We Have Sex, But He Acts Hot & Cold...

[jbear]

Hey everyone. A quick note, I know I'm young (18 years old) and I know what I have been doing may be wrong/unhealthy, but... I guess I'm just letting it roll off my shoulders and decided to get advice about this whole mess so I can move on with my life since it boggles my mind 24/7 everyday. I don't want people to criticize me for the choices I make in life since I am an adult and I will do what I want unless of course it truly hurts someone else or something. Okay, rolling!

 

I'm going to give as much details to paint a detailed picture so you can pick apart the situation more easily. (Sorry if it seems long, but yeah, lol!) Anyways... I have this guy friend with benefits. I met him about 3 years ago when I moved into this small city in Pennsylvania (originally came from New Jersey). We met at a late bus ride home after we had detentions. I was 15 and a sophomore in high school at the time, while he was 18 and a senior. The first year of us meeting and hanging out was completely platonic- We enjoyed each others' company very much and he seemed pretty into me as a friend. He had his separate female problems and I just enjoyed myself meeting new people in the new school. I used to remember the one time I commented on his Myspace page after about 2 months of us being too busy to talk (I hated school and so did he, ha ha!) asking what was up, and he commented back, "Oh my Gooood! I haven't spoken to you for like everrrr!" and was generally very happy to talk to me again. It was cute.

 

The second year of me living here, I met my now ex boyfriend of a year and a half. I was 16, 4 months till I turned 17. That's when my guy friend started acting up; He became very interested in me all of a sudden and finally made a move- He kissed me. Right on the first month of my ex and I dating, and my guy friend went in for the kill and kissed me. I kissed him back, to which this day I still regret because cheating is wrong and I know it must of hurt my ex even though he wouldn't admit it. He and I would hang out and he would always pounce on me to get me to kiss him, and I did, since I was such a terrible person. We did it around 3 times, I think? Anyways... we stopped for a while and around the third-fourth of my ex and I dating, I fell in love with my ex and my guy friend sensed this and backed off. I thought that was the end of it... But it didn't.

 

I believe around the middle half of my past relationship, he started acting up again. I went to his house one time to just see a movie with him. We are known to be a bit affectionate around each other, so he came and sit on the same chair as me while we watched the movie. As we were talking about piercings, I asked him if I should get a monroe. He took my face in his hands and "examined" to see I could pull it off, but I could tell he really wanted to kiss me again. I must of pulled back or made a face or something, because then he would let go and told me that he didn't think I could pull it off. So we watched the movie. When I left to go back home, he pulled me back roughly and try to force one on me, but this time, despite what happened in the past, I pulled away (He held onto me pretty tightly, though!) and laughed, "Hey! I have to go now, okay?" But he still held onto me and finally, he pulled me in and stole a kiss from me. Needless to say, I was bummed on the drive home. I finally felt terrible about what happened and I told my ex the truth. He took it pretty well, but I was bawling my eyes out feeling like crud. I vowed to him that it would never happen again.

 

Indeed, it never did happened again. Many months afterwards, we sadly broke up, though the kissing thing wasn't a reason for it. (I initiated the break up first.) But that's a whole 'nother story.

 

Oh, forgot to mention; After the whole last kiss incident, my guy friend then started to text me a whole lot and I felt a hunch that he was trying to get in between me and my then boyfriend. But I let it go and decided to show my ex the texts, and my ex did indeed felt a little angry but let it go as well. I remember the one time I went to this party of a mutual friend of our's, and my ex couldn't make it to the party, so I decided to just enjoy the rest of the people there by myself, and I knew most of them so I had fun. My guy friend was there, and I remembered us catching each others' eyes from across the room where the party held. He looked like he saw the most attractive person in the entire world... And that was, of course, me he was staring/smiling at. He came over to me and I forgot what happened, but we just talked, laughed like friends would, and the rest seemed like a blur to me...

 

Third year rolled around, and my now ex and I broke up. Right at the first month of us breaking up, I texted the same guy friend and offered us to hook up. He was flattered and said yes, but then I felt pretty much unready, due to the unresolved issues I had with the ex, so I cancelled. He took it well, though. Finally after 5 months of us being broken up, I went to the guy friend's house and we just hung out. He came onto me and kissed me, of course, same old record playing. This time I took it too far... I was on top of him and I begged him to have sex with me while kissing him. He just lied there, though, that's the first weird thing that's happened. The first time he ever kissed me (the second year) he even tried to manually stimulate me but I stopped him before he got through my jeans. (Cough! TMI, my bad.) Anyways... He got up looking happy, like any guy would before getting laid, and he went to get the condom. He put it on and I got on top of him and yeah... We rolled around in his bed and he finally got on top of me. A few slow thrusts and he pulled out, saying, "Oh God, hold on... M-my heart, it's gonna explode if I continue..." he said while clutching at the front of his shirt. I got a bit worried so we stopped. I asked him if he was alright, and he just replied, "Heart problems." I suggested maybe he should get it checked out, to which he scoffs and replies, "Screw that."

