We've reached the end of our journey

[Ariadne]

However, he has never PLAYED SWEET Ariadne. There has been no "show". If that is what had been going on how easy would it be to continue the act?

 

I think he just listened to you and played the therapist.

 

It was not so hard to do because he knew how to cheer you up, the communications were random, and he just had to talk with an accent and say some things to get you laughing.

 

I'm sure he got to appreciate you with all those talks, but I think he probably saw it as a job.

 

Now that he has to close the deal and make your dream come true of being together and he moving to America, he doesn't want anything to do.

 

I hope I'm wrong and he is just scared, and sorry about this happening.

[Island Girl]

I think he just listened to you and played the therapist.

 

It was not so hard to do because he knew how to cheer you up, the communications were random, and he just had to talk with an accent and say some things to get you laughing.

 

Ariadne -- our conversations weren't random. You forget we LIVED TOGETHER here and had a foundation before he ever left. He was very much a part of everything here - all of my friends know him. Even extended members of my family have met him and my brother knows him well.

 

I'm sure he got to appreciate you with all those talks, but I think he probably saw it as a job.

 

This isn't the type of communication you are used to Ariadne.

 

I wasn't e-mailing him a questionnaire and waiting for him to answer when he got to it.

I actually have been WITH him in person - we got married in a ceremony HE planned with his entire family in attendance.

It was actually the first event his mother and father BOTH attended since their divorce 14 years prior. All involved knew this was a big deal to him and us.

It always has been a full relationship from both sides.

 

Over the years it has been the same between us -- until these last few weeks. While everyone knows something is very wrong with him - he isn't talking to any one.

Yet he is around certain relatives so much more now but just silent. It is confusing to all but more so to me because he normally does share everything with me. So while they are used to him not opening up it isn't as striking to them. I am just told of their worry over him because he has grown "dark".

 

Now that he has to close the deal and make your dream come true of being together and he moving to America, he doesn't want anything to do.

 

I hope I'm wrong and he is just scared, and sorry about this happening.

 

I don't think fear of coming here (where he lived for 11 years previously) is any part of it.

Whatever is going through his head he isn't scared to come here.

 

I know that ISN'T it. But there are still a lot of things it could be. I just wish I could narrow it down further.

Or he'd snap out of it in some way.

[Ariadne]

he is around certain relatives so much more now but just silent. It is confusing to all but more so to me because he normally does share everything with me.

 

My apologies then.

 

I hope all can be worked out and end happily.

[nittanylion]

Just my 2 cents,

 

I think he feels frustration and hopelessness in his homeland's situation, and Plus the pressures with all the paperwork coming over to the US. He has no one to turn to for help, and he thinks you cant help him cause you are far away. He is under alot of stress now. It had reached a boiling point for him and he took it out on you. Although, its unfair of him to take it out on you but i dont think he did it to hurt you intentionly, more like pressure relief(at wrong time). I am sure he has sincere regrets, and appologies to you many times,and asked for forgiveness.

 

You have a come a long ways with him. Please dont give up. I have faith in you to work it out. Communication is key, and i urge you to do more with him. I want to you to finish where you start from. Its not too late.

Edited October 25, 2009 by nittanylion

[Star Gazer]

I understand what you've written, but please bear with me while I pull for you guys anyways.

 

Me too.

 

I don't know how I missed this thread, IG.

 

I'm still hoping for a happy ending.

 

(((IG)))

[silverfish]

I was really sorry to hear about your problems. I read through this post, and although I don't know the history, I just wondered whether any of my experience struck a chord.

 

My ex and I broke up because (I think) I made him feel inadequate. I didn't do this intentionally, but it was my endless, well meaning energy. I like helping people, and doing practical stuff to help people out.

 

I would do this with my ex, and still try to sometimes. I know he hates it, because it makes him feel like a child. His mother died recently, and I went to her funeral with out children. My ex organised the whole thing, and he was a different person. I saw how he is when he's not with me, and I was ashamed that I never gave him the chance to show this side of himself with me.

