Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[broken hearted]

Well, I've been dealing with this since Jan. 31 and the pain has not subsided in the least all these months. I no more than gain a step in the healing process and it seems like a week later I'm knocked back 10 steps. I've been trying to deal with it on my own this whole time bc I've been pregnant or nursing and didn't want to take anything for fear that it might hurt my daughter. I have my second counseling appt. tomorrow night. This woman is really good and has a huge amount of clients so sometimes appts. are weeks apart. I'm sure tomorrow will help me fell a little better but it won't last long. I don't want to take meds but I'm scared I may have to resort to them bc it's not getting any better with what I've been doing.

[soheartbroken]

Well, I definitely believe you when you say you feel like you've made no progress. I always feel that way too (don't let my thread fool you. There is so much that I don't post because I'm tired of making people listen to how depressed I am).

 

So if you think it's time for medication, then by all means start informing yourself. I would suggest talking to the counselor about it first.

 

I'm glad that you are seeking the help of a counselor, but during a huge crisis like this, it's too bad that the appointments are weeks apart. I go to my therapy twice a week, and I even go to a third free session at the hospital once a week (I'm a "volunteer" counseling patient for new doctors in training. This will end soon though).

 

If I had the money, I would go even more often. I really can't stand the pain!

 

I actually find it hard to believe that up until recently you haven't used a counseling resource, or been questioning medication. Do you feel shame attached to it?

[LisaUk]

Hi Broken

 

Have you tried St. John's Wort, its herbal but docs here recommend it as an alternative to meds, so it works. You will need to check with your midwife if it's ok whilst nursing though.

 

SHB, I wish I could get counselling, I had intial assesments, in which she tried to help a bit, but I am on a wait list, STILL! (Sorry to thread jack Broken), I could try the school counselling service but to be honest I am a bit fearful of what I will hear in counselling, I already blame myself a lot, I would hate to come out worse than I go in. Not sure I could handle learning that him leaving is all my fault right now.

[soheartbroken]

The most beneficial thing that I get out of therapy (which I tend to think is a bit different than counseling) is learning about myself. We don't really discuss my ex, unless I bring her up or ask a question. We don't try to figure her out, we try to figure me out.

 

So for a couple of hours a week I get to really focus on me, and I love it. It makes me feel really safe...though at times it can be a frustrating process. I have a lot of issues

 

I did not enjoy my school counselor, because you can only get appointments once every couple of weeks. It was basically about short-term damage control, rather than long-term understanding of ME.

 

I'm so disappointed that counseling/therapy is not readily available to those in need. What that means is that people turn to medication for a fraction of the cost (no shame in that. I've seriously considered it, and may still go on it at some point). It can be so valuable if you're eager to learn about yourself. I think...no spectacular results on my end yet, but I have learned.

 

But it is so expensive. I would say 80% of what I'm earning right now goes to therapy. I can do this because I have a little money saved up, and I'm living at home. But this is highly unfeasible for most (though I'm working part-time for minimum wage).

 

Lisa: I don't think any counselor will blame you - that's not their job! Their job is to support you. If he stayed for 18 years then you weren't all bad. But also, if a lot of the beakup had to do with your baggage (and I would say 90% of my breakup was due to my baggage), then don't you want to address that? Why put blinders on to that fact?

 

Anyway, I'm sorry that you can't get into therapy/counseling right now. But you will make money soon with your degree, and then you can try it out!

 

Sorry to threadjack Broken.

[LisaUk]

HI SHB

 

I still don't know why he broke up with me. He gave lots of conflicting reasons that changed a lot. I don't know if any of it was due to any baggage I have, I don't think I have any that I am unaware of? I suffer with low self esteem, but then like the counsellor said in the assesments I don't like upsetting people, I have to be perfect b/c of my upbringing (I was/am never allowed to make a mistake and was punished harshly if I did), so from that point of view, I have to be perfect in a relationship. If I have to be perfect and please, how can I have been bad or not what he wanted for him to leave? I don't know if any of that makes sense? I'm seriously not trying to blame him for everything, I really do think he has Comitmnet Phobia, 18 years is too long to stay if you are truely desperately unhappy and we were engaged 8 years, again coincidence? I think not.

[soheartbroken]

Lisa, I'm going to post a response on your other thread.

[broken hearted]

I'm really struggling with the pain I feel for my children. My 2 year old is really starting to make comments and show emotion over this whole situation. I try my best to not cry in front of them but every once in a while I slip up and my son sees me cry. The other day he said to me, "Don't cry Mommy, you'll feel better if you don't cry." I replied, "Honey, mommy's sad and when you're sad, it's ok to cry." He then replied, "no, it's not ok to cry Mommy." I'm assuming this comes from him hearing my stbxh telling me to stop everytime I show any sort of emotion.

 

He asks me often why Daddy lives at Grammy and Papa's. Today my son looked at me and said, "Mommy, I wish Grammy and Papa would sell their house so Daddy can come back and live with us at our house again." When he says things like this, it takes every fiber in my body to hold back the tears. He lays in bed with me at night before he goes to bed and just says, "Mommy, I love you sooo much, I love Daddy so much too but I'm sad and I miss him" This is my 2 year old...

