Mom "troubles"?

[mintjulep]

I spent Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's (nearly entire) extended family this year. Last year, it was just me and him at his uncle's place, but this year, his parents, his sister, and his sister's boyfriend joined the group. I didn't remember, because I had such a great time last year, but his uncle's house is a terrible place for me to stay because of my asthma. My boyfriend's aunt smokes in the house and she keeps pets, too. I don't think we will be staying there anymore, so if the issue comes up next year, I have an excuse to bow out, so there is no real problem, but here's what happened:

My boyfriend's mother is kind of...overbearing. I suppose she's suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome, since my boyfriend's sister left for college. Well, whenever my boyfriend left the room for more than fifteen minutes, she would freak out and want to know where he was. Whenever she'd see him, she'd grab his cheeks and kiss him all over his face and say embarrassing things about him (she would mention stories from his childhood, etc). Keep in mind that he's Twenty-two years old. Now, at first I just sort of sat there and shifted uncomfortably until it was over (she does this in front of the entire family, and even does it in public sometimes, like at dinner or when we're shopping), but it happened so often, I had to fess up to my boy. I told him that it made me uncomfortable when she did this in front of me, and I asked if it embarrassed him when she did this in front of everyone (I know I would be). He says that he wasn't, until I mentioned it, but that he understands why I feel weird, and not to feel guilty about putting the "shame" into his head. Unfortunately, we were deep in discussion one night, and I was getting a little...passionate about it. His mother came up during the discussion and asked me what was wrong, because I was visibly upset (not angry, just...frustrated). She persisted and would not let me leave until I told her what was wrong. I told her that it was something that her daughter had said during dinner, and that Jeff and I were discussing this, and it had upset me (not a lie, but definitely not what we were discussing). She hugged me and walked me through the problem like my mom would have, and if I hadn't felt so guilty, I would have loved her for that, but she was the real problem

He's going to talk to her about this when he goes home for Christmas (probably through his father, to spare her feelings...what's the consensus on that?). Is she going to realize that this was my problem and hate me? I know that he wouldn't have said anything about her embarrassing tactics if I didn't feel weird about it. Am I wrong to feel uncomfortable when she does this? She's done it when I'm talking to him, and interrupts us to do this with (to?) him. She really is a wonderful woman, she's just incredibly overbearing. I mean...I can't stand my own family for three days without rest. My boyfriend and I have worked out a system for next year (we even left early this year, which really put his mom off...but I swear, if I hadn't left when I had, I would have had to hurt someone, plus I was wheezing all the time in that house, so overbearing family aside, I had to get out of there). I guess I kind of want to know, as a girlfriend as opposed to a spouse, how much do I have to put up with? I'm a very independent person, and my family life is so different from his. I love my family tremendously, but they're not telling me I have to buy a house in the suburbs, or that I can't leave the country (my boyfriend and I have flirted with the idea of living overseas for a year or two), and if they did, I'd be pissed. It's one thing to offer opinions, and quite another to tell a person, even your children, what to do (imho). It's fine that she's planning his future, sort of, because as far as she knows, I'm not a part of it, and if he's okay with her doing so, whatever, but that's just it...when my boyfriend and I talk, I am a part of that future. I want to know if I should just tune all of this out, and ignore the kisses and the overbearingness, or if I should try to do something (something non-violent, and hopefully non-offensive - and probably through my boy?) because I'm afraid that when my boyfriend and I end up together it will be harder to break a pattern.

Any thoughts?

 

P.S. - His sister and I got along beautifully this weekend, and honestly? - Thanksgiving was a blast. It wasn't until Friday (the third day) when we had spent two and a half WHOLE days with his family that I started feeling restless. Then, his mom guilt tripped us about leaving early to go have dinner in the city without mom kissing him all over in public again I'm okay with this now that I've distanced myself from it, but I know it's going to be a problem - especially in a year and a half. Unless someone out there thinks it's just the ENS talking, and that this woman will have recovered by then