 

Maybe the depression over his situation, combined with your practical tireless cheerfullness and hard work, has just made him snap and behave irrationally. It's a shame that you can't speak face to face because it's more than likely that you'd work it out clearly if you did, one way or another.

 

I hope you get your answers

[LonelyTiger]

(((Island Girl))) I am so, so sorry!

 

I rarely visit LS these days, since my LDR marriage ended, but now and again I check in to find out how my old LS friends are doing. Seeing this thread I just had to respond.

 

This is a very sad ending to a very romantic story, but it is your story IG and you get to decide the ending. Nobody else. If this is the right thing for you then stick with it and stay strong. You have always been so strong for others and now it is time to look after yourself.

 

Whatever has happened I know that it must have been very serious for you to make this decision and I wish you all the best in whatever direction the future takes you.

 

I know there will be many on LS that have had their faith in LDRs badly shaken by this sad story and I am sure you must have hesitated to post it for that very reason. There are probably also the LDR non believers who are gloating and thinking 'I told you so'! (Although I see that none of them have been brave enough to come forward and publicly air their thoughts!)

 

IG, if you don't mind me hijacking this thread a little I would just like to say something to both of those groups of people.

 

All relationships require a great deal of effort, whether LDR or not. Life is not perfect and even the most beautiful romances don't always play out the way we hope or expect.

 

Seven years is a very long time to be separated from the person you love and it's possible that, had the paperwork come through last year, the ending to this story would have been very different. It's possible, but it was never guaranteed. No relationship, however special, is guaranteed to last forever. I learnt that the hard way.

 

Loving another human being is the most amazing thing that we can experience in this life. We all hope that when we find somebody special it will be forever. To anybody out there who is still in a happy LDR, keep going and stay strong. If you have an LDR partner that you believe is worth fighting for, then keep fighting. Whether it works out and for how long is up to the two of you.

 

This sad ending is Island Girl's ending, nobody elses.

 

Big hugs Island Girl.

 

You must have learnt so much from the past seven years. Take what you have learnt and move on. As far as I'm concerned you are still the LDR expert. You have amazing courage, strength and tenacity and I have always admired you. How many other people would have hung in there for so long?

[Els]

IG,

 

How are you doing?

 

Hope you're feeling better. Have been thinking about you the past few days.

[Island Girl]

IG,

 

How are you doing?

 

Hope you're feeling better. Have been thinking about you the past few days.

 

I have been avoiding this thread and the LDR forum in general.

 

It is just harder when I have to think about any of it.

 

I love him. He loves me but he very much has gone to a dark place where nothing is possible and he can't fight his way out - or seem to want to.

 

And in all actuality - there is no going back and unsaying what has been said. Not just in fights but calmly reiterated as well DAYS later.

 

I haven't spoken with him since the yo-yo conversation. He has called but hasn't left a message and his calls have some suspicious timing considering all that has been discussed.

 

I listened to that song "If you see him/If you see her" (country song and a lot rang true. A major part hurts but a very large part is angry about what has been done and so carelessly...

 

Because of the LDR thing I have gotten REALLY good at is compartmentalizing. So my emotions now are separate and I choose to deal with them at times and then not at times.

Similar to how I could separate the missing him and still go to work and be successful, etc.

 

I just don't know. There is so much to reconcile. *shakes head*

 

But thank you Els for thinking of me. And the rest of you that are as well. Thank you...

[Rollercoasterr]

Sweetie one day you're going to have to stop compartmentalizing your life. This is more than just separating your LDR from your life here in the states. This IS your life. This time you just need to cry if you want to cry. All day long. But until you get all of this out of you you're not going to be at the point to where you can heal and forgive or heal and forget.

 

I've been trying to catch you online, but I haven't been able to so far. You know I'm here, sista.

[Island Girl]

Sweetie one day you're going to have to stop compartmentalizing your life. This is more than just separating your LDR from your life here in the states. This IS your life. This time you just need to cry if you want to cry. All day long. But until you get all of this out of you you're not going to be at the point to where you can heal and forgive or heal and forget.

