Reconciliation?

[lost_in_chgo]

Butterfly -

Well at least you have some form of resolution (hehe) for New Year's.

Though I don't think that you will necessarily never hear from him again, despite the second text msg. Though I think that maybe he wasn't as serious about your relationship as you were, or as you might have thought he was.

 

As you are no doubt aware, the anger is a sign of progression thru things. And it is a sign that you are starting to move on. It's a step I haven't been able to reach and I don't think I ever will. But the total lack of response and any sort of acknowledgement of feelings etc, it really a nasty thing for someone to do to you. So anger is certainly justified.

 

I hope 2004 does turn better for you. I'm foregoing New Year's this year as I am out of town with family, which i thought would be better than being alone in Chicago.

 

Don't give up on all us guys just yet.

[Butterfly1]

He called everyday after the first week of our dating, he spent his weekends with me, took me away, invited me to Thanksgiving, told me he really cared, how he loved being with me - but I should have known that it was too soon for him to move on since he had just broken up with someone that he dated for 1 1/2 before me. I just believed it had been over for awhile and thought his feelings were genuine. Before I left to return to school, he told me that he didn't know he was ready for a serious relationship but wanted to continue dating. I come back two weeks later to see him and he tells me he is confused, that he could see us together long term but got scared, that we were going down that same road as he did with his ex (when he fell in love with her and thought he would marry her) and that his ex (who lives on his floor) is coming by again and he remembers the strong feelings he had for her. Broke up with me after later standing me up that weekend on a voice mail the next week. I agreed for the breakup ...I haven't had much contact with him since (this was mid October) I came back end of October/November and we were suppose to have lunch but he called and cancelled and told me he wasn't ready or comfortable and then when I got upset (becuase he cancelled 20 min after we were suppose to meet) he hung up. Emailed and called the next to apologize - said he was wrong and how awful he felt. I ignored him for a few days and then when I emailed and said "someday we can talk" - he called me right away and we talked. His ex was trying to reconcile and he didn't want to (But i know he thought about it) and it was causing him stress. I come back three weeks later and we go to dinner. He was distant and I could tell that whatever was there, was gone....he then tells me that he broke up with me because he couldn't see himself developing strong feelings for me (when I thought he had strong feelings) and that he really didn't have a reason why. During this time I had gone to the doctors and tested positive for HPV (from him) I told him I would let him know about the colposcopy. I write him two weeks later and tell him i Had the test but it was going ot take a couple of weeks for the results. I also tell him that anything he did not feel, he choose not to feel when it got more serious and that maybe he can't handle the reality or the responsibility of someone else depending on him. That there was something there. He writes back and tells me he wants to know the results, wishes me well and good luck on my finals. I get the results back of my tests (which show I have to go back every few months until it clears up) and wish him a merry christmas and no response. Yes, I know I overreacted a little but I think its just my general frustration and dissappointment.

 

The most true love in the world expects nothing in return. I put expectations on him to at least say something to me. I hope you have a happy new year yourself with your family.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

well despite all your good advice...

 

i sat in the house all day really hoping she would forget to call me for her birthday party but the phone went at 6pm, i didn't answer it as i was too afraid, i waited 30 minutes then started to feel guilty so i called her and she invited me out to a restaurant with 3 of her friends...

 

stupidly i was drinking all day as well as not eating and i am on antidepressants, i went to the restaurant although i felt ok, she was there looking absolutely stunning, it was really hard for me to be there and try and have a good time but i made the effort to try and be myself

 

there was a lot of wine, i ordered a meal and as i have no appetite hardly ate any of it...

 

anyways i blacked out, i can't remember past 9pm, i was in the restaurant then i woke up at home at 3am

 

i sent her a text message at 3am but no response

 

i want to call her to apoligise and find out what happened but she probably won't answer

 

help, i feel really low today,

 

sorry for not taking your advise but i felt obliged to go!!!

[Butterfly1]

You have absolutely no idea what happenned last night?? No minor flashbacks or feelings that you might have done something bad? While I would like to black out some nights I have gone out and drank too much, I have never had a real black out (maybe I can't remember 5 minutes here or there but never a six hour black out)

 

Just relax first. Unless you broke the law or hurt somebody, most people do not take what others do drunk to mean anything. We all do and say embarrassing things when we drink too much. I am surprised you were the fifth person at her birthday party -- sounds more likea an intimate one.