[lostforwords]

mintjulep..... if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this guy..... and a happy life.... my suggestion is.... dont nit pick between him and his mother or family period!!!.... you have to pick and choose your battles because one day when something does happen to be very wrong.... and you decide to air your opinion or frustration about it.... they may just think oh its her just bitching again.... and not even take you serious anymore... perhaps even worse and totally not even regard you.... its unfair (in my opinion) that you also bring up how his mom treats him... the kisses the hugging etc.... this is her son..... and if he doesnt mind then you dont need to concern yourself over it.... cuz to me it sounds like you want to be the MAIN or HEAD woman in his life.... and whats going to happen is hes going to feel like hes being pulled from all directions... and trust me when i say... you dont want to be the one he says im sorry but my family means alot to me and i just cant take this overvbearing from you any longer..... think of it this way..... his mother riased him with her for how many years?.. 18? in her house..... and now hes with you... and im guessing you 2 plan on spending the rest of your lives together... thats like about 50 years!!!... do you see the difference?.. cut the woman some slack.... youll save yourself some future problems as well as now. Good luck with you!!!

[mintjulep]

I hear you, but the fact that his mother kisses him, etc. doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that she will do this while I'm talking to him. It's not even that it's his mother, really. How would you like it if everytime you spoke to someone (a significant other, a friend, a sibling, a parent) another person would interrupt you and steal their attention. And excuse me, but when public displays of affection are happening, it's everyone's business, especially if it happens frequently. It also bothers me that his sister and her boyfriend practically make out on the couch, but I didn't mention that to him because that is none of my business because even though it makes me uncomfortable as a person in the room, they're not actually interrupting me. I know that moimeme would agree that I have displayed control issues in the past regarding his mother, but apart from the apartment thing, we used to get along very well. I'm sorry, but I can't heed your advice. This has nothing to do with being the HEAD or MAIN woman in his life. She can hug and kiss him all she wants, but it doesn't change the fact that it makes me (and other family members who have brought it up) uncomfortable. Besides, like you said, she raised him for 17 years in her house. Now, she's trying to tell him where to live, how to work, what to do with his life, his apartment, his credit card applications. I'm sorry, but regardless of me and anyone who might be in his future, isn't there a point where you're supposed to let go and let your children figure their own lives out? When I say that I want to be a part of his decisions, I mean that I want to support him and hear him out, not tell him what to do. What really bothers me here is that she's either including me in this supposed future she's making up (which wouldn't surprise me becuase when she mentions where he will be living in ten years, she's addressing "us" in that she will look at me and him and tell us just what we'll be doing with our lives, something my mom has never done). I don't let my parents tell me what to do, and I don't want to be in a relationship where his parents are telling me what to do. You missed the point, or I wasn't clear. Either way I'm not sure, but my second post was the one I wanted to be read. I don't know if it would help to read that one instead.

 

So. Anyone want to actually help me?

[lostforwords]

Well, whenever my boyfriend left the room for more than fifteen minutes, she would freak out and want to know where he was. Whenever she'd see him, she'd grab his cheeks and kiss him all over his face and say embarassing things about him (she would mention stories from his childood, etc). Keep in mind that he's Twenty-two years old. Now, at first I just sort of sat there and shifted uncomfortably until it was over (she does this in front of the entire family, and even does it in public sometimes, like at dinner or when we're shopping), but it happened so often, I had to fess up to my boy. I told him that it made me uncomfortable when she did this in front of me, and I asked if it embarassed him when she did this in front of everyone (I know I would be).

 

sorry I must have missed something where you said she was interrupting you and you boyfriend by doing this..... but in here it says that YOU were embarrassed by it.... and he WASNT until you told him YOU were.... i just think maybe you have to accept that he has otehr women in his family as well, thats all. ive noticed in your other posts too it was all about his mom and his sister... but i guess i only know as much information that you actually supplied.... just an opinion as an outsider looking in.... as far as the second post... cant find it.... good day

[jenny]

hi mintjulep,

 

i've had similar problems with a boyfriend, actually. for me, it had a lot to do with the kind of cultures we are from - his family was very physically demonstrative in a way that almost shocked me - i.e. jumping into the hot tub naked with cousins; sister and brother strangely cuddly; while no one hugged the mom at all. (the family finds it hard to trust her or even like her) when i would go over there, he would be really, well, flirty, with his female relatives and sort of treated them like kittens. it struck me as creepy and condescending.

 

i was not jealous, exactly, but, like you, uncomfortable. we worked it out by figuring how our cultures were different - his family was a farm family, where a lot of communication is physical. i have a tendency to read physicality as sexualized because my family communicates mostly verbally and intellectually.

