Reconciliation?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Hello there all you beautiful people...

 

Been going out with this great girl for 4 months ( doesn't sound long but significant well to me anyway! )

 

We are in our late 20's , she has had more relationships than me...

 

not hard as I only had 1 long term girlfriend before 4 years ago for 1 year and i have been quite cynical ever since and haven't been looking to explore that avenue much ever since due to the effect that break up had on my mentality and i supposed i was comfortably numb since then

 

we were going fine just until a week or 2 before she dropped the bomb, we are extremely well suited together in most aspects and when you are my age how just someone looks becomes less important than other things like "can she have children" as the relationship progresses although she is extremely beautiful anyway ( trust me all you teenagers this will happen! )

 

anyhow i was invited out by her recently one night where she seemed very melancholic and i noticed this, i was bought a drink then told "look i don't want to do this anymore" , " i don't think i could develop love for you", " i don't think i would want to marry you" , " i don't feel the x factor and its not 100% ", " my career is the most important thing to me" and i'm very sorry...

 

i am devasted and thought very hard and asked her to met me a week later which she agreed...

 

i rationally think i took her for granted a bit and neglected her a bit on reflection at which i explained to her when i met her again and explained how this could have possibly have affected our relationship...

 

she said that most of that probably didn't matter ( I asked for a second chance without the begging ) and only one thing could have possibly helped the relationship which is now irrelevant anyway...

 

basically she said "its not going to happen" nowhatever what i did

 

she has a lot of pressure in her life at this current time which seems evident to me that it is significantly more than she will portray to me

 

she said to me that she doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else and gave me the 'friends' talk which would be difficult

 

the 2 of us never used the 'i love you' routine probably through being in our late 20's and being very careful of using such powerful terminology

 

I told her that i was really becoming close to her especially lately as I want to be honest although lately we haven't spent much time together or slept together and as I said this seems to coincide with the seemingly downward spiral which it has became from being 100% ( she said to me one night that she feels 100% about me and other things which only added to my security )

 

i myself am in extreme despair about us as i supposed i fell in love with her slowly ( as you do from previous experiences ) but i respect her and the current troubles she has and will not hound her whatsoever

 

recently i have had the chance to really help her out which i have done and its not to try and get her back ( although I would like that ) but because i care for her

 

i offered her help for very important things recently and didn't hound her to help her and she contacted me and I was able to do a big favour which should definately make her feel good

 

i don't feel she wanted to have a temporary relationship and i sure never because I never ever do, if i date somebody for more than one week i know that it is worth going to be serious or not

 

what now? i know she likes me but to go from red hot to its over ?

 

I feel like this is the girl for me and my friends all think too judging us and judging us together...

 

i am expecting responses that my head says will happen but don't want to accept them!

 

I would love to have her back... my brain says no chance of that... my heart says yes

 

as i suppose like many others out there we as humans cling to any fleeting glimpse of hope

[Butterfly1]

What is the "x factor"

 

Your situation reminds me a little of mine but I can explain (partly) how women feel and what they mean. I am in my late 20s as well. First, did she tell you before that she did feel strongly about you? If so, after how long? You dated for four months - during that time, how serious was it? Was is serious for a month and then started to fade.

 

Ussually and I only speaking on my part and my friends part, a woman either feels the connection or she doesn't. And she can ussually tell you that after a few dates. If she DID feel a connection with you, then that connection should stay for awhile. (either it gets serious or she sees incompatibilities -- and you would know too what the problems were as long as you were committed). If she DOESN"T feel the connection sometimes she will still date the guy hoping that those feelings develop. After a certain amount of time (a few months) when those feelings aren't coming, she decides to end the relationship as she knows it can't go to the next step.

 

Why do you think this woman is so right for you? What has your dating life been before her?

 

I had been pretty serious with a guy (called me everyday, told me how much he cared, spent all our free time together) and he broke up with me out of nowhere and I posted a question below. Can someone change their mind so fast?

