Wife left me, I still want her back...

[Penelope-love]

In this case WTF would NC do for him ?

 

I'm an advocate of NC but for me NC is for moving on and removing the toxicity out of my life..

Filing for Divorce would just be nipping it in the bud and allow healing faster..

 

and by the way.. if you are selling the idea that he can get his wife back by using NC then I think you are mistaken..

I will not say that a person will get their spouse back by doing a certain action. They can, but there are no guarantees and if that were the only motivation I feel it would backfire since Tom would then be focusing on his wife and their relationship rather than on his Self. I am not considering No Contact a tactic to get his wife to return. He is in such a sate of panic that No Contact may help him detach. I am not certain No Contact is the appropriate course. That is not to say I am discouraging it either. But in his case I think the benefit is that it can help him to stop spinning.

 

For you it sounds like NC was more of a permanent condition—or semi if you have kids. It was part of severing your marital bond. For my situation it was a consequence of choosing the OW. It has multiple motivations which may or may not overlap.

[J-Dad]

Keep up the good work Tom81. NC is an extremely hard thing to do. I had broken all of the rules from the start; I called her and texted her a lot just to let her know how stupid and selfish she was being, not a good move! I even went as far as to call her sister to see if she sould push my wife towards counciling. Let me just say that blood is thicker than water. When I called her, my wife was sitting right next to her on the couch watching a movie. It was like punching myself in the face! Since then, I have calmed down and have not contacted her other than in regards to the children. When she wants to talk I listen and only make small talk with her, no relationship talk unless if she brings it up.

 

Anyways, sorry to threadjack, but keep it up and keep posting. I am going to follow your situation as we are going trought similar ordeals.

[Tom81]

She ended up calling me today and we just talked about our weekends, how school was going, etc. No relationship talk or anything like that.

 

I did feel something else different while talking to her today. I felt a little disgusted. She just didn't sound like my wife today. She sounded like it, but she wasn't the same person...felt more like a stranger with a voice I know very very well. I don't really know what's up in her world and she was telling me about how she isn't doing well on money because she quit her job and is going to school. I actually was a little disgusted on the phone...a new emotion for me when talking with her. She was talking about having to buy generic drugs and keep the heat off even though it's been sort of cold at night...so they can save money. I didn't feel sorry or sympathize or even want to help...she dug this hole herself. She wouldn't be broke if we were working together.

 

So after 4 days I feel good. I know I'm going to run into a wall during this no contact period...but I've got friends and you guys to talk to, to help me get through this. Thanks!

[tojaz]

She ended up calling me today and we just talked about our weekends, how school was going, etc. No relationship talk or anything like that.

 

I did feel something else different while talking to her today. I felt a little disgusted. She just didn't sound like my wife today. She sounded like it, but she wasn't the same person...felt more like a stranger with a voice I know very very well. I don't really know what's up in her world and she was telling me about how she isn't doing well on money because she quit her job and is going to school. I actually was a little disgusted on the phone...a new emotion for me when talking with her. She was talking about having to buy generic drugs and keep the heat off even though it's been sort of cold at night...so they can save money. I didn't feel sorry or sympathize or even want to help...she dug this hole herself. She wouldn't be broke if we were working together.

 

So after 4 days I feel good. I know I'm going to run into a wall during this no contact period...but I've got friends and you guys to talk to, to help me get through this. Thanks!

 

It's a strange sensation when the anger hits. I almost felt guilty for being mad at her even after all that was said and done. All in all, you sound like your handling things pretty well after the initial shock, keep it up Tom! Backslides are going to come, but as Gunny says, "this too shall pass"

TOJAZ

[CLC2008]

On the neglect issue...yes I agree with my wife on that fault. I should have been there for her more and spent more time with her. Now...it's not like we never did things together or spent time together. I would call our lives kind of plain at the moment...no exciting trips, no fancy dinners, nothing to excite things or keep things new. I know those things are needed...but I think they help. I think each of our ideas of fun changed a bit as we went along with the marriage. My wife liked to go out a lot...happy hours, bars, and meet up with a lot of people. Me, I'd like to stay in and would have liked to do more things at home.

 

So I ended up watching movies, playing games, on the computer probably more than I should have been. My wife went out and did what she wanted and my neglect is what drove her probably to the EA. I know I'm at fault but so is she. I look back and I know we should of gotten help from a counselor probably a couple years ago.

