Interracial AP

[allhopelost]

My WW of 19+ years was in a three month interracial affair with a SBM. I am interested if anybody has been in the same situation I have found myself in and if so, was it, it your opinion, harder to deal with or do you feel that the betrayal hurt the same?

I am also interested in hearing from any BS if this would have had any significant meaning if applied to your situation.

Thank you.

[Lizzie60]

I'm not sure I understand your question... Are you racist?

 

I have been involved in a few As with Black, Indian MMs.. I don't see why that would be any different.. than a white male..

[boldjack]

IMO, the race of your wife's AP is not your biggest issue. You should be concentrating on her behavior, not worrying about racial stereotypes.

[bentnotbroken]

Do you mean that you are more hurt because the screw buddy is a different race than you. So you mean your emotional pain would be less if the person was of the same ethnicity? Lizzie is right, you sound racist.

[imagine]

The black male is supposed to be better endowed. Did she do it for the sex or was it an EA first off?

[boldjack]

Imagine, this is what I mean about racial stereotypes.

[howcouldInotknow]

Are you trying to say her affair was some kind of fetish? Most women do not cheat for sex so i doubt the affair was strictly sexual. Sorry

[allhopelost]

First of all, the intent of this question was not to throw around accusations of me being being racist. I assure you I am not. I do feel that it is a dynamic that "most" people who have been betrayed in this situation find themselves looking at in their search for answers to the motives of their WS and can be just as valid of a talking point as whether or not he/she was tall, good looking, thin, etc.

Keep in mind I am less than three weeks post D DAy and searching for meaning in this whole mess...

[boldjack]

AHL, ALL of the answers you seek , your wife has. If she will not come clean to you, how do you expect your marriage to be rebuilt? Instead of posting here, you should be demanding answers from her. Not asking, DEMANDING!!

[Church Bells]

AHL, ALL of the answers you seek , your wife has. If she will not come clean to you, how do you expect your marriage to be rebuilt? Instead of posting here, you should be demanding answers from her. Not asking, DEMANDING!!

 

I agree ... its time for you to MAN UP and show some RESPECT for YOURSELF.

 

Only YOU can answer the question you've asked ... each of us have different tolerance levels about what we can deal with successfully.

 

However, to answer your question, since you are seeking input from other BH's ... your situation would define a "deal breaker" for me as I would have to completely compromise my beliefs to attempt reconcilliation.

[bentnotbroken]

The black male is supposed to be better endowed. Did she do it for the sex or was it an EA first off?

 

 

Bull nonsense. Stereotype! NOT fact.

[silktricks]

other than the racial stereotype stuff that this is being cast on...

 

I probably would have had a somewhat more difficult time, because I would think he wanted someone that was very different from who I am... and different from anything I could be.

 

But I would have felt the same if he had an affair with someone who was very tall, or extraordinarily fat, or rakishly thin - or possibly worst of all - a man.

 

Because no matter how much I want to believe that it's the inside that counts - it's the outside that gets the attention. I believe I would have felt even worse (if possible) if the AP would have looked drastically different from me.

[sally4sara]

Black men don't automatically have bigger penises. Geez!

Skin color can be changed; light skinned and dark skinned people can choose to tan darker or bleach lighter.

 

I'm not sure how any ethnicity's commonalities make anyone WAY different from what any other ethnicity is or could become.

 

Any person a SO/spouse could choose to cheat with would be different from their SO/spouse, otherwise it wouldn't be cheating. Unless they've gone off to the zoo for their strange.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Bull nonsense. Stereotype! NOT fact.

 

If you look back at his original post... you will see that in this particular case... It's fact.

 

However, in general... I don't play with wieners so... I don't know... and don't care.

 

On that note though... How are you an expert?

[allhopelost]

other than the racial stereotype stuff that this is being cast on...

 

I probably would have had a somewhat more difficult time, because I would think he wanted someone that was very different from who I am... and different from anything I could be.

 

But I would have felt the same if he had an affair with someone who was very tall, or extraordinarily fat, or rakishly thin - or possibly worst of all - a man.

 

Because no matter how much I want to believe that it's the inside that counts - it's the outside that gets the attention. I believe I would have felt even worse (if possible) if the AP would have looked drastically different from me.

 

Thank you silktricks for reading into the question as I intended. I to feel that the drastic contrasts between the AP and me have some significance in the dynamics of this affair.

[imagine]

Bull nonsense. Stereotype! NOT fact.

 

Please note: There is a "supposed to be" written in front of "better endowed". From reading the forums some folk really believe the stereotype.

 

Folk, this man is trying to resolve the problem of why she cheated. Good thing. How did this guy meet her emotional need? When she is ready I would ask her!

[bentnotbroken]

If you look back at his original post... you will see that in this particular case... It's fact.

 

However, in general... I don't play with wieners so... I don't know... and don't care.

 

On that note though... How are you an expert?

