Banger Sisters

[Jmina]

Hi guys,

 

 

I have some stuff to get off my chest =( well, i have posted about this friend before... you see, we have been friends for about 12 years, really close, intimate - but in a platonic way, we can talk about anything, do anything, just yeah its really ...neat. we even became romantically intimate on one occasion, and were able to just take it for what it was and our friendship didnt even change, just as strong as ever, we have both talked about it, it felt right, we love each other so we wanted to express it... were the love of each others lives, were best friends.

 

The problem is, she is 9 years younger than me, and for the past year or so, every now and then i get the cold shoulder... but i know for a face the thing is she does this to pretty much everyone.

 

she is kind of known for being obsessed with one or two people at a time till she gets them out her system and then moves onto the next...she still remains good friends with her previous obsession but yeah, they feel the cut and usually assume something is wrong, but she covers it up somehow and keeps everyone within reach. usually there are no problems at all with me and her and couple of others shes close with,

 

She never done this to me until this year... weve always been like family, but currently in this moment, i don't know whats going on with her life at all... i know shes fairly busy, and struggling with some stuff like boyfriend issues... i keep in touch with her and she responds but its all my effort.

 

i feel like i keep getting these little heart breaks, but then she'll appear saying how much she misses me and that she needs to talk etc and ill think i was just being jealous and that it was all my problem.

 

 

but i havnt heard for her from weeks, not properly and shes ALWAYS with this one other person... im trying to be patient, it just hurts...

 

 

its my birthday this weekend... i want my best friend there... but she forgot and planned something else, i texted her today asking if she was free the day before and she said she was working and will cancel her other plans... but i just felt like she was only doing it because she felt obliged... not because she really wanted to... so i replied saying "don't worry do what you want to do x"

 

..she didnt reply.

 

She gets it from everyone... people complaining that she hasnt kept in touch, or they think she is angry at them, or every other person misses her. Now i am one of them and i just feel like another 'friend' on the list.

 

I know we will be okay, i know its a life long friendship, and i know she is going through some stuff... but her issues always hurt me. she was there 24/7 when i was in and out of hospital critically ill, she was there when i fell off the face of the earth when i broke up with my ex, ive held her when shes cried and cried, i stood up next to her when she was singing and choked up at her grandfathers funeral and so sang for her till she could and we sang the rest together...

 

but lately

shes distant. the good outways the bad, and as were getting older the bad becomes less are far few between... but yeah she hurts me a lot, and she doesnt want to hear about it either. because she will take it as an attack, ive tried before and she says 'its always my fault' i mean all i want is her to maybe ask how i am once in a while, catch up once instead of her endless hanging out with this obssession... want to spend time with me too... be there on my birthday because why wouldnt she?

 

im sorry, i feel like a crappy best friend right now.

 

maybe it really is me???

 

so why do i feel so crap... aching. its been ages now.

 

 

mina

[TheLoneSock]

...I'd be glad to take things off your chest ...

 

 

Lol but really, people are distant for many different reasons- most unexplained. The lack of communication she is giving you makes me think she's being passive aggressive in a way, for whatever reason. Then again this may just be her personality.

 

Some people just have distant/closed off personalities in general. Some people like to just be left alone. I've been guilty of doing this in the past with my circle of friends, shutting them out for a few months on end, not answering calls or texts. They were good enough friends to just be relentless with me, and when I had had my fill of alone time, I came around and things went back to normal.

 

I don't think it's you, it's probably just her personality.

[Jmina]

lol, thanks lone sock *sigh*

[TheLoneSock]

lol, thanks lone sock *sigh*

 

Well my words might not have been that comforting. But my advice is to just continue to be her friend. Like I said, my friends were relentless with me- not that they blew my phone up all the time, but at LEAST once a week I would get a text or call from a couple of them, inviting me somewhere, asking how I'm doing- wether they would get a response or not, the contacts from them always came, even though it would have otherwise seemed I was shutting them out.

 

Like I said sometimes people just want to be left alone for a while, for personal growth, to get something out of their system, to deal with some emotions, whatever. You said other people get the same from her, that says it all right there. Don't take it personally, just continue to be her friend, she'll come around.