 

Another one of her issues with me is the fact that she feels like she is a mom sometimes to me. Now, I may have posted it earlier, but her profession, her personality, the way she is as a person screams a care taker...needs and is drawn to helping and taking care of people. If someone is sick at a party or needs a DD, she is the person. She felt at times that I couldn't take care of myself...which isn't true. I always thought she'd be a great mom based on these qualities...but having kids was not for her.

 

My wife also got the impression that she was the one working and working and working for our household. She made the most money and it felt to her that I was draining her financially and emotionally. Now, I didn't make as much as her...but I always did more around the house. The house wasn't a mess due to me constantly keeping it in shape. I also always did all the outside work and many other things. So I always felt I contributed...maybe not as much financially, but in other ways.

 

Hope this helps with some of the reasons that my wife is wanting separation/divorce from me. Personally, I think they are issues that are definitely ones that can be worked on and are not a reason for divorce. But of course she doesn't see it that way.

 

Spending time together, yes obviously important, but I don't think it's a matter of keeping your lives "exciting" by going to different places all the time in order to do that. And while it is both people's faults, because you were both in the relationship, don't condone her stepping outside of you're marriage and becoming romantically involved with another man.

 

That is one thing you should NOT take blame for and something that should not be tolerated.

[SummerLady]

The hardest part of this comes to the realization that you cannot make someone love you back. This is a tough pill to swallow and it was a hard lesson for me to learn. All you can do is make yourself crystal clear on what you want and how you feel. The rest is out of your hands. This is a maturity that took me 37 years to figure out. Don't beat yourself up, blame yourself or find fault with you. Sometimes its the dynamic, sometimes it just not meant to be. Sometimes I am not sure why it does not work out at all, it just doesn't. Good Luck.......

[Tom81]

Just an update on my first week of no contact. All of your comments and help have been really great and have helped me do this. I've really been doing a lot better with the no contact than I thought I would be. Friday night, which I really didn't have anything going on...was really rough for me. I thought about her a lot and wanted to text her...but i texted and talked to my friend instead. I've been calling or texting him instead if I get the urge or have to talk. I'm just going to hang in there for now and keep up with this...although, holidays and parties are coming up which will make things tough. Just wanted everyone to know what's been up and how it's going. I still have hope, but I'm trying to live my life.

[tojaz]

Good for you Tom! Keep fighting the good fight my man, it's still early.

TOJAZ

[JaneDoe35]

Hey Tom, you are doing great!!!

 

It hurts, I know this. I miss my husband so much and I feel so incredibly lonely even though I am surrounded by wonderful family & friends.

 

But contact with him hurts more, every word is like a stab in my heart, the sound of his voice makes me feel desperate and out of control.

 

Until you know you can speak to her and remain 'still' inside no matter what she says don't call her. Well that is what I would do anyway!!

 

You will have those moments when the desperation wants to take over. Don't let it. It is a fight with your own feelings which is so difficult. But if you give in you will be right back at the start again and you will be angry with yourself too.

 

Take care

Jane

[Steadfast]

...I'm just going to hang in there for now and keep up with this...although, holidays and parties are coming up which will make things tough. Just wanted everyone to know what's been up and how it's going. I still have hope, but I'm trying to live my life.

 

Tom, you might want to consider doing what I did when the holidays approached during my divorce. On the advice of friends, I approached these days as 'just another' day and counted them off, one by one. Essentially, you'd be taking the holidays off for 2009 and no one will fault you for that.

 

When alone at home, remember that you didn't choose this, but accept it as your life now and deal. Think positive thoughts about yourself and what life has in store. Remember: you attracted her once. Next time will be better!

 

Maybe start a journal, whatever, just find a way to pass the time constructively.

 

Hang in; you're doing good-

[Tom81]

One thing that I have also been going through (which I'm sure a lot of you have been here) is the physical side of things. I miss hugs, kisses, intimate moments...all of those things that I've had (and taken for granted for many years) are gone. I've already described the emotional hole and I'm trying to work on that. How do you guys deal with the physical hole that is left? It's a hole that I didn't really notice much because of the large problematic emotional hole. But with a week of no contact...I'm thinking about the physical aspect of our relationship that I'm missing too.

[peter roddick]

Hi tom,

 

your story is very much similar to my friend story they have things totally different each other my friends girl friends want to enjoy life what so ever condition or whom so ever the guy because she want to increase social circle but guy love her more then himself care her all time, now she start telling wrong information and living with her manager with his house but showing that they are same friends which they have like. I already tell to my friend left her but he is very emotional guy not ready to accept this condition what we can give him advice if you have any idea please let me know to help poor guy.

[Gunny376]

When all is said and done?

