So complicated... age difference, exes, family... but chemistry and compatibility

[mollie1013]

I've known Michael since he was 11 years old because I was engaged to his cousin, who passed away from cancer.

 

I've always known that he had a school boy crush on me, but now, almost nine years later, that's grown into something more.

 

I've stayed close to my fiance's family and they consider me to be one of them. A couple years after Richard (fiance) died, I started hearing the comments about how Mike and I should date. I always blew them off though not only because of the Richard thing, but because I'm five years older than he is.

 

A couple of weeks ago, our grandfather died. Mike had moved in with him and Grandma to help take care of Poppie because we knew he was dying and they got to have some awesome conversations.

 

One of those conversations involved Poppie basically telling Mike that you have to seize the moment and live. You never know if you'll ever get another chance to say how you feel or do what you want to do so you just have to go for it.

 

Three days ago we were hanging out and he spilled his heart out to me. He said that he has always had a crush on me, but that over the past two years, it's grown into something more. He said some of the sweetest things I've ever heard and he's brought me to tears a few times.

 

I wasn't completely taken aback by this confession because everyone has known how he feels for a long time, but Poppie's death has had a major effect on him and you can just tell that he's grown up more over this. (Not that he wasn't grown up before... he's the most mature 19 year old that I know.)

 

I'm not sure how I feel. I have always found him attractive and we've always had great times together but I've always blown off any feelings I was having because he was under age. Now, he's not under age, he's basically given me his heart and is waiting to see what I'm going to do with it.

 

So what do I do?

 

I love him... there's no doubt about that. And I think I could fall in love with him, but that scares me on many different levels and I find myself just pushing those feelings away like I've had to do for years.

 

1. I would die if I ever hurt him.

 

2. If we started a relationship and anything ever happened, it would make it weird around his family. I adore his family. I am one of them... the little ones only know me as Aunt Carrie and when we're all out together, I'm introduced as the daughter, niece, granddaughter, cousin whatever. I attend all family get-togethers and am expected to not only be at them, but take part in family pictures too. We have such a history together... I would die without that family.

 

3. Sometimes, he reminds me of Richard. They were raised in the same way and not only have many of the same morals and values, but also sense of humor and body language. I don't see Richard when I look at Mike and I don't look at Mike *looking* for Richard, but sometimes, Richard pops out.

 

4. The thing that scares me the most though doesn't really have to do with Mike, per se. It's been six years since Richard died and I haven't really had a serious relationship since. I've dated on and off, but I know that I've built a wall around my heart for fear of getting hurt or losing someone that I care about that much again. I guess I can see Mike and I having a serious relationship... and that scares me. Not just because of the possibilities of what could happen or go wrong, but because there's a very high chance he may be going to Iraq soon. (He's a Marine.) If we start dating and he has to go over there, I will go insane with worry. And I'm not just saying that... it's very likely that the stress from that could send me over the edge because not only will it obviously be stressful, but it will bring back all of the memories and feelings I had watching and waiting and wondering if Richard was going to die.

 

To complicate matters worse, he just recently broke up with his girlfriend of three years. As a friend, I've known that he's been unhappy in that relationship for a long time. He told me on numerous occassions that he wanted out, but he was afraid of hurting her. I know that he didn't break up with her for me, but I fear that it's way too soon for him to be jumping into another relationship.

 

We've basically spent the past three days together constantly, openly discussing all of this, but I'm still confused.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Part of me wants to do what Poppie says and just say "**** everything... let's go for it." But another part of me is scared and worried about what may happen.

 

I refuse to live my life by "what if's" but I can't seem to stop doing that.

 

What if it doesn't work?

 

What if I hurt him?

 

What if it ruins the relationship I have with his family?

 

What if he goes to Iraq and dies?

 

I don't think I could handle losing someone I love like that again...

 

But then I think...

 

What if it's amazing?

 

What if it's fate?

 

What if my relationship with Richard was just a stepping stone to Mike?

 

What if he's the one?

 

He's already an amazing friend and part of me can see us as best friends and more. But then another part of me looks at him sometimes and sees that 11-year-old boy.

