Confused about actual reasons people have for breaking up and the one in my case

[Butterfly1]

I know many of the people on this board are still grieving over their last relationship. My question is, were there problems or reasons for the breakup.

I have dated guys from 3 months to 2 years - Some of the guys I broke up with and some broke up with me but I always understood WHY we weren't right for each other. Alot of of the time it was incompatabilities, loss of chemistry, going in different directions, wanting different things in life or timing. I mean to say there were REASONS that maybe one couldn't come to admit or believe that we could work despite these differences but nonetheless there were issues.

 

The reason why I ask you this is that someone recently broke up with me after 4 months. We had been very serious. He called me everyday, met my family, took me away on weekends. He had just gotten out of a relationship. I move away for 7 months and when I come back he breaks up with me. He told me at first it was timing and that he was confused because his ex (who he broke up with) had been contacting him....But now he tells me that he broke up with me because "he could not feel the connection" and had been figuring it out and that he didn't think he could develop strong feelings for me (when I thought he had strong feelings based off his behavior)

 

It does not make sense to me. He told me that there was chemistry between us, that he is still attracted to me, that he likes me a lot and always had a good time with me but just doesn't "feel it" and could not give me a reason why becuase he said he doesn't know why. He knows I felt very strongly about him. What was missing that he could not feel? Thats what I don't understand. How could he feel so strongly for so long and then two weeks later said that he didn't have those feelings?

[Butterfly1]

To clarify something from my last post. I moved away for 7 months to finish grad school. I came back to visit him the first time after 2 weeks when this all happenned.

[bark]

I move away for 7 months and when I come back he breaks up with me.

 

You gave us the probable answer. Often, especially in new relationships with young people, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Without thinking of it, your bf probably considered you "GU," which means geographically undesirable.

 

My best guess is that when you were out of sight, you gradually went out of his mind (and heart).

[Arabess]

I agree with Bark.

[Butterfly1]

No, it wasn't 7 months that I was gone. It was 2 weeks when I saw him the first time! He knew that I could come back and see him almost every weekend. Plus I have a three week break every 10 weeks until June. It wasn't that long.

[sarah12]

You gave us the probable answer. Often, especially in new relationships with young people, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Without thinking of it, your bf probably considered you "GU," which means geographically undesirable.

 

I don't agree with this in butterfly's case. I believe the break up would have happened regardless b/c the issue with the ex. Also, he knew butterfly was coming back after she finishes her studies.

 

Also, not all young people go through this "GU" that you speak of. Of all the friends I know who have been through long distance relationships where the person was going to be back at some point in time, myself included, it wasn't the distance that broke us up, there were other reasons. For me, in fact, the distance was a good thing b/c it made us miss each other a lot more and also, we were able to focus on our own lives where we were.

[dlb311]

I was the one that broke things off. I was dating this guy for 3 months. I really really liked him. We weren't to serious but I hung out with his family and had dinenr with them every week. I spend alot of time with him. I liked him and he liked me. He had planned a trip to Brazil way before our relationship started. So for a whole month he was gone. I drove him to the airport and watched him get on that plane.

 

He asked me if we could continue this relationship when he came back . I said jokingly if your lucky. I was kidding. I had not dout that I would want to continue dating him. While he was gone he e-mailed me once in a while. He mailed me post cards. And I missed him. I found that I had a wondering eye. I met a new guy and dated him for a couple weeks. I decided that I had to end it with the other guy when he came back from Brazil. So I did. To this day I wish I hadn't because he was the best guy I have met in my whole life. He wasn't the hotest guy but he has a great personality and I loved being around him. I didn't care what anyone else thought. And yet a month of distance made that all change. I know now that he deserved more. I am a good catch and a great girl. I am not consided I just have good self asteem. But if I hadn't been so retarded thenthings might have been way different. But time and distance can change things. I am happy and not upset that I have to go on. I just know that its something I learned from.