 

Thanksgiving, Christmas?

 

Just another day.

 

For me?

 

After the last breakup? I became strong and determined to get past all of that.

 

To learn how to be strong, self supporting, independent with being alone with just myself ~ with just me, myself and I.

 

To become self validating.

 

Completely independent

 

It was hard ~ DAMN hard!

 

My goal was to achive a state of mind where my happiness and contentment in Life was not dependent upon being in a relationship, having a woman in my life, a part of my life.

[Crusoe]

When all is said and done?

 

Thanksgiving, Christmas?

 

Just another day.

 

For me?

 

After the last breakup? I became strong and determined to get past all of that.

 

To learn how to be strong, self supporting, independent with being alone with just myself ~ with just me, myself and I.

 

To become self validating.

 

Completely independent

 

It was hard ~ DAMN hard!

 

My goal was to achive a state of mind where my happiness and contentment in Life was not dependent upon being in a relationship, having a woman in my life, a part of my life.

 

 

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

[HeavenOrHell]

I know what you mean, I was with my partner 18 years, I miss the affection and intimacy so much, to be honest I'm not coping with it well! Just wanted you to know I know how horrible it is

 

 

One thing that I have also been going through (which I'm sure a lot of you have been here) is the physical side of things. I miss hugs, kisses, intimate moments...all of those things that I've had (and taken for granted for many years) are gone. I've already described the emotional hole and I'm trying to work on that. How do you guys deal with the physical hole that is left? It's a hole that I didn't really notice much because of the large problematic emotional hole. But with a week of no contact...I'm thinking about the physical aspect of our relationship that I'm missing too.

[Printer]

One thing that I have also been going through (which I'm sure a lot of you have been here) is the physical side of things. I miss hugs, kisses, intimate moments...all of those things that I've had (and taken for granted for many years) are gone. I've already described the emotional hole and I'm trying to work on that. How do you guys deal with the physical hole that is left? It's a hole that I didn't really notice much because of the large problematic emotional hole. But with a week of no contact...I'm thinking about the physical aspect of our relationship that I'm missing too.

 

 

Hi Tom81

 

I'm very much in your boat. You are so right. We took the smallest things for granted and now we realise how big they really were. I've been with my wife for 24 years and she called it off earlier this year. The pain is so intense and I miss all the kisses, cuddles and intimate moments. I still have a huge knot in my stomach which just will not go away.

 

Good luck to you

[StillHaveHope]

Tom81, your situation is very similar to mine. I've been married 6 years (1.5 wks ago), together almost 9. My wife left me at the end of July 2009 to live with the other man. It's very sad, but it happened. I went through divorcebusting and did follow most of their advice, but when my wife left, I just couldn't go dark. It was too difficult for me. I never looked at how it could help me, but I guess it would've. I thought I would be doing this to get my wife back (wrong reason maybe) and that seemed manipulative to me (just my opinion).

 

For me, I'm not giving up until I'm ready -- which means I probably will only give up if divorce papers are given to me and I have to sign. I've read a lot of books and spoke to a lot of pastors and therapists (Mort Fertel, Divorcebusting, Lee Baucom, Fred Talisman, etc.). My two favorite books are The Five Love Languages for Men and Love and Respect.

 

Keep in mind that your wife might be in this strong euphoric state right now with the other man. I also thought my wife was acting so "different". It was as if she were on some weird drug -- in the past, she said she would never do this to me and if she heard about an affair that someone was having, she would feel so sad for the betrayed. I consider this "euphoria" like a drug, but this drug will wear off in hopefully 6 months to under 2 years. There is no guarantee that she will come back, but that's the risk I'm going to take.

 

Anyway, hopefully the above was helpful. It sounds like you have a lot of help here. Good luck.

[PWSX3]

Stillhavehope, I would like to suggest you check out material written by Henry Cloud & John Townsend, they also have a great web site. Another good one is Steve Arterburn, he has a web site as well.......

 

That is if you are still thinking of getting back with your spouse.

[CBIIS1]

She's immature and not ready to be in an adult commited relationship. There are better women out there. Dump her.

[seibert253]

She's immature and not ready to be in an adult commited relationship. There are better women out there. Dump her.

 

^^^^^^

This right here

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's immature and not ready to be in an adult commited relationship. There are better women out there. Dump her.

 

My sentiments exactly no one wants to be committed to a whore...

[Steadfast]

Tom, all;

 

I know we miss them, but remembering hugs and kisses from someone who cheated is like fondly remembering a great meal you had in the past. Good, yes, but it's gone. The experience is over. The good news? There are new meals to be eaten, new foods to be tried and enjoyed. There are others.

