steveb Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 I thought things were going a little better. We are both seeing councelors for depression. We were talking about spending more time together without the kids, like a trip to Cancun or Tampa or something. Something exiting to do together. Will I was looking at expedia.com for trip for the week of the 15th of December last night. I showed her the info at lunch. She sounded like she still wanted to go, but commented how it was too much money. We tabled it and decided to discuss other things to do soon. (We have yet to go to the Detroit Casinos) Then..... At about 3 she called and told me that the place she got her bariatric surgery done wants here in their commercial and she may have to go to LA on the 15th. I thought great, we will both go to LA, and expressed that to her. She said, maybe she should go alone. If only I could read her mind. Did she say we would work on things to apease me? Does she want out, but still doesn't want to hurt my feelings or is not stable enough to be on her own yet and is using me now? Am I reading to much into this? Am I trying to hard to try and fix us? ???????????????? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 unfortunately steve thier really isnt an easy answer..... and only time will tell when she'll be ready to actually open up to you fully.... sounds to me like she maybe holding back for some reason.... i feel awful for you as your on a hellish ride of uncertainties..... if you dont mind me asking what is bariatric surgery? nvm ill surf the net lol good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 They bypass your stomach by changing your intestines. She was much bigger for most of our marriage and I am sure that some of our current issues are from her weight loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 What was the outcome of your freinds marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 they survived but barely...... it seems to be the rage now a days to get bariatric surgery..... anothe rfriend of mine similar as well.. didnt survive hers.... so.... im curious to do a research on this..... Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 steve shes very beautiful....... i can see why you want to hang on to her Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 I had a friend that had the surgery, and now she has had all sorts of problems. She was about 325 to start off, and now she's about 180. It worked well for her and her self-esteem has definetly been boosted because of the surgery. So for that I am very happy. But I am always sad to see her getting sick often. She had to get her gallbladder removed after she had the surgery, and has had oher problems after it that she didn't have before. But for some people, to lose that much weight, its worth it. Lost, did your friend pass because of complications right after the surgery? Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 OH no we were taling about her marriage, sorry i sent him a PM.... as i wasnt sure if he was wanting to discuss it on the thread.... but her marriage did not survive..... shes now remarried..... to someone else... however that one is rocky too.... it just seems like to me alot of married women when they have that surgery its like they go wild or something.... i just dont know im very curious to see if its common for men or women to go wild after they have had the surgery..... not that steves wife has gone wild..... but it almost seems like a coincidence and im curious if its related.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 She did go wild, and I wanted to keep her even before the surgery. I just do not think that I can compete with the kidless guys at the bar who can do whatever they want whenever they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 OH my gosh! Slap me for not seeing clearly. So sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 She is a very beautiful woman Steve...I don't even think extra pounds would matter. While someone is trying to patch back a relationship, the LAST thing they want to hear is that they need to back off and let time be the deciding factor if the relationship is "fixable". As long as you drive yourself insane trying to read into every little thing they say or do to give you hope....you aren't going to be able to look at it objectively. If she asked for space....it's because she NEEDED space to keep from choking. If you continue to plan things, talk to her all the time, call, share how bad you feel, make her feel guilty.....all you are doing is driving her away. If I tell a guy I need space....what I'm saying is....if you continue to call me all the time...I'm going to quit answering the phone because the annoyance I'm feeling is far surpassing the warm fuzzy feeling I may have had once. Try NOT calling for a few days and by ALL means don't plan a trip together at this time. Then, she may actually have the chance to realize she misses having you in her life. I don't mean this harsh. GAWD knows I have no room to talk. LOL! I can just really tell you love your wife and want to make this marriage work. I don't think that will happen unless you adhere to her wishes. Keep posting while you are going thru this...we will do our best to fill up some of the lonely times. I know it's hard....VERY HARD.....to stay away from someone you love. In the end though....it's the better option. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 oh dont be sorry caddy...... old age hits when ya least expect it jk Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Lost - You should know with your senior citizens discount and all Steve, I say hang in there. Give her the space that she wants for now. If you don't you may end up pushing her away more, and you certainly don't want that! Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 Lost - You should know with your senior citizens discount and all eesh dont i know it!!!!!! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 We are still living together. I do not have the cash flow for either one of us to move out temporarily. Sometimes I think this would be easier not seeing her every day. But on the other hand, with the fun she is having, I do not see that she will "long" for me if we are apart. (unless she has the kids, then she will "long" for for me to watch them) I still do not see giving her space as the fix. (I understand the concept) I have to compete with these other guys actively or lose. I agree that I need to not be "whiney" and "hurt" in front of her and that I need to go out more. (while she has the kids and can't also go out) I think going on dates is the only way to prove that I can meet some of her unmet needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Originally posted by steveb I think going on dates is the only way to prove that I can meet some of her unmet needs. I'm not sure I understand what you mean by that statement Steveb. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 Dates with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 I figure that I shoud try to be distant from day to day, but still date her at least once a week. She has mentioned that we no longer have our "spark". I do not think we can get it back if I am 100% distant. Opinions?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 I felt worse when I came out of my first couseling visit. I assume it is because I was just bouncing from topic to topic reliving it all. No analysis nor resolution, but it was the first visit. He says he doesn't think I need any medication, but might change his mind later. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 steve hold your head up high and my heart does go to you..... its awful when you feel your trying everything you can and you just want her to snapo back into the way it was when you were happy and stuff...... im thinking she does need time and maybe just being a good friend to her for now is what she may need..... until she realizes what she is missing there is really nothing you can do about it but just hope for the best...... good luck to you steve and please keep me posted..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author steveb Posted December 18, 2003 Author Share Posted December 18, 2003 Well, She went to California for the commercial. I decided that she "should" go without me, even though things have gotten 1000% better between us. She just called me to tell me that she arrived, and told me that she [color=red]misses me [/color]and [color=red]wishes I was there[/color]. I will not see her again until I pick her up on Monday night from the airport. I think that this small break is good, especially because we are not fighting nor angry anymore. I also did some romantic things for the trip. I text messaged her phone while she was on the plane so she would get it when she got off. I hid a "missing you" poetic greeting card in her suitcase. (wich got on the wrong plane and she will not get for 3 more hours) I had flowers sent to her room. (which she should get in about an hour) Link to post Share on other sites
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