What do you do when you love someone but they aren't sure how they feel about you?

[jwerthgirl3]

This is my first time posting on this site. I need some advice though. See, I dated this guy for 3 and half years. We

 

recently broke up a few months ago. But, we still keep in touch. I still see him and we go do things for fun every once

 

in a while. While we were together all those years, he never really did much. We were always together. Well, he

 

joined the Marine Reserves and has been gone quite a few times. But we've always managed to stay together. Until

 

this September. He has moved in with a bunch of his guy cousins and has made alot of friends (most of them girls). I

 

still love him with all my heart. And I know he still cares about me. But, he is interested in someone else, yet he has

 

told me that she doesn't like him that way and that they are just friends. He still see's her and hangs out with her and

 

their friends. For one, this really bothers me, even when nothing is going on with them. And two, what am I supposed

 

to do? I really do feel that since I was his first "real" girlfriend, that he wants to see what else is out there. How do I

 

let him go? Especially since I still see him and talk to him. People tell me that if he loves me and I let him go he will

 

come back if it is meant to be. But, I don't know how to do that. Do I have any hope? I really feel like he is the one for

 

me. Should I leave him alone or try to keep showing how I feel? Or what?! Totally confused! Please help me if you

 

can! Thanks : )

[honkas]

You should tell him how you feel!! At least he will know, better then him not knowing at all i believe!!

But, then you should probably tell him that it is hurting you alot seeing him with other women and that you will need to distance yourself from him because of the pain.

This will give you time to start developing your own interests again, relecting, and start filling the whole in your life with things that interest you. If he realises he will come back. Don't shut him off just yet, just give yourselves time...

 

Look within yourself, search within yourself and truly find what you want. Meet new people! Join some clubs of personal interest...

It will be tough, but at least you won't set yourself up for a big fall if it doesn't go your way, if it goes your way great.. at least you will have him, and hopefully some new friends as well..

 

But, time!! Time is the key..

[jwerthgirl3]

I have told him how I feel. But, I feel that he doesn't really listen. Which could be because I bother him so much.

 

Now that I have definetely told him how I feel, should I just leave him completely alone and tell him to do the

 

same? Or should I keep in touch with him like I've been doing? Is there hope

[honkas]

Just give him some time. Leave him alone, tell him that you will give him space. It is obviously hurting you too much, and if you keep doing this to yourself it is not going to help.

 

Just some time and distance. Give yourselves some time to breathe. Really try and give him some space, tell him that you are giving him space. But you won't wait forever... try not to let him know you are waiting desperately for him to come back...

 

In the mean time, find stuff to do.. keep yourself amused as much as possible, see friends, make new friends... good luck

[CanadianBornCutie]

I totally feel for you! i'm in the same boat as you, if you read my earlier post you'll understand, I have people constantly telling me to let him go and he'll come back etc, but he still wants to see me on a regular basis when he has time, all i know is that he's confused right now, and i've stopped trying to figure him out because i can't, he can't even figure himself out, he needs to go on and figure out his life, i always think, don't give up on him or you relationship, but don't give up on the rest of the things in life, i'm totally in the same situation and it's easier said than done! Keep in touch!

[jwerthgirl3]

"Canadianborncutie", It is so weird what you just posted. Everything you say is exactly what I am going through! Only, is he wanting to see other people? My ex claims that he just wants to be alone right now and doesn't want to date other people. Yet, he sort of likes someone that he is just friends with. Nothings happening with it, but I know if he had the chance he would try to go out on a date with her. It just breaks my heart! I don't know really how to leave him alone. He is such a great guy! I don't want to lose him for good! Anyone have any suggestions as to how to leave him alone. Ever since we were together I've sort of forgotten how to do things on my own. And how to make friends, etc. I guess that's what happens when you only want one person in your life. It's true that it is easier said than done! Thanks everyone! ---Jennifer

[CanadianBornCutie]

I totally understand! As for him seeing other people,he says he has to see if i'm truly the one for him,but yes he's looked at other girls, probably talked to them and stuff but he really doesn't have time, i haven't reached that hurdle yet. But i think also it's scary for a guy to start thinking commitment and being with only ONE person,right now i think in your situation and mine that they just need to figure out their own lives.

