Feeling obsessive

[SLCJR]

Lately I've been obsessed with my boyfriends's affair he had with a married woman. I understand that everything was in the past, but I can't seem to shake the urge to find out more about her. I guess because I was lied to about her, I am a combination of curious and confused.

 

I don't understand the nature of their relationship, why they were willing to hurt so many people around them when it was made clear to them that they were??

 

I feel like calling her, but never would. The feeling eats away at me. I know it will pass, and it's probably just me holding on to something for no reason, but I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt this way, and did you eventually get over it??

[Girlinterrupted]

I think your curiosity is justified, you want to know what type of person would do this and why but I don't think that you should give into your curiousity if it had nothing to do with you. This is his past and if you where not a part of it at the time you should just let it be, it's over and done with. Enjoy the present that you share with him.

[Arabess]

Having an affair is like eating too much cheesecake. You KNOW it's gonna make you miserable....but it seems to fill your hunger at the time. Then, before you know it.....you feel like crap.....and have to make yourself leave the table. Afterwards, you don't want to talk about it or discuss it again. Everyone involved feels like an IDIOT!

 

SOOOO, in your case....I wouldn't call HER....nor would I ask HIM about it. I agree with Girl, it was before your time and really has no bearing on your relationship with him NOW. Just let it go.

[SLCJR]

Thank you both for your input. I really just needed to hear it coming from someone else that I need to let go! I have never used a message board before, and it is such a neat discovery for me.

 

Thanks again. It was a big help.

[raineysong46]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I can relate. It makes you feel insane.Your heart says one thing, your head another.

 

It's been 7 months since it happened to me, and I still don't know if I'll ever overcome it. It's a hurt I don't want to feel again, that's for sure.

 

I wish you the best. Time may be the only way to find resolve.

[SLCJR]

Rainey,

 

Good luck to you too. I haven't gotten over it, but am happy to say that it is slowly fading from my mind. I can say that there were days I would totally drive myself nuts thinking about her, or them together, the whys, whens, wheres.... but it really doesn't do anything but make you crazy. Ugh. I'm hopeful though.

[jmargel]

Did he cheat on you with her? If so, that's a whole other issue. As far as myself (29 yr old male) I did the unexpected and slept with a married woman. Yes I regret it, and ashamed of it. But at that time I was single, and she was in an a abusive relationship (married over 15 yrs) she was 35. I was there as a friend to her to give her advice, but wasn't attached to her. I believe I was the first person to truly listen to her problems & give her advice. One thing lead to another & sex happened. It wasn't even enjoyable. She then fell for me hard, saying she was in love with me, but I had to tell her it wasn't going to happen. Just too many differences.

 

To my girlfriend, I had to tell her this. Actually she knew before we even became a couple. Its something I don't think about (or rather not too). I would assume he is like me, in that he's concentrating on what he has now, which is you. You can't change the past so stop beating yourself up over it. I'm sure he doesnt look back on it & fantasize about it. If he does then he's not the one for you.

 

Anyway hope this helps.

[SLCJR]

jmargel,

 

He was dating her when we first started talking. He says that he ended it with her before we got together, but only after lying to me for a year about her. I didn't even know she existed!! When talking about past relationships, he referred to his ex as the woman he dated before the married one. So he just entirely left her out of the picture.

 

That is why I have such a complex. I kept finding out little tid bits about her randomly through his friends & co-workers who thought I knew about her. Had I not been lied to from the very beginning, I think I would be able to handle it better because there would be no questions.

 

To top things off, because I was led to believe his last girlfriend or person he slept with was not her, he also lied about his sexual history, and I wound up getting HPV from him which he got from her. So it got a little more complicated than your story, although it is very similar.

 

All things aside, your input really helped me to understand maybe why he even had an affair with a married woman. Thank you - it was really great to have a guy's perspective.

[jmargel]

Hi.. I'll write a little more when I have time about it. All I can say was I was in a bad time of my life, loneliness for one. He was probably too ashamed to tell you about her, which I could understand. But it was not right for him to hide that from you.

 

I'll write some more tonight..

[SLCJR]

jmargel,

 

I'm really interested in your story. It's really helping me cope or really just understand the whole situation. I just have lots of unanswered questions...questions I probably don't need to know the answers to... but plauge me from time to time.

[jmargel]

Glad to hear its helping you some. Each situation is different, but it does sound like he's ashamed of it. I think what you two need to do is talk about the 'whole' thing, him answering any questions you have. You might have some tough questions to ask him, some that might sting you at the moment. But, that'll pass & at least you know everything is out in the open. The worst part is now, with you wondering what really happened. It might not have been as bad as you are thinking.

