I'm getting married on Saturday

[Stung]

I'm not really asking for advice, I'm just blowing off some steam, I guess. My wedding is in just a handful of days and I'm swirling with emotions--joy, excitement, anxiety, you name it.

 

The engagement and wedding-planning phase has been a bit of a rollercoaster and unfortunately my best friend of over half my life has chosen to be offended because my partner and I decided to keep our wedding infinitesimally small and invite only our parents, our children, my cousin (who is officiating) and my partner's sister. I asked my friend to meet me for dinner and a couple glasses of wine the night before the wedding and she refused, citing her hurt feelings. Most of my other longtime girlfriends currently live in other cities or on other continents, and have sent their well-wishes and demands for pictures, but aren't really readily available for chatting. SO, I effectively have nobody to spout off to about this but you guys...and my partner, of course. We lay together in bed last night and confessed how freaked out we both are to each other.

 

To be honest, I think we're both surprised at how much emotion this is sparking up already. We have been living together as partners and raising children together (our own biological son, his daughter from a previous gf, and my 2 goddaughters who I share custody of) for a few years now, living as a married couple in pretty much every way...but we both still feel this, this buzz, this thrill along the nerves, mixed anticipation and trepidation.

 

October has been going by REALLY fast.

[sally4sara]

I am experiencing many of the things you've listed here for my upcoming wedding plans in January. Including the conveniently offended friend and family stuff. If you need to talk you can vent to me all you'd like.

[Stung]

Sally4Sara, I have read and enjoyed many of your posts, but didn't realize you were getting married soon too. Congratulations!

 

I hope the friend/family drama isn't getting you down. It was me, somewhat...I was shocked at the number of meddlesome people who seemed to feel they had some say or big stake in this wedding, even people who I haven't seen in years or who were loudly vocal about their disapproval when we had our son first...and to be honest I was offended by my friend's take on it and the letter she sent me, effectively making everything about her...but now that we're down to the wire, all I am thinking about is my fiance and our family. I already told my friend that I am not going to talk to or deal with her right now because I want to be focused on this life event and being happy, and not stress myself out about her.

 

Our little wedding is to be very casual with a high emphasis on romance and our personalities and pretty much no attention paid to religious trappings or traditional elements. That seemed to bother some people too, but...<shrug> last time I checked I wasn't marrying any of THEM, so it's all worked out okay. Things came up that ended up changing the entire event, including its venue, more than once, which was very stressful but I managed to roll with those punches and finally almost everything is done and I can try to relax and walk into this with my eyes full of light and the love of the little family I have made for myself. If only I can manage to sleep!

 

Coincidentally right after I posted about not having anyone to vent to, one of my best guy friends emailed me to let me know he's going to be in town and wants to meet the baby and take me out the night before the wedding. Also I'm going to pack up my son and spend the next couple of nights at my mom's house so I will have her support and company.

 

I can't believe it's this Saturday already! I spent my 20s as a stereotypical wandering free spirit so having all these kids and settling down and putting on rings is I think an especially big deal, the last 4 years have been a huge change for me and sometimes a tough adjustment, although I have loved it. But I'm very excited about making it all official, even more than I thought I would be.

 

I guess I'm just rambling now.

[sally4sara]

I think when you're as close to the wire as you've gotten, the safest idea for sanity's sake is to forget about everyone but you and your man and hope the day's event and meaning gives everyone a case of the warm fuzzies. Maybe they'll chill out after.

 

In my case? I got a Fundie family that has never taken much interest in any of my celebratory moments. This time, their excuse is that we've decided to do it Vegas style and Vegas is a den of sin. None have visited me in the DC metro area since I moved a few years back (for other equally ridiculous reasons) despite that I've been home to visit many times. And Vegas was not the first idea for me either. My first idea was to have it at this beach near one of his family's vacation homes with enough room for 30 people to stay for free and close enough to one of my clusters of extended family for added interest to the others if my wedding wasn't enough incentive. That got scraped. Not good enough for them to be bothered. We decided to just go with some some low key friends and enjoy a long weekend for our 5 year anniversary. His aunt caught wind and chose to go that weekend too. Next thing we know, so many people (grandparent age) were going we had to tiptoe through the common space in a house no one had bothered with for a year prior to our plans. The only people in and out had been paid to do so. It became a weekend of "Can you kids keep it down!?" I 35 btw, hardly a "kid".