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Hello Butterfly1 and thank you for replying

 

the most my girlfriend ever said about feeling for me was that she really liked me but her eyes said more than that, as I said both of us were reserved about saying or scaring each other

 

so it gradually became more serious over the 4 months and she suggested going on holiday just around a month ago at which i went on a holiday with my family, came back, she was sick then had a bad menstrual period all over 2 - 3 weeks in sucession which didn't do us much good

 

just 5 days before she made that terrifying announcement we were lying in bed and she explained how she had no libido and said how that worried her although she was very tired

 

we used to miss each other if we spent more than 2 days without contact, i loved her coming into my house with that beaming smile, it felt wonderful

 

we gave each other our own space too to have our own lives and get important stuff done

 

both of us admitted that we felt more for each other as I knew her late father very well and as he was a great character I always talked about him she was crying the first time i talked about him as she said no-one else did

 

she basically said that she doesn't feel the connection you are talking about and i agree that a woman could tell after a few dates as I would be able to tell or even after one date

 

surely anyone wouldn't need 4 months to know whether or not i was right for her and why would she date me for that amount of time hoping to develop feeling?

 

she talked about how things were really looking up for her through meeting me and getting a good job etc.

 

she never thought we were incompatible , i suggested possible incompatibilites when i had a heart to heart to her 5 days ago and she said that wasn't the case but some of them may have helped

 

i feel this girl is right for me because shes everything a man wants at my age, shes beautiful, intelligent, is confident and ambitious, comes from a good family and i suppose I was slowly falling in love with her

 

my dating life before is that i had a girlfriend of 2 months at 20 years old, a girlfriend of 1 year when i was 24, i have had probably 100's of one nighters but that doesn't necessarily mean sex...

 

i know what i like in a girl and I really thought my whole world had started again as the last time I was really badly devasted which lapsed into depression

 

i am in a bad state now and I am actually surprised at the effect it is having on me as I thought after the last time I became stronger

 

i don't know what i am going to do, this is really affecting my day to day life and i hate to wake up in the morning as i am just where i am before going to bed at night

[Butterfly1]

Well, this is what I can say. If she felt a strong connection to you like you felt for her, then those feelings should not dissappear over night. Its so rare these days (I feel) to meet someone you REALLY click with. (at least for me it is) that when you do, its not something that you wake up one day and say "No, its not there"..You need reasons and I don't blame you for being confused. Believe me, I am just as well because something sort of similar just happpenned to me.

 

I have talked it over with my girlfriends and we all say you either feel it or you dont. Some admitted to dating the guys longer to see if they came later on and when they didn't, ended it...but most of the time, if its there, its there.

 

If you are confident that this girl really felt it with you, then I think eventually she will realize this and come back. Perhaps it could have been her job or other issues in her life thats preventing her from going forward with you ,making her doubt if you are right for her. This may sound counterintuititive but don't be so available to her - people want what they can't have. If she sees that you are moving she will realize what she is losing. If you are waiting around for her, you will only push her away (she will think I can hurt this guy and he is still here...let me look around to see what else is out there) Perhaps also she is a commitment phoebe (I have been reading a lot about them) Most of them are male but they can be female where they freak themselves out at the thought of being with one person after it gets to a point. What is her relationship history?

 

So, I would just focus on you and moving on with your life. There is nothing you can do about getting her back but move on and hope she changes her mind. And she will change her mind if there really was a strong connection.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

It is indeed rare to meet someone you really click with Butterfly1, this maybe explains my low count of long term relationships and the fact that i will only consider someone like this

 

It seems to me the best marriages/relationships are when people suit each other and have quite similiar tastes although often people grow on you and you get interested in what they do

 

she says too many relationships aren't like that and that she doesn't want to be the same hence why she says why she doesn't think she would want to eventually marry me

 

it is true that you say something just is there and the next it isn't

 

So some of your friends dated guys for 4 months or longer to see whether something special was going to happen?

 

I cannot say I am 100% confident she felt 100% for me and she said she felt less than 100% for me while dumping me although before she told me that she was completely happy with us together just before i went on holiday

 

a friend of mine told me to tell her that i am fine and just to see what happens, he got back together with his girlfriend after a year due to her being in a different country and they ended it while she was away

 

this is hard to pretend to her that i am fine because of the way i really am and i always want to be honest

 

so you are right Butterfly1 about waiting and pushing her away, I know what i have to do but it is soooo hard at this moment

 

as for a commitment ( phobia? ) I am not sure but perhaps...