 

equally, he would get mad when we went to my house and my dad and i would debate for hours on end about this or that, or talk about books, etc. he felt left out and ignored, and, you got it, uncomfortable. it struck him as disturbingly mentally intimate.

 

my point is that you might want to approach this without assuming the mom is doing anything wrong, per se, but just that their ways and family culture are different.

 

you have a right to feel uncomfortable and to express that, and he should accomodate you if he cares about you. my guy stopped mewing at his cousins and tried to talk to them as people, and i made a consistent and deliberate effort to include him in on the discussions - now he and my dad talk more than we do!

 

if you approach this issue with anger, you will not win. if you approach with reason and concrete suggestions for change, you might be to change things.

 

of course, you can not change the mom. but, honestly, i think you are mad at him, not his mom. i think you are also mad at his culture, based on comments about his sister and her boyfriend, etc. i understand the feeling, but you've got to get past that if you want to resolve this.

 

and it's entirely possible you may not be able to resolve it. honestly, if my guy kept talking to his female relations in baby voices and grabbing at them, i would have dumped him much sooner. i don't want a man who will talk to my potential daughters that way - i don't think his culture was wrong but it's just not what i wanted for myself or my family.

 

equally, he did not want a female who could not be affectionate, fun and spontaneous - i actually feel like i grew a lot from being involved with such a different kind of family - but at the end we were just too different.

 

just some thoughts, wish you well -

j

[mintjulep]

Jenny, thanks for the input. You hit the nail on the head. This is not about possessiveness or control, it was about how uncomfortable this makes me feel, but only when I'm around. I have no qualms with the relationship he has with his mother, and I never said that I expressed anger at the situation. I must come off too strongly in my posts because people around here seem to assume (not you, Jenny) that I get really pissed off at my guy for these things and that I must blow my top a lot. Well, being forum people yourself, you have to understand that this is a place for me to vent my frustrations. I've always been very open with my boyfriend, and he has agreed that I was perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable in this situation. True, he wasn't embarassed by it before, but that doesn't mean that the only reason he is embarrased is because I brought it up. It's not as though I shamed him into thinking this was taboo, but that by expressing how I felt about this situation, I keyed him into how odd this relationship was in relation to the way the rest of his family treats each other. His mother is never like this with his sister (who, fyi lostforwords, I mentioned that I got along with swimmingly this trip, mostly because she made as concerted an effort as I to get along, instead of it being a one way thing on my part as it was before. Maybe my post was too long since you seemed to miss a few key points - I think that's my bad). No, I have a very strong feeling that this issue was not about control, but about being uncomfortable in a situation. I don't think anyone here can tell me that if they're uncomfortable with a situation that they should keep mum and grin and bear it, especially if it's so glaringly obvious as this one. My point, to sum it up in one sentence is this:

I don't make out with my boyfriend while she's talking to him, and I would appreciate it if she could key down the public displays of motherly affection while I am talking to him.

As I said, I'm not the only person who is uncomfortable when she does this. Other family members have rolled their eyes, snickered, and whispered behind my boyfriend's back. Don't you think it's kind of sad that he didn't know this (not that he does now - I only shared my discomfort, not the family's. That's their issue)? Don't you think that YOU would be embarrassed if your mother did this to you? He's not twelve. He's an adult. So it's not that mom is doing anything wrong, per say, but that after I brought it up, he was embarrased. I can't help that. Lostforwords, if he really didn't think it was an issue, I assure you that he wouldn't be embarrassed. He would tell me just how and why I was being silly. He's not one to be easily shamed. As for other women being in his family, again, I don't think that's the issue here.

Thanks for the insight, though. I just feel that your advice wasn't helpful in light of the situation. I'll try to keep the information pertinent to the issue that bugs me, just please keep in mind that it's not as though I'm a bitch about this to him. That's why I come here.

[lostforwords]

rofl!! boy ya sho told me... good luck

[mintjulep]

Lostforwords, Are you making fun of me, or just trying to lighten the mood? Because I have to tell you, I came here for help, and I just want to know if I should be offended or if I should laugh with you. I'm never sure whether sarcasm is intended - it doesn't come off well on the web, and I just want to know for the future if I should ignore you, or if you'll end up being a source of actual help like moimee.