That fell through and why not? My supposed Best Friend who I wanted to stand up for me in the little ceremony we intended couldn't even answer her phone to even find out that I'd fly her and the new guy who's ass she has disappear into down to the beach. She can't be bothered. A "psychic" at a party told her she would meet some guy who would be the one and the next guy she met just had to THAT guy.

On my fiance's end? Well his family is much more supportive of the concept. Enough to foot the Vegas bill - with a catch of course. They have decided to not only go for the ceremony, but to also stay for 5 of the 7 days of our honeymoon! I know we don't own Vegas, but now who is going to watch my son while we are gone? And his sister is freshly single, has anxiety attacks, and will complain about everything as she tags along wherever we go. When he came home to tell me all of this, we just stared at each other until we just busted out in hysterical laughter.

We have a group of friends that are also going to Vegas, but they're all couples and can go find some fun of their own long enough to let us have some romance. It sounded so headache free at first, but now we're going to have his parents and sister and my 12 year old son in tow.........

 

I'm sure we will sort some of this out for the best, but I am now holding out for some magic from your wedding. I hope it comes out beautifully for you if not for me too. We're marrying wonderful men right? That's the important bit.

[boldjack]

I would like to wish both of you the very best of Luck with your weddings and with your marriages after. After all, It isn't the size of the wedding, it's the love of the people who are joining their lives, that matter. My first one had all the bells and whistles, horse-drawn carriage, the works. I cheated on her from word go. My second was only 5 in the party, it has been 28 years, and never cheated. Just goes to show you.

[Stung]

Wow, S4S, we really have encountered a lot of the same problems on this particular journey, right down to having family along on the honeymoon! In our case, though, we invited our parents along so they could help watch the kids...since the baby can't be apart from me yet and the girls would be upset if we only brought their brother, bringing the grandparents was the only way we could get any private time, ironically (we are planning a 2nd, somewhat more private overseas honeymoon later). Anyway, interesting. Is it weird that that makes me feel a little better? I knew that wedding-planning was never going to be easy but I was flabbergasted by just how rough the road got for what was always supposed to be a small, simple, fairly casual event, and just how many people felt free to stick their noses in and be hurtful. I would go into further detail but I'm extremely pressed for time at the moment. Maybe I can come back later tonight after my son is in bed. In any case, Vegas! I thought about that too, and felt that if we went that route I wanted to go full-on-kitsch, Star Trek Chapel AND skydiving Elvises! But we're doing a picnic on a tiny private beach instead. I have been all about trying to keep everything low-key...after all wedding planning with a baby and three quarrelsome girls underfoot is a real b*tch.

 

Thank you boldjack for your kind sentiments. You are another poster I have read frequently in the past. I hope my marriage will go as swimmingly as your SECOND marriage has .

 

Of course it is true that what matters is the love, and my man and I are chock full of that. We are both challenging people but also honest and loyal and committed, and he and our little family mean the world to me. We both woke up this morning feeling like crap on toast so you can probably add 'sick bride and groom' to the list of wedding uh-ohs but at least we will be sick together on our honeymoon.

 

I know there will be some magic at the wedding no matter what, even if it's raining and my nose is running and the baby throws up on me and my MIL climbs up my butt all weekend, I am still marrying the love of my life on the anniversary of our first date amongst the love of all the little ones we care for.

[sally4sara]

Is it weird that that makes me feel a little better?

 

No, not weird at all. It lets you know the issues you're dealing with are not intrinsically due to something you've caused.

I'm dealing with a weird sensation over this however.....

 

I am not known for being very emotional in my circle of friends. I'm the funny one, the cool headed one, the one who does damage control for you when you can't stay calm at the worst possible time.