 

I think that you should just let him know how you feel. And then move on. Tell him how much you care and how much you feel there is something. In time he will realize what he wants if he hasn't already. But he needs to know where you stand. And then he can decide and sometimes it take people time to figure out what the lost.

 

Good Luck

[Butterfly1]

Yes, when I saw him last week and he told me that he just cared about me as a "friend" now and that he broke up with me becuase "he just didn't feel it", I started to pour my heart out how I cared so much. I guess his attempt of empathizing with me was brining up a girl he had dated several years ago and how he cared so much and she just didn't. Before our dinner I just believed it was timing, his ex, the distnace, where he was in life that broke us up...not that I wasn't right for him when he acted to sure that i was for months before.

 

Can someone change their mind about this? I mean in time can he come to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't right for him or that we didn't have a connection but that he just didn't want one? I don't know why I am having such a hard time coming to grips with this. Its just that in all my past relationships there were reasons why the break up occurred not just one person deciding he could never love the other.

[superman]

This is in response to what dlb311 said. I have been on the same side Butterfly1 is on. Every relationship has ended in the same way. I am always a "great guy" and they know that they will never find someone that will treat them as good as I did. But if they realize this why are they doing what they are doing. I have recently started talking with my first serious girlfriend again. We don't talk about getting back together or anything like that but I have found out a lot about what went wrong. And that is NOTHING. She admits that I was the perfect boyfriend. She was young and stupid and wanted to pursue other things. I can respect that but it still hurts. The girl I am currently in love with told me the same thing we she left me. She claimed that we weren't "clicking". Well why not give me a chance to make it "click" again. I was sure I could make it happen. I know she was still in love with me and she even said she thinks she might not be making the right decision. But she does it anyway. I don't get it. I am afraid that going through this again is going to make me a bitter person that will not be able to give someone and honest chance again. I am so afraid of being hurt. I have given two women all I have and made them feel like princesses only to be dropped for no reason. My biggest fear is that when my ex-girlfriend does realize how good she had it, she will not contact me to work things out. Instead she will look at it as a learning experience. My first love did but it was too late.

[sarah12]

I don't know why I am having such a hard time coming to grips with this. Its just that in all my past relationships there were reasons why the break up occurred not just one person deciding he could never love the other.

butterly, I feel the same way. I don't understand it either why I am having such a hard time - it was 1.5 months for goodness' sakes!! It bothers me that the situation bothers me soo much.

 

There is always a reason. I mean, you don't just break up for no reason. I had a guy do that to me once..break up for no reason and then a week later tells me he was afraid of committing. He put me through so much pain when I didn't know the reason but I later understood because we both just started at different schools that were far from each other. He asked for me back a year later but I said no.

 

butterly - I really wish I could help you more. I really think you and I are the same way in that we just can't let something go without knowing the why's/how's/what happened so that everything can be rationalized and reasoned. I mean, sometimes I really wish I could just shoot the analytical side out of my brain because thinking about all this stresses me out way too much!

[dlb311]

I just got your replies.

 

I know its hard to understand why and how to let go.

When I broke things off with the guy who went to brazil it was for different reasons at the time. But now that years have past. I know that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship I was to immature or I wouldn't have handled things that way. Anyway I think that the person who has left is being selfish and when they say they want to be "friends" to me that is the most selfish thing someone could say when breaking up with someone. You know you want them but you are selfish and you want it your way.

 

I just broke up with my guy we were together for two years he says he isn't ready for a that serious of a realtionship. He was planning on moving in with me. The truth is I wasn't ready either but we were so worried about hurting each others feelings we tried to just go with our plans. He got so scared and broke things. OFF now he says he needs his time. Well I am moving on. I want him back but he will come back when I have let him go I am sure and if not then maybe its meant to be. Everyday is a struggle I wake up and I think of him. I make a cup of coffe I think of him. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. But I know its his lose and one day he will wake up and see that.

 

When we broke up he told me he will regret it but wasn't sure what else to do. He probably felt trapped. Like if he didn't move in it would be over. Which wasn't the case but sometimes when you don't talk you assume and that makes an ass out of me and you. Anyway just try to take one day at a time.