 

The emotions that I feel right now are mostly all about anger and a level of betrayal to us and our commitment to each other.

 

It cuts deep and my response to hurt is it is easily translated into anger. Sad I know. But I just can't shake being so incredibly angry that I can't even think of speaking with him or hearing his voice.

 

The only tears have come twice for a split second each - and then I really think - not feel - and it goes away - the anger returns. And I don't want to even speak to him for this whole MESS.

 

I've been trying to catch you online, but I haven't been able to so far. You know I'm here, sista.

 

Thank you very much RC. Really thank you so much.

[Rollercoasterr]

I understand your anger. Really I do. I'm as hot-headed as they come. I go from hurt to fighting mad in .02 seconds flat. I hate to say it but a lot of the problems in my relationship come from Mathew not telling me that he's upset because he's afraid I'll get mad. And he hates my anger. It's not a good way to live, and no matter how I try to change, it's who I am. I just try and control it better.

[threebyfate]

I've only got ((hugs)) for you IG beyond that I'm thinking about you and concerned.

[Mei Mei]

I have been avoiding this thread and the LDR forum in general.

 

It is just harder when I have to think about any of it.

 

I love him. He loves me but he very much has gone to a dark place where nothing is possible and he can't fight his way out - or seem to want to.

 

And in all actuality - there is no going back and unsaying what has been said. Not just in fights but calmly reiterated as well DAYS later.

 

I haven't spoken with him since the yo-yo conversation. He has called but hasn't left a message and his calls have some suspicious timing considering all that has been discussed.

 

I listened to that song "If you see him/If you see her" (country song and a lot rang true. A major part hurts but a very large part is angry about what has been done and so carelessly...

 

Because of the LDR thing I have gotten REALLY good at is compartmentalizing. So my emotions now are separate and I choose to deal with them at times and then not at times.

Similar to how I could separate the missing him and still go to work and be successful, etc.

 

I just don't know. There is so much to reconcile. *shakes head*

 

 

 

I understand the pain that you are going through. I am always there to send my blessing and support!

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Maggs]

I guess I'm the opposite of you IG and RC. Even when my fiance and I argue...I still want us to talk it through and all I want is to be together to work it out and give each other hugs to make things happier again.

 

I hope eventually something works out for you IG--positively of course! In whatever way is positive for you and your husband. I'm thinking of you everyday. Take care *hugs*

[Rollercoasterr]

I guess I'm the opposite of you IG and RC. Even when my fiance and I argue...I still want us to talk it through and all I want is to be together to work it out and give each other hugs to make things happier again.

 

I hope eventually something works out for you IG--positively of course! In whatever way is positive for you and your husband. I'm thinking of you everyday. Take care *hugs*

 

 

When Mathew and I fight I usually just want to strangle his little lights out. He probably wants to do the same to me though.

 

IG, we love you!!!!

[Island Girl]

Thank you so very much. Seeing the posts really lets me know I am not alone and that helps tremendously.

 

It is so very apparent now that I am not dealing with the same man I have known.

Examples are glaring.

I was really not aware that it HAS been going on as long as it has. But upon reflection I can see things a bit more clearly.

 

He has been making attempts to contact. They are few and every so often.

This is a drastic difference than it ever would have been before as was pointed out by a family member there.

People there have been noticing a change for a while but didn't understand how much of a change or how that change had any effect on us.

 

As I said, I am angry for sure. But it isn't the same anger as I experience when I am infuriated by him. This is a quiet anger.

 

I don't want to scream at him - and I would have before. His betrayal of our relationship is far reaching, multifaceted, and permanent.

 

What's more is that he doesn't even seem to understand what has been done. He has NO CONCEPT of his revelation's impact on me or our relationship AT ALL.

The attempts are purely from a selfish stand point and there is no acknowledgment AT ALL of me anywhere in this. There is no acknowledgment of "us" and how what he said threw all of that under the bus.

 

The man I loved that loved me would be camped out at his cousin's house where there is a computer - waiting for the chance to talk to me and begging them to try to make that happen.

