Relationships and religion

[Girlie]

I need some advice on dating someone of a different religion. My boyfriend and I come from different religious backgrounds. So far, it hasn't been a problem. He's not really practicing at the present time, and neither am I. However, I have done some research on his religion, and to be honest, I don't like it. I don't want to say what it is, because I don't want to insult anyone. But I didn't like what I read and researched. To be honest, I thought they seriously strayed from the Bible and it was a bit disconserting to me. Is anyone else out there dealing with a relationship with someone from a very different religious background? Would love some advice on how to deal with it. I'd like to approach the subject, but I realize that, even though neither of us are currently practicing, the beliefs we do have our very dear to us. I want to approach the subject sensitively, but am not sure how. Any advice or experiences would be appreciated.

[steveb]

My Opinion:

 

If neither of you are practicing, then you are not have different religions.

Do not let what his parents made him do affect your decisions.

 

Do his (his, not his religion's) morals align with yours?

Does he intend to begin practicing that religion or a differnt one soon?

[quankanne]

I wouldn't worry so much about the differences in religion if there aren't problems because of your differing belief systems. While there are a lot of people who refuse to date outside their own religion (or ethnic background, or age group, or even geographical area), you'll most often find people from differing backgrounds attracted to each other. What makes a relationship work is if the two have compatible moral backgrounds (i.e., both feel the same about things like loyalty and trust, marriage, kids, work ethics, etc.). Religion is an important component, but it's not very often you find someone who is at the exact same spot in their faith journey as you, so there's going to be a lot of learning that both parties experience.

 

Realistically speaking, I think two people in a relationship -- any relationship -- help guide each other on that faith journey, whether they're of the same faith or of differing beliefs. Case in point: I'm married to a heathen. Well, he's not really practicing the faith he was raised in, and it's been an interesting ride, to say the least, because while I'm not the best of church-goers, I feel that because my faith is somewhat solid, I can set certain examples for him. And he for me ...

 

And I think that if someone is not practicing the faith they've grown up in, they're searching for something that better reflects their beliefs. If you ask him how he feels about certain issues, you're going to find what his belief system is.

[HokeyReligions]

Sometimes the religious teachings of youth creep into behaviors and attitudes even if neither if practicing. If you two marry and have children someday this may rear it's head if you each want your children to have the same religious training that you had as children. It is important to discuss this.

 

Without being demeaning to his religion, and if you relationship is progressing toward a permanent one, then it is important to sit down and talk about things. Just keep in mind that you don't want to say ANYTHING negative about his faith. you can question how it influences his decisions and even talk about if you had kids someday. Ask questions and if you don't agree with something just tell him that you are not comfortable with whatever aspect you don't like and tell him that you understand he may not be comfortable with certain aspects of your faith.

 

You can compare notes and the reasons why neither of you practice your religions -- there may be things he doesn't like about his own religion. You may even want to consider searching out like beliefs and trying some new churches together to find one that will fit both of your needs and beliefs. You could also talk to your own ministers and to a minister of his church and he could talk to a minister of your church and explain your concerns. They may be able to help you with your concerns.

 

Find the things in common first, then discuss the things that you don't have in common with respect and without claiming either of you is "right" or "wrong" because that will put the other on the defensive.

 

My jewish friend married a christian. They taught their children both beliefs and means of worship and even though their own parents/families have problems with this, the kids seem fine with all of it. The parents have explained that there are different beliefs and why and the kids made up their own minds as to which way they would worship. As it turned out, the son became christian like the father and the daughter jewish like the mother!

[Caddy]

If you're not really into your religion, and he's not into his, then what's the big deal? Even if you don't agree with everything that is practiced in his religion, you never know, he may not agree with everything in yours.

 

The best way to deal with it? Talk about it with him. Be honest about your thoughts and feelings, and hopefully he will be the same with you.

[jenny]

what didn't you like about his religion?

 

if you want this to work out, it will definitely help to approach his belief system with an open mind. i'm sure you would want him to learn about your religion without judging it.

 

now, i'm a total geek, but why not spend an evening teaching one another about each system of beliefs, without judgement or attempts to convert? just the history, important people, and basic tenets - presented like the history channel might. since neither of you are ardent followers, it will be easy to teach and learn objectively.

 

i'm a huge fan of educational dates! :o i've learned a ton about protestants, wiccans, and atheists this way!

