Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 First of all, the intent of this question was not to throw around accusations of me being being racist. I assure you I am not. I do feel that it is a dynamic that "most" people who have been betrayed in this situation find themselves looking at in their search for answers to the motives of their WS and can be just as valid of a talking point as whether or not he/she was tall, good looking, thin, etc. Keep in mind I am less than three weeks post D DAy and searching for meaning in this whole mess... I remember someone in this who was going through something similar said that her husband was with a black female and she isn't racist. But the reason it bothered her is because if he is attracted to black women, then she is something is other woman is not and can't be. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well as a Hispanic man in an interracial marriage, and that had an interracial affair...it does not bother me a bit. My W had an affair with a white man...that part of it doesn't bother me...it's the affair part. I would say OP, that if it is bothering you more because he is not white then maybe that has tapped into some deep insecurities. What is it about his race that makes this harder for you? Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 No expert, just educated. Just curious...are you black? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Bent.. sorry.. but this is a fact.. Most black males are well-endowed... this is, IMO, a physical characteristic.. (just like bubble butt, bigger lips)... I have been with many many black males and they were ALL over-average in size.. I myself much prefer black males... not necessarily because of the size.. but I find them amazingly sexy.. OP.. I don't know your story.. but I very much doubt your W is having an A because the guy is a fantasy of hers.. methink .. there is more to it.. Lizzie, I am a black woman who has only been with black men. I had an "interesting adolescence" not only is it not statistically true, it was true in the individual circumstances that I dealt with. It wasn't a couple of guy either. They didn't have bubble lips(neither do I) or big butts. Take a look at any sport that you see a number of black men and you will see azzes come on all sizes and shapes just as penises do. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 To the OP I apologize if I misread your intent and for thread jacking. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I have never seen a black person with a flat ass. Maybe they do exist, but it's very rare. I think it's fascinating how anyone can make blanket statements like this about an entire race of people. Very open-minded. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Lizzie, I am a black woman who has only been with black men. I had an "interesting adolescence" not only is it not statistically true, it was true in the individual circumstances that I dealt with. It wasn't a couple of guy either. They didn't have bubble lips(neither do I) or big butts. Take a look at any sport that you see a number of black men and you will see azzes come on all sizes and shapes just as penises do. This should have been "it wasn't" true. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I think it's fascinating how anyone can make blanket statements like this about an entire race of people. Very open-minded. I completely agree. I find it sad and it diminishes the hope that people at some point won't feel the need to generalize. Link to post Share on other sites
itmustbeme Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 My WW of 19+ years was in a three month interracial affair with a SBM. I am interested if anybody has been in the same situation I have found myself in and if so, was it, it your opinion, harder to deal with or do you feel that the betrayal hurt the same? I am also interested in hearing from any BS if this would have had any significant meaning if applied to your situation. Thank you. Sorry for what you are going through. This did not happen to me but it did happen to a friend of mine. He met and married a white woman who had a child that was half african american. He was white and it did not bother him at all. He loved her and was very happy. He was a great father to the child also. The problem came later when I found out he was getting divorced. You see he was a great guy. He was good looking and had a great job and made good money. But his wife started cheating on him and yes it was an interracial affair. She got pregnant from her affair and he did divorce her. He told me that he thought "she just likes screwing him." She gave up everything just for that. So you have to ask yourself what kind of woman do you have and is it worth it. I would tell you in my opinion you should run for the hills. If you wife is off boffing other men they really are not worth having. My buddy went thru hell. I am pretty sure it will happen again. Because even though she may stop now there will come a time where she will feel you are not meeting her needs so she can do it again. And she will probably think that the last time she cheated you took her back so there is really no down side to cheating again. Just my opinion but do what you need too. Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 ~looks at thread rolls eyes and walks out~ This im not gonna even bother bc what i will say will cause me to get in trouble. I cant believe people still think sterotypes are true Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhopelost Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 To all those that posted honestly, I thank you. I would be lying if I didn't admit to that little bit of jealousy that I am feeling. Fortunately for us, and for what it's worth, my WW has expressed nothing but total and complete remorse for her behavior, and has done everything I've asked and more to help me understand where she was emotionally during and predating the A. I feel like I have ignited a topic that has the potential for rampant stereotyping and nonconstructive blabber, and for those that have been sincere and thought about my question and answered honestly and without interjecting racism, I apologize for putting you all through this. I had sincerely hoped that the adult in all of us would refrain from the temptation to start blindly throwing darts... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Again, I apologize to you for misreading your intent. If your wife is doing everything you need her to do, then you need to get counseling to deal with your emotions so that you two will have a honest go at recovery. Be blessed. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Then maybe you should have posted in a 'clearer' way... I am not the only one who thought you were racist in your post.. sorry but we don't always read all the story of everyone who starts a thread.. you need to give some background if you don't want people to judge from just the one post.. not sure if I make myself clear.. I'm awfully tired.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhopelost Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Then maybe you should have posted in a 'clearer' way... I am not the only one who thought you were racist in your post.. sorry but we don't always read all the story of everyone who starts a thread.. you need to give some background if you don't want people to judge from just the one post.. not sure if I make myself clear.. I'm awfully tired.. point taken... Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 OP. I commend you for having the courage to post on a topic that would be controversial. And I'm sure that there are probably some other posters on this board who might have the same concerns, whether they be white, black, asian, hispanic or whatever. its the fact that in your mind there was a "difference" with the other man. its the same as if she would have had an affair with someone who was much older or much younger than you. its someone who is different. what if the AP was much wealthier? same sort of circumstances. the fact that her AP was of a different race gives the go ahead for you to compare yourself. this person had something that you didnt. and so no, i dont see the problem with your post. i think with any affair the BS finds themself searching to find what that OP had that was so attractive for their spouse to turn to. my AP was much different than my husband. and i can see my husband feeling jealous and thinking that the reason i strayed was because the OM had something he didnt. youre very justified in your feelings. it just so happens that the "difference" between the two of you is a racial one. would there be all this bashing if he said his wife had an affair with a much skinnier man? dont think so. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 OP. I commend you for having the courage to post on a topic that would be controversial. And I'm sure that there are probably some other posters on this board who might have the same concerns, whether they be white, black, asian, hispanic or whatever. its the fact that in your mind there was a "difference" with the other man. its the same as if she would have had an affair with someone who was much older or much younger than you. its someone who is different. what if the AP was much wealthier? same sort of circumstances. the fact that her AP was of a different race gives the go ahead for you to compare yourself. this person had something that you didnt. and so no, i dont see the problem with your post. i think with any affair the BS finds themself searching to find what that OP had that was so attractive for their spouse to turn to. my AP was much different than my husband. and i can see my husband feeling jealous and thinking that the reason i strayed was because the OM had something he didnt. youre very justified in your feelings. it just so happens that the "difference" between the two of you is a racial one. would there be all this bashing if he said his wife had an affair with a much skinnier man? dont think so. Where is all the bashing you are speaking of? Maybe I missed it. And some of us don't compare ourselves to the AP the only thing that she had I didn't was more children and no respect for marriage or families. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 the bashing i was talking about were the comments saying that the OP was racist. thats all i meant. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 bent - what i was trying to say was that if there was a major difference between the BS & the AP that it is normal to feel like you need to compare yourself to them. thats it. and i guess in your situation the only difference was kids and her lack of respect for your marriage. so you wouldnt have anything to feel like she "one up-ed" you on. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 the bashing i was talking about were the comments saying that the OP was racist. thats all i meant. As Lizzie said, his post wasn't clear and it presented as a person who was upset because his wife had an A with a person of another race, not that she betrayed him or that she could have exposed him to STD's. The opinion of him being a racist was based only on that. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Actually, I one upped her. I got rid of a not so great man and she lost a good one. I think I came out on the better end of the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 It does not matter the color we are all gods children.Maybe its that size thing.ha ha Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 hmmm...my BH and I havent even had the size talk yet. OUCH. this could be a touchy subject. (and i think i should add that with all the vivid sex details that AP & I talked about, size was never one of them) Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 hmmm...my BH and I havent even had the size talk yet. OUCH. this could be a touchy subject. (and i think i should add that with all the vivid sex details that AP & I talked about, size was never one of them) I do not envy you THAT talk. *crosses her fingers in hopes that BEG never has to answer THOSE questions* Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 What is that suppose to mean another attack. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 dont think it was an attack. i think she caught on to what i was insinuating with my post. where's the darn blushing smiley face when you need it???? Link to post Share on other sites
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