He would be accountable and thoughtful about ME and what is happening on my side of things.

(BTW this hit me when it was put out there by his cousin with the computer - who reminded me that in situations far less dire - he did exactly this a couple of times.)

 

Two of my friends here locally reminded me how he would call and track me down at their houses and has before.

 

The importance to him about US or ME is just not there.

He has concern and is sorry -- but for himself only.

 

That simply doesn't cut it for me. With no acknowledgment of hurt or wrongdoing in ANY way I just can not buy into his half-hearted apologies for how he is feeling or what HE wants or needs.

 

Our relationship has always been putting the other or thinking of the other first. I'm thinking about him and his needs, etc. He is thinking about me and my needs etc. We express our needs to each other...but in that equation no one is left out.

 

It seems I have been thinking of him and he has been thinking about him (for quite some time) and no one has been thinking about me. So now it is my job to do so.

 

I can not and will not take on MORE responsibility to fix this. I have BEEN the support in every way for him. He was my support emotionally. That was the only thing he had to do was care for our relationship, and me, emotionally.

I haven't been too emotionally "needy" with the turn of events this year.

The interview just that trip etc. paid for and done took a huge weight off my shoulders.

 

When he began disengaging I have no idea. But as I said I can look back now and see things probably haven't been the same for a while but I didn't notice because I wasn't asking for much from him. I know he was still asking much of me. I just got lost in the shuffle.

 

It makes me sad. The whole situation does. And I miss him - the HIM I knew that is. Maybe that guy will surface again someday. I have no idea.

I hope so just because he is truly a remarkable man when he is in that self.

I know I won't be around to see it but I still hope for it. I love that man.

 

The man he is now is someone I am unfamiliar with. I know of him from the stories of how he was before he met me. This is how he is when he doesn't care about others. He has a singular motivation for anything and that is himself - his wants - his needs - his feelings.

 

This is a person I would not speak to let alone date. This is not who I married at all. The resemblance to my husband is physical only.

 

He threw our relationship to the wolves. He betrayed me.

I will never believe that he could not do this again - even if we did manage to get through. My trust in him is irreparably broken.

 

It has been said by more than one person who knows me that he forgot who he married. I think they are right. He forgot and began letting go at the same time is my guess.

[Els]

{{{{IG}}}}

 

I'm so sorry to hear this.

 

You're right, people change. I'm terrified about that in my current relationship as well. Sometimes it isn't really their fault, they're just reacting poorly to horrible circumstances - but regardless, no one party should bear the brunt of all that while the other party wallows in their own personal misery.

 

I'm still hoping that he'll come to his senses, IG, but as you've decided to move on, I can only tell you that we're all here for you. The way you were here for us so many times in the past.

 

Be strong!

[Maggs]

IG--after all the strain between trying to move to be together, his health issues and now the tragedies in his country. I'm more and more starting to think that he could be clinically depressed! Not depressed in the ho-hum, having a down day kind of depressed. I mean depressed as in needs a psychiatrist/counselling/meds!

 

You say his family and friends notice he's changed (red flag #1) and you say he doesn't seem to be making much effort to think about YOU and how YOU feel in all of this (red flag #2) and he's slacking on the contact with you (red flag #3).

 

I don't think he's being an arse by choice...I just think he can't think of anything else at the moment because he's so far gone, he can't bring himself back up on his own anymore! He's overwhelmed with everything and when you're like this, you sometimes need outside help to lift you back up again.

 

If by some miraculous event, he comes around and all of a sudden acts exactly like your old husband used to--can you still forgive him? If you can't even then, then I guess that's your answer!

 

And he probably isn't hunting you down, trying to contact you as much as before because he's trying to give you a wide berth knowing how upset you are!

 

Take care *hugs*

[Mei Mei]

IG, if your husband is indeed suffering from depression, you may need to adjust your perception of the issue a little. Don't you think so? If he is really ill, he is very self indulged and self-pitied seemingly as if only he is the only victim. There is really the need for some treatement and phased recovery until then you will see the end of the tunnel.