 

They probably left because they were immature like someone posted earlier they guy broke up with them because he said he wasn't ready for that serious of a relationship and a year later came back. Saying no is the hard part. I am glad you where over it. That means it wasn't meant to be.

 

Well good luck to all.

[Butterfly1]

But don't you think after two years of dating you would know by now if the person you were with was the right person. If you have doubts after two years, then perhaps there was something wrong or maybe it was timing...or maybe as you said that person just needs time to realize what he has lost (or you have lost) I always think that with each breakup in my life, they will get easier as I get used to get over someone but they just seem to be getting harder and harder and I don't want to be building wals around me.

 

I thought before he told me that he "just couldn't feel it" that it was his maturity, timing, his ex, where he was in life, the distance...etc. But being told, "no, its not just that, its really just you" - destroys me becuase I thought we had sucha great connection and was led to believe that he really cared based off the time he commited to spending with me and how happy he appeared when he was with me. He even admits that he 'might have misled me'. How can I ever be secure in a relationship that I think is going well when a guy can just turn around one day and say "sorry, i just don't feel like i oculd love you and i don't have a reason why."

[dlb311]

After two years you are right you should know. And I did and still know that I would be very very happy with that man and if I married him. He told me within the first year of us being together I was the girl for him and he was going to marry me. But sometimes when you are in love you get caught up in the emotion and you forget about the real world. We aren't that young he is 24 and I am 22 but we stil have time. These days people wait to marry in their 30's. Anyway he got scared decided he wasn't ready to move in with me. Like I said before I wasn't ready to move in with him either.

 

Anyway about how you felt so right and he tells you its you! First he is jerk for trying to place the blame on you that it didn't work. Its him. he is immature he isn't ready or maybe you weren't the one. You say you were together for a few months. And then it was over. Relationship most start out great fun and you can't get enough. And sometimes it can die and slowly just fade that means you weren't compatable. I knows it hard to see because you say that you were compatiable. But maybe he didn't. And that just means you deserve better and you will find better.

 

Let it out cry yell, go through the emotions and then move on. I promise you will find some better. Someone who will want to be with you longer then a couple months.

[Butterfly1]

Well first regarding your story, you are both young and what happenned is completely understandable. If it makes you feel better a very good friend of mine met this guy her spring break of her senior year in college. they dated for almost a year and he wanted her to move in with him. She wasn't sure and could not make that step and broke up with him. they tried getting back together but he was so hurt over it, that he eventually broke up with her in a horrible fight. One year later he started contacting her again (they had both moved to different cities) and one weekend she flew out to see him and they got back together. Two years later they got married. I am in my late 20s and I have many friends that met their Mr. Right at 20 or 21 and a lot of them went through a breakup once or twice because one of them wasn't sure. What I am saying is, is if its mean to be, it will work out in the end. You just need to give it time and just move on. It might be a week, it might be a month or maybe even a few years but if whatever you had was real, he will come back.

 

I better start taking my own advice on this. If I am so sure that we were right, then he should come to realize that too. I wish I could say or look back on the time we dated and say we wernt incompatible but we had so much in common and liked doing all the same things, it was freaky. I know four months isn't forever or that very long of time but the amount of time I spent with him, I just felt like I was closer to him then I was with another boyfriend of mine that I dated two years. Anyway, his actions were immature and I just got to hope that what really broke us up was him not being ready and not me not being right for him.

[dlb311]

Thanks for the story it made me feel better.

 

I know what we had was real and maybe time is all we need and maybe not.

 

Anyway about your situation I think he may have gotten scared. You are right we just have to keep living our lives and if the relationship was anything special like we feel they will realize it. I can't really say what he thinks for feels. I am just giving you adice I have heard from others about these situations.

 

Just remember those feelings and if in time someone can replace those then its time to move on other wise just live and be happy and when he realizes the loss he has made he will try to come back.