[jenny]

in lostforword's defense, i also read a lot of anger coming from your posts.

 

i think i get it now, though.

 

looking back, it might have been frustration, and weirdly, a sense of claustrophobia that is making this an urgent issue. maybe you are not that worried about controlling your boyfriend, but i think you are rightfully concerned about these people controlling you.

 

which i also understand. my bf's family did not like me publishing some of my stories because they were um..a bit risque, they did not want him to buy a house too far from them, they did not like him going to my place for xmas - i felt totally suffocated. admittedly, my dad wants me to stay close to our families' intellectual values in the same way, but he knows i will be close to him even if i go to afghanistan.

 

one more idea: i don't give a damn how affectionate my parents are to each other, or if my friends are making out in front of me. but his creepy familial clinginess almost drove me crazy because i sensed it was a threat to who i was. is it possible that there is something about his mother or his sister that you do NOT want to end up like?

 

for me, it was antithetical to who i want to be to talked to and fondled like a kitten non-stop, <though 60% of the time is ok > so i was threatened when otherwise i would have been just amused.

 

anyway, just some other ideas. i think you are upset and concerned about this issue, which you have a right to be, it's just a matter of figuring out why.

[lostforwords]

mintjulep..... chill..... if i meant it in any other way BUT to lighten up the mood, i wouldnt have put good luck afterwards...... and trust me i dont mind at all being ignored

[mintjulep]

Okay, I'll "chill." I just wanted to freaking know. If the rest was sarcastic, then the good luck was, too - obviously. Thanks for the insight.

[Reckless]

You might like to get over yourself. How your boyfriends mother treats him, if she is demonstrative with her affections or not, is between her and her son. From what I read they have a good relationship and by your own admission her kissy-wishy ways didn't bother him until you mentioned it. You also mention that you can't get along with your own family for more than a few days at a time but his own family seems very kind and close. So I'd ask on what basis do you feel your 'way' is the best way?

 

Everybody comes from the own 'family culture' (rituals, habits and values) which a new couple has to eventually learn to integrate to succeed. Your values and approach to the expression of physical affection is different from your boyfriend's mother, unless she is attacking him in a state of undress I don't see why you cannot show some respect and accept it as part of their family 'culture'. Failing to do so will lead to hurt and resentment.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't sound overly dependent or maladjusted, if he someone who has been psychologically damaged by his upbring you won't repair that by telling him to stop his mother kissing him, if he has a normal relationship with you and others he can handle his mother and you should leave him to do so - forcing this 'non-issue' may only result in you (not her) being out in the cold. Remember in some cultures the saying is 'you can get a new girlfriend but you'll only have one mother' -- okay I just made that up but you get the picture. Step careful...

 

R.

[moimeme]

She really is a wonderful woman, she's just incredibly overbearing

 

Mintjulep - first of all congratulations that you got along with his sister. That's a big step, considering how you felt about her before.

 

Now, it seems you're still having some control issues going on. As Midori posted to someone else (forgive me for copying, Midori, but I'm feeling too lazy to retype what you already posted so eloquently):

 

1. just because someone does something that you don't agree with or understand, or if they do something in a manner that you don't agree with or understand, that doesn't mean that they are explicitly aware of why they're doing it. You do all sorts of things without knowing why. We all do. And regardless of how truly you want to know why they've done it the way they've done it, they don't always owe you an answer.

 

2. People can do things that you wouldn't necessarily do, and that's all right. Your way is fine, and theirs might be too.

 

Mintjulep, you have to let people be who they are AND you have to work on accepting people for who they are. You can't change every person in your BF's life until they act exactly as YOU happen to think they should. You don't have any right on this planet to expect your BF's mother to be different from how she has been her whole life (and his) because you don't happen to like it. Do you not see that?

 

You were already PO'd at his sister because you thought she didn't like you. Now say this were your brother and your mom. Say that they had a great relationship and then some babe turns up in his life complaining about his mom, you, and everybody else because they don't act the way she thinks they should. You'd think her a hateful little b****, wouldn't you?

 

You seem to act a great deal from within yourself - YOUR wants, YOUR needs, YOUR opinions, and you seem to think that the world, and especially other humans, are obliged to meet your ideas of how things should be.