 

When he first poured his heart out to me, we agreed that we weren't going to rush into anything. We'd stay friends and just hang out and see where it takes us. We can't seem to get enough of each other though. The past few days, he's hung out at my house until early the next day when I finally make him leave. We haven't kissed or anything like that, but we easily and comfortably end up laying in each other's arms talking and holding hands. (When we first held hands, we did that entwining, barely touching thing and he kept saying, "Wow. Do you feel that? That tingle all over? Wow.")

 

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Oh Mollie,

 

*sniff* That was one of the most touching posts I've read here.

 

Advice:You have two choices --

 

1) Don't go for Michael. Stay in the safe family environment that you love. Don't risk getting hurt again.

2) Open your heart up for new joy. Risk losing or hurting someone you love. Risk awakening memories of pain.

 

As I see it, you care for Michael anyway, whether as a cousin or a lover. Ask yourself, if he went off to Iraq today, and was sadly killed, wouldn't you grieve even if you two weren't in love? Losing any kind of loved one is hard.

 

Shakespeare said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." You know yourself this is true. If you had it all to do again with Richard, would you have stopped yourself from loving him? Would you sacrifice the memories you made with him for a heart that never felt pain? I suspect you wouldn't.

 

Yes, you might lose Mike or hurt Mike. You may even lose his family (which I really doubt, expecially if you conduct and end your relationship with Michael with respect and dignity). But, you know what? You will survive it. Separation (whether by death or choice) is a harsh stabbing pain that can heal with time, but loneliness is a bitter ache that corrupts the heart. I guess you know which choice I'd recommend.

 

Hugs,

 

CG

[lostforwords]

I agree with Poppie..... seize the moment and live!!!!!!!!! Good luck to you and please keep us posted.... this is a love story in the making!!!!!

[moimeme]

Mollie -

 

I have this on my desk; I offer it to you

 

'Twenty years from now,

you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do

than by the ones you did.

 

So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbour.

 

Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream..

 

~ Mark Twain ~

[mollie1013]

Sorry... I tend to make people cry when I tell them my life story. Someday, I'd like to write a book about all of the things I've been through, because Richard is just the tip of the iceburg. (Although a pretty big tip, obviously.)

 

I do care for Michael anyway, and no matter what happens, if he goes to Iraq, it's going to hurt. (Even if he doesn't die... God, don't let him die.)

 

I used to hate that Shakespeare quote. I was bitter for a long time over Richard's death, but there is wisdom in it. I know that I'd go through everything with him again, even if knew what the outcome was going to be. He made me who I am and I learned so much from that experience.

 

And you have no idea what that Mark Twain quote means to me. I crewed on a sailboat in Maine a couple of summers ago and will always consider myself a sailor now. It reminds me of another quote that's similar to it:

 

A ship is safe at the harbor, but that's not where it's meant to be.

 

I'll keep you all posted.

 

Thanks,

Carrie

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by mollie1013

(When we first held hands, we did that entwining, barely touching thing and he kept saying, "Wow. Do you feel that? That tingle all over? Wow.")

 

 

 

Hi Mollie,

 

Did you feel any tingle? The tingle is the heart speaking.

 

The "What If's" is the mind thinking rationally but we all know that love is not rational.

 

 

Follow what your heart tells you.

[moimeme]

I'm glad you like the Twain quote. Here's another one which is equally powerful:

 

A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.

(Spanish proverb)

[Arabess]

A relationship WITHOUT all the things you mentioned carry the same "What if's". If you love someone with all your heart and that love is reciprocated.....it doesn't matter if you share it a few weeks, a few months, a few years or a lifetime. Think of your time with Richard which was cut short because of his death. It was STILL worth it because you loved each other.

 

I understand your concerns with Michael being a Marine. There IS a good possibility that he will be deployed to Iraq or SOMEWHERE. I would think it's even more the reason to seize the moment....and enjoy love in the QUALITY of it's richness.....rather than lament on the possible QUANTITY of time.

 

PLEASE keep us all informed. This is like a wonderfully romantic movie....and we need the ending!!!!

 

Good Luck Sweet Mollie!!!!

 

Arabess