 

I think forgiveness and real forgiveness were you let it go. You understand that they are human and they can make mistakes you can move past it and it will make you a better and stronger couple because of it. Most of the guys I have dated in the past 4 years have been guys that I have dated before when I was yound in my teens and they come back to try again as we are older. That was how it was with my love. We dated twice before just casually. Nothing serious and we just kept running into each other and this time we fell in love. I have never been so happy then when I was with him. I could see me life in his eyes. I could see me washing dishes with him as I am 80 and he 82. I can see it and I can smell it. But I will live my life because a minute waisted is to much time. I have to love life and let it just do its thing. Good luck and again thanks for the story.

 

I truely love him.

[superman]

I hear what both of you are saying. But my biggest fear is that the girl I love will settle for less. She has a hard time admitting that she is wrong. In this case I know she is wrong. I am not going to go so far as to say that we are the only ones for on another. In all honesty I don't know if I believe that there is only one person for someone. But I do know that what we had was very special. That needs to grow. We were supposed to be working on building a future together. Now we are both trying to live for ourselves. I can't stand it. Having someone there for me drives me. When it is her it makes me try harder. Not having her there has set me back. I have lost motivation. I am affraid that she is going to find herself in another relationship and just settle for it because it is there. I don't like the saying if it was meant to be it will happen. I really think it is misleading. It makes you think that all you have to do is sit back and everything will take care of itself. Look at your example. Someone had to get on the plane and make the effort to give it another chance. I did nothing wrong in my relationship but yet I want a second chance. I love this girl more than anything.

[Butterfly1]

Well, in my example both people had to be willing to give it a second chance. They could not get back together if someone to fly out to see the other person (on an invite too) I have another friend whose boyfriend just broke up with her becuase they were fighting all the time. For three months, she did not contact him at all to discuss what happenned and then (after three months) he called her and they were able to work it out and get back together. Some relationships do just need time.

 

Unfortunatley, TIMING is also crucial in relationships. YOu are right in that it is misleading to say if its meant to be it will work out - because both people need to be available and there is more then one person out there to make someone happy. Suppose my ex realizes in a few months that he made a mistake with me and then meets someone else he is compatible with and starts dating her. Yes, it would totally unfair to me but so is the game of love.

 

I don't know how long you dated this girl who broke up with you becuase she dind't think you were "clicking". Once again, I wish people would just clarify on what that means. You live in the same area? Well if she misses you and the timing is right, she will come back.

[superman]

I hear ya with the Clicking thing. Would you ever walk out on a friend if things weren't clicking? Hell no. You go to them and say what the hell is going on? That is all I wanted. I honestly feel like if she were to ever come to me and say something is not right we could have talked and got to the bottom of it. Everything would have been fine. I don't live in the same area as her. We are about 2 1/2 hours away from each other. I have thought about moving up there. Not only would I be closer to her but there are more opportunities for me. But nothing is concrete. I asked her a couple times if she would see me if I moved up there. The first time she answered, "We will deal with that if it happens." The other time she said, "Don't move up here and expect us to get back together." While that would not be the only reason I would move I really would like to have her around if I did move.

[Butterfly1]

She obviosly has her own reasons and it would be nice of her to let you know what was going on. As I have learned through my experience, you are better off not asking her why and what she meant. Just move on. Don't contact her. Feelings change all the time and maybe thats what she needs. I see no reason why you can't contact her every couple of months to see how things are but that would be about it. It totally sucks but now its really up to her to figure out what was going or if you were right for each other.

 

People want what they can't have. Just be busy and don't make her a priority. Don't move for her - only if you really want to for other reasons. 2 1/2 hours is not that far. I was a 2 hour plane ride away!

[dlb311]

I agree that it sucks that our loves could find someone else. That is why I try to let them know how much he means to me. I let him know after amonth of being apart that I couldn't imagine life without him so if he ever figures out he wanted me in his life to never hestaite even if I am living with someone. Not that I would run to him. But I could decide then.