 

Don't forget that if someone truly loves they won't cheat. That isn't to say people need to be perfect to stay married, but if it went that far it was over before you knew it was. Tom, SHE'S the one missing out. She is up, slowly traveling down. You are down, slowly traveling up. It'll even out, then...

 

There are new kisses and hugs to be had, somewhere down the line. From someone wonderful that loves you for you. Get better, then dig in!! =)

[Gunny376]

As I recall the initial post she was 24 and you were 23 when you first got married.

 

The divorce rate for men that get married under the age of 25? ~ 90%

 

That is to say that your marriage was doomed from the onset. There's nothing magical about that?

 

There's just nothing that prepares us for marriage in the year 2009. We're not taught nor trained in modern society to succeed in marriage and in relationships.

 

Not in school, not in church, not in college ~ anywhere.

 

It's pretty much here's your marriage license, certificate, "Good Luck" your own your own, go for yourself.

 

Then we're thrusted out here in the real world with real world issues. You get a job that's stressful, she does the same, the bills start plying up, the debts start coming in, then comes the children,

 

She's hating her job, your hating yours!

 

She's hating her boss, her career ~ she comes home to a second one.

 

You go to marriage counseling to learn what you should have known before you even got married in the first place?

 

The truth of the matter is? You should have been doing five years ago what you needed to do to save your marriage now?

 

Trouble is? You didn't know five years ago what that was.

 

Just as I didn't know thirty years ago?

 

Its good that your reading and educating yourself about how to be successful in a relationship and marriage ~ most never even pick up a book, reach out, nor investigate.

 

Especially men.

 

There's a difference between ignorant and stupid.

 

Ignorant is when you just don't know any better. You lack the knowledge, the education, the experience.

 

Stupid is when you know better ~ but do it anyway.

 

You my friend have been "awaken" ~ you've choose between the red pill and the blue pill (Matrix reference).

 

You've chosen to live in the 'real' world of your real reality.

 

You've chosen to learn, adapt, and overcome.

 

You've chosen to embrace your own personal reality.

 

You've chosen to grow from and to learn from the pain of such!

 

You've gone from "I can't!" to "I can!"

 

And you can! If but you choose to do so!

 

You hold the keys that will set you free!

[Tom81]

It's been awhile since I've updated things and a lot of you have left some more great feedback that I continue to read and want to thank you guys for it.

 

It's been almost a month of no contact with my wife, unless she makes contact with me. When she contacts me I keep it brief or I respond back briefly and to the point. Overall I've been doing better, but lately it's been a little tough (I'll get to that). Been going out and going to a few friends parties...being very social and having a lot of fun.

 

She has been actually emailing me instead. She even thanked me for the time and space I've been giving her lately. Don't understand, I was giving her too much space when we were married and now she's happy for the F'ing space...fantastic.

 

Lately it's been tough, this past week I had the swine flu and was stuck inside my house for several days. My wife called a couple days in, must have found out from one of her friends on facebook that is still friends with me (recap: wife and I aren't FB friends any more). She called to see how I was doing and said we should meet up soon. Being sick and alone in my house had me weak and thinking a lot about my wife and it really sucked. Almost broke my contact rule a couple times but luckily I texted a good friend instead.

 

I feel sort of weird now, as I'm still hopeful, but it's been several months since she moved out and she hasn't made any steps toward divorce. Really just don't know what she's thinking or what she's doing. I really don't know what to do when we meet up next week?? Probably just talk to her on what's been going on in my life and not be pathetic like i was a month ago when i met with her, pleading for her to come back.

 

I'm going to stick with my NC plan and keep on doing it...it's going to be really tough with holidays coming up. Don't know how I'm going to make it through xmas and new years. New Years eve was always our really nice night out together...that was our night People tell me that my wife can't ever know what she is losing if I keep on clinging and pleading. NC will show her what she lost.

 

Is there a time when I can ask her whether she would want to work on things together? maybe go out or do something? I know it's only been a month of NC, but some feedback would be great. So far you guys have been a huge help. Sorry this post is so long...but it's been awhile.

[tojaz]

Tom, you have stuck your neck out enough for her. It's time she did that for you. Your putting yourself in a vulnerable spot especially this early, if you ask. Just stick to NC, I think the fact that she continues to keep contact is a good sign really, but if anything between you is going t o happen, she has to be the one to initiate it, otherwise your risking a tremendous backslide and she has not proven her commitment to you.

TOJAZ