 

I really hope IG you will not be burning yourself by deep anger, but to cherish yourself since his issue is not seen clearly in the short run.

 

yes, we are always there for you, and is willing to do any supporting work!

 

Always take care!

 

((((( IG))))))

[singlemama]

i am new here and your story is the first one i read. i feel so sad on what happened, its like your a marathon runner thats nearly reaching the end,only to be told that they have move the finish line further..

i understand how your partner feels too because i,myself is currently in a LDR.

7 years of being so far away from each other is really hard, when my SO told

me he cant come home next year i was like "gawd kill me". i dont understand why u cant be together after a long time of separation. cant u go and see him?

[TMichaels]

Island Girl,

 

Just wondering how you are. (?)

 

I can understand if you don't feel much like posting or hanging out here much given the circumstances, but if you feel up to it, please pop in and let us know how you are doing...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Els]

I echo this. Hope you're doing alright, IG.

[carvidep]

You're in my thoughts, too IG. *hugs*

[Island Girl]

Hi you guys.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts. It is touching that people are thinking about me and I appreciate you all more than you know.

 

There have been a few more conversations with the same results every time. In fact it is basically the same conversation over and over again.

 

The space from contact and these occasional communications have opened my eyes to a lot of things. Mostly that I lost myself in the process and forgot about my needs for some time now. On my side there has been much to take care of for him and for us. I didn't realize there is a whole other part of this and that is ME.

My needs have really gone by the wayside for quite sometime.

 

Surprising to say the least but true.

 

Over the last few months I really started getting myself back in a lot of ways. I began training again and getting my body back in shape. I have been eating healthier, etc.

This happened before all of the relationship stuff went on.

I really believe it is what has helped me take this in stride. I had been looking outward with blinders on for a long, long time. Once I started thinking about what I needed to do for myself I found so much of what had been lost. It is hard to explain and maybe it would have made a difference if I hadn't excused so many things away - I don't know.

 

But I am here now. At this point with these results. Yes it is over. He and I both accept that now. There may be bitterness on his side - but there really isn't much on mine. I love who we were together when he was who he was with me - when he loved me as before. It was easy to love him because he loved me so much and he was so different because of that than he is now. Again that may not make sense. It just is and the people I am close to there speak of the same thing.

 

All who know me and have known me for years have remarked that I have become "me" again in the last few weeks. The process of acceptance and letting go has been good for me. It's all part of the journey.

 

So much of my life has been on hold for these seven years that I refuse to keep the pause button pushed and mourn or grieve.

Instead I delight and rejoice in what was and what I have seen, known, felt, etc. I am only the better for it.

This relationship taught me so much myself and real communication with another. I have gotten so much out of it there can be no regrets.

 

Each day just brings me to the next chapter which I will embrace. There will be love again in my life. Perhaps bigger and better than I can imagine.

I will let it unfold as it will and I am open to the possibilities.

 

I have never understood anyone who says they will not put themselves out there again or there will never be another. Of course there will.

I had many years of a beautiful love. It was fantastic living it and I have such wonderful memories and knowledge of what life can be with someone.

Time is on my side.

 

There may be those of you out there who can't understand my outlook and may even think that it could not have been love or so meaningful if I can be as I am now about it. But the denial of self, hurt, discouragement, etc. happened already - it was just that I was still IN it while it was happening to me. Those feelings were there and I was affected deeply.

With us the end quickly became a beginning instead.

 

The lessons learned through the years have helped me make amends to others as well. I am very grateful for that too.

 

I haven't been here much lately it's true. I think so much has been going on within that I just can't focus outward yet. I will again and soon I'm sure. For a while it may just depend on the day.

 

I appreciate each of you so much and different things in different posts have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much.

 

Even now seeing that people are thinking of me and caring means so much. You all can have no idea. So hugs to you ALL - I am awestruck by the genuine kindness in all of you.

 

I'm here still - in time more often -- hey it could be tomorrow or next week!

 

IG