 

I don't know about all her relationships but she lived with a guy for 3 years who when things didn't go right he turned pyscho and stalked her etc. she also had another traumatic experience with him which probably ended them , i don't know how long ago this was but i would say it was about 2 - 3 years ago

 

she also dated another guy one time for a period of time which i don't know but it was before the previous guy i just talked about

 

i think there may have been more but not very long

 

you are right Butterfly1 there is nothing i can do to get her back now but at the back of my mind i'd love to see her opening the door one day and walking in with that beautiful smile but its probably not going to happen is it?

 

I am currently doing her a favour right now as she is in another country and she is due to phone me shortly so i'll just try and have a laugh with her even to try and cheer myself up

[Butterfly1]

I don't buy that not wanting to be with a person becuase they are too similar. You want to be with someone thats going to compliment you and you also want to someone with the same background, values and beliefs so when the going gets tough ,you can work through it.

 

yes, I have friends who have dated guys they haven't been quite sure about and then break up with when they realize that its not going to go further. I would like to believe that the guy also sort of knows its not going to go anywhere also. And ussually the person doesn't feel it becuase their is either 1) no chemistry 2) different people, different backgrounds 3) still getting over someone else 4) attraction wasn't there. They also tend to break up if they feel the other person is rushing the relationship too much. When someone gives off the sign, "You are the one", if the other person isnt at the same point, they might doubt it more and pull back.

 

It does not make sense to me how one person can perceive a relationship to be so healthy and strong and the other person still have so many doubts. In my breakups ( I have been on both ends) BOTH parties ussually understand why its happenning. I have never had a break up (with the exception of the one I am going through now) where the guy just doens't "feel it".

 

I think you and I both want more of an explanation for this and I wish I could give you one but I don't know.

 

Yes, people do get back together but it ussually happens with the dumper changes his mind. It really sucks I know. Part of me wants to just try one of those internet love spells to see if it changes his mind. My relationship I thought was so strong. I knew he had just gotten out of a relationship but I really thought he felt what I felt when he had been so persistent and spent all his time with me for so long.

 

From her history, it does not sound like she is a commitment phoebe.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

exactly butterfly1...

 

we do have the same background, same level of education, same religious believes, similiar interests, we complimented each other and she loved coming around to mines for dinner... so the going did get tough i suppose and she is having a tough time with her life right now, a lot of stress and she doesn't want help with it... that is why i did her a good favor

 

I want to work through it but instead she dumps me but then as we have already discussed maybe it would have happened anyway

 

I did believe out relationship was going extremely well and moreso as time went on, i was dreading a break-up but did not in any way expect it

 

its definately not different backgrounds but maybe she is still getting over someone else... who knows? but she told me she had been single and hadn't dated anybody in ages!

 

attraction wasn't there? she actually approached me, we spent the night together then gave me a lift home the next day and she asked me "shall we do the swap numbers thing?" to which of course i replied "yes"

 

so still now putting all exterior possibilities aside i simply do not understand this and nor can my friends

 

you obviously feel the same way as me butterfly1 and i sympathise with you

 

i wish i had a magic wand to just make her change her mind and we could go back to where we left off

 

it sucks indeed , i am sinking into depression, i can't sleep or eat and i am starting to fade away

 

i have to meet her on Tuesday so I will have to put up a front to pretend i am fine when in actual fact i am definately not!

[moimeme]

Many, many relationships start on a high and then go downhill, as opposed to the other direction. We humans start out in relationships with great hopes. We want them to work out. There is something called the 'halo effect' which means, basically, that if we think well of someone, we will like things about them and we will find more things to like about them. That will happen for a while for most people (usually about three months). Then the initial chemicals that get going when a relationship begins start to wane. People learn more about each other - and start to find differences. The initial attracton begins to fade as potential pitfalls begin to make themselves known. Quite often, by six months, the relationship has faltered.