 

Do not call her today. If you dont hear from her, call her tomorrow or the next day or if you know and can call anyone else from that night do that. But first, really think about what might have happenned.

 

And don't beat yourself up for going. I say I am not going to contact and then I contact...just these impulse reactions I guess.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

no i have no idea butterfly1

 

i don't think i will hear from her again

 

i'm not abusive or mouthy or anything when i am drunk

 

its killing me not knowing what happened, i want to call her to find out and apoligise to her

 

i also want to say how trying to be friends is tearing me apart and that i will have to stop meeting her

 

i am so messed up today!

[Butterfly1]

Calm down. We all get like this after a night of drinking. REmember, alcohol is a depressent which is probably the last thing you need right now. I am sure you didn't do anything which isn't forgiveable. DOn't beat yourself up. Just because you don't remember doesn't mean something bad happenned. We all have off nights and I am sure she isn't going to hold it against you. Don't call. Just know that tomorrow will be better. Watch a movie, read a book...just try to not think too much right now - it will only bring you more down.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

right this is what has happened since, last night i tried to call her cell phone but guess what no answer and i didn't leave a message either, i wanted to find out what happened and apologise for my actions

 

she now knows i tried to call her but she has definately not called me back!

 

i called her house landline and i got speaking to one of her friends who was there when i blacked out, i asked her how i was and what happened...

 

she says that they knew i just had a bit too much to drink and they got me a taxi home and then they went to the bar

 

she said that i didn't say anythng that i think i would regret and that i was in no way offensive or anything and that i didn't ruin her birthday

 

then she told me to not let it happen again, i am not sure what is behind that and it worries me a lot still

 

so i wished her friend best wishes if i never seen her again

 

so that seems to be the last time i will ever see or hear from her again, this deeply saddens me as i know now that i can't attempt to contact her ever again

 

i am intensely depressed today, i have thoughts of her being with other guys sexually etc. and it is wrecking me

 

she has an expensive item of mine but i don't care a bit, she can keep it

 

i can't just get her out of my head, this is terrible

[Butterfly1]

hey there, whether you were a perfect gentlemen or whether you are a fall down drunk, isn't going to change her feelings for you. I know you are embarrassed for what happenned but BELIEVE me, in a few months, you will be able to laugh at it. A couple of years ago, after my long time ex, I dated a guy for a few months. He broke up with me (well, I saw him out with another girl and that was the end of it) and a few months later I saw him out with another girl...We were all at the same party and I went up to that girls friends (after having a lot to drink) and told them that he was a player....and then a few weeks later I was at his Christmas party and I had so much to drink that I literally went to sleep in the bar....while these events were mortifying at the time, I got over them and so did he. Two months after his Christmas party we started dating again (eventually broke up again as he is a player dont forget). My point is, stop beating yourself up, thinking you have lost her because of this night.

 

Maybe try to think of this night as a blessing as it forces you to keep away from her now. Like me and my text message from last week. I regret it but at least it keeps me away and in a few months time, it will all be water under the bridge. She is not going to hold one night against you when she has seen you many other nights and days and knows how you really are.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i don't think i lost her because of my state the other night as i knew i had already lost her before i went out,

 

i know i am torturing myself but i can't help it at the moment, i just can't stop thinking about everything

 

i know i will have to keep away from her now, i am upset as she didn't reply to my text or phonecall as i was only trying to find out what happened and not to ask for her back

 

i really hope she doesn't hold that against me as that was the first time she has seen me drunk

 

i hope someday that it will be water under the bridge

 

a friend recommended i go for cognitive therapy, she thinks i am having a breakdown

[Butterfly1]

I think its rude of her not to call you back when you called her or text message you back. You are speaking to the choir on that one! Give it a few days - I know you are thinking she is angry at you but she should not be for one and second, even if she is, she can't hold it against you - Maybe she has been hungover herself or has a million other things to do.

 

I don't know if you are having a breakdown or not.....I would feel the same if I were you but just give it time.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

i thought it was strange in a way that she didn't which worried me and i concluded that she is angry and has lost any sense of respect for me

 

her friend i talked to on the phone asked me did i get home ok but she didn't then again i did send her a text message at 3am so she would have known anyway

 

as i said i may be having a breakdown but not just due to this as i explained before, this was just the last straw for me

 

does anybody out there know about or have any experience of professional therapy or counselling? i am already on medication but i think i will need more as my thoughts are causing me serious problems

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

maybe thats why as well i didn't get a response...

