Confused728 Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 I am 28 My Bf was 35. We had what i thought was a great relationship we were together for about a year and a half and prior to that we were good freinds for about 2 years. At the begining of our relationship i caught him going into the bathroom with about four other guys, i know a few of this guys did cocaine. I asked him what he was doing and he insisted he didnt do any drugs and that they just somtimes all took a piss together. I never belived that and after that i was always suspicious of these particular freinds. I always got along great with his other freinds, his work friends his family but i didnt not like it when he would hang out with these particular guys. For the first year or so they hardley came around. and when they did They used to come to his house and do drugs in the bathroom and i would make sure my bf wasnt doing anything, He would never tell those guys to go home or not to do that stuff. Most of our fights were caused because of these particular freinds that did drugs. about 2 months ago we finally had a big blow out over these drug freinds and he said i was trying to tell him who he could and couldnt see and that i shouldnt make him choose, wich i didnt i just asked that he tell them not to bring cocaine around. he said thats not fair to him. He said that i degraded him by accusing him of doing drugs and that his freinds know he didnt do that stuff. But one freind said to him before since when dont u do it. So I broke up with him about 2 months ago then decided i would forgive him but he said he didnt want to get back with me because we would never be able to get over this issue and i would never trust him over drugs, he also said that i become to explosive and seems like he is finding minor issues wrong with me, we hardly had fights except over drugs and these particular freinds. I know latley he has been going out with this group of guys. He has lost alot of weight latley and said its because he cant work out and he is running more. He wanted to stay being freinds and would text me often. i found i was doing most of the work though in being freinds and he never invited me out. He said he loved me and his family thinks he should work it out with me but he said he doesnt want to and they dont know cause they werent in the relationship with me and dont know how i am lol because i get angery over drugs. When people ask him what happened with us he doesnt explaing and only says "its Too Complicated" About 2 weeks ago i started no contact. he text me a few times saying hi and hello but i didnt answer. What is everyones advice and what do people think of this siutation? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 (edited) I think that he wants drugs more then you right now.Sometimes a person has to hit rock bottom before they quit.It cost alot to do what he is doing and when someone is on drugs you cant reason with them.He needs to amit he has a problem first and it sounds like he is no where near amiting that.If he is doing this and your with him he will bring you down.You are doing the best thing right now by letting him know you do not approve.His family and friends will catch on to what hes doing.Keep your chin up and think of yourself now.Good luck! Edited October 19, 2009 by scatterd Link to post Share on other sites
MrFun Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 You're in control of your own emotions, he can't really do anything about your emotions. But you emotions are running high and you're flat out unable to trust him. You know that, the guy knows that, and so does this forum just by reading your post. I think it was brave and right to let him go. He needs to take care of his emotions, just like you did. I think you should stay away for the simple reason that this is destructive to *your* life. Find a partner with the same morals and outlook on life would be my tip in this situation. (Background: I spent 6 years with a woman that cheated on her ex-bf and did cocaine. She was wonderful in the beginning. Once off the anti-depressants she went strange after a year. She cheated. I forgave her, and she ended up leaving me anyway. I never trusted her and the drugs drove me crazy. I always pictured coming home and seeing her doing a gangbang and coke on the table. Even though she left me, I feel so relieved now. I knew what to do, I just didn't do it. I think you're in a similar situation, right?) All the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 he was great he first year or so but i dont know now, maybe he is having a relapse. he started drinking and smoking alot more so maybe the drugs were the next thing.I just wonder if somtimes he is trying to manipulte my mind by sayin i just cant trust him, he never wants me to question anything about the drugs and thinks i should just belive him when he says he doesnt do i. but why would he be haning out with a bunch of coke heads if he wasnt, one of these freinds is a pure druggy that he just lives to do coke doesnt work or anything and is always in the pursuit of getting drugs. why does my ex want to stay my freind and contact me and say that its possible we will get back together but he is not gonna rush anything? Link to post Share on other sites