 

This is unreasonable and unfair. It is also a very immature point of view. You have got to think of others, consider others, and, most especially, quit thinking that the rest of the world must operate exactly how you want it to - because it never will!

[cdn]

This sounds like a problem within you, not something for your bf to address with his mom (whether through his dad or not). If you can't handle the way your bf's family interacts, then perhaps he is not a good long-term bet for you. Expecting his relationships with others to change because they don't match up to what you want or expect will at best succeed in the short-term. Over time, I suspect your bf will grow resentful at losing closeness with his mom because of you.

 

Actually, I find it kind of refreshing to hear of such a close mother/son relationship (that doesn't seem to be a mama's boy situation).

[mintjulep]

I appreciate the words but you know what, I should have never freaking posted.

 

I don't want any help, please. This is my issue and I should have never posted on this forum because it came off the worng way and NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND. I wasn't even ****ing mad at this anymore when I got home, I just wanted to know if this was normal and IT MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. I'll have you know that every real person I've talked to backs me up on this, probably because they're not obsessed with my "Control Issues" and because they realize that I speak to them rationally and that I'm not as Pissed off as you people assume I am.

 

Please stop responding, I don't need your help on this topic, and I really think that you all are incredibly not helpful in this issue, I've already talked to a threrapist since I first posted, and while he's helping me through my issues (which you all are so great to point out before you even help me - Thanks), he agreed that I should discuss with my boyfriend that this makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. Not ANGRY, not CONTROLLING.....UNCOMFORTABLE. That's not a SIN people, and the only people telling me that I have a serious problem are you.

 

I justw anted to know if this was normal mom/son behaviour, and Jenny appreciated that it made me uncomfortable, but no one here seems to understand that this is not a problem that's going to wreck my relationship. Honestly, I think I've posted enough that people should understand that when I write, it may come out a little more intense than some others, but I didn't think that everyone would focus on the control thing that isn't really there this time.

 

Thanks for nothing.

[mintjulep]

And PS, it's not a momma's boy situation - I never said it was. She's trying to control him, he doesn't really listen. It's when she tries to tell me what I'm doing with my life that I get frustrated. Excuse me for trying to CONTROL my own life.

[lostforwords]

Nope no sarcasm at all......

 

 

Don't you think that YOU would be embarrassed if your mother did this to you?

 

call me crazy.... but my mom does do this to me... as well as my brothers..... it depends how a person is raised then and what thier comfort level is. My family is very affectionate and arent afraid to display it in a loving manner.... despite whose around.... actually i think my mom gets a big kick out of it by doing it in front of new boyfriends or new girlfriends on my brothers behalf..... and its just all around fun cuz then the potentianal mates usually giggle along with the family....... my mom is also the type where she will start to do it to the spouses as well..... she even does it still to my exhubby..... and hes in an all different relationship with someone else..... but she does it by pniching his cheek and calling him sonny boy..... and he actually enjoys it..... thats what i love so much about her.,.... shes a very loving person and does not mean it in any other way( i actually asked him about it one day because his girlfriend was standing by when she did it...... and even his girlfriend really didnt mind)my ex mother in law as well will hug me and coddle me in public.... however its when she hasnt seen me for awhile and such.... but when we were all close knit, it was the same......i guess what im saying is each family is different mintjulep..... and its great that your finally getting along with his family..... but maybe have some understanding that perhaps this is how he was raised in a loving affectionate family and becuase they are like this does not mean its wrong..... so i truly do believe it depends on how you were raised in your family..... now if it was constant baby talk.... that would even get on my nerves.... but for a mother to display her affection towards her son the way she does.... not a thing wrong with it in my opinion... i really do wish you luck mintjulep.... and hopefully you will be able to come to an understanding with his family and your boyfriend.....

[cdn]

[ he agreed that I should discuss with my boyfriend that this makes me UNCOMFORTABLE. Not ANGRY, not CONTROLLING.....UNCOMFORTABLE. That's not a SIN people, and the only people telling me that I have a serious problem are you.