 

i sent her a text message saying "Ekk! just woke up! i suppose i shouldn't drink right now! u looked fantastic last night by the way! hope i was ok?"

 

does anybody think this would provoke her non response? i was drunk at the time like

 

whats wrong with telling a girl she looks fantastic even if she is your ex?

[Butterfly1]

No, I don't think that would provoke a non response. Girls like to be complemented from anyone..as long as it wasn't sexual, you were not out of line. You text messaged her at 3 am -- she was probably drinking and out with her friends and what you said didn't need a response..I mean what was she suppose to say to you the next day regarding your text message. I think she should have called you back (did you ask her to call you back) but maybe once again she didn't think she had too. This girl has sounded like pretty rational person so far, you did nothing wrong.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

oh good to hear your response Butterfly1 and you being female helps the perspective a lot

 

at 3am she might have been in bed and no it wasn't sexual, i am never like that with girls unless i am in a relationship

 

no i didn't ask her to call me back, i just left a message with her friend explaining my actions and if necessary my apologies

 

yes she is a rational person i suppose

 

i suppose i want to hear from herself that i didn't annoy her or say anything or pour my heart out or anything, i am worried i spoilt a possible friendship in the distant future even though we probably can't make that work either

[Butterfly1]

I am sure you didn't. As I said before she is not going to hold one night against you or she was never really your friend. I understand you wanting to hear from her that you did nothing wrong but I would just wait it out. Your message to her doesn't sound like a "call me back" message. She might have gotten it, listened to it and didn't think about calling you (not that she intentionally decided not to call you)

 

No I don't think you ruined any potential friendship with her - but you should wait on that friendship anyway right now until you get over her. From your posts sounds like she really cares about you and wants the best for you..she is going to do the right thing and I am sure she is not angry or upset with you.

[tbbearcat5]

Hey guys, I noticed this post, and I thought I would let you know of my experience in the same situation.

 

My ex, I could just tell something about her from the first time I saw her. Her body language, smile, the way she carried herself. She was just comfortable around me, and I could feel comfortable around her. BTW, she is 18, I am 20.

 

After a month of just casual dating, we decided to go serious. Not necessarily sex, but we both had such a strong connection that we really didn't need to push anything physical right then. She told me that she had screwed up too many relationships by going too fast and wanted to take her time with that and I agreed.

 

She was very good at surprising me. One night, about two and half-three months into the relationship, I got off work and drove to her house (she is 2.5 hours away, this was an LDR). Around 10:30, I get there. When I am inside, there are rose petals leading to her room. In her room, there is a candlelight dinner set up...right now I am in shock, LOL

 

She comes in later, wearing the most beautiful dress I have ever seen, she was stunning! So we sit down and have a nice conversation and an excellent dinner...and I am just in shock. No one had ever taken the time do something like this for me. I was so happy. Her whole family was involved too. I wanted to pay her back somehow, but I got my chance a month later.

 

She had shoulder surgery for the same shoulder problem I have (and I may have to have the same surgery done later on, same arm too) LOL, anyways, I take off four days of work to surprise her and take care of her at her house. I got her a rose as well. When I saw her in that hospital bed I wanted to switch places with her so badly. She had wanted a promise ring. At first I balked but I loved her so much I couldn't help it, so I got her one after a few weeks of mulling over it. But I was happy that I got her one after the fact, it made me feel good that she wanted one. I know, I know, that was a mistake.

 

I could go on and on about the good things we did for each other, but I'll spare details.

 

She started college this fall, at a different uni than me (she chose that one b4 we met) 3 hours away from me, 4.5 from her home. Things went well up until just a few days before the breakup. She acted withdrawn and didn't say much. I didn't pry about it, thinking that she was just depressed. Her gma was sick and her family farm was going to be sold. But a few days later, she im's me on msn and says that "she is going through the motions" and "thinks there is something out there better for me and her both". That hurt, badly. But, I have gotten over that. That is irrelevant now. I still love her and miss her dearly, but I don't let her know that anymore. Her friends all know that I do though, and they aren't too happy she split with me, but they have been supportive as well as her family, which is nice to have.

 

I have been reading and noticing that some girls sometimes feel that they are missing out when they first start college, especially with pre-college significant others. Personally...I think she is absolutely nuts for giving up what we had, but I can't do a thing about it. And maybe she just wants to feel what it is like to explore college, which I went through the same phase as well. to go from in love to now, being in another relationship with a dude whom I have heard things about I don't like (out for a relationship but just for the sex), still blows my mind though. And they, too, are going too fast as well. I know it's none of my business, but they just told me that w/o asking. I know her and I were young. But I know what I want in a girl, and my ex fit that bill to a T.