 

How can this not pull on his heart strings? I'm really beginning to think he no longer has a heart. That little boy used to be his world so I don't understand how those comments don't affect him at all. I asked my counselor last night how to respond to his questions and she told me when he asks why Daddy lives at Grammy and Papa's to direct him to my stbxh to answer. I need a response in the mean time and I don't know what that should be.

[LisaUk]

Hi Broken

 

I'm no child expert, but my advice would be to tell him how much both you and daddy love him and that doesn't change b/c daddy lives at a different house.

 

I would also speak to your H about this if at all possible. If he won't talk calmly with you about this, then could you speak to his parents about how it is affecting your son? I'm not even sure if him and his family are reasonable people? Hopefully you can speak with them as this is your childs welfare here, hopefully they will listen.

 

As for you crying, well that's something you can't help and your son will be a better man in the long run when he is taught through this that it's ok to express your emotions.

 

Hugs.

[broken hearted]

Thanks Lisa!! I'm so terrified that this is affecting him negatively and that's the last thing I want. I hurt unbearably over this situation but I don't want my children to feel even an ounce of pain or discomfort from all of this. NOT TO MENTION I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS AND WOULD NEVER RULE OUT A RECONCILIATION...WEAK, I KNOW!!

[soheartbroken]

Not weak. Just speaking the truth. I'm glad you told your son it's okay to cry. I hope that counteracts some of what your stbx has been telling you (about not showing any emotion - does this have something to do with his behaviour? Has he bottled every emotion up he's ever had and now it's all coming out in some messed up way?)?

[tojaz]

Broken, What a tear jerker, I'm so sorry your dealing with this. I can't imagine having to hear your son say that. My heart goes out to you.

 

For relating to your son, I would just be honest. Thats going to help him the most. Your obviously not going to go into the details with him. Just keep it short but honest. Daddy lives at grandmas house because he wants to. Tell him you know hes sad and that your sad too. Most of all, don't try to hide your tears from him. he needs to know that it's OK to cry. You said that you didn't like the fact that he thinks it isn't ok to cry, so why let him see you trying to hide it?

 

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

(about not showing any emotion - does this have something to do with his behaviour? Has he bottled every emotion up he's ever had and now it's all coming out in some messed up way?)?

 

b i n g o!!!!

[trippi1432]

Hi Broken,

 

From experience, I can tell you honestly that it is not an easy road. We love our children unconditionally and with all our hearts, and, as mother's, our heart breaks every time you feel they don't have what they need in their lives...the love, admiration and honor from two parents who love them.

 

My daughter was only 6 months old the first time her daddy left us, I was blindly in love with a man who constantly cheated (insert humor here.....he sucked in bed so I still can't figure that one out). I became so depressed, I had to completely stop breast-feeding. We reunited a couple of months later when he came over to a mutual friend's house but walked out with me and his daughter...leaving his GF sitting by herself with no ride home. Vindicated.....maybe a little, was he worth it....absolutely not.

 

He left again when she was 2 1/2 years old, visited her once and then totally disappeared from her life until she was 12. Came into her life for less than two years, ruined it by causing her emotional distress, and then disappeared again. I used to beg him to come see her, especially when he was passing through town less than a mile from where we lived, when he went to go visit his mother. He never did....essentially, he went on to marry again, had two children....and his wife went on to cheat on him and left him. Three kids now and he has nothing to do with any of them. He's on his 3rd marriage.

 

Today, I am PROUD of the way my daughter turned out, so young but yet so mature....so much further along than I was at her age. Was it an easy road...absolutely not....we are parents....we screw up from time to time, but the more you beat yourself up and stop living, the more you set your kids back. Broken, to tell you the truth, the more you buck up and be strong for them...the more your kids will grow up stronger for themselves.

[LisaUk]

Broken, are you out there and are you ok? Have not "seen" you in a while?

[Gunny376]

Well, I've been dealing with this since Jan. 31 and the pain has not subsided in the least all these months. I no more than gain a step in the healing process and it seems like a week later I'm knocked back 10 steps. I've been trying to deal with it on my own this whole time bc I've been pregnant or nursing and didn't want to take anything for fear that it might hurt my daughter. I have my second counseling appt. tomorrow night. This woman is really good and has a huge amount of clients so sometimes appts. are weeks apart. I'm sure tomorrow will help me fell a little better but it won't last long. I don't want to take meds but I'm scared I may have to resort to them bc it's not getting any better with what I've been doing.

 

First off? As a woman? Your hormones are still fluctuating. These are some serious bio-chemical drugs that your body are generating through your brain housing group. They're stronger than crack-cocaine or crystal metyh.

 

Their that strong, and your body is producing them.

 

So no your not crazy!

 

The reason women put on the pounds after child birth is because of the evolutionary event of "feast or faminie" The reason why women have a higher body fat content? To support their off-spring they generate!

 

Basciaally once a woman becomes "pregno" ~ her body turns into "baby making mode ~ which means~ store in fat to feed the off-spring!

 

Quit beating yourselfs up and comparing yourself to Holloywood models!