So it's odd to feel so vulnerable and emotional about an event I've held so many people's hands through. I've been in the wedding and event planning business for over a decade. I've been not just a bridesmaid, but the Maid of Honor for 4 weddings. This should be old hat to me! But I just know I'm going to be an estrogen saturated ball of weepy happiness on my day. I can't even listen to the song I'm going to walk down the aisle to without tearing up. I really thought, and so did my partner, that we'd do the whole

 

full-on-kitsch, Star Trek Chapel AND skydiving Elvises

 

Well we were thinking midget Elvis or Star Wars, but yeah.

That is, till we started to nail down a venue and we both were struck with how tacky it seemed and how that just didn't measure up to the sentiment behind our intent.

And we're not religious at all. In fact, I can't stand most religion's anti feminism agendas. He is even more so than I and suggested we write our own vows. I know I won't be able to say hardly a word! I've been in so many plays and done spoken word poetry; but I feel panicky about it just the same! I never saw this feeling coming! Nothing I write seems to measure up and if it did, well it would be like throwing gasoline on a grease fire. What is the point of writing my own vows or hiring a makeup artist to come to my room that morning if I'm just going to boohoo Estee Lauder down the front of my dress and sound like a breeched heifer blowing snot bubbles through my vows? To top it off, the ceremony is on my b-day.......

 

I think I'm going to need drugs.

 

Boldjack,

 

Thank you for your kind words. Of all the things I am worrying about, who I chose is not one of them. I hope to join your ranks in 28 years. Cheers to you and yours.

[nelsonclassic]

Hello friend,

Congrats !!

You are going to get married soon..It's nice to listen..

It seems as if you are very excited about your wedding and waiting the date of your wedding very impatiently..I know you all will enjoy a lot.

Going to get married is a feeling which makes you feel not only special but very happy..Everything in this world becomes beautiful and we enjoy every moment of planning our wedding.

So you have to plan many things for your wedding like your and your fiance dress,attires,venue,decorations,guest,favors..everything.

So enjoy your wedding with your whole family and a GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR MARRIED LIFE !!

 

Regards,

Nelson

 

Theme Weddings

[boundaryproblem]

Congrats on your wedding. Small is much better than big.

 

 

 

Troubled people tend to use other people's weddings as a platform for their own issues. The people that caused me the most grief re my wedding are now no longer in my life (friends/family members). So sometimes it is a smoke signal of trouble ahead in that relationship.

[Stung]

Thanks so much those of you who offered your support/congratulations.

 

S4S, I could have written much of your last post myself, in fact it was a bit eerie. I am a writer/editor IRL and purposely chose NOT to write the vows because due to my profession people were commenting on how thoughtful and meaningful my vows were sure to be, like I needed that extra pressure . This little wedding was just too important/nerve-wracking for me already for me to be worried about writing critics on top of everything else. I found a couple of websites that had a repertoire of several civil ceremonies both traditional and modern, picked four that I liked, and spent a couple evenings hacking them apart, cobbling them together and then whittling out all the padding, until I had achieved a relatively simple but meaningful civil ceremony and vows that we both liked, including references to both our children and a moment where I gave a sterling and sapphire charm bracelet to my stepdaughter to symbolize our union as family. Everybody complimented us on the ceremony, although I suppose it's not like they could reasonably comment on how much they thought it sucked.

 

Anyway, it's done. Phew. It does feel different to be married, I think, although I know some would disagree, and after a few years of living together/raising kids/owning property it's not exactly like we had a big lifestyle change. All that matters though is that we're happy. The wedding didn't go perfectly, but it went well, and everybody was shining. The weather was mild and clear and the outdoor location was wild and beautiful and there was a crapload of really good cheesecake and champagne, and I still keep stealing glances at my hand because I look so damn married now. We had a great few days in our cabins and finally got some alone-time when the grandparents took the kids out hiking, and are eagerly anticipating our overseas honeymoon in the spring.

 

Reality was a bit of a harsh comedown when we got back to a sick cat and a big pile of work but I haven't let go of the bridal buzz yet completely.

 

I haven't talked to my friend yet either but I'm gearing up to it. I want to think out all my points and try to be as fair as possible before I write her a letter.