 

People keep asking why it can't be the way it was before - but quite often, 'before' was based on infatuation and first illusions, which fade into reality. The feelings you had were real but they did not have the solid foundation that a lifetime of such feelings requires. Relationships have to survive well past the first six months, weather the end of the 'infatuation' phase and the awakening to reality, and then grow and mature from there. Unfortunately, this one did not. Same goes for Butterfly. This is the cycle of relationships and it's useful to know for next and every other time. The first infatuation phase is wonderful and intoxicating,yes, but don't have faith that it will last because it very often does not.

[Butterfly1]

I totally agree with you that there can be an infatuation stage when you first start dating someone and I think its mostly based on looks and physical attraction. Yes, I have dated guys based on infatutation and when I get to really know them, realize that we are too different or are completely incompatible. And ussually those breakups happen but there are reasons behind the breakup besides "not feeling it" and "not having a reason why". And I would like to believe that these infatuation relationships fade with age and maturity as most of mine happenned years ago. I would like to believe that as you mature you look at the entire person when you start to develop and say you have feelings for. That when someone says 'I really care about you' and when someone spends all their time with you, they really mean and its not just some infatuation that will pass. I would like to believe that even with those infatuation relationships the person can say "this is not going ot work out because i think we are incompatible, want different things, don't see eye to eye" or there are at least fights. There are tangible and understandable reasons.

 

In my previous relationship I thought I had tried to take things very slow with him because I was afraid of getting hurt and after almost 2 months, I was able to open myself up to him physically and emotionally becuase I believed he sincerely cared and had strong feelings for me. I didn't even occur to me that he was just infatuated with me until he got to know me. I would think that as people spend time with one another they start to care more about them - especially when you are always having fun, have a lot in common and are both easy going.

 

And to BrianRightHeartWrong, perhaps this girl is just super stressed right now. She might feeling pressured and then feels the need to cut out some of the pressures in her life. I know you don't want ot see yourself as someone pressuring her, but a relationship is a commitment and perhaps she doesn't feel like she has the time or the energy now to commit to that. I once dated a guy for a year who broke up with me becuase he was feeling stressed out and I was the easiest thing to cut. Eventually we worked it out and got back together (but broke up a year later for other reasons) Just hang in there. I am upset but I have gotten my heartbroken before and it had been much worse. I made it through. Day after day, it will get better.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

perhaps you are right moimeme but any differences we have could have easily ironed out

 

after about 6-7 weeks one time i said a dreadful thing to her that i didn't mean which terribly insulted her, she sent a letter and my house key to me 2 days later and wouldn't answer the phone, i called over to her house that day to explain myself and I didn't expect at all for her to take me back, she just hugged and kissed me then we talked about us long term "if we get serious and have children" type of thing

 

as for the infatuation thing i can honestly say that neither of us were infatuated with each other, we deliberately were taking things slowly and carefull not to spook each other, i said recently to her "I am growing really fond of you and kissed and hugged her" , reflecting back her reaction was a bit cold although i thought nothing of it at the time

 

i suppose both of us were afraid to end up just like i feel now... like i've got nothing to live for

 

and yes she has a lot of pressures but she seems to not let it bother her at all but when you consider them they are quite significant

 

hopefully this week i have taken some of that pressure of her

 

Butterfly1 I would love to believe the "just hang in there" bit but she told me not to hold out and wait because "its not going to happen"

 

And to your situation Butterfly1 maybe this is a bit speculative but was it possible for him that it was a rebound relationship?

 

I actually thought about heartbreak again while we dating and back then i was convinced this time it won't hurt very much... how wrong I was!

[Butterfly1]

I have had rebound relationships before but they were ussually just dates or pretty light relationships - on both parts. And ussually they lasted no more then a month as being on the rebound I was never able to open myself up again to feel connected to anyone. He told me once that i wasn't a rebound but then when I saw him last week and said it again, he said nothing. Rebound or not a rebound you don't act like you care so much and spend all your time and then break up out of nowhere.

 

As for your situation I can only speculate as to what she is going on her mind. From your last post I can ask you if maybe you were too accommdating to her? As ironic as it seems if a guy is too nice and does too much for the girl, to the point that maybe he isn't respecting himself enough, she can lose respect for him. Are you sure you were always standing your ground, not putting yourself too out there to be there for her or support her? I do have a couple of friends that will date guys and then start to abuse them - the more the guy puts up with the abuse, the less interested the girl is.