MrFun Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 why does my ex want to stay my freind and contact me and say that its possible we will get back together but he is not gonna rush anything? You're not a priority. Maybe you'll hang around, maybe you won't. He'll do a line in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 do you think im right in thinking he is having a relapse and doing drugs again? If he really wanted to end it wouldnt he just want to have nothing to do with me? I dont see why he tells me to move on then says mabey we will get back together but take it slow, then says he loves me, wich he hardley ever says hes not very emotional, and he gets jealous if i date other guys.. but still wants to talk and text almost everyday if i allowed it. i must not have an interesting post lol i thought i would get more responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 at this point im not missing him nearly as much as i did at first. Though at times i do, i miss his family we all got along very well i felt party of the family. i just get mad thinking that he would pick a bunch of drug addict freinds over me, and i just feel angery and think how can he do this to me then turn to me and want to be freinds and talk on phone and pretty much have me around and be part of his life just not as a couple. right around the time we broke up he also told me he needed time to miss me, then said that i couldnt trust him with drugs, then said he didnt love me but few weeks later said that he did, then said i had temper problems and mood changes and i did get angery over the drugs, it seems like he had a lot of diffent reasons but still not sure why he still wants me in his life and then says hes not opposed to getting back together somtime. the funny thing is he tells his family that we are on a break, not broken up. wtf Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 forget to mention to he gets mad when i say we are not going to be freinds, i removed him off my face book and blocked him compltely and he was offended by this, and i told him i was gonna date other guys because i have been getting offers, and he said im a mind F**KER. he the one who doesnt wanna work things out and has nerve to say that to me. He hasnt text me in a week now as i have been ignoring his text. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 addicts and alcoholics lie - all the time. you did the right thing, now stay away from him... it is only to your benefit to stay away. when dealing with someone like this you will NEVER be able to make sense of most things they do or don't do - it's part of the disease. he may not be able to admit most of the things to himself even... that is also part of his world now too. stay away... his agenda is the drug - you can't help him. you will never get the truth either. Link to post Share on other sites
MrFun Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 confused, I don't know if he really is doing drugs. I can only speculate, but I believe he is. Let this guy go. He needs to deal with himself. I also don't understand why you're waiting for him to decide what to do next. Sounds a bit co-dependent is I may say so. I think you need to look after yourself at this stage, since I think you're spending too many moments thinking of him and the third party (drugs). Forget other guys at this moment as well. Maybe you think you can get him a bit jealous by seeing other men, but you'll only drag it down more, you'll drag yourself down more, and innocent guys you're not ready to date anyway. I guess what I'm recommending is to just go NC, lick your wounds for a bit, and eventually get back out there. All the best.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 I just found out more information from a freind that used to hang out with my ex drug crowd, he didnt use drugs and stoped hanging out with them, but he told me his freinds talked about me behind my back saying i was changing my bf, and i woudlnt let him have any fun and that i was controling, i really wasnt i think he wanted to get away from that stuff at the time to, and i tried my best to keep him from drugs. But this kid told me that my ex used to do double he and they would do coke and stuff. Im really thinking now that is the reason he doesnt want to be together now, i just dont understand how some one could choose drugs over a healthy relationship when everthing else was going well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 i know i keep posting but its my only way to vent, but i get so mad and cant stop thinking about it, how could he belive those people over me, im good never used a drug in my life and always was looking out for him and his best intrest i was loyal, caring, and he belived those coke heads over me. then i start questioning myself and the bit of doubt that i have that he might not be doing drugs still. but how can he belive those people and pick them over me, does he honestly think they are better people? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 My ex husband was using drugs for years without me realising. I did realise that money was becoming short as was his temper. He would have all sorts of explanations and excuses for the way he was acting. The main clue was going to the toilets with his mates, taking too much time in the toilets. When i found out i tried to get him off the coke. He was good for a while ( i think) and then i noticed him looking at the guys going to the toilets like he wanted to go too. This went on for months, he was not hte same anymore. In the end it was competely miserable, nothing fased him I couldn't trust him even to go to the shops and that is no relationship. If there is no trust then what have you got? It is worse than him going with another woman, you can compete with a woman, he needs more time to cheat with a woman. Just run, if he thinks he needs drugs to keep him happy and he is willing to decieve you now, how you gonna feel when you settle properly and have kids. I divorced him, he spent two years tellling everyone he loved me and he couldnt understand. I spent the last 7 years working my socks off to bring up my child, The whole experience with him was so miserable ( was married 13 years before the problem and 3 years during) anyway after that i never looked at another man. Couldn't cope with the distrust and misery. I just had my first relationship in 7 years and it was very different and so nice to be able to trust him, he just had other issues. I would rather be alone than have to worry what my man is doing alll the time, Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 [ then i noticed him looking at the guys going to the toilets like he wanted to go too. this happend to me also we went to visit his coke head freinds once when they where away, then they all started doing coke in the bathroom so i said it was time to leave, he seemed iritated that we left like he wanted to stay, i had a feeling he wanted to do stuff to Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 its been about three weeks now that i started no contact with him, i have my good days and my bad today i feel lousy, kinda miss him and kinda mad and fustrated i wish i could just get on the phone right now and give him a piece of my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 at one time also when we were fighting about this he threatened to hit me. he has never hit me before and i dont think he would ever but i think i got him so mad about arguing over his freinds and what they do. he used to say everthing we had a fight it would make him distance toward me, and last 2 months or so i felt that way, but the fights where caused mostly because of drugs and his druggie freinds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 ok im going crazy today i cant take it!! i feel fustrated, i dont know if something is wrong with me and thats why we broke up or if its really the drugs, i have talked to guys that i casual dated before and they said they would date me again and that i had a big heart and they were sorry when i broke up with them i even had another boyfreind for three years at one time and it ended in 2004 and he still tries to contact me, i know im good looking and alot of guys want me i just dont know what i did wrong with this one. i cant take it, i tried to go the gym today i coudlnt concetrate cause i keep thinking about him, i wonder if he even misses me at all or thinks about me not contacting him, im going crazy i been sleeping lousy, i had a dream about him last night, what am i gonna do, even when i try destracting myself like going to the gym i still think of it, nothing distracts it. i have been doing good and i dont plan on contacting him at all but i just hope that he ends up regreting this or something. how could he do this to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 and another funny thing is, i started no contact before and this was the first time i stuck with it, but when i didnt talk to him a few days before he said i was the one who abbandoned him and cut him out of his life, like he turns it around and says it was me. i just cant take this im so confused he loves me not then says he does love me, then he says he needs a break but still wanted to be in contact and hang out, he said i should move on but says hes not opossed to working things out in the future, he says he cant get back together with me cause il never trust him, then i have mood changes, then i twist words, i just dont understand what he is thinkin, then he gets mad if i say im gonna date other guys and said i guess i dont need him for sex anymore, what is goin on ahhh Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 is there anything i can do to help him i feel bad and i am worried? should i just stay away or try to do somting? Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Hi Confused, I kind of know what your going through. I was with my partner for just over three years and he broke up with me a few weeks ago. For the past year hes had issues with drugs. First just weed but it went on and went onto worse things, we broke up because of it but got back together a few days later and he improved. He stopped doing it as much, well cut everything out but weed. The past few weeks he started smoking more and it was causing issues apart from the effect on him i would ask him to cut it out and it was his friends that made it a whole lot worse. When he broke up with me he made load of excuses about me and reasons as to why we are better of apart...mostly being my fault. Like you i asked past boyfriends etc and they said the same as yours...my friends tell me i can do better i wont be on my own for long etc but it doesnt actually make this easier. I want to help him so bad because i see the effect its having on him and i know its what broke us up because when he was just him not stoned him we were really happy. Untill he says theres a problem and makes an effort...well quits, our relationship could never move on, would just be a circle of the same events. More then anything i want to be with him and help him but we cant save them from something they dont want or are not ready to admit is an issue...but its hard when something like drugs is the thing that makes you hurt and u can see slowly destroying someone you love. I hope your