has to do that all by himself and showing her this may bring her back... but even in that scenario they will have to work as a team to repair the marriage and trust.

 

I also think the mindset of the other spouse or the spouse that left is also paramount to the success of a reconciliation, If a spouse has checked out of the marriage then they have checked out and reading strategy books at this point is kinda pointless unless to make the one who was left feel better.

 

In Tom's case she left him in June.. has another guy and seems to only not want the divorce so she has a fall back plan. She isn't working on the marriage or even allowing the possibility of that in the future as an option.

 

In my life I would never be someones fall back plan.. I respect myself too much for that..

I live in a world where you are either married to me and are part of our union or you are not.. no in between..

 

Tom.. Good luck.. I hope I haven't stomped on your dreams at all.. it wasn't my intention..

[Steadfast]

I was debating on whether or not to post to this or not, considering the immense-amount of information you've been given Tom. But I will, with a simplified look at what you're facing and what you should do.

 

I strongly disagree with the 'send her a flower, tell her how you feel' approach. She already knows how you feel. It might be different if you were abusive in some way, or clearly a bad, unloving man who is trying to change his ways. The truth is you are at this point the last person she wants to see, because she's feeling guilt. Piled on top is she knows what you're going to say when you do meet and it's pushing her farther away.

 

Others have said it, I'll say it again; NC is the way to go. Give her what she *thinks* she wants. Don't force yourself on her. When you do see each other, smile and be kind. Fake it if you have too, but in time it'll come more naturally. When you're apart and at night, remind yourself that you didn't choose it and people often have to deal with a 'new life'. This is yours. Pray for yourself and for her; force yourself to think kind, loving thoughts for her. In essence, raise yourself 'above' what's happening and know that whatever it is (affair, new BF, whatever) it is only temporary.

 

What you will become (divorced or not) if you deal with this correctly is a better, stronger person. One that women will find attractive. You're going to make it Tom, because you have to. Know that everyday is one day closer to you being happy and whole once again. Pace yourself! Forgive yourself! Most of all, love yourself because you deserve better.

[Tom81]

Sorry it took so long to respond as I have been working/at school all day. I did meet my wife because we had arranged to meet earlier in the week. Didn't go well...more of the same. Crying, disagreement, me trying to ask her for one more chance, her telling me why she is upset and wants to end things.

 

She also doesn't think that this EA of hers is actually one or that he's a problem. He's only a friend, someone she goes to school with, and hangs out a lot. Now she doesn't know that I've read past IMs and other emails and know that this is crap and there is definitely more emotion there than she is letting me onto.

 

She's living with a friend for free and going back to school, and told me she's going to have to start paying less of the bills (she was the provider before she quit her job and went back to school after she told me about divorcing). Now I have money saved up to pay for the house payments and some other by myself, but I don't want to get screwed in the end when she divorces me. She says that she has been providing for me for several years while I'm still in school, although I still bring in 40 percent of the income. So i guess she feels like i owe her...which I don't agree with. When i'm done with grad school this year, eventually i'd end up being the bread winner for probably the rest of our lives. So a few years for her is nothing. So i'm pissed about that and I am thinking of seeing a lawyer. Although I don't want to start the lawyer train as i still have hope in my heart of hearts.

 

@art, yes my wife really doesn't want to work on the marriage and seems done. But here I am fighting and fighting and hurting and hurting.

 

I'd like to try the NC method...I just don't think it'd work since she is living a 180 life right now and I don't think I'd be good at not contacting her.

 

So least to say today has not been a good day Thanks everyone for the responses.

[Tom81]

Also, any meetings that we've had in the last month have been initiated by me. She only text me when she needs something from me like finance relating or making sure i'm not at the house.

 

So I'm not very optimistic for NC working...I mean she never contacts me for anything other that 'business type stuff'.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So it's time you went NC with her and cut off all funds financially.

 

And have her served. It doesnt make sense that your pining after a chick that doesnt want you!!!

 

You cannot save the marriage alone and one day your gonna get fed up and just force a decision out of her. Call it midlife crisis, it isnt your fault she's acting like this.

 

Take my advice, drop her now while your still young you can always get back together if things turn out right. but you need to detach to avoid more pain you bring on yourself.

[Tom81]

So it's time you went NC with her and cut off all funds financially.

 

And have her served. It doesnt make sense that your pining after a chick that doesnt want you!!!

 

You cannot save the marriage alone and one day your gonna get fed up and just force a decision out of her. Call it midlife crisis, it isnt your fault she's acting like this.

 

Take my advice, drop her now while your still young you can always get back together if things turn out right. but you need to detach to avoid more pain you bring on yourself.

 

I'd do that and pay for things, but then i'm if she divorces me then we'll split the house and i'll be left paying all the bills. That just doesn't seem right. I also don't want to be the one to serve her divorce papers...she's the one who left me and wants a divorce. I'm not doing it for her. I guess I could go NC, pay for things as I can and just live my life. It's just no contact is going to be so tough for me.

 

I'll think about it because it's what I'm thinking that I have to do for myself and maybe it'll help with our relationship.