 

An important question to ask him is why did he not tell you for an entire year about this? Trust & communication is the biggest foundation for a relationship. With what he did not tell you, broke both of those. So you have every right to feel upset. Its hard to trust someone when they don't tell you things that you should know about.

 

As for my situation, the married woman still emails me from time to time. No my current gf doesnt know this, but this married chick knows i'm completely in love with my gf. This woman actually saw me in a store the other week & hugged me. Should have I told my gf? Maybe, maybe not. The only reason why I didnt was because there is 'nothing' there between me & this other woman. I didn't want to upset my gf over something like this. So, just because he didnt mention anything to you doesnt mean he was hiding it from you in terms of he had feelings for her, or was seeing you both at the same time. It couldve meant him wanting to protect you from these feelings that you are experiencing now.

 

The best way to resolve this is to talk to him & get all your questions answered.

[SLCJR]

jmargel,

 

I was wondering why you even keep in contact with her if there is nothing there. I guess I just feel that since the relationship you had with her was wrong, why remain sort of friends?? What would she have to e-mail you about? I only question it because you said that a relationship is based on trust... but you are keeping this from your gf. If she means so much to you, why don't you just ask the married woman to stop contacting you? Do you feel guilty at all keeping it from your gf? It is a little similar to me finding out about my boyfriends affair. What if all of a sudden, somehow your gf found out the married woman e-mails you from time to time? Do you think she would feel you were hiding something more than just the innocent e-mailing? I don't know how your gf feels about the married woman, but I would be upset that you still kept in contact.

 

Sorry for soooo many questions!!!!

[jmargel]

Originally posted by SLCJR

jmargel,

 

I was wondering why you even keep in contact with her if there is nothing there. I guess I just feel that since the relationship you had with her was wrong, why remain sort of friends?? What would she have to e-mail you about? I only question it because you said that a relationship is based on trust... but you are keeping this from your gf. If she means so much to you, why don't you just ask the married woman to stop contacting you? Do you feel guilty at all keeping it from your gf? It is a little similar to me finding out about my boyfriends affair. What if all of a sudden, somehow your gf found out the married woman e-mails you from time to time? Do you think she would feel you were hiding something more than just the innocent e-mailing? I don't know how your gf feels about the married woman, but I would be upset that you still kept in contact.

 

Sorry for soooo many questions!!!!

 

No, thats ok.. Ask as many as you want. As for my situation, I don't contact her. She has emailed me & I responded with short emails. Its partly because she has another boyfriend who she is moving in with. We talked for almost 2 years, and during that time I was her 'friend' trying to encourage her to get out of a physically abusive marriage with her husband. Emails are like maybe once a month or two just as an update on how she is doing. If my gf were to find out, I would suspect she would be thinking perhaps something was going on, but she totally trusts me & vice-versa. If she wanted to view the emails I would have no problem with it. This married woman knows i'm in love with my gf and respects that. I consider this woman just an email friend, but if my gf wanted me to stop all contact with her I would. Perhaps I might mention it to her, but in all honesty the only thing that is going on, is between me & my gf. I would never even think of cheating or flirting with anyone else.

[SLCJR]

jmargel,

 

I understand where you are coming from, but I don’t necessarily agree. I don’t see why you would risk your gf’s feelings getting hurt or her doubting you over 2 e-mails a month from someone you don’t care about. I suppose I just see it as your purpose in her (married woman) life has passed, and you should leave it at that. (& so should she)

 

She continues to e-mail you because you respond. I think your gf would think something was up, and it would put a dent in the trust she has for you now. Totally not worth it!! I’m sure she would not want to read the e-mails, that isn’t really the issue. Plus it would probably upset her, leaving you with a bag full of questions you probably don’t want to answer – just like my bf. But I could be totally off & your gf might not even care!! J

 

Anyhow – I know I just completely went on & on…. Thank you so much for your opinion, it really helped me realize that what I think is wrong may not be wrong in the eyes of other people. – It’s all just a difference in opinion. Thanks!!

[jmargel]

Oh, there have been times where I didn't respond. Only to get another email a week or so later. I've seen her bad temper side, and the last thing I want to do is piss her off & have her start anything with my gf. So, sending a couple of sentences in a return email is worth not having to go through all that drama. I can understand her being upset (my gf), but on the other hand she still calls her ex-bf, which I don't ask details about. I trust her enough that she keeps it at a 'friends' level.

 

I guess it is all about people's opinions. If he's not dating this other chick now, and shows you the attention & love that a couple should have between each other I wouldn't worry about any of his past. Thats why its called a past. Focus on the future, since you can't change anything that has happened before. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. It just happens that you found his out.