Metal_Muffin Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 No def a good thing! They cant just think you can manipulate us when they need us around and that...its not fair! Like when i was talking to my ex and he would be all upset and that...as soon as i did the same he switched saying its the right thing etc...when we are all sad etc to them it just makes them believe even more that we are waiting. So no more...im going to send him his stuff in the post...with not a word or a note in there. Its his birthday on the 26th im tempted to ignore that as well if him honest....even though ive been sure i would just txt saying 'happy birthday' Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 metal, take my advice dont send a happy birthday text, i did it for my x and im sorry i did, it took another month before i was able to do no contact again lol its not even worth it, dont wish him well when he hasnt been treating you good Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Being a liar and doing drugs at the age of 35 is a good reason to break up with someone Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 well he text me today after a month of nc, he simply said "good morning hope all is well with you :)", i havent answered what do you think i should do?? Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 noooooooooooooooo really!? You heard from him?! Blimey!! What you going to do? When does he go away?! I hope your doing ok after hearng from him. Your right as well....screw him why should i txt him on his birthday...he forgot mine and we were together at the time!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 You shouldnt txt him today....let him know how it feels to be left to stew for a bit.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 why do you think he text me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 mabey he wont be going away later this week like he was supposed to and text me hopping i would engage him in conversation and then he would tell me he ended up not going.... other wise i dont see why he would contact me a few days before he goes to upset me Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I dont know....i wish i did. We have spent a long time debating both of our ex's actions over the past few weeks. Did you reply? Just becareful hes not doing it so he can make sure that your not going to keep waiting on him...like they were doing a few weeks ago. If he wanted to say he didnt go....he prob would of just said that! Maybe he wants to make sure your still waiting. I know this must be hard for you....sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 How did you feel when you heard from him?! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 well i didnt answer him, i dont want to set myself back i feel im starting to move on though i miss him and stuff i feel pretty good, today little annoyed, just think his text was impersonal. I felt happy to see that he was thinking of me, it must have broke his will down alittle to give in and send me a text... i was thinking that mabey he doesnt wanna come out and say that hes not going becuase then he will think he did it cause thats what i want, i think maybe he wanted to start a converstion so that way i woudl ask or he would everntally tell me that he decided not to go bcuase he coudlnt afford it, or that it was cancled, i dont think he would ever say hes not going becuase of me. but i dont wanna take the risk of talking to him and then he tells me he is going cause ill just get more pissed off and worried, i just worry about his well being when he is with them.he is not very emotoinal type and not good with his emotions so i dont expect that he would send somting that says i miss you or who knows. in the begining of our relationship he was, but in general he not emotinal with anyone not even his family.. Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. When someone is deeply addicted to drugs nothing matters over the drug. Not their children, not their mortgage, not visits to jail, and not their significant other. You owe it to yourself to distance yourself from him for good until he is ready to get help. You and no one else will be able to convince him that he needs help until he is ready. Everyone's rock bottom is different, you don't necessarily have to get into a car wreck or lose your house to seek help, but you do have to realize that the life you are leading isn't one you want to lead anymore. He will not be available to you until this happens. I promise you this. I know it hurts you to know that they are choosing a drug or drink over you but it is not them thinking, it is the drug running their life. He does not have a choice in the matter right now, and will not until he gets control over it. I know it is so hard to understand for a non-addict but it is how it is. You can try attending Alanon or counseling to help you understand this and cope with it. It will help you. Good luck hun, I have put my family through the same thing and I know how much I have hurt them in the process. I hope that he sees the same thing someday when he is ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 rick thanks for that! i have a few questions for you, do you think he is really doing it? is it normal to lie to people about it, cause i start questiong myself to and wonder if he is really honest and im just making it up.. but i dont see why he would be going out with addicts, and stuff, he said im just trying to control him from seeing his freinds and that becuase he is with them doesnt mean he does it... but if u read alot of my other postings above u see alot of the reasons why i think it.. Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I think you did the right thing not writing back to him. Your better off making sure you dont get hurt and protecting youself now. You could be right...he may not be going but i cant see what he would loose by just saying...im not going! I mean...hes already managed to push you away and you prob cant get any further away then you are now. I just dont think you should put yourself in a postion to be manipulated. I would be happy if my ex would txt me so i understand that but i would struggle with replying unless it was really begging me back and he was giving up all the drugs...or at least trying. You have been doing really well...look how different our posts our now from what they were when we first spoke. Just do what feels right, whats best for you...and right now that prob is ignoring the txt. Again though im sorry hun!! Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Thanks Rick...its kind of nice hearing from that perspective. Im in a simular position to confused. Ta for sharing it with us =) Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 As for lying, that is all I did to get my "fix." I lied about whether it was sunny outside or not if it would feed my addiction. He will lie to you and if you saw him in the bathroom with other guys and there was cocaine, he was doing it. If he didn't think it was a problem to do a little bit of cocaine, why not just say, "you know what I tried it that one time and it isn't for me." You are welcome for the perspective and I am now an honest person through sobriety. It is a gift that I now have from giving it up. I wasn't the same person when I was using. I am generally a good person and I'm sure he is too. He just probably has a problem that needs to be addressed. Any questions you have for me I am willing to try to help give you an insight into it. Please feel free! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 rick more questions ya a drug dealer called him once at 4 in the morning he didnt know why or who it was lol, what other signs should i have been lookin for for drug use. few months ago he told me he didnt want me staying over is house as much as i used to because he liked his alone time... then he started saying things and trying to find things wrong about me, is that something you did when you wanted to get away from someone? Also if i told him he had a problem he would flip out on me and insit he didnt and become very defensive, then he would also say i just couldnt trust him wiht that stuff anytime i questioned it, he would turn it around on me saying i shouldnt be with him if i didnt trust him? did u do that? what would cause him to go back to doing the drugs if he is, you think he will regret loosing me because of this? what kind of personality changes would i see? Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Defensiveness, check. Isolation, check. Weird phone calls at all hours of the night, check. Pushing it off on others as if they were the problem, check. Lying, manipulation, denial, not answering the phone, texting instead of calling, saying they are sick, making excuses not to see you, new friends... These are all signs of a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 does he really belive that im the problem or does he know himself the truth but just doesnt want me to catch on? cause id like to think that even if he tells me its me, he know deep down its him... he doesnt seem to isolate himself from his family or anthing he sees them, but again im the only one that ever confronted him with this... that i know of. but i think that right now he wants to go out and do that and he thinks that he can come back cause he tells me that he might wanna get back with me but he not rushing into anything... but i hate the feelin that its me that did somting wrong cause i thought we had a great relationship other than fighting about drugs, for some reason he just tells me its not working and stuff when i really started questioning the drugs and saying he had a problem, thats when it seems he pushed me away more, though for a few months he had been distant and not as cuddly as he used to be, back in febuary or march i noticed he would get irritable easily but i thought it was cause he needed a ciggirete and one time told him that and he said thats what he needed.. now i wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 If he is in denial (which it sounds like he is) he probably does think you are the problem. I used to think "if everyone would just leave me alone about it there wouldn't be a problem." I still had a house, a husband, my kids got to where they had to go, dinner was on the table every night etc. I really did think that everyone else was the problem. Until he admits he has a problem then you won't be able to convince him otherwise. Hopefully he does realize this before things get worse. And they can get horribly bad believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 rick why do u think he wants to be freinds still and says he doesnt like it when i tell him we arent gonna talk anymore and that he woudl get back with me but he not gonna rush into anthing, u think he taking this time to do drugs... or does he generally not like me for a relationship... i just dont understand whats going on in his head.. Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 This I can't answer. Who knows what is going on in his head. Maybe it is the drugs, maybe it is the fact that he wants to keep you on a leash in case he wants his cake and to eat it too, maybe he isn't sure. My advice would be to just not talk to him anymore. NC at all. That is what I am going through right now. My ex is an alcoholic who lied to me our entire relationship about not drinking when he in fact was. He called me a week later and begged for me back and then said he regretted what he said the next day. It was absolute torture. I spent weeks trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why he did that, if it was the alcohol, if he broke up with me in order to drink (he saw me so much that I could be hindering that). I decided that I was driving myself crazy and haven't talked to him in over a month. It has helped me heal. You need to move on and hope that he gets the help he needs. You don't deserve this treatment be it from drugs or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Metal_Muffin Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 God reading your conversation sheds a lot of light on mine. Def helped me make my mind up that while my ex is still heavily smoking and taking other stuff im staying well clear and sticking with NC. Its hard though thinknig drugs is what pulled us apart...but your right this is up to him to change, its not up to me and im going to drive myself crazy just constantly going over it in my head and trying to work it out. Im glad you sorted things out for yourself Rick i hope my ex has the same guts some day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 lol im wondering if mine will be going away tommrow, but im feeling alot better and care alot less i havent talked to him in over a month now Link to post Share on other sites
rickigal Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 That's great!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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