2sunny Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I can relate. I have a boyfriend who's 41 I'm 43. He's a good guy and good with my kids... But, he uses drugs (smokes pot and I believe abuses pain killers). I am completely against them (Was in the military for 20 yrs and have family members with big problems related to them). I've found joints/roaches in my garage, in his truck etc numerous times. The last time about two months ago I told him after hearing many excuses that the next time I didn't care what his excuse was we would be finished. Well, I found another one that I know wasn't there before because I look all the time now. He denied it so I asked him to take a drug test and he refuses, though he claims the joint isn't his. There is no one in this house besides the two of us and it's not mine. So, Ive deceided since I have already made up my mind on how I was going to handle this next time that with him refusing a drug test which could save us that he has something to hide and I just don't want to be a part of it any longer. Guess what I'm really wanting to know is does anyone think I'm wrong for asking him to do this for me? (take the drug test) he doesn't need to test... it WILL be positive. the question for you is - why do you keep changing your boundary? you stated at the beginning you were DONE if you found anything. YOU found something... why are you still there? quit changing your mind - say what you mean and mean what you say. he doesn't believe you because you don't do what you say you will. and yes, he will use again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 sunny how do i get over the anger i feel? I felt so angry when i seen him out with his drug friends that caused so many problems between us.. i just wanted to scream at him why is this happening Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 sunny how do i get over the anger i feel? I felt so angry when i seen him out with his drug friends that caused so many problems between us.. i just wanted to scream at him why is this happening you are mad because you care more than he does. step away. detach. it helps for your healing. he doesn't care - that is part of the behavior you should expect from him while he's using. educate yourself. go to an al anon meeting. Link to post Share on other sites
kalena9488 Posted July 8, 2010 Share Posted July 8, 2010 right! He said today that he'd take a drug test. I said I gave you the option last Friday and told you that that was the only chance you got. I was serious. I've told him to move out by the end of the month. You're right he will use again and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does any drugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 8, 2010 Author Share Posted July 8, 2010 how did he react? was he in denial.. did he sound similar to my ex? I think i still love my ex so im not sure how to handle this cant believe its so hard still Link to post Share on other sites
kalena9488 Posted July 11, 2010 Share Posted July 11, 2010 on the 8th last Thursday when he said he'd take a drug test... we went out to dinner that night and he ate a decent size meal. When we got home ge puked his guts up. I believe he bought some sort of cleansing product and that's what made him sick. I'm just not sure if they do that or not. Anyway he still denies it but I've made up my mind that I can't rust him no matter what he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Share Posted July 17, 2010 I miss my ex again.. i keep having dreams about him... i think i still love him what am i gonna do.. should i contact him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Share Posted July 17, 2010 why do i keep dreaming about him? how am i ever gonna stop this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 17, 2010 Author Share Posted July 17, 2010 can some one please give me some tips on how to control my anger.. i feel like i just want to scream at him and yell at him for all the wrong he has done to me.. i have so many conflicting feelings i just cant take it... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 18, 2010 Share Posted July 18, 2010 can some one please give me some tips on how to control my anger.. i feel like i just want to scream at him and yell at him for all the wrong he has done to me.. i have so many conflicting feelings i just cant take it... here the secret... no one can MAKE me feel anything - i do that to myself. soooo, stop giving him that power over you. it's as simple as that. you care more than he does - that's why it looks back wards. stop caring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 sunny or anyone i need help!!! Ok so today I went to the beach with a friend.. was a nice day layed in the sun whatever.. We were walking back to the beach and I hear a very familure laugh come from a Bar deck across the street. I know that laugh from anywhere and sure enough it was my x!!! I had no idea he would be at the beach and this beach is about 60 miles, an hour away from home... I couldn't believe it.. I don't know if he seen me i think he may have. He was with his cousin and of course his drug addict friends. So now since i seen him i cant stop talking about it or thinking about it and wonder if i should text him or something.. i feel jolted