[Devil Inside]

Mina

 

Sorry you are feeling down.

 

Stop feeling guilty...and like a bad best friend. It hurts when we feel like we cannot count on those we are closest to. Anybody in your shoes would feel down and disappointed.

 

It seems you are best friends with a person that is a flake and little bit self absorbed. I think we can all be like that at times...but it seems to be her pattern. It must be hard for you...it would for anyone.

 

It seems...however...like you have accepted that your friend is who she is...you won't be able to change her. It is hard, however, I can see that. I hope there are others in your life there to make you feel good and valued.

 

I think your friend loves you...but she shows it how she can...which isn't great...but at least you know what to expect. I don't think that will ever change.

 

I hope things go better. Have a great B-day...what is it..like 23? You look great.

[Jmina]

Well my words might not have been that comforting. But my advice is to just continue to be her friend. Like I said, my friends were relentless with me- not that they blew my phone up all the time, but at LEAST once a week I would get a text or call from a couple of them, inviting me somewhere, asking how I'm doing- wether they would get a response or not, the contacts from them always came, even though it would have otherwise seemed I was shutting them out.

 

Like I said sometimes people just want to be left alone for a while, for personal growth, to get something out of their system, to deal with some emotions, whatever. You said other people get the same from her, that says it all right there. Don't take it personally, just continue to be her friend, she'll come around.

 

It comforting that someone is there to listen and help out. I will continue to be her friend definately... it's just hard to take it, when usually we are always so close... it makes it easier though to talk about it, and get it off my chest, its easier to get on with my own stuff and sort of wait for her to come round without stressing so much about it.. thanks

[Jmina]

Mina

 

Sorry you are feeling down.

 

Stop feeling guilty...and like a bad best friend. It hurts when we feel like we cannot count on those we are closest to. Anybody in your shoes would feel down and disappointed.

 

It seems you are best friends with a person that is a flake and little bit self absorbed. I think we can all be like that at times...but it seems to be her pattern. It must be hard for you...it would for anyone.

 

It seems...however...like you have accepted that your friend is who she is...you won't be able to change her. It is hard, however, I can see that. I hope there are others in your life there to make you feel good and valued.

 

I think your friend loves you...but she shows it how she can...which isn't great...but at least you know what to expect. I don't think that will ever change.

 

I hope things go better. Have a great B-day...what is it..like 23? You look great.

 

Hey Devil

thanks for the compassion and the understanding! i didnt think anyone would really understand it how it is, but you seem to get a good picture of whats going on. it really helps!! just to know you understand! there are others in my life that make me feel good, and valued for sure. but she ... i just adore her i guess. thanks for the birthday wishes... i'm turning 26

[Devil Inside]

Hey Devil

thanks for the compassion and the understanding! i didnt think anyone would really understand it how it is, but you seem to get a good picture of whats going on. it really helps!! just to know you understand! there are others in my life that make me feel good, and valued for sure. but she ... i just adore her i guess. thanks for the birthday wishes... i'm turning 26

 

I have been on both sides of this situation.

 

I have had friends like this. Not best friends...but a very close friend that just seemed to disappear all the time. He was my boy...and I had a lot of love for him...but he just disappointed me so much. I wanted to be able to count on him. I eventually got to the point with him where I realized...this is him...and I have to choose whether to take it or leave it. We are still friends...but he is not someone that I count on for things. I know in a crisis he would be there...but not for the smaller things...which is sad...this is what life is made up of..the smaller things.

 

I have also been the flake. I can be a self absorbed bastage. One of my best friends now puts forth more energy then I do. I am a father...and I have responsibilities that he doesn't...but it really is no excuse for the way that I bail on him sometimes. Reading your words makes me realize...when it comes down to it the most valuable thing we have in this world is our bond to others. When it is all said and done...my stuff, my job, my prestige...it all doesn't matter...my relationships are what is important...I need to put forth the time and energy to nurtutre my connections....thanks.

[Ronni_W]

i know she is going through some stuff... but her issues always hurt me.

I don't get how this could happen. Unless you mean that, it hurts you when she is also having issues because then she can't be there for you in the ways that you want and need?