 

 

No expert, just educated. My life requires a lot of research, and I enjoy that research.

[MistyK]

AHL, is the real problem here that you're getting hung up on something you can't change (dick size)? Obviously one can change their relationship style, be more romantic, etc, but there will always be things the WS finds attractive in the OM/OW that cannot be replicated. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Only your W knows how important that is to her, and she is apparently not telling. For most women, it isn't all that important unless a guy is freakishly small (rare, but it happens).

 

In my case, my xH was simply never going to be able to connect intellectually with me the way MM did. I hadn't realized how important that was to me until I found someone that had it. If I was going to stay in the M that was going to have to be something I would have to accept not having. Were there not other serious issues, maybe I would have stayed.

 

Point being, no two people are exactly alike. Nor should they be. Comparing yourself physically by any measure to the AP does you no good - it's apples to oranges really anyway.

Edited October 19, 2009 by MistyK

[Lizzie60]

Bull nonsense. Stereotype! NOT fact.

 

 

Bent.. sorry.. but this is a fact.. Most black males are well-endowed... this is, IMO, a physical characteristic.. (just like bubble butt, bigger lips)... I have been with many many black males and they were ALL over-average in size..

 

I myself much prefer black males... not necessarily because of the size.. but I find them amazingly sexy..

 

OP.. I don't know your story.. but I very much doubt your W is having an A because the guy is a fantasy of hers.. methink .. there is more to it..

[imagine]

? Instead of posting here, you should be demanding answers from her. Not asking, DEMANDING!!

 

I hear you Boldjack, threats and demands can be negative. These are lovebusters.

 

Act - don't talk. Acting includes exposure, negotiation, snooping, separation until the anger is gone and forgiveness where it is warranted.

[Untouchable_Fire]

No expert, just educated. My life requires a lot of research, and I enjoy that research.

 

 

Bent.. sorry.. but this is a fact.. Most black males are well-endowed... this is, IMO, a physical characteristic.. (just like bubble butt, bigger lips)... I have been with many many black males and they were ALL over-average in size..

I myself much prefer black males... not necessarily because of the size.. but I find them amazingly sexy..

OP.. I don't know your story.. but I very much doubt your W is having an A because the guy is a fantasy of hers.. methink .. there is more to it..

 

And your theory is?

 

AHL, is the real problem here that you're getting hung up on something you can't change (dick size)? Obviously one can change their relationship style, be more romantic, etc, but there will always be things the WS finds attractive in the OM/OW that cannot be replicated. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. Only your W knows how important that is to her, and she is apparently not telling. For most women, it isn't all that important unless a guy is freakishly small (rare, but it happens).

 

Misty, Your approach is messed up.

 

You will never be happy if you chop people up into their parts and judge them. You either accept a man as a whole... and as he is... or you don't.

 

If a woman told me she liked everything about me except my feet... I would tell her to get the F*** out... relationship over.

 

You can't compartmentalize people, it's screwed up and will make sure your never happy.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

for an all to typically expected response.....

 

Bent.. sorry.. but this is a fact.. Most black males are well-endowed... this is, IMO, a physical characteristic.. (just like bubble butt, bigger lips)... I have been with many many black males and they were ALL over-average in size..

 

I myself much prefer black males... not necessarily because of the size.. but I find them amazingly sexy..

 

OP.. I don't know your story.. but I very much doubt your W is having an A because the guy is a fantasy of hers.. methink .. there is more to it..

[Church Bells]

I hear you Boldjack, threats and demands can be negative. These are lovebusters.

 

Act - don't talk. Acting includes exposure, negotiation, snooping, separation until the anger is gone and forgiveness where it is warranted.

 

Sorry Imagine ... but I think boldjack has the right approach.

 

Your approach appears to be straight from the Marriage Builders playbook, which is much more beneficial in increases counselling fees and book sales for the Harley's, than helping BH's deal with their WW's.

 

The lack of strength and confidence (along with a WW) is what got AHL in this situation and a strong, confident approach will serve him much better in dealing with the fallout from her interracial A in their rural community.

[Dexter Morgan]

My WW of 19+ years was in a three month interracial affair with a SBM. I am interested if anybody has been in the same situation I have found myself in and if so, was it, it your opinion, harder to deal with or do you feel that the betrayal hurt the same?

I am also interested in hearing from any BS if this would have had any significant meaning if applied to your situation.

Thank you.

 

nope...a slut is a slut no matter who she becomes an adulteress with.

 

but if it did matter, whether to you or her, then divorce her and see if her AP wants her living with him. My guess would be no.

[silktricks]

Thank you silktricks for reading into the question as I intended. I to feel that the drastic contrasts between the AP and me have some significance in the dynamics of this affair.

 

Whether or not the differences between you and the AP had anything to do with the dynamics of the affair is not what I responded to, though. What I responded to was how I would feel about those differences post affair... this is a totally different question than whether or not the affair actually had anything to do with those differences... only your wife can answer that question.