 

Honestly the best thing you can do is move on and be busy. Don't go out of your way for her. As much as you think showing her your love for her will bring her back, it will do the opposite. You have to look out for yourself, tell her you AGREE with her decision, that you DON"T think you are right for each other. If you say this and act on this she will actually start to wonder if she made the right decision or at least keep her guard down a little. In either case, you are moving on and the rest is up to her.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

no Butterfly1 i don't think i was too accommodating, she said i was the kindness guy that she ever went out with but i think that is because some of her exes weren't nice people

 

we were good to each other and respected each others space and we came to agreements on things that we wanted to do with none of us domineering the other into what we wanted to do

 

i would have never taken any abuse or the like, it just isn't me

 

i know i need to move on and be busy, is it really true that if i do her a favour which i currently am doing she will not respect me? i find that hard to contemplate

 

it would be very difficult for me to tell her that i agree with her decision because that would be a lie and i don't want to play games

 

i realise that i can't do anymore but its not giving me any pleasure

 

she phoned me last night , i wasn't in but it wasn't to talk about us

 

she knows i keep busy although nowhere near as much as my confidence and concentration etc. is shattered

 

should i phone her back tonight but as i said it isn't about us and shes not playing mind games

 

and you're right about rebound relationships, i wouldn't even start one anyway, that just isn't fair i think unless of course the other is too

[sarah12]

If you are the one who broke up with someone and you knew you would never go back to the ex because they weren't right for you, and you didn't love them anymore, and then you started dating someone new, is that a rebound?! I thought rebounds were only for the people who got broken up with.

 

If I broke up with someone, the last thing I would want is another relationship!!!!

 

Sorry for venting..just a bit upset today.

[Butterfly1]

First I agree with Sarah12. When dumper dates someone new, how is that person a rebound if it gets serious and goes beyond a few months?

 

Second, I am not telling you to tell her that you agree with the breakup to play games. I just think that she might be hesititant about making contact with you if she is afraid of giving you false hope. I am saying that sometimes a person will be more adament about a breakup if they feel the other person is too into the relationship or too convinced that the other person is right. I just don't think you should ever let her know HOW much you are hurting right now. You need to show her (and yourself) that you are a strong person and that you accept her decision and that you want to be with somebody that realizes how great you are.

 

Why did she call you? Yes, you should cal her back -- should not be rude about it. But you just have to let her know that you are okay. that she doesn't have the power of you to control your happiness. I am not saying that she is going to come after you or change her mind but people ussually want what they can't have. Get off the phone first and be busy...after all you are broken up and you dont wnat to be that guy she calls and confides her problems in until she meets someone else.

 

I am sorry that she broke up with you but you can't let it hurt your confidence. I have realized that a lot of people have issues in life that they need to deal with....peoeple mature at different rates...people want different things. I think it is very wrong of her (and my ex) to say "I am sorry, I just don't thinkI could love you" becuase what you want was a reason why that you can understand. How much easier it would have been if she just said that now was not the right time or place for her or that she doesn'tthink you will work out becuase she is looking for someone that x. y and z and sees some problems. Its makes no sense to me that someone could break up becuase they "just don't feel it" when it seemed like everything was perfect.

 

We are still young and with time, these wounds do heal. be happy that you are capable of love because I have dated guys that are so self involved and commitment phobic that they will never find it. There are soo many great women out there who would love to date a guy that would commit to them and treat them fair. Maybe this girl just needs time on her own and away from you to realize what she has given up. Get back to the person you before you met her.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

hello Butterfly1 and many thanks for your imput once again

 

you are right about the person being more adament about the breakup if they feel theie partner is too into the relationship

 

i won't let her know how much it is hurting right now although i told her i was heartbroken last week so she knows my feelings for her

 

my ego is rock bottom right now but i will not show this

 

i need to become the strong person i was before

 

she called me because i am looking after her pet and if i wasn't she wouldn't phone me as she expressed how we should spend time apart then make contact later to be friends ( can anyone ever be friends? )

 

people want what they can't have, someone told me recently that is why a man loves a woman and it seems true