 

I've been on the other side -- where people wanted/expected me to somehow 'shelve' my issues and problems until it suited their schedule and/or they felt like listening to, and supporting, me.

 

It sucks in exactly the same way as you're experiencing her being "distant".

It's quite possible that SHE has started to wonder along the lines of, "Where is Mina? Why isn't Mina asking how she can help me get through my current struggles and the issues with my boyfriend? I wish Mina and others would not go distant when I'm having issues. I'm feeling pulled-on, depleted and alone. I wish I could receive some understanding and compassion instead of just always being asked to give it."

 

It's not that you're a crappy friend, though -- not at all. If people have been perceiving her as "always together, strong, resilient, able to work out her own crap," that is how she wanted to and did present herself to her outside world.

The problem is that one can't keep that up forever, and at some point one does collapse from the weight of it. Now it's up to her to learn how to start asking for whatever help and support she wants and needs.

 

And you could, if you wanted to, approach her from a position of wanting to lend your compassionate ear and heart to her without simultaneously needing hers. It's a different option that could promote an even deeper bond.

[Jmina]

I don't get how this could happen. Unless you mean that, it hurts you when she is also having issues because then she can't be there for you in the ways that you want and need?

 

I've been on the other side -- where people wanted/expected me to somehow 'shelve' my issues and problems until it suited their schedule and/or they felt like listening to, and supporting, me.

 

It sucks in exactly the same way as you're experiencing her being "distant".

It's quite possible that SHE has started to wonder along the lines of, "Where is Mina? Why isn't Mina asking how she can help me get through my current struggles and the issues with my boyfriend? I wish Mina and others would not go distant when I'm having issues. I'm feeling pulled-on, depleted and alone. I wish I could receive some understanding and compassion instead of just always being asked to give it."

 

 

 

 

It's not that you're a crappy friend, though -- not at all. If people have been perceiving her as "always together, strong, resilient, able to work out her own crap," that is how she wanted to and did present herself to her outside world.

The problem is that one can't keep that up forever, and at some point one does collapse from the weight of it. Now it's up to her to learn how to start asking for whatever help and support she wants and needs.

 

And you could, if you wanted to, approach her from a position of wanting to lend your compassionate ear and heart to her without simultaneously needing hers. It's a different option that could promote an even deeper bond.

 

I understand this, weve been here before too. and i know i am strong enough, and big enough to breath it all out and again do this.

 

thanks for the reply.What I mean is, i know she is going through her own stuff, seeming to require either space, or she wants other people around her to deal with it all. and usually i am patient, no big deal, i understand, been there too, but i am having a hard time now because its it's not the first time, nor 2nd, 3rd or 4th also if she is wondering where i am then she is either blind or deaf because i am clearly there for her. Me not being there for her is not the problem. Her now ex boyfriend treats her in a manipulative, verbally abusive way that she knows i really can't stand. She knows how i feel about him and that i can't believe what she puts up with. I've tried the soft approach, i too know how hard it is to separate yourself from someone you love no matter what the situation. She's had the option to move on or to go back, after she tried the move on for so long, and kept saying i just want to give him another chance, he says he will change, i have to give it to him, or i will never know, then the part of me that too needed this with my ex agreed. Go back i said. Find out what you need to find out. Do what ever you need to do to find out what is right. She then thinks he wont take her back. Falls into a victim role.

 

i have tried and tried to help her with it, but it is something she has chosen to go through, this seems to be at an expense of our friendship. It has something to do with it ALL. It must be.

 

 

We went through a period where she would only be around when she needed me to 'fix' her. Never wanted to go out and do fun things - and it wasnt like she wasnt having fun with others.

 

i would get her on her hungover days, or the day where she wants to spend all day in bed. Which is not all a bad thing, i am there for her and always will be. She is there for me too, and this is something i am prepared to do because she is just a part of me. The thing is i couldnt help but notice her jumping back up and going out with other friends having fun, to then need me again a week or so later to fall back down with again.

 

Or alternately she wants me to 'escape' with, we will go away for a weekend, or a week, and find ourselves in our own world and usually its the best time we have ever experienced. she said before 'everything else just dissapears or doesnt exisit when i'm with you' Our experiences amaze each other. Completely oblivious to the outside world.