 

I don't know about sin, but it's still a control element. It's not for you to be comfortable or uncomfortable about your bf's relationship with his family. (By the way, I read Jenny's response to your other thread, and I don't see any similarities between what she described and what you have.) By telling your bf you are uncomfortable, the expectation is that HE should do something to make you more comfortable. That's controlling. Unless you have left something out, there is nothing unhealthy or weird going on between your bf and his mother. What your therapist should be doing is to help you understand why you are uncomfortable and how you can get comfortable without making your bf feel emotions -- shame and embarassment are the two you mentioned -- that are unwarranted.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[lostforwords]

whoa.. i didnt realize there were two threads of the same...... oops my bad. i-i-i-illl stick to the OTHER thread.....

[mintjulep]

Lostforwords,

Please forgive me if I sound so high strung, it's just that I spoke to a therapist about this because it really hurt me that more people weren't on my side in this forum, so I talked to friends and got conflicting advice from that which I got on this board. It confused me, and made me feel like a terrible person. Let me just say one more thing, and I promise I'll try to be less "in your face" so please hear me out one last time. My mom hugs me and kisses me like that too, and I have to say, it makes me feel great inside...all warm and loved. Really. It's not embarassing at the appropriate times. It's nice. When I said I couldn't stand my family for more than three days, I meant that I am the type of person who needs to be alone every once and a while, and my boyfriend is like that, too. Sometimes we like to just sit alone, the two of us, not go out, and have an entire night to ourselves, which is why he so quickly agreed to leave Thanksgiving early. We had absolutely no release from his family that weekend. It wasn't like when I'm with mine, and I can go for a drive, and think about things like I like to do. We were literally stuck with his family, with no mode of transportation, and little say in the activities planned for the day. I felt suffocated. To add insult to injury, his mother did the kissy thing an unnatural amount of times. I'm not saying that his relationship with his mother makes me uncomfortable, and I'm sorry people think that. What made me uncomfortable was the sheer magnitude of it all. I was discussing foreign policy with my boyfriend, and we were deep in conversation on the couch, and she did the kissy thing when I was mid-sentence. It was difficult to pick up again, and the conversation lost momentum. We were all having a stimulating conversation at an Italian restaurant (i'm talking uncle, aunt, mom, dad, grandma, sister, and sister's boyfriend, all talking and laughing), and mid-conversation she did the kissy thing. Shorty after the conversation died, complete with funny looks from his uncle, and an uncomfortable side glance from his father. You see, it's not the closeness that I'm focusing on. If he didn't have a mother like his mother, he wouldn't be who he is, and honest to God, I appreciate everything she's done, for him - and for me. I don't appreciate it, however, when she tells me, as though fact, what I will be doing with my life in five and ten years, because she doesn't know that. I want to work in Europe, something my boyfriend has always been incredibly supportive of. He mentioned it to her once, and suddenly, this weekend she started telling him, in front of me and half to me, that she would never let him move out of the country, even for a little while. It struck me as odd that this came up, and as you can imagine, and I was...quite literally taken aback. She's never been this...forceful with her words before.

 

In my defense, the weekend went well, and the only time it might have gone wrong (but didn't!) was when she walked into a heated debate (not an argument. no yelling, no tears, just a passionate debate - as you can imagine from my posts, I'm quite passionate about a lot of things I discuss, unless they're really light hearted subjects), about her. I talked to a therapist, I talked to my boyfriend, I want him to maintain a close relationship with his mother, or rather have never considered wanting otherwise, I just would like her not to interrupt us all with the kissy thing that makes everyone uncomfortable, and again, I'm sorry my boyfriend didn't see it as something that would spark discomfort, but the "damage" is done, and I can't help that anymore. I was very careful to tell him that the only time it made people uncomfortable was when we were mid conversation or in public. I'm not saying this shouldn't be a standard greeting (it is, but that never, ever bothered me before - I've been with his parents on several occasions, and she's only recently been this...I can't think of another word but overbearing).

 

I think I maintained a certain level of...decorum in this post, and I hope you will respect that, and please not chastise me for telling my boyfriend that this makes me uncomfortable. I was acting on the advice of my shrink and good level-headed friends, I was very careful about the way I did it, and I believe that things are already better, which is why this forum just feels insulting now, because all of the advice has focused on the wrong thing, and I was so proud that I fixed this myself, and now I'm having people tell me how much I have to work on. I'd like to point out that despite what other people may be telling me on this thread and the other, identical one, I think there are worse problems that people who normally tend to give good advice can focus on. For once, apparently, I'd like the focus not to be on me. I hope other people (not lostforwords) heed that last sentence. It's never been about me in my life. That's why I came to this forum for help. I always bow out and let other people walk all over me. Just once...maybe I did want it to be about me. I'm sorry.