 

she doesn't want to phone me for help although she accepted it on tuesday even if she said it wasn't fair on me

 

"I am sorry, I just don't thinkI could love you" is a bit of a weird thing to say as she didn't say i don't love you and i have no feelings for you

 

she said she is looking for 100% and anything else won't do, maybe she is right looking for Mr. 100% but its a strange thing to say and she wasn't specific about what 100% entails, i'm probably as close to 100% as she'll ever find

 

I am happy that i am capable of love as I know the guys you are talking about, no matter how good looking some may be they are simply unattractive

[Butterfly1]

Then maybe she will never find what she is looking for or maybe she is in reality not ready for a serious relationship so she has these unreachable standards that no one can live up to. I don't think what she said was a valid reason (my ex said the same) as it doens't make sense. How can you possibly not be able to love someone that you are attracted to, get along with and have a lot in common with? That is the reason whY i came onto this board so if there is someone out there who can explain this to me, I would like to know. The only reasons I can think of are reasons that have NOTHING to do with the person being dumped but the person who is doing the dumping. (timing, past relationships, maturity, baggage, etc)

 

And you never know..perhaps given time and distance she will realize what she gave up and what a mistake she made when she dates guys and sees how wonderful you are. And I HATE to play games also but it always seems in my case that the guy likes me more, pursues me more when I remain somewhat of a challenge. It always seems that as soon as I turn around and say "Yes, I like you too" - they split and I am left heartbroken.

 

Take back some of the power and be okay with this. You sound like a great person who has a lot to offer someone. Don't let what she has done to you affect you too personally or affect your future relationships. Believe me, you are what every girl looks for (someone who is able to make a commitment and able to love someone else besides themself)

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Butterfly1 maybe you are right, i think she will find what she is looking for alright but I don't think she is ready for a serious relationship

 

you are right, i know she is ( was ) attracted to me, i know that for a fact, afterall she chose me, i'm not too bad looking by the way

 

to say that she doesn't think she would be able to love me doesn't really make sense after 4 months, i don't think she is the type to have a casual relationship judging by her past and what we were like together

 

we get along great together, have a lot in common from health issues to watching DVD's and i actually impressed her by selecting stuff that i thought was good

 

i know that she doesn't totally want to break ties with me although she did say the "i want to be friends" cliche

 

a lot of good things have came out of this though that i have realised about myself, it puts everything in perspective and sorts out the hierarchy of importance, it is ridiculous how it seems like most of the world are lost in things that don't matter as I have also been in the past

 

i don't know she may be scared ( as myself ) to get into a serious relationship which would bring marriage etc. down the line

 

she said to me without risk we will never achieve anything great in our lives and that is true, that is why I have been with her, i knew i was taking a risk as I have been in fear for about 4 years before her and i convinced myself then that i was happy and i didn't want a relationship

 

at the bottom of my heart yes i want her back and despite knowing that she won't i have a glimmer of hope that someday she will realise what she gave up after dating other guys

 

as you say about being a challenge that the guy pursues you more, it backs up what i said previously about why a man loves a woman

 

a man probably can't love a woman without this challenge, i'm sure there are psychologists out there that will attempt to rationally and scientifically explain this phenonemon

 

she called me on the phone last night and i was cool, i said everything was fine and we talked for 5 minutes about what we were doing the past days and other important stuff, she didn't phone me up adn ask about her pets health straight away but this is probably due to her not wanting to sound ignorant

 

Butterfly1 your last post on reading it has made me feel a lot better and i can't thank you enough for your help, you sound like a great person that is interested in other peoples feelings as well as your own

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

since then she has phoned me about the arrangements we made for me to collect her from the airport which i did

 

there was no hugs or kisses this time

 

i thought she was a bit cold with me but not once did i mention the relationship and we talked generally about our family and things that we maybe wanted to do in the future, she told me what a great time she had and how she didn't think much about anything at all while she was away

 

she asked me how i was and how my week went, i told her i was just fine and i had a good enough week ( all lies but then again i had to look positive ), she possibly seemed a little surprised at this as i told her i was heartbroken about 10 days before