ok and things get easier for you, just know its not your fault...hugs! xx Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Also....sorry i dont mean to go on, its just nice to hear this from someone whos hitting the nail on the head for me! My boyfriend said about me being hot and cold, twisting words, mood swings...all the same as yours. It's always somehow my fault. Plus hes also like your ex...doesnt just say its over. final. The last thing he said to me was 'Let the dust settle and maybe we will talk in time...' i still have no idea what this means but its like he's not quite ready to close that final door so im doing the NC thing now..... Your not alone with this confusion!! It drives you mental! x Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 hi metal, thanks for responding, so yours is pretty recent too! is that what brought you here also? i had kind of the same situation where we went out with his freinds and it seems like he is in a sprial down, lol i hope u got a chance to read all my post i know i put alot but i had to vent. its tough cause i love him and it bothers me to see him going threw this, i wasnt aware of it when i first started going out with it, i knew he did it but he said he didnt do it anymore and he always seemed fine when i was with him to recent. i also started no contact i was trying the freinds thing and stuff but it was too confusing and he still wanted me to have sex with him and wouldnt really close the door, told me to move on but said he loved me and not opposed to working things out and taking it slow. but its just very confusing that he blames me says i twist his words, then i have mood changes and because i was laid off that i wasnt ambitious and told me that he didnt want me at is house becuase he liked his "alone time" wich i thought was strange at the time cause last year i was there all time and he never minded, i think mabey he just needed a place to do drugs. and he used to get irritable but i thought thats becuase he needed a cigirate. then he would say he needed a break, but the first time he said that was like in march after i refused to go meet up with his freinds. but then he says i dont trust him and he cant be with some one he doesnt trust and i was taking away his dignity, he always had a diffent problem with me or seemed to, i just think he wanted to say anything and see what would stick but its so confusing tell me more about ur situation what do u think abotu mine? you think he was using or is in relapse, oh fyi before i started no contact he told me he was going away with those druggie freinds for like 6 days thats when i said i had enough and told him i wasnt going to contact him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 also mine tries to tell me that the break up was not about the drugs but the trust. and he just refuses to belive it was cause of his freinds or the drugs. he always listened to what one of his freinds told him to do and he didnt belive that he did. they make things up about us as to why we shouldnt be with them, do u think they belive it or do u think they will regret loosing us? Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I think short term they will be better off and us worse but long term we will be better off and them worse. Its hard because i cant offer any words of wisdom or really help you cause im only learning how to deal with this day by day. Its so funny though just little things are really simular, our break was in march...happened the same as yours. My ex said about 'alone time' just wanted to chill out not rush about if we were meeting or anything. He used to blame things on me, never the same thing as though like yours he was trying to find something to stick. hot and cold etc. Yeah mines recent...about three weeks, i came on here because i was aware i was prob pissing all my friends and mum off by crying and talking about it all the time. So..i get your need to vent, venting is just another way of trying to make sense of it. Thats what im trying do. Its so hard cause my ex got demoted in his job and he said over txt...'i just need to immerse myself in goblins to make the situation seem better....' not only is this a weird thing to say but he finished with me that next day. Hes also doing a lot better with the NC thing then yours by the sound of it. Hes not ready to talk to me atm so i havnt really heard from him. Only brief txts but nothing on going. So im sorry i cant help with that confusion cause that must be driving you insane hearing from him. Just try the NC thing cause your doing well with it so far. They need to realise they are really messing up here...but they need to work it out for themselves. It is hard though cause like you i thought i was in a good relationship and i love him (even though i wish i didnt lol!) I have read your posts and im going through a lot like you...glad i read yours now. No one answered mine and when they did its was just the normal....move on, ignore him, it will get better...deep down you know all this but it doesnt actually make it any better to hear. Also....this codependent stuff i keep hearing...dont take that on. Blimey i was with my partner for three years and if i cant just move on then that actually makes me normal!!!! How are you doing though?! x Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Also confused....what were your friends and family opinion on him?! Did they think you could do better or anything......x Link to post Share on other sites
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