[Girlie]

I guess I should have clarified on the not actively involved part. When I say that, I mean that neither of us are actively involved with our church or anything like that. Neither of us have abadoned our belief system, so to speak. We're just both at a point where we don't feel like being involved in church itself right now.

Anyhow, thanks for all the suggestions. I'm a fan of the educational date myself, and I think we're both open-minded enough that we can discuss this without getting emotional or anything (at least that's what I'm hoping). I respect him and his beliefs and would never want to insult him...I just don't necessarily agree with all of his beliefs. I just want to be able to talk to him without stepping on his toes. I guess if I go with, as some suggested, asking him to tell me more in kind of an educational way, I can at least find out what he does and doesn't subscribe to without turning it into some kind of emotionally charged conversation.

[mintjulep]

I am dating a Jewish guy, and having grown up in a strictly Roman Catholic background, I thought this was going to be a problem. He isn't practicing, and religion isn't important to him, but my father has a philosophy (that I'm still waiting to see proved ) that a person becomes more religious with age. Both he and my mother were, funnily enough, raised in strict Catholic environments, and I ended up being the one who dragged them to church when I was in high school. I was in the choir, and had found a family in them that I loved, especially when we were on our crusades against the system. When I started reading up on Judaism, I found a religion that completely meshed with my beliefs in a way that Catholicism never did. Everything that was unsettling about the Catholic Church was addressed in a way that made me feel more comfortable with Judaism. I'm converting next year. When we first started discussing religion, I think that the biggest problem would have been if we had gotten married and had children and then wondered what to do next, before actually addressing these issues in a serious way. He told me once that he would have a big problem telling his children that he didn't believe that Jesus was the Messiah, so he didn't think he could marry a practicing Christian. So even though he isn't involved in a temple, he is still pretty rigid in his religious upbringing, if only in that he won't consider the possibility of raising his children in any religion but the one in which he grew up or none at all. I think it's important to discuss these things so that you don't end up with confused children, or worse, terrible fights after you've married someone with a different religious background. You said that you researched his religion and you weren't so lucky as I was. You didn't like it, but you didn't mention whether or not he researched yours. Is it a big religious difference? Whether the answer is yes or no, I have a few suggestions for you that I've seen work:

 

My ex-boyfriend's father grew up Catholic and his mother grew up Presbyterian, or something like that. They raised their children in a Methodist Church. They found the "lesser of two evils" and decided that Methodism meshed his Catholic beliefs and her Protestant beliefs perfectly, and it worked well for them.

 

I also have a friend whose mother is Catholic and whose father is Jewish. According to Judaism, she isn't Jewish, so her mother raised her in the Catholic Church. She has friends who this has worked for perfectly, and I have Jewish friends who have half-Jewish friends whose mothers are not Jewish. They grew up knowing about both faiths, and sometimes even practice both, but usually only superficially. Plus, they'll always be "half-Jewish", but some of them are practicing Christians. This has screwed up my friend, though, so this method is not infallible, but it can work beautifully (as HokeyReligions pointed out)

 

I also know people who have converted simply to keep harmony. This, in my opinion, is BAD NEWS. However, I've seen it work in that it keeps harmony in the family, and if that's more important to you (not you, per say, but the person in question), then by all means, keep harmony - it works if religious difference has never been a real issue. It looks like this wouldn't work for you because you say that the religious discussion could become emotionally charged. I know what you mean. The discussions my boyfriend and I had before I learned about Judaism were the worst. Probably mostly because I had a pretty closed minded attitude about it (I actually told his mother once that there was "No way I would ever consider converting.", lol.). I'm not saying that you are closed minded, because keep in mind that these emotionally charged discussions happened before I researched his religion, so you are one step ahead of that.

 

I would say just continue to talk to him about this when it feels right, and not when you're feeling particularly emotional. Educational dates are a good idea, but when you next discuss it, you need to find out why he's so set in his religion. "Because I grew up like that" is not a good excuse, unless he's willing to keep an open mind about the way you grew up. When I was adamant about being Catholic because that's how I grew up, my boyfriend didn't listen to me. Once I started becoming excited about my research on Judaism, and talking about it like this light inside of me had been lit, he told me to be careful, and that he wanted to learn about my religion before I made any decisions, because the fact that I had expressed interest was more interesting to him than my being adamant about my religion without any knowledge of his. Maybe you can open up with things about his religion, and ask him questions. Then you can even gauge how one- or two-sided the discussion is.

 

Hope this long-winded message helps.