 

But I just think she's confused, not in her right mind, a phase, according to her mom. Doesn't know what she wants. I mean, the new guy may be nice, but she is the kind of person that really enjoys affection and attention, and I love being that way. She enjoyed the fact that I was totally into her. And from what I have heard, I don't think he could do that. I guess sometimes girls just don't think. She is a very smart person, she was smart enough to get out of her last relationship before me before she got badly hurt again, so hopefully she can realize what she is doing.

 

I will take this opportunity to better myself. Maybe good things will follow. I do get to see her in late March, but I do think I will see her a few times before then. I am a track athlete, and there is a track meet at her school on that day in March. Hopefully I will get to see her. My grades have been ok, but not what I would call "good." I want to do better there too.

 

Anyways, thanks for reading this book of a post. Feel free to make comments, good or bad, thanks!

 

tbbearcat5

[Butterfly1]

I would give it time. 18 is VERY young to be making a very serious commitment. She is starting something new, she is growing and changing a lot and its probably hard for her to make a big commitment to someone/anyone. It sounds like what the two of you had was very real and very strong but now might now be the right time for the two of you. And I can understand her not being so sure right now....she probably hasn't dated THAT many people by 18 (at least seriously) and she probably just needs to see what else is out there. How can she know that you are the right guy for her if she doesn't go out and meet and see who else is there. Just give her time...hang in there and believe that if its meant to be, she will come back. She sounds very sweet and so do you. Good people are hard to find and hopefully she will realize that in a few months.

[tbbearcat5]

Yeah, I'm convinced that what you said is what's going on. And I went through the same thing. I look back on this and I was stupid to try to change her mind, but it has been getting steadily better, and we now talk once or twice a week, but only for 5-10 minutes at a time, which is ok, as it takes time to rebuild. She said she still cares about me and never said that she wouldn't come back - but I am keeping my guard up.

 

What has made this so different from many of the other girls I dated was the memories that we shared. They mean a lot to me, and I know they do to her. You just can't let go of what we had just overnight. I am over the whole breakup, don't get me wrong, but with the holidays just passing through, that was a hard time for me because we had plans to spend time together around that time...it was just a bittersweet holiday season this year.

 

She was some relationships before me, but yes, none too serious, although her previous bf before me she dated for a year and a half but he had been cheating on her with his exfiance, and supporting her while she did nothing basically. And she has been raped. I know this sounds bad, but she has cheated in the past before me, but one of her best friends informed me that she told him that she was never tempted to cheat on me. And I always trusted her, so I truly believe that.

 

My worry is that I just don't want her to get hurt. You're right, she is a total sweetheart, and she has gone through way too much pain in her life, and I don't want a repeat of her past to occur again. But I do realize this may take a few months, like you said. I do know that we will be friends for sure, we had way too much not to be.

 

Again, thanks for the input and I will keep you posted. BTW, we did talk last night, I said hi and goodnight and she said hey and g'nite, so things are going to be ok I'm pretty sure.

 

tbbearcat5

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

so now what do i do???????

 

after attending my exes birthday party 2 1/2 weeks ago ( her invitation ) and getting unintentionally blind drunk and blacking out i thought she might not ever speak to me again

 

you can read this thread but basically she dumped me 2 months ago out of the blue, said initially that we should spend a long time apart then try and be friends

 

i have been diagnosed with clinical depression ( the breakup was the last straw and probably not the whole cause which are probably a range of long term issues), she knows this and the hard time i'm having!

 

i have been doing the no contact rule, she texted me last night to tell me her new news, asked how i was and did i want to meet up with her on Saturday evening as she is free! 5 mins later i get another as i didn't reply to further ask the question and elaborate on her news and she asked again to meet up

 

i was truly shocked at receiving these texts...

 

i haven't replied to them, i am truly not over this girl at all and i would love for us to be together again but i am doing most of the no contact advice on Loveshack

 

i would truly love to be her friend some day as we are very close due to other circumstances which may have initially brought us together

 

it is very hard for me to meet her and pretend that i have no feelings although i don't want to ignore her either

 

some friends say don't reply, some say do whatever i feel

 

what should i do?