 

Sometimes the communication is great, at the moment not so great.

 

It's like our connection. friendship. sisterhood. whatever you want to call it, is sort of tainted. It's either really really great! or just not there at all from one of us. and then there are struggles. It's been like this for as long as i can rememeber. I think it's this way because of the variables in our lives. First our Age difference makes it hard and we know this. We arent sure how to deal with it at times, sometimes it just pulls us a part in ways we don't really have control of.

 

. Shes at school, i'm out of school. but then we both are studying the same things - shes often busy with dance at night, and i am busy with dance during the day. (full time ballet) We both have our own sets of school friends, dance friends, day to day routines where we just don't come into contact. It has to be purely because we want to see each other. Yet at big occasions, meaningful moments, family members will ask where the other one is if she is not present. People just know our connection and accept it. We even look the same and are often mistaken for sisters.

 

I can see how it is hard, but in my eyes it is too great a friendship to drop because of the cons. i know we will be forever empty and hurt if one of us disappears. we are like each others halves, its funny when asked about future children we only see each other there. things like that. I want to be patient for her .. again. My life is slower than normal and hers is busier. i have more time to wonder why she hasn't got in contact.

 

How do i handle the frustration that goes a long with it? mainly because i know i will feel it again in the future. Do i need to come to a point where i let it all go because i know this is how she is? what if one day it is because of me, and i am at a point where i can't see it because i have learnt not to take it personally. then i will find myself back where i started.

i wish we had more communication about it... but i don't know how because previous times it has not worked how we would have liked. i tried to be as honest as i could and it still came across as an attack. I dont think it is something i can bring up anymore because she can't change. i know how much she feels about me, she just has a different way of showing it. (or not

 

unless we are in one of those escape times and talk about it when we have all guards down, and complete love for each other is alive and present, i don;t see how we can work it out together.

 

i know i can come to a spot where i can let it go till she is ready, or free enough to catch up. i just worry about the next time. this isn't at all close to how i would treat her, or anyone else, that off on, hot cold, sort of thing. so i find it hard to accept for myself... however i have understanding and knowledge on it we have differences, it might be a part of her personality too, and then there are usual paths that friendships take when changing and growing etc so why wouldnt i be patient? it would be (whether its best for me or not) completely selfish if i chose to end it all. and i know i would be much more miserable for a long long time.

 

 

 

thanks for the post. at first it annoyed me because i it seemed you thought i wasnt compassionate or helpful at all, but it has occured to me that currently because ive been here before this time i wanted to stop being exactly that and think of me for a change. however that wouldnt put me any place that is better anyway. so it brings me back too your last suggestion of being something that in previous moments i was not. compassionate, open mind and heart. so thank you.

 

It is like i have my own little deal with myself that she doesnt know about, so that we can continue on. i hope hope hope one she will get some insight on this in her own way. and that it will become easier in the times that its not.

 

maybe you will be around next time to remind me

 

Thanks for reading this long post!!

 

Jmina

 

oxox

Edited October 19, 2009 by Jmina

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Jmina.

I can tell that it is difficult for you, and you are doing your best to be understanding and compassionate for/about her -- and simultaneously not to abandon your Self; your own needs, desires and feelings. The 'happy balance' can often be so tough to find.

 

The age difference may also be playing a large part. It sounds close-but-not-exactly like a parent/mentor-child relationship...but then there is also the peer relationship, and all of it just makes it that much more difficult to define. Maybe it's that there are very different sets of expectations?

 

I mean. If I put her around 20 and you around 30 (give or take some years either way) -- and then I try to think what I'd be thinking if I were the 20-year old in that relationship...it probably would be quite different than being the 30-y/o. That is, depending on whose shoes I try to 'walk in', it's a totally different path that I walk.

 

At 20, how she's doing it would feel quite 'normal' to me; I'd take it for granted that "Jmina understands because she's been this age herself, and she gets me, and she knows I'm only 20." But at 30 -- quite frankly I'd be judging that same behaviour as immature, rude, lacking compassion, etc., etc. AND AT THE SAME TIME, I'd be kinda-mostly cool with it because I've been that age myself, I get her, and I know she's only 20.

