Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I have to say I am disappointed in the way some of the threads have turned in the past two days or so. I have been seeing personal attacks and name calling, finger pointing and blame laying. Thing is, NONE of us would be here if we were in perfect, wonderful, totally honest relationships. ALL of us here are broken in some way, whether by our own actions, or by actions perpetrated against us by someone we loved and trusted. No matter which side of the triangle (or square) you are on, this board is supposed to be a place to learn from others, to get advice, and hopefully to heal. I am an OW, and some of the best advice and most compassionate comments I have recieved here has come from BW. It is because we have chosen to see each other as human beings, and looked beyond our positions in the triangle to find the person in pain and in need of tenderness, that we are able to offer each other support and kindness. What do you all think we can do to work past the name calling and personal attacks and make this a safe and helpful place for all of us to heal? Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I have to say I am disappointed in the way some of the threads have turned in the past two days or so. I have been seeing personal attacks and name calling, finger pointing and blame laying. Thing is, NONE of us would be here if we were in perfect, wonderful, totally honest relationships. ALL of us here are broken in some way, whether by our own actions, or by actions perpetrated against us by someone we loved and trusted. No matter which side of the triangle (or square) you are on, this board is supposed to be a place to learn from others, to get advice, and hopefully to heal. I am an OW, and some of the best advice and most compassionate comments I have recieved here has come from BW. It is because we have chosen to see each other as human beings, and looked beyond our positions in the triangle to find the person in pain and in need of tenderness, that we are able to offer each other support and kindness. What do you all think we can do to work past the name calling and personal attacks and make this a safe and helpful place for all of us to heal? Suggestions? You're awesome, Fallen, you know that? The only suggestion I have is that those with a differing opinion offer that opinion without criticism or judgement. If the poster doesn't agree, then move on. Also, if you are a BS and have difficulty hearing the stories that are on this particular board, then don't post. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 funny you should post this... I just posted the thread from a few weeks ago in another thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t204288/ I am seeing a lot of name calling from those that don't like the advise given to them. I have actually seen a lot less name calling TO the OW and a lot more name calling from OW who don't like the advise given. I know it is hard and frustrating when going through the end of an affair. There are so many great people here who have been through all of it and I think they are just really trying to help those who are in the beginning stages of the end. I actually think when you see name calling (which is different from harsh/direct advice), report it and then kinda call the poster out on it. Not in a mean way, but in a "hey, let's not name call" or "I know you are feeling vulnerable right now, but try to not take your anger out on XX". I think at times we all need to be reminded to chill. Just my thoughts........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 You're awesome, Fallen, you know that? The only suggestion I have is that those with a differing opinion offer that opinion without criticism or judgement. If the poster doesn't agree, then move on. Also, if you are a BS and have difficulty hearing the stories that are on this particular board, then don't post. I do not want to label this as a problem with BS. Like I said the person here who has been kindest to me is a BS. It is coming from ALL sides, and I think we as a community need to figure out how to share our opinions with KINDNESS. I have seen two new posters who may leave and not get the support they need because people are being unnecessarily cruel. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I do not want to label this as a problem with BS. Like I said the person here who has been kindest to me is a BS. It is coming from ALL sides, and I think we as a community need to figure out how to share our opinions with KINDNESS. I have seen two new posters who may leave and not get the support they need because people are being unnecessarily cruel. *sigh* No, I agree. I have valued the opinions of the BS's a great deal. I am referring to the newer members that appear to be BSs and may not realize that this forum can be extremely difficult for them to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 MY best suggestion is that if someone does start "picking on you" or trying to start a "fight" that you just thank them for their opinion and then STOP RESPONDING TO THEM! I know it is hurtful, and sometimes hard to see what they say, but there can be no fight if both sides do not "rise to the occasion". (have you ever tried to argue with someone who just flatly refuses to argue back? Trust me, that is one lesson My MM has taught me well, that it takes two to make a fight! He refuses to argue back, so it never escalates!) I hope we can all keep in mind that we are all injured in some way, and find tenderness in your heart even for those who refuse to show you any. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 MY best suggestion is that if someone does start "picking on you" or trying to start a "fight" that you just thank them for their opinion and then STOP RESPONDING TO THEM! I know it is hurtful, and sometimes hard to see what they say, but there can be no fight if both sides do not "rise to the occasion". (have you ever tried to argue with someone who just flatly refuses to argue back? Trust me, that is one lesson My MM has taught me well, that it takes two to make a fight! He refuses to argue back, so it never escalates!) I hope we can all keep in mind that we are all injured in some way, and find tenderness in your heart even for those who refuse to show you any. Okay, Fallen. Because of you and Fooled I am going to restrain myself from saying what I really want to say on a few other threads. You are right. It's not going to go anywhere positive. And Fooled, you are right... not everyone new knows that stories. I'm out. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 You're awesome, Fallen, you know that? The only suggestion I have is that those with a differing opinion offer that opinion without criticism or judgement. If the poster doesn't agree, then move on. Also, if you are a BS and have difficulty hearing the stories that are on this particular board, then don't post. I gotta disagree with you NWTH -- people will always have judgments. Human nature. Like that saying "He without sin should cast the first stone". We all have sinned in one way or another. I think everyone brings value to the site -- no matter what side you are on. I do believe every Betrayed Spouse can post wherever they want. I think to tell them they can't isn't right. I see much more name calling and nasty toned posts lately from OW, newer ones. They get a post they don't like the response to and off it starts with name calling and all that. I get that OW are very hurt for the most part when they arrive here. Their Affairs are dwindling down, the MM is vanishing.... they are hurt. Understandably. We all need to remember we all have an opinion, and while some are direct and some are less direct, we can all freely give our opinion as long as it is within the site guidelines. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 MY best suggestion is that if someone does start "picking on you" or trying to start a "fight" that you just thank them for their opinion and then STOP RESPONDING TO THEM! I know it is hurtful, and sometimes hard to see what they say, but there can be no fight if both sides do not "rise to the occasion". (have you ever tried to argue with someone who just flatly refuses to argue back? Trust me, that is one lesson My MM has taught me well, that it takes two to make a fight! He refuses to argue back, so it never escalates!) I hope we can all keep in mind that we are all injured in some way, and find tenderness in your heart even for those who refuse to show you any. Excellent advice! Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I gotta disagree with you NWTH -- people will always have judgments. Human nature. Like that saying "He without sin should cast the first stone". We all have sinned in one way or another. I think everyone brings value to the site -- no matter what side you are on. I do believe every Betrayed Spouse can post wherever they want. I think to tell them they can't isn't right. I see much more name calling and nasty toned posts lately from OW, newer ones. They get a post they don't like the response to and off it starts with name calling and all that. I get that OW are very hurt for the most part when they arrive here. Their Affairs are dwindling down, the MM is vanishing.... they are hurt. Understandably. We all need to remember we all have an opinion, and while some are direct and some are less direct, we can all freely give our opinion as long as it is within the site guidelines. I don't disagree with anything you wrote. What I meant was I can only imagine how hard it must be for a BS to come onto this site and read how much pain the OW is in when they are experiencing a pain so much worse. I don't begrudge them if they are angry. I have seen some BSs that were unaware what this forum was for. After they've realized it they moved on to spare themselves having to read these stories. I have gotten invaluable advice from BSs. I don't want them to stop posting here. You're right. So much pain and hurt. On all sides. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Ok friends. I'm all for stopping the bashing and the name calling and whatever. but i just read a post where everyone was thanking each other for their replies and using cute little smiley faces and hearts and stuff. cant we find a happy medium? just sort of post what your thinking...dont be too overly hateful...but still say what you really feel? and i'm all for lovey dovey smiles and hearts but lets be honest. we're talking about some pretty harsh stuff here. sometimes theres going to be stuff thats hard to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Ok friends. I'm all for stopping the bashing and the name calling and whatever. but i just read a post where everyone was thanking each other for their replies and using cute little smiley faces and hearts and stuff. cant we find a happy medium? just sort of post what your thinking...dont be too overly hateful...but still say what you really feel? and i'm all for lovey dovey smiles and hearts but lets be honest. we're talking about some pretty harsh stuff here. sometimes theres going to be stuff thats hard to swallow. LMAO! I guess that is part of our problem, we live life in one extreme or the other with very little middle ground, perhaps if we learn to live somewhere in the middle we would ALL be better off. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 i know...i wasnt trying to say anything bad. i promise. i really think it was time to at least cut back on the hatred a little bit. but i benefit from the brutal honesty of this board (and i think it can be done without being hateful). Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I have to say I am disappointed in the way some of the threads have turned in the past two days or so. I have been seeing personal attacks and name calling, finger pointing and blame laying. Thing is, NONE of us would be here if we were in perfect, wonderful, totally honest relationships. ALL of us here are broken in some way, whether by our own actions, or by actions perpetrated against us by someone we loved and trusted. No matter which side of the triangle (or square) you are on, this board is supposed to be a place to learn from others, to get advice, and hopefully to heal. I am an OW, and some of the best advice and most compassionate comments I have recieved here has come from BW. It is because we have chosen to see each other as human beings, and looked beyond our positions in the triangle to find the person in pain and in need of tenderness, that we are able to offer each other support and kindness. What do you all think we can do to work past the name calling and personal attacks and make this a safe and helpful place for all of us to heal? Suggestions? How about for starter, you change that from "am" to "was" and stop messing around with someone's husband. Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Fallen Angel- this is a great post!! I too agree that there is way too much hatred here and yes, the topics addressed are very hard to handle. I too have received great advice from members on here and a lot of hatred too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 How about for starter, you change that from "am" to "was" and stop messing around with someone's husband. Thank You for taking the time to leave a comment with your opinion. I will take what you have to say into consideration. Have a good night. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Thank You for taking the time to leave a comment with your opinion. I will take what you have to say into consideration. Have a good night. WOW, Fallen Angel! You're a rock! Seriously! Good Job! Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Thank You for taking the time to leave a comment with your opinion. I will take what you have to say into consideration. Have a good night. Sure you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 WOW, Fallen Angel! You're a rock! Seriously! Good Job! One can only try. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 One can only try. Yes... ignoring works too! Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen12 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Yes... ignoring works too! That's what you do best, isn't it. Ignore the fact of what you have done and pretend it never happened. Sometime, ignoring the truth is not the best way to go. Just putting your head in the sand does not make the truth and reality go away. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 One can only try. Fallen, thanks for starting this thread... How are things going with you? Any news? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Fallen, thanks for starting this thread... How are things going with you? Any news? Things are about the same, I am trying to work on me and fix what is broken inside of myself before making any huge decisions (changes) in my life. I am seeking a counselor. A friend of mine just gave me the card of someone she says is wonderful, and we called and set an appointment for me for next week. My MM is working out of town, has been gone for over two weeks, while we are still having several phone calls a day the physical distance is helpful in clearing my head. When he gets back, I plan on having a serious conversation with him about the "state of affairs". (ugh, that was not a funny pun ) I do not know what I will say exactly, except that I was not built to be an OW, it is just not in my nature, so something has got to give. *shrug* We will see. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Fallen Angel - good for you! Ok everyone. there will be a huge moment of silence when i say this...BUT.... so as hard as this NC thing is, and as much as i miss him, im starting to see the leopard for his spots AND I do feel better being out of that OW position. the three years i spent there left me bruised and battered. i was a strong woman before this and maybe i can be again. (ok now dont be surprised when i'm crying my pitiful eyes out again in a few minutes) Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Things are about the same, I am trying to work on me and fix what is broken inside of myself before making any huge decisions (changes) in my life. I am seeking a counselor. A friend of mine just gave me the card of someone she says is wonderful, and we called and set an appointment for me for next week. My MM is working out of town, has been gone for over two weeks, while we are still having several phone calls a day the physical distance is helpful in clearing my head. When he gets back, I plan on having a serious conversation with him about the "state of affairs". (ugh, that was not a funny pun ) I do not know what I will say exactly, except that I was not built to be an OW, it is just not in my nature, so something has got to give. *shrug* We will see. Well, the counsellor will help. Mine has been a true gift in terms of getting my head straight about what's important and what needs to be let go. Go into it being completely open about everything and you'll get a lot back. I know this is all really hard on you. Your situation is not easy. But remember, you are stronger than you think. Keep posting! I'm here if you need me! Link to post Share on other sites
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