[mintjulep]

Since Lostforwords is cross-posting (accidentally), and because it's too late to delete the other posts I put here, I thought this would be appropriate here as well:

 

Please forgive me if I sound so high strung, it's just that I spoke to a therapist about this because it really hurt me that more people weren't on my side in this forum, so I talked to friends and got conflicting advice from that which I got on this board. It confused me, and made me feel like a terrible person. Let me just say one more thing, and I promise I'll try to be less "in your face" so please hear me out one last time. My mom hugs me and kisses me like that too, and I have to say, it makes me feel great inside...all warm and loved. Really. It's not embarassing at the appropriate times. It's nice. When I said I couldn't stand my family for more than three days, I meant that I am the type of person who needs to be alone every once and a while, and my boyfriend is like that, too. Sometimes we like to just sit alone, the two of us, not go out, and have an entire night to ourselves, which is why he so quickly agreed to leave Thanksgiving early. We had absolutely no release from his family that weekend. It wasn't like when I'm with mine, and I can go for a drive, and think about things like I like to do. We were literally stuck with his family, with no mode of transportation, and little say in the activities planned for the day. I felt suffocated. To add insult to injury, his mother did the kissy thing an unnatural amount of times. I'm not saying that his relationship with his mother makes me uncomfortable, and I'm sorry people think that. What made me uncomfortable was the sheer magnitude of it all. I was discussing foreign policy with my boyfriend, and we were deep in conversation on the couch, and she did the kissy thing when I was mid-sentence. It was difficult to pick up again, and the conversation lost momentum. We were all having a stimulating conversation at an Italian restaurant (i'm talking uncle, aunt, mom, dad, grandma, sister, and sister's boyfriend, all talking and laughing), and mid-conversation she did the kissy thing. Shorty after the conversation died, complete with funny looks from his uncle, and an uncomfortable side glance from his father. You see, it's not the closeness that I'm focusing on. If he didn't have a mother like his mother, he wouldn't be who he is, and honest to God, I appreciate everything she's done, for him - and for me. I don't appreciate it, however, when she tells me, as though fact, what I will be doing with my life in five and ten years, because she doesn't know that. I want to work in Europe, something my boyfriend has always been incredibly supportive of. He mentioned it to her once, and suddenly, this weekend she started telling him, in front of me and half to me, that she would never let him move out of the country, even for a little while. It struck me as odd that this came up, and as you can imagine, and I was...quite literally taken aback. She's never been this...forceful with her words before.

 

In my defense, the weekend went well, and the only time it might have gone wrong (but didn't!) was when she walked into a heated debate (not an argument. no yelling, no tears, just a passionate debate - as you can imagine from my posts, I'm quite passionate about a lot of things I discuss, unless they're really light hearted subjects), about her. I talked to a therapist, I talked to my boyfriend, I want him to maintain a close relationship with his mother, or rather have never considered wanting otherwise, I just would like her not to interrupt us all with the kissy thing that makes everyone uncomfortable, and again, I'm sorry my boyfriend didn't see it as something that would spark discomfort, but the "damage" is done, and I can't help that anymore. I was very careful to tell him that the only time it made people uncomfortable was when we were mid conversation or in public. I'm not saying this shouldn't be a standard greeting (it is, but that never, ever bothered me before - I've been with his parents on several occasions, and she's only recently been this...I can't think of another word but overbearing).

 

I think I maintained a certain level of...decorum in this post, and I hope you will respect that, and please not chastise me for telling my boyfriend that this makes me uncomfortable. I was acting on the advice of my shrink and good level-headed friends, I was very careful about the way I did it, and I believe that things are already better, which is why this forum just feels insulting now, because all of the advice has focused on the wrong thing, and I was so proud that I fixed this myself, and now I'm having people tell me how much I have to work on. I'd like to point out that despite what other people may be telling me on this thread and the other, identical one, I think there are worse problems that people who normally tend to give good advice can focus on. For once, apparently, I'd like the focus not to be on me. I hope other people (not lostforwords) heed that last sentence. It's never been about me in my life. That's why I came to this forum for help. I always bow out and let other people walk all over me. Just once...maybe I did want it to be about me. I'm sorry.