 

Right now, i'll see him when i have time, but i don't expect him to be likehow we were dating, but spendtime with friends, work, school........

 

keep me updated! i know i'll be updating this forum too!

[HokeyReligions]

It sounds like you are all holding on in the hope that these guys will return to you. Why not try dating others yourselves? You don't have to make a commitment to anyone, or go to bed with anyone, but you might meet some nice guys, have some fun, enjoy a little romance and learn more about yourselves. It doesn't mean that you have to let go completely if you are not ready to do that.

 

Just be honest with the other guys you date and tell them that you are just out of a relationship and not ready to commit, but would like to casually date and have fun. Don't transfer you longing for your ex to a new guy, just relax. Go to a movie with someone new, or to an amusement park, or skating or something. Just getting out and holding hands with someone new will make you feel better about yourselves and reinforce that you are individuals and attractive to others. Don't do it as a trick to get the ex back or make him jealous - honestly have some fun for yourself.

 

It might help you get over your ex, or it might help you communicate better with your ex because you will have new things to talk about, and it might even help you understand how the ex feels about not wanting a commitment. It's YOUR life - don't hinge it on waiting for someone else.

[jwerthgirl3]

To "HokeyReligions" reply: Of course I'm holding out hope that my ex will return to me. But, I have to tell you, it's hard to just up and leave someone for good when you've been through alot with them and have been with them for a very long time. Plus, you couldn't possibly to really begin to know exactly where I am coming from since you don't know everthing about our relationship. But, it is nice of you to help in giving advice. And believe me, I don't just sit around the phone just waiting on him to call. I do have a life. A small one, but I do. At this moment, I am finished with guys. Dating other people is not going to help me figure out who I am. I pretty much already know who I am. I have for a long time. I'm just not exactly the same without my ex. He made me feel like a better person. Anyway, for anyone who might want an update with him and I. After I got off work at 10Pm last night he had left a message asking me if I wanted to go eat with him when I get off work. So, I called him and we ended up going to get something to eat. He didn't want to go home so we just drove around town. After finally going back to his place, we sat in the car talking. This is pretty much everything he told me: that if we ever ended up getting back together it will always be more than just dating. Since we've been together for a long time in the first place and then if we started dating again and we were together for a long time he claims that we would eventually have to get married because if you're with someone for that long then you owe it them to get married. But, he is so confused right now with his schooling and jobs and the military. And what will happen when schools out and he has the chance to move for a job if it comes up. He doesn't want to have to worry about having someone else in his life. But, I told him that wouldn't have to be a factor. The job I will be getting is something I can do anywhere and it is a growing occupation. Plus, if we didn't end up moving together there is always long distance relationship until something could be figured out. I still need to tell him that. Anyway, he is sooooo confused with everthing right now. He isn't really interested in anybody, that's what he told me. Now if it's true I don't know cause I haven't been around him and other girls. But, that would break my heart if he is and not telling me! I asked him if I should just leave him alone completely if that would help him. He said it wouldn't, all it would do is let him get used to not being around me. He told me he likes being around me. Which makes me even more confused! Plus, when we are together like last night it feels like we are together-together! At least he's opening up more and letting me in. I think I just push him further away when I fight with him about things that bother me that really shoudn't! Lately I haven't been doing that. And that's why he talked to me. I guess I'm done for now. I'd appreciate any thoughts. Sorry if it was too long! I had a lot on my mind! Thanks! --Jennifer

[princess75]