again and my heart is hurting... it knocked the wind out of me... i feel every emotion anger hate, sadness.. I just don't know what to do.. I have been great with NC and i am stubborn that i shouldn't talk to him. I feel NC is the only power i have to neutralize this. He wanted to stay friends and hang out and talk and text still and was upset that he thought i was never gonna talk to him again, and from what i heard from people he was depressed about it and seemed down..so few months ago stupid me called him.. then he was acting the same way so i cut it off again and was more adamant about NC. I feel NC should be helping me move on,, though i still feel jolted and think about him often and don't know why i keep running into him.. I always think NC is a good way to netrulize his manipulation over me.. GOD PLEASE HELP ME I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE.. I WAS DOING GREAT FOR MONTHS AND NOW THIS ALL OVER AGAIN... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 19, 2010 Share Posted July 19, 2010 NC is good - and you should stick to it unless you intend to invite a druggy back into your daily life. what he does or doesn't do won't ever make sense to you. it's designed that way on purpose. get busy staying waaaaaay too busy doing fun stuff. take a few classes. find hobbies, exercise etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted July 19, 2010 Author Share Posted July 19, 2010 Lol thats what i was trying to do today.. i figured it get out of the house go up north for an hour drive with a friend, have a nice afternoon out go for a cocktail and dinner after the beach.. and BANG I got shot POINT BLANK between the eyes.. there he was across the street.. Is fate pushing me to talk to him.. I mean i have been running into him more the past month than i did since our break up.. i never ran into him..i don't know if he seen me or not... what if im wrong about the drugs.. He doesn't fit the normal description, he doesn't push his family away that im aware of... Is it because i was closest to him and was questioning him and pressuring him to stay away from those people.. Was it wrong of me to ask him to stay away from those people or was i controlling by saying he shouldn't hang around drug addicts... what did i do wrong that i get treated like this.. im a good person i cant for the love of god understand what is wrong that he treats me like this and threw me aside.. what is so great about those people.. they use him and he thinks they are his real friends.. they conspired against me cause i was in their way and manipulted him and told him i was controlling him and changing him and he took their side what the **** is wrong oh my god i am in so much pain. i cant take it... pleaseeeee i need help Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 hey confused. i was the one asking about the 12 step program for those of us in love and addicted to what we had and lost and not coping well. this is an old post i see. what is the update on your situation? please write back Link to post Share on other sites
SadKitty78 Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 Aaaawww....hugs to you! I'm missing my ex right now and it was over alcohol! He was on a relapse when we met. I'll just cut and paste what I wrote from my own thread but: After several weeks of dating, he confessed he had been sent to rehab at 15, dealt with sobriety for many years, but relapsed, one blackout session to the next, then he got a DUI (driving under the influence) and moved to my area for rehab and sober living. By the time he met me, was on a drinking binge again, had just come home from a trip to a tropical beach island in SE Asia where he drank and partied on the beach. At first I didn't think he drank more than any of my friends, but overtime, I found myself drinking more and more with him and then culminating in one night where he, while in blackout mode, put us into a pretty risky situation and acted as if I wasn't with him! That lead to me leaving, him begging and promising to work on sobriety, I stayed and for a week and a half we did healthy activities like hiking, meditation, working out, and then...then he suddenly pushes me away, makes up lies about where he was. He said he was going to stay in one night but he was actually out with his friends drinking! I confronted him on this and that lead to him telling me he was not in a place to be in a relationship right now (which I pretty much agree) and that he had too many issues to work out and didn't want to lead me on! I'm truly devastated. He has hurt many women in his path, a strewn of women he loved and left, even one he was in a long term relationship with during his sobriety period...just one after another, he'd get close and leave them. I thought I was different, that we would be different, but I was wrong. Oh so wrong..... And now I'm in the same boat! I hope you're able to work out your issues, but I must say any type of addiction is extremely difficult to "fix" and he really might need to hit rock bottom before he stops and sometimes being with an addict may impede their ability to work on recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Share Posted August 8, 2010 So he text me at 3 am.. i Didn't text him and he feels the need to tell me that he is