[lostforwords]

I don't appreciate it, however, when she tells me, as though fact, what I will be doing with my life in five and ten years, because she doesn't know that. I want to work in Europe, something my boyfriend has always been incredibly supportive of. He mentioned it to her once, and suddenly, this weekend she started telling him, in front of me and half to me, that she would never let him move out of the country, even for a little while.

 

Ok.. i read this over a few times...... and i tried putting myself in his mothers shoes as well as yours..... this is my findings.....

 

Mother: she knows that ultimately her son is moving on with his life with his girlfriend.... she knows that thier maybe a chance that you 2 will be moving out of the country and god forbid it may tear her heart knowing she has to let go.... maybe she cant express her feelings in any other way without sounding like a mother who does not want to let go but by saying it the way she has. You and your boyfriend live together...... so the couple of days she does get to see him here or there.... well shes going to shower him with affection..... because she feels she needs to make up for not seeing him and she misses him.... she has obviously accepted you in the family and knows you 2 will be together.... but the possibility of him leaving has most likely pulled on her heart strings after all if he is moving out of the country..... she needs to see him as much as she can and have the time spent with him the way she needs to and to feel comfortable with the fact that she has to let go..... she knows it will be HIS decision what hes going to do..... but until then it makes her feel good knowing she can have that closeness with him and possibly try to get that point across to him and maybe even you for that matter.... that dammit she doesnt want to be away from her son.... but yet she still may know its going to happen.... despite what she says or does.

 

Mintjulep: watching his mother show all this affection during a conversation with other people makes me feel uncomfortable because he is an adult and i quite like this conversation or heated debate that we are having.... so now it just may be affected because of how shes treating him..... shes got to understand that i am in her sons life and i want to move to another country to do my dreams.... why is she making me feel like my boyfriend and i have to stay here why cant my boyfriend see that my decisions need to feel just as important as his mothers.... why doesnt my boyfriend see how im feeling when this is happening? i had a rocky time with his mom and sister and now its going great so why doesnt the mother cut her apron strings and let me wear them for a change. hes with me now. realize now mintjulep that you are in his life your living with him she has given you the reins, however her son may just be leaving the country and she wont be able to see him as much as now and even then thats not very often, but she has accepted that. this is her son..... when you have children of your own... i think your maternal instincts will kick in and you just may then understand why she is doing what shes doing. she loves him and obviously loves you as well to let you carry on with the things you have.... but let her have her time with her son whether it makes you feel uncomfortable or not its not just about you when hes with his mother.... its about them as well. because your feeling all uncomfortable with it is making you lose sight of the fact that this lady has accepted you and your boyfriends decision to do what you have to do.... even if she makes you feel like she wants to make all the decisions..... some would say your comfortness does not outweigh her being loving to her son.... and it shouldnt even be an issue.....

 

I hope this helps.... and you kind of get an understanding of what im trying to say..... again i would like to say you have to pick and choose your battles..... in the long run mintjulep... who has the son?... you do... hes with you now.... dont little issues like this affect your relationship with your boyfriend or his family.... trust me youll have even bigger issues!! Good luck to you I hope it all works out for the best!!!

[mintjulep]

Thank you lostforwords, that was incredibly helpful. I gained some valuable insight from that, and you're right - I haven't really been thinking about this from her perspective, just pretending I have. I really have no idea what she's going through, because I've never been in her position.

 

Just so you know, though, my boyfriend and I don't live together. He's currently living in another city while I finish college, so the captured moments we spend together are valuable, as well. Especially since we lived in the same building during school, and suddenly had to cope with being four hours away from each other when he graduated. Maybe that changes what you said just a little? I guess not much, but I did think you should know all the information, or at least as much as I can share.

 

Also, regarding the comment about moving to Europe...She actually said that she wouldn't let him leave the country. I didn't think that it sounded like even silent acceptance. I thought it sounded like a subtle threat, and I'm pretty sure I didn't misinterpret it.

 

Thanks for the much more helpful insights this time, though.