[broken hearted]

Struggling...as usual! I am forcing myself to decorate for Christmas and attempt to get into the spirit for my children. I put up our Christmas tree yesterday and I struggled the entire day to hold back the tears. Every box of ornaments or decorations I take out has a reminder sitting on top staring me in the face...his stocking, our family ornaments with our names, ornaments he gave me, memories of last Christmas cutting down the tree as a family, memories of watching him and my son put up lights outside.

 

Then on facebook on Friday night, I see pictures of the OW wearing my stbxh's sweatshirt and that really upset me. I honestly can't understand why all of this still upsets me, I truly do not want this man that currently resides in my husband's body...I want nothing to do with him. I do still pray that the man residing in his body only signed a short lease but in reality, I know he signed a lifetime lease and will never be evicted.

 

My biggest pain and hurt right now is for my children. I truly don't believe any child should ever have to live this back and forth life. I'm angry at myself for not seeing these lack of morals and character flaws in the man I married before all of this happened. I LIVE FOR MY CHILDREN but had I known this would have happened and my stbxh was going to do what he did, I NEVER would have had children with him. I'm seeing now that he was not ready to have children when we did and he is very immature and irresponsible and I'm angry that my children's father has the characteristics and lack or morals that he does...I pray that my children are much more like me than him!

[tojaz]

Struggling...as usual! I am forcing myself to decorate for Christmas and attempt to get into the spirit for my children. I put up our Christmas tree yesterday and I struggled the entire day to hold back the tears. Every box of ornaments or decorations I take out has a reminder sitting on top staring me in the face...his stocking, our family ornaments with our names, ornaments he gave me, memories of last Christmas cutting down the tree as a family, memories of watching him and my son put up lights outside.

 

That I can relate to. I wasn't planning on decorating this year, but at the insistence pf a good friend, I pulled everything out and really tried, but couldn't bear it. Every ornament and decoration was picked out by us. Just like you Broken, everything in those boxes has its own story, the story of a life i miss but am no longer welcome in. I feel for you Broken, having the strength to do the decorating and putting on a brave face for you kids. I decided to forgo the decorations this year. :(

 

Then on facebook on Friday night, I see pictures of the OW wearing my stbxh's sweatshirt and that really upset me. I honestly can't understand why all of this still upsets me, I truly do not want this man that currently resides in my husband's body...I want nothing to do with him. I do still pray that the man residing in his body only signed a short lease but in reality, I know he signed a lifetime lease and will never be evicted.

Why do you keep torturing yourself like this? Looking at facebook is just going to cause you more hurt and hinder your healing.

 

My biggest pain and hurt right now is for my children. I truly don't believe any child should ever have to live this back and forth life. I'm angry at myself for not seeing these lack of morals and character flaws in the man I married before all of this happened. I LIVE FOR MY CHILDREN but had I known this would have happened and my stbxh was going to do what he did, I NEVER would have had children with him. I'm seeing now that he was not ready to have children when we did and he is very immature and irresponsible and I'm angry that my children's father has the characteristics and lack or morals that he does...I pray that my children are much more like me than him!

 

Don't be angry at yourself! You didn't do this, there was no way you could have known what he would do to you and your family. You are a great mother from what I have heard though and i am sure they will take after you in every way that matters.

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

broken hearted

 

It has been awhile since you lasted posted.

 

Are you OK?

 

Your friend Gallon

[broken hearted]

Hey Gallon! I'm doing alright! The holidays were hard, very hard...it was the first year without my stbxh and my brother! The family admitted that it's just not the same without them. I invited my stbxh down for Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents but he declined. His parent's bought me a few Christmas presents which I found bizarre. We had our daughter baptized 2 days before Christmas and, of course, I just couldn't hold back the emotions and cried during it. I just can't imagine a poor innocent baby coming into the world in this mess....my heart still breaks every time I look at my beautiful and amazing children.

 

My stbxh seems to be a little down the last couple days. Alone on the holidays will effect even the coldest of hearts. I've had a few doctor's appts. the last couple of weeks and everytime my stbxh finds out I have an appt., he asks and asks and asks if I am ok and if something is wrong. When he asks these things, I want to scream at him..."no, I'm not ok, I've got a broken heart and shattered dreams and unfortunately even the most talented of doctors can't put me back together." I told him that those details are not for him to know anymore. His response was, "I still care a lot about you and I still love you, I just love you in a different way now."

 

I talked to him 2 days after Christmas to find out when he was dropping our son back off and he sounded REALLY down. Maybe it's just my wishful thinking or my stubborn heart but during this conversation, I told him my opinions on everything. I said to him, "I know this is just my opinion and I could be completely way off the mark but I don't think you want any of this, I think you just messed up so bad and got yourself so far deep in a hole that you have NO clue how to even begin to climb out or fix things. I don't think you want to be with her, I think she is just an escape for you right now and she gives you something to do so you don't have to sit around and think about the mess you made and deal with the pain you've caused so many people. I think you are going to be devastated when you see me with someone else and I think it's going to devastate you when you see me raising our children with a stepfather." His response to this was a very somber..."yeah I know"

 

I really do believe everything that I told him that day. I really don't think he wants this, I