in Chicago.. probably with his friends.. one em used to live there..I don't see why he need to tell me this..asked why he was there he said he is on vacation.. then he text me "your the best" and i said it would be nice if u meant that.. and i got no response..and then i text him i had enough of his bs.. and didn't want him to ever text me till he decided he ever wanted to work things out with me.. what a bunch of bs? what do u think of this? Why did he have the need to text me that and tell me.. and the other morning before that he text me at 5:30 am wich i thought was odd..what is going on here.If he is on vacation.. why does he feel the need to text me.. I NEVER test him first.. i don't see what he is trying to do Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 8, 2010 Share Posted August 8, 2010 So he text me at 3 am.. i Didn't text him and he feels the need to tell me that he is in Chicago.. probably with his friends.. one em used to live there..I don't see why he need to tell me this..asked why he was there he said he is on vacation.. then he text me "your the best" and i said it would be nice if u meant that.. and i got no response..and then i text him i had enough of his bs.. and didn't want him to ever text me till he decided he ever wanted to work things out with me.. what a bunch of bs? what do u think of this? Why did he have the need to text me that and tell me.. and the other morning before that he text me at 5:30 am wich i thought was odd..what is going on here.If he is on vacation.. why does he feel the need to text me.. I NEVER test him first.. i don't see what he is trying to do he's a druggy - they stay up all night long... you are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. until he texts you that he's been clean and sober for a year or two and he's a completely changed person - there is nothing to talk about. delete his number. block him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 10, 2010 Author Share Posted August 10, 2010 its so tough. He really the first person i ever loved. I just have a hard time believing he would give up something so good for drugs and I know i say it a lot but he didn't fit the stereo type of a drug user..he text me again last night.. i didn't answer he just simply text my name..of course it was like 5am Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Share Posted August 27, 2010 ex's birthday is comming up in a few days.. should i wish him a happy birthday or no?? will he think im mean and that i dont care about him if i don text him? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 IMO, don't acknowledge his birthday and care less about what he thinks. He's just background noise now, like the rest of the world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Share Posted August 27, 2010 I kind of feel bad.. i know on my birthday i was waiting to see if he would call and he did leave me a message and meant alot to me.. but i wasnt the one that put him through so much stress and played his emotions Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 27, 2010 Share Posted August 27, 2010 Can you identify with the text in my signature line? I've walked that path, many years ago and recently. Caring too much. Forgiving too easily. Forgetting too quickly. Cruel life lessons, but good ones. I didn't read your whole thread, but I can sense the tone. You're a good person. Sometimes, being a good person means caring less and letting go. Accepting the realities of life, and death, in this case, the death of who you were while you loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Share Posted August 27, 2010 I just feel bad. I feel mean by not wishing him a happy birthday.. again he will say that i dont care about him and that his drug addicted friends care more about him because they wished him a happy birthday.. and blah blah Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused728 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Share Posted August 27, 2010 What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted August 28, 2010 Share Posted August 28, 2010 hi. yikes. call me crazy but if you feel that strongly about wishing him a happy b-day...then do it so you made peace with yourself...not HIM. do it for YOU. i would find a time to wish him it when you KNOW he wont pick up a phone ..if you want to do voice. BUT the best thing would be text. email and then dont respond to his response. but to just say it and get it over with. even if he is a jerk. sometimes...there is this thing that calls to us. and its not always..not ALWAYs stupidity. sometimes we can do things in a higher calling for ourselves and like us for us...by being the better people we are. but that doesnt me being a push over. happy b-day wont make his whole life change. youre not giving him your mind body and soul. its words...words of well wishes. nothing more. if you think like that and you BELIEVE it and live it that way. it wont have to bother you and you can say..he didnt control you. you did what you wanted to at the time. good luck. and if you change your mind..then dont do it. case in point be who you are and if you feel you cant and wont be hurt by it. just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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