 

So...frustration, upset, understanding and compassion on the side of the 30-year old. And none of that on the side of the 20-y/o.

Where I am now (which is close enough to 50), I'd see the key as being 'acceptance'. Regardless of the reasons, it still is that you are choosing this relationship and the downsides of your choice is that her age does not afford her the wisdom, insight and depth of compassion that might influence her to be able to better nurture her important relationships and significant supporters.

 

You can also be more assertive about your own needs. "Friend, if you want to keep me as an important, significant person in your life, then this is what I need to happen: _________, ________ and ________. You're not obligated to do it, but these are the potential consequences if our relationship does not support and uplift me in the ways that I need from my valuable relationships: _________, ________ and ________. "

 

If she can't or won't make the effort to make the relationship more mutually beneficial, then you get to make a new decision. It would not be a "selfish" one, but a self-caring one.

 

Alternatively, you can choose to NOT speak out for your own needs, and just accept a relationship with her on her terms -- if, when, how, what she wants to give and take. With this, you're also choosing to stop feeling upset, frustrated or disappointed with the consequences of your own choice.

 

It's difficult. As is, the relationship clearly isn't working for you anymore. But your frustration is coming from expecting things that she is unable or unwilling to give, for whatever reasons -- could be her personality, could be her age/lack of life experience, could be some combination.

 

From where I'm sitting, you get to change (your side of) the dynamic -OR- you learn to live with your choice to not change it and stop feeling put out by it -OR- you let it go with love and gratitude for what it was.

 

Being the "grown-up" (understanding, compassionate, forgiving, self-loving) sure ain't for sissies, is it?

Edited October 19, 2009 by Ronni_W

[Jmina]

she's turning 17 and i'm turning 25. We are fairly similar in maturity - of course me being older i have more experience and have come further in self exploration ,development, acceptance because of this. I probably have better common sense naturally, but she teaches me a lot of things too just from the person she is and her own experiences. Our friendship used to have a big/little sister type feel, and we still introduce each other to our friends as 'little/big sister' buuut at the same time it is changing and becoming different as we are getting older. We feel different about each other but now. but its just easier to introduce people as my sister.

 

I know its going to get better for the simple fact as you stated of her age/lack of experience. i read your post but i'm going to read it again later and let it sink in a bit better. But from the read that i have had, I don't think she's ready to hear much of that right now and i am patient and for the most peaceful enough to wait for a better time. She has been through a lot the past year, loosing someone important to her, and yeah just a lot of unsettling stuff, i think she will see this as a proposition she shouldn't have to take. Maybe another year or so will be different. I have some plans for next year that will put space between us anyway (travelling) so its going to change again. Maybe she is preparing for my leave by pushing me away too.

 

It's not a 'normal' age friendship and i have many other friends -close friends my age too and so does she. we just developed this sisterly bond growing up from our dance school that has sort of transformed and grew over the years to a more best friend type friendship over the last 2 years. We spend family easter together on holiday and christmas nights together too. our parents get together sometimes also.

 

Her mum told us that she also had a best friend who had an even bigger age gap to her (older) when she was younger too and she completely understands. My mum also had a younger best friend growing up. But anyway

 

There is a lot of work put into this friendship compared to others because at times we are worlds apart. Sometimes we just have bestfriends because they are there everyday at school or work or uni, and it's kind of convenient. Ours is not convenient at all! lol but it's worth it.

 

i'm going to keep posting about this over the next few weeks... just to keep a check on it all and maybe notice if there are any patterns or if i could be handling things better.

 

thanks for being there!

Jmina

[Boundary Problem]

Well my words might not have been that comforting. But my advice is to just continue to be her friend. Like I said, my friends were relentless with me- not that they blew my phone up all the time, but at LEAST once a week I would get a text or call from a couple of them, inviting me somewhere, asking how I'm doing- wether they would get a response or not, the contacts from them always came, even though it would have otherwise seemed I was shutting them out.

 

Like I said sometimes people just want to be left alone for a while, for personal growth, to get something out of their system, to deal with some emotions, whatever. You said other people get the same from her, that says it all right there. Don't take it personally, just continue to be her friend, she'll come around.

 

good advice.