 

A month or so later, we were texting and he got very flirty in his texts, sending me very sexual explicit jokes and such. He would be like, "We should do it, let's do it, I'm so horny, etc etc." but then when I would be like, "Okay, when and where?" that's when he did weird things like laugh it off or change the subject. We would do this for a few times before he finally "gave in" and told me the date and time we will meet up. So one night, I found myself in his car late at night while he was giving me oral. (I'm sorry if this is TMI! I'm trying to be as discrete as possible and trying to paint the goddarn picture!) We heard some weird noises outside the car so we stopped to look around. Assuming it was nothing, I laid down again so we could continue, but he said something I thought guys would never say to a willing girl... "We should stop. I have to take you home."

 

I felt a bit mortified (and very much sexually frustrated) but I stayed quiet about it and he took me home, where I snuck back to my bedroom. So you ask, is that the end of it? Well, not quite yet...

 

So we continued texting each other regulary, one time being him texting me daily and for hours on end, trying to get me to stay in contact with him. He, again, would pull the sexual jokes, but when I would play along and ask, "Sure! When and where, hun?" that's when he would, once again, laugh it off or be like, "Ehhh I don't know, really, ha ha ha! I'll think of something..." and then rolls in more sexually inuendo jokes. Whatever... It was then I came to realize that we are more than just friends, and finally moved on to being lovers instead, friends with benefits if you please. So blah blah blah, we FINALLY got to one point where he finally made a plan for us to see each other. He would get off from work and pick me up to go to his house. So he did and we went to his house, and the sex was unbelieveably good... I would be lieing if I said I was being quiet throughout the whole thing. I know how the whole friends with benefits worked, you can't be all lovey-dovey to that friend of your's before/after the intimacy happens, I know this. I wasn't being lovey-dovey at all, I was being very sexual and casual about it. Out of nowhere, he pulled this BS excuse that he had to see his mom at work and that he had to take me home. At least I had what I wanted, so I got up and he took me home. I texted him saying, "Thanks for that, it was amazing. ;D" and he texts back, "Haha, you're welcome!"

 

About 3 days later, I text him to see what's up. We spoke and again, he began flirting with me hardcore (and even went as far as saying, "I need a tight *insert crude slang term for a girl's private part here* around my *insert crude slang term for his private part here*" and I knew he was talking about me since I am, well... "Tight", according to what he told me the first time we did it. He kept this up for a long time, and I finally ask, "Ha ha, what's with all of this? Do you want something from me? Sex perhaps?" and he text me back, "Oh no, I'm in a relationship with someone right now. If I wanted sex, I would ask you straight up. I'm blunt like that and you know this." I admit, I felt a little jealous/hurt that he has a new girl in his life, so I was like, "Oh. Ok. Cool." and right there he texts back, "What's wrong?" and I was all, "Nothing." and we stopped texting.

 

A few days later and he's back. This time he seems pretty friendly, practically like how he was with me the first year we met. He kept texting me and made damn sure I would reply back to his texts everytime. Even if I didn't text back, 10 minutes later my phone will vibrate and I would open to find a new text from him. He would even text me late at night when I was almost close to falling asleep. Finally after about a week of him compulsively texting me, he began the flirting and finally asks me to meet up with him. I knew what was going to happen so I wasn't surprised by this at all. What was going to happen to me that night, though, would certaintly catch me by surprise, though... Here's what happened;

 

7 days ago (and 7 days since I have yet heard from him), we snuck into his room late at night. I'm talking about in the AM late at night. He turned on his TV and popped in a movie, turned off the lights, and we watched the first few parts of the movie before he turned to me and started kissing me. I kissed back and our clothes slid off our bodies as he got a bit rough with me with the kissing and feeling me up. We fooled around a little before he put on a condom and got on top of me. He went in (Ahem, sorry.) and after merely 10 seconds of him thrusting, he pulled back and muttered, "I'm tired. Sorry." before going back to watch the rest of the movie. I'm not sure as to whether he "finished" or not... As you can imagine, I was baffled. How could he want me for sex so so badly in the beginning, and right when it was finally happening, he would pull new excuses to stop in the middle? We were successful the last time we did it, why did he stop now?!? I kept in my confusion to myself though, and joined him for the movie watching. By then, I could sense the distanceness and cold vibes he was giving off against me. I didn't tried and cuddled with him at all, if you're thinking this. Friends with benefits don't cuddle, so I kept it to myself. I did noticed how he would keep his leg touching against my leg, but when I would playfully poke him in the arm, he would hiss, "What?" in an almost mean and careless way, and I would pull back and say, "Nothing..."

 

He took me home and that was the last time I heard from him, and it's been a week now. I'm too scared to text him because I didn't want to appear annoying or anything, but I'm missing him as a friend terribly. I don't know why he keeps playing with all these head games while we were friends with benefits, playing hot and cold, push and pull, and never knowing what I should say. I do give off vibes that I was happy with this arrangement, but when I do, it's like... He gets a bit offended or backs off before coming back and being all flirty/sexual/needy of me again. So, I ask all of you lovelies out there this... What in the world is this guy's problem?!? Have I done something wrong? Is it him or me? Is he having major issues that has nothing to do with us?

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to read all of this, and again, I'm sorry for the length and crudeness of all of it. See ya!

