What are you doing to improve yourself?

[fral945]

I realize most people come to this site because they are having problems in relationships. Sometimes it is more our fault and sometimes it is more the other person's fault. I think most of us can look back and see some way we could have done things differently in our past relationships (of course, if that is not you, I don't expect you to reply to this forum, because you are perfect ). This is more of a self-analysis, because we can't control everything our partner does. However, I think for the most part we have control of ourselves and our behaviors and actions.

 

For those of you that will admit to not being perfect, my three part question is:

 

1) What have you found to be the most common faults/issues with yourself that have caused problems in a relationship, or held you back from having a successful relationship?

 

2) What faults/issues have you succeeded in fixing? How did you do it?

 

3) What faults/issues are you still struggling with? What are you doing to fix them, and have you had any success?

[Bullydog1982]

Fral945

 

Interesting topic, I think I’ll take a shot at it.

 

1. For my marriage, I stopped existing as a person and focused on just work and my X-Wife. There was no me and I stopped existing. I also made it my responsibility to make and keep her happy. Guess, it was kind of co-dependent. Since then, with the women I’ve dated, my 100% tactful open honesty can be very scary. I’m honest and I don’t hide things and have no problems showing my battle scars and putting myself out there – from the get go. It would appear that this isn’t the norm for most people and it makes me….different (need a better word choice). I don’t mind though, I’d rather be me and open and honest from the start then something I’m not and not let anyone get close to me.

 

2. I became a person again. I took responsibility for my own happiness in life and embraced (still learning to embrace) who I am as a person and enjoy it. When it comes down to it, it’s your life and you’re the only one responsible for it. Go forward and find what makes you happy and do it. Embrace those little moments, start those new hobbies/projects and always continue to grow (mentally, emotionally and physically) and enjoy the ride. Also, don’t ever rely on anyone for your happiness or validation. In turn, don’t ever be the focus on anyone’s happiness or validation. They need to be happy with themselves and their life for things (on the relationship side) to really be right (just my 2 cents).

 

3. I’m still learning to slow down and embrace my “inner beach bum.” As a person I can be wound tight and really on point to the extreme that I stop enjoy my life and the moments I experience. They become filler and tasks and that’s not what life is about . I’m getting better at letting go and just saying frack it from time to time. It’s still a work in progress though.

 

Cool topic Fral945. How about yourself?

 

-BullyDog1982

Edited October 21, 2009 by Bullydog1982

[fral945]

Thanks for the reply, BullyDog1982. Here is how I would answer:

 

1) What have you found to be the most common faults/issues with yourself that have caused problems in a relationship, or held you back from having a successful relationship?

 

Fear of commitment

 

2) What faults/issues have you succeeded in fixing? How did you do it?

 

I started out later in life than most when it comes to relationships, so I'll have to speak about what held me back before. The two biggest issues I've fixed were lack of confidence the inability to initiate. I always felt that since I was older and didn't have any relationship experience it would be held against me. I also questioned my desirability to the opposite sex (since I had been alone so long). It took some talking to women and a few dates to realize that I was desirable, I just needed to build up my confidence and self esteem. Basically I needed to be more proactive when it came to women.

 

I since have gotten past that by working on my assertiveness and confidence. Particularly in the way I carry myself and interact with others.

 

3) What faults/issues are you still struggling with? What are you doing to fix them, and have you had any success?

 

Fear of commitment is the biggest. I fear getting involved in a relationship with a woman that doesn't have an eye for the long term future and doesn't have a similar outlook on important values and lifestyle beliefs.

 

I am currently in a relationship where I do fear long term commitment because of some differences in our lifestyle beliefs. I am working with her to see if we can come to a compromise about things, but I am not sure how it will all work out. Basically, she will have to change for the relationship to continue. I do not want to force her because I don't believe changing for another person will make for a long term fix. She has said she wants to change and she needs to do it herself and for herself. So I am waiting to see how things progress and our relationship is in a bit of limbo.

 

So far with women, I have always found something that prevents me from committing to anything long term with them.

[Tayla]

1) What have you found to be the most common faults/issues with yourself that have caused problems in a relationship, or held you back from having a successful relationship?

 

Answer: Since relationships can be family, friends, co-workers, clients and social contacts, that is a hard one to wrap my thoughts around. Each area of those relationships have carried some flaws and some graces.

So in a general manner- The greatest flaw I've carried is my expectations - Placing folks on pedestals thinking they are the greatest thing since apple pie! Only to have them fall majorly from grace and I am left wondering/questioning my judgment ( not judgmental, but judgment in choosing wisely).

 

2) What faults/issues have you succeeded in fixing? How did you do it?

Response:

I succeeded at genuinely appreciating my family and carrying a more earful approach . Listening to them and sharing in the joys of their success. Being ACTIVE in life instead of watching the world go by.

 

3) What faults/issues are you still struggling with? What are you doing to fix them, and have you had any success?

Response:

Hmmm...probably dealing daily with the communication skills. Be it verbal, body language or how I address a concern. In the past five years I can say not so well in the skills of improvement. But hey! I havent fallen back to the agressive or close minded person . I dont mind that I have flaws so much as I do mind that such flaws can hinder the flourishment of relationships. SO it motivates me to not fall back to old ways.