Well, I have been reading this msgs for a while now. I am also in the same boat but I will tell you my experience. When my 2 year old bf and me broke up we were fighting a lot the last month, so I wanted it to still work. HE was all confused and did not want to, he said it was over. I was so shattered I even begged for us to come back. But that did not happen. He started going out with a gal soon after that (2 weeks) and I was torn. He messed his studies, he started getting drunk, and I wanted to even be there just so he doesnt mess his life, even though I was hurt for all the situation. Everyone told me to leave him till he comes back, casue if he loves me he would. Now well, I didnt listen I just wanted to hang around patiently....he is a very good guy, but things got worse. I have not even forced him to be back with me nor anything, didnt do any of the crazy stuff, jsut was open with my heart. Now the result, after 1 month of breakup....he is still going out with the other gal, and he still calls me up. I have not had the courage to tell him that it hurts casue he jsut wont listen. He has also said the one he loves is me and the other one is just liking, but he still wants to be with her. Now this in my logical sense is too much for someone who claims to love you, even though I would have waited patiently....I think once the guy is gone let ..him go. If you want to check and see if they are ok..go ahead..but DO NOT expect coming back. DO NOT live in the past, only in the present. DO NOT live in the future either. Make sure you gals be happy with whatever you gals are doing, be happy yourself then the right one will come by. Even if that person is still your ex. My ex bf is totally confused still and I know it, but I have learnt to let go. I wish it would still work out, I even know that even if he is with another gal, if he woud come right now I would try the relationship again, but then again...why live in something not real. By hanging out there, you both are losing meeting new people ...I am doing the same as you gals and it was pointless. To clap you need both hands...for a relationship to work you also need both people. NO mattter how confused these guys are, if they are not seeing their other half (you gals), then they are not ready for what you gals want. Basically bad timing. YOu can be friends, but be so till the point where it doesnt hurt you gals, and also step back and make it a 1 to 1 friendship..meaning you call them, then dont call them again till they call you..etc. So in that way even if you both are back the foundations are good and not one chasing the other. Make them work for it, and maybe they will also value it more. Besides dont hold on what it was ..but what it is now. And remember there is only one constant in life and that is CHANGE.

[jwerthgirl3]

I know what you all are saying. But, it simply isn't that easy to just move on. Which brings me to something that happened yesterday. My "ex-boyfriend" and I went to his nephews 2nd birthday. I'd seen him earlier that week and we had acted like normal people around each other. Well, yesterday, at the party he was really loving and told me that he missed me. Yet, when I tried to talk to him today about certain things he really didn't want to talk or didn't really try. I don't know if he realizes that he did that but him telling me that he misses me makes me so confused! If he won't talk to me, then maybe someone on here can help with it? Does that mean there is hope or what??? Someone, if you could please help me! Also, I have to go to another family party with him tomorrow. What kind of things do I talk about with his family since we aren't together? I saw some of them yesterday and it seemed fine. But, there will be even more of them there tomorrow! What do I say? How do I act? If someone or someone's could help me with these problems ASAP that would be great! If not, that's ok too. They're not really problems just something I'm trying to figure out! Anyway, thanks! --Jenn.

[adamsb]

My situation is very close to yours except I am the guy and she left me. Let me tell you something...I know you are holding on to a hope that things will go back to normal. I do it too. My ex still lives here and when she comes home she treats me in some circumstances like I'm still the boyfriend...she expects me to look after the car, catch spiders, etc. But then she lives a total party life outside and refuses to tell me anything. What I have finally realized after two months probably applies to you girls - your ex is shopping around. They did love you to death but have decided that they want to see what else is available and are hanging on to you just in case as a fallback. My girlfriend sends mixed messages constantly - says I'm her best friend but won't go anywhere with me and NEVER EVER invites me out with her new friends or lets me know what is going on in her new life. But she comes back to the apartment I paid for over three years and drives around her car I struggled to make payments on when she was in school.

 

You have to move on because this person is essentially holding on slightly to you until they find someone else to be comfortable with and then they will cut your string completely. Its to ease their mind so they can convince themselves they didn't cheat on you but can't you see its almost the same? They are "sort of" broken up with you while trying to start a new relationship with another person. And let me tell you - when that time comes when the string is cut for good....that is going to hurt you so badly you can't believe. You hbave to make a move no matter how hard it is. And I understand all your feelings and the hope you hold on to. Believe me us guys get this done to us all too often. It kind of seems to me like many people out there these days have the attitude that your GF or BF is only about "how much can you give me?" and if someone comes along who is better looking or has more money, etc then they feel no responsiblity or remorse and move on, manipulating you and playing your feelings the whole time. But they are just using you as a fallback because if things don't work out they still know what they can get from you and that is better than nothing.