[kimflute26]

Wow that was quite a story! It was entertaining too, if I might add . But seriously.. It's pretty clear that things are going nowhere with this guy. Sounds like you guys had some fun for a while, but the most you'd ever get out of him is an on again/off again friends with benefits sort of thing. And i'm thinking it will get more frustrating for you as time goes on! You seem to be pretty chilled out about the whole situation for the most part, so why not just make a clean break from this guy now before it goes further? My guess is that maybe you wont hear for him for a little bit, then he'll randomly want to meet up with you when you're not expecting it, and this cycle will continue. I don't think he's your friend either, so forget about "missing him as a friend." He wants you for the sex.... you just gotta decide if you're ok with that.

[Awesome Username]

It's not a friends with benefits anymore because you're getting feelings for him. He's probably seeing someone else and not telling her about it, and feeling like a dirtball for playing you both and can't even go through with sex because of it.

 

It may seem like guys want sex more than anything from a woman, and a lot of the times that's true, but sometimes they just want someone to to know as a fellow human and friend once in a while, without having to perform and be horny all the time. After this experience, you might want to put up more boundaries. The thing about guys in the friends with benefits situation is that they already have the no string sex whenever they want...that have no reason to put more time or heart into the relationship. This is why FWB guys ignore you and treat you however they please until they think you might be with another guy. It makes sense, right?

 

He'll be there to kill your game when you find another guy too; I guarantee it.

[jbear]

It's not a friends with benefits anymore because you're getting feelings for him. He's probably seeing someone else and not telling her about it, and feeling like a dirtball for playing you both and can't even go through with sex because of it.

 

It may seem like guys want sex more than anything from a woman, and a lot of the times that's true, but sometimes they just want someone to to know as a fellow human and friend once in a while, without having to perform and be horny all the time. After this experience, you might want to put up more boundaries. The thing about guys in the friends with benefits situation is that they already have the no string sex whenever they want...that have no reason to put more time or heart into the relationship. This is why FWB guys ignore you and treat you however they please until they think you might be with another guy. It makes sense, right?

 

He'll be there to kill your game when you find another guy too; I guarantee it.

 

See, the last time he was dating another girl, he told me about her straight up and I respected it. That still didn't stop him from flirting with me hardcore, though...

 

Even if so, if he was like all the other guys that tend to ignore girls after having sex with them, then he should have ignored me a long time ago. We had sex on 4 different occasions- The last one being a week ago. This is what is confusing me the most...

 

He is a nice guy. He's not the kind to be mean to girls who has had sexual experiences, and he likes to be nice to his ex girlfriends, so I don't know what's up with him now...

[tristar4biggy]

With what you've said i will advice you to be very careful with this guy cos he his playing mind games with you and manipulating you. You have to thread with care else this guy will run you down emotionally.

[batinhell66]

I've read the uberlong story just now, in one go! Have you ever thought that maybe all those times he's had sex with you, he actually did cum?

 

Maybe he came too fast all those times and made up some bull**** problem to cover it up, and then got pissed at himself.

 

Just a suggestion, but it's a possibility.

Edited October 19, 2009 by batinhell66

[jbear]

With what you've said i will advice you to be very careful with this guy cos he his playing mind games with you and manipulating you. You have to thread with care else this guy will run you down emotionally.

 

I know, thank you. I'll try my hardest!

 

I've read the uberlong story just now, in one go! Have you ever thought that maybe all those times he's had sex with you, he actually did cum?

 

Maybe he came too fast all those times and made up some bull**** problem to cover it up, and then got pissed at himself.

 

Just a suggestion, but it's a possibility.

 

You know, now that you've mentioned it... All the times we had sex they were pretty short, and I think he did came too fast/early in all of them! I don't know, though...

[O'Malley]

See, the last time he was dating another girl, he told me about her straight up and I respected it. That still didn't stop him from flirting with me hardcore, though...

 

Did this girl actually tell you she knew about your flirting or is this what your friend led you to believe? It's more probable that her feelings were similar to your ex's.

 

He is a nice guy

 

He's nice when he wants something from you; unfortunately he has your head and heart in a thrall. He sees you as the type of person who a) would make out with someone else while you were in a relationship, b) would flirt and give him attention while he was in a relationship. Not to mention the fact that anytime he beckons to you, you come running back for more of the same shoddy treatment.

 

You've said you're fine with this fwb, but obviously you'd be much more pleased if there actual intimacy developing on this guy's side of the equation. He's made the deliberate choice to toss you a bone here and there, and unfortunately that's all you can ever expect of him. Accept it or break it off completely (which means no contact, no texts, nothing.)

[Jada]

From what you've told us he could have erectile problems meaning he may have issues with having to maintain an erection or he could be coming fast, this is something that quite a few guys have as in problems, I'd hit him up about it and ask him if that's the reason why he's blowing hot and cold.

 

When guys have one or the other issue it presents problems with how they feel about themselves and sex it'self, it's quite common to have anxiety or depression because of this.

 

All in all he doesn't sound like a great FWB, but it's up to you if you want to continue the relationship as I don't know how you feel or are doing in this situation.