 

I think that time can do two things. in some situations it can make that person realize what they lost and go get it. Or it can make that person realize what they lost and say lesson learned. Distance and time makes the heart grow founder in some cases and it can be out of sigh out of mind. I think it just depends.

 

You are right it takes two people to work things out. That is why he would have to want me back and I would have to decide if it was right in my life to try again. I would get on that plane. I would do whatever it took as long as he was willing to give 100 percent as well as I.

 

Time will tell. I give him space and time as well as little reminders that I still love him. That way he is reminded every once in awhile of me after not hearing from me or seeing me. I went a month and a half with out seeing him and he showed up at my gym. He said I hoped I would see you here. I go to the gym every night after work and that was the first time I saw him. He missed me he new I would be there.

 

My fear is he was to scared to work things out that he ran and if he realizes what we had will he be strong enought to try to work things out? That is my fear.

 

Love love love that is what I have to count on is that our love was strong enough. I know it was.

 

I just have to live my life and have fun. If he never comes back I will find some one else just like he would.

[Butterfly1]

Regarding lessons learned, if I looked back on a relationship and realized that I had made a mistake and that I still cared about the person, I would make that call. I would only say "lesson learned" if there was no way I could ever reach that person or if I knew that person didn't want me in their life. Sort of similar, I had a very good friend of mine just stop talking to me out of nowhere a few years ago. She was angry at me for something but just chose to ignore me. I was confused as to what I had done and why she gave up on our friendship. TWO years later I receive an email from her apologizing for what she did and admitting that she realized that the problem had something to do with her and her own issues then the petty things she thought she was angry at. I just believe that if someone realizes they made a mistake or if they miss someone, they would contact them....They would have nothing to lose.

 

dlb311, I would just stay strong and be happy when you see him. Don't let him know how much he has hurt you. If he sees you happy and strong he will be reminded of the person he fell in love with. He is young and immature and if its not him, there will be others. I think you said you are 22 (?) - -There is so much ahead of you. I have been dating for 12 years (I am 28) and I would say the last 5 years I have had so many great experiences. Yes, some of them have ended in heartbreak but I have been able to learn more about myself and how I want to be treated and what I look for in someone else. I have also changed a lot and you will too.

[sarah12]

butterly1 - you give me some hope for the future but it seems like such a long and strenuous way to find some happiness in a relationship. When I was younger, I thought that by the time I hit university, people would mature and would be able to work through relationships maturely. I guess this is just the beginning of the learning process, judging by the number of threads on here and the ages of the members!

 

I also thought that by this age, my personality and who I am would be fully developed. I mean, I didn't think that people would change too much in terms of attitudes, values, morals, standards, etc. Maybe I was wrong.

[Butterfly1]

Well, I am only speaking from my personal experience. When I was in college I always dated the athletes and the people that went out and had a good time. I think a lot of the guys in my college werent ready to settle down yet and we also looking to just date and have fun. I don't think my morals or values have changed since then but I know I have grown up over the past 6 years in knowing who I am and what I am looking for. I knew I was independent in college but I learned how to live on my own in the real world. How to stand up for myself or to other people. By dating different people I have been able to learn more about myself (if that makes sense). People bring out different aspects of your personality and I guess I learned what aspects I like. I know when I really connect with someone, and what I will and will not tolerate in a relationship. I think I have a lot more security and confidence in myself as well.

 

I used to be that girl who would go out to all hours and always be out for a good time. Now I am bit more grounded and would rather not be out til 3 am. While I still like dating former college athletes (bad habit), I am more of looking for someone thats down to earth, hard working and having all the stuff you mentioned below.

 

Think about who you were when you were 16 and how much has changed. You might be the same person with hte same values but I am sure how you approach life is different.

[superman]

As a former college athlete I resent that. We are not all bad.

[Butterfly1]

I meant its just sometimes a plus when you meet someone that down to earth and hardworking that also happens to be a former college athlete. You never grow too old of liking jocks!