 

anyway i gave her a lift to work then collected her again after so she could get her pet back from me that i was minding, this time she unfroze a bit, she only came into my house for 5 mins ( she said she was tired and had studying to do ) in which she gave me a present

 

i gave her all her stuff back that was in my house while acting casually without saying anything about goodbyes or anything, on the way out she hugged me and said that she wouldn't have left her pet with anyone else and she wouldn't have gotten away

 

i told her it was my pleasure and then she said look i am at college all weekend but the weekend after would you like to come out for a few drinks at the bar ( same one she dropped the bomb on me too! )

 

i said casually yeah OK and its your shout, made a few jokes which made her laugh and off she went

 

i was surprised at her saying this about an invition out though especially so soon, if you read the previous topics i explain how she wants the friendship to go on but we must spend time apart then in the future get together for the odd bit of socialising

 

this for whatever reason comforted me for an evening and took a lot of my depression away although the next day and today i am as bad as ever again

 

maybe she is feeling guilty, should i go out to this invition? i won't phone her to ask, i haven't been bothering her, pestering her or anything, she has phoned me ( NOT ABOUT US!!! ) ever since 1 week after our split I explained to her how fond i was and how i wanted the possibility of another chance and i will never ask again

 

as i said before this girl has been stalked in the past by an ex, I am not like that and she knows that now as she at least seems comfortable with me

 

i think or know i have zero chance and this is tearing me apart, i would like to be friends but it will take a miracle i think

 

even though i am trying to keep busy by doing all the things people suggest on this forum i have lapsed into depression, i am also a nervous wreck and my hands and everything are shaking, i have been drinking every night just to try and put this out of my mind but the next morning it is there again

 

i have been through this before but this time the nervous symptoms are new to me

 

i know there are many others out there just like me, it is a horrible emotion

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i was speaking to some of my friends about this...

 

some say i shouldn't go for my sake and that i will only torture myself more...

 

some say i should go and just enjoy her company and have a good time...

 

does anyone out there know what to do?

 

any help will be much appreciated!

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

please somebody respond, i don't know what to do

[Butterfly1]

Sorry I haven't been on the computer for the last couple of days (been traveling back East for the holidays) I would go or not depending on how you feel about her and what you want. She asked you for drinks after telling you before that there was no future and she did not feel it? Perhaps she has changed her mind. One of my friends just recently broke up with a guy becuase he was getting way too serious for her and told him that she didn't feel like they were right for each other and wanted to date other people. He started dating someone else and then all of sudden her feelings changed, she likes him more and told him that she want to be exclusive again. Maybe when your exgirlfriend saw that you were not mourning over her, that you going on with your life, she second guessed herself. If you are the person that did the breaking up, you don't just ask the other person to do something unless you want something. If you think you would still want to date her, then meet her out for drinks and do not bring up the breakup. See what she wants -- show her the guy you were when you first started dating. If you see her and she DOESN"T want to get back together, then don't waste your time on her again -- she is playing with your mind.

 

If you dont want to date her again or have lost interest, then decline the invitation. I am just telling you that from a female perspective, she would only be asking you for drinks if she was second guessing her decision.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

thanks for the advice Butterfly1,

 

i definately think she is just trying to be kind to me and wants to do the friendship thing although she initially said that we have to spend tine apart then later get together to try the friendship thing, i was surprised to hear how soon she wants to go out again but that actually depends on her phoning me next week

 

although that is very bizarre what your friend has done, i thought if a girl makes up her mind then that decision is final

 

i don't want to date other women right now but i think if she saw me with another girl she wouldn't like it very much

 

so she doesn't know that i am mourning over her and i told her all the activities ( new and old ) that i have been doing ( actually nowhere near as many as i usually do )

 

so if she phones me to go out next week and if i go i will try and show her i am the guy i was at first because we really clicked together

 

i won't say anything about our relationship

 

i love the girl and i would do anything to get her back, although i don't want to lose her friendship as well, that would be tragic and i know that she doesn't want to lose my friendship either

 

i will be very surprised if she is second guessing her decision, she doesn't seem the type

 

is her asking me out for drinks really unusual? my previous girlfriend didn't invite me out for anything as she said that the day trips adn walks etc. weren't going to happen

 

this girl has said about going for drinks and going for the odd walk and wants me to help her out with other stuff

[Butterfly1]

When I have broken things off with guys or when my friends have been the ones to break things off, we generally do not make plans and especially ask the guy out for drinks that we just broke up with. She is either second guessing her decision or she is being very selfish. Think about it reverse, if you had broken up with her or any girl, would you still be making yourself a part of their life and inviting them out? Thats just sending a mixed signal. I think down the road you can be friends again and hang out again but not within the first few months.

 

I don't think there is any golden rule that when a girl does the breaking up, it is final. Like guys (I hope) sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder or sometimes we realize the real issues had to do with ourselves and not with the other person. The reason she gave you for breaking up I still believe is BS or a coverup for another reason she isn't tellling you (but thats another subject)

 

See if she calls you for drinks for next week and then go out and have fun. Its too bad you don't have another date set up that you could casually mention showing that you are moving on and that you are not mourning her. Well, keep us posted on what happens but I think she is second guessing her decision.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

hi again Butterfly1,

 

when i think of things in reverse there is no way i would invite a girl out for anything after breaking up with her,

 

i have never dumped a girl as such, but i have been with many women and after 1 or 2 dates when they call to go out and i am not interested i just tell them that i don't want to go out and i don't ask to be friends either, there are a few girls that i have just been interested in as friends right from the start and a lot of them thought it was going to be more and i just didn't go there

 

as i said before I don't think she is second guessing her decision and i really don't think she is the selfish type ( though time will tell! ), i don't think she would use me, i know she is worried about sending me a mixed signal and I now believe she thinks that i am over our relationship and that i have totally accepted her decision

 

It is good to hear your comment on the golden rule situation and i can assure you that in my situation my absense has made me more fond of her ( this i noticed while on holiday away from her and b4 she even said if she never saw or heard from me in 2 days it became uncomfortable! )

 

Butterfly1 i would like to believe that the reason she gave me for our breakup was BS too but i can't imagine it was anything else ( i don't know maybe love for her ex? i remember we were discussing our relationship and she stated that she know how love feels and how she was in love before! she also said to me how she knows she will never be with her ex again and that how my previous GF was much closer to me than her as we were together for a year! )

 

i'm sort of expecting her now to not phone me to go out and instead to txt me to say that her original plan is now somewhat appropriate and somewhat postpone the whole idea

 

and if she does phone i will have to make a special effort to just have a laugh, as for another date oh my god i'm not that good at getting them, usually ( always!!! ) my girlfriends choose me and make the initial effort and if i like them well i just go along!

 

and off course i will keep the forum updated on this, this has been a great help reading all the posts and other peoples trauma

 

especially you Butterfly1 you have been of great help and i hope you sort your situation out too and i wish you the best of luck from the bottom of my heart

[Butterfly1]

I just think that she probably has enough friends to go out for drinks with. Seriously, you don't ASK someone out for drinks that you just broke up with...maybe in time. It was only recently that she broke up with you, if I were a friend of hers, I would ask her "What are you thinking?" if she told me that she asked a recent former boyfriend out for drinks. If she were really worried about sending a mixed signal, then why ask you out so soon? And with me and most people if chemistry or attraction wasn't the reason why the breakup happenned, then its still there - why taunt yourself like that by hanging out with you?

 

And regarding the whole feeling thing and being close to somebody, I don't think you can really put a timeline on how long you have to know someone before strong feelings can develop and if they are not there after a couple of weeks/months, then they are not going to come. Everyone and every situation is different and she shouldn't be making those comparisons or thinking like that. In a way, she is putting boundries on what being in love and getting to that point is like == if she is, then its really her loss.

 

Be yourself and be happy and let her know that you are moving on with your life. I hope she realizes her loss.

 

If you didn't read my post from last week, I sent my ex an email just stating how I felt about why things ended and how I believe that he sabotoged our relationship and anything he did not feel, is because he chose to not to feel. I don't know if he questioned his actions again but I do hope that someday or sometime he will think about when we dated and remember how great we were together and how he messed it up. At least sending it made me feel better so he knows that I am not sitting around missing him but that I think that I misjudged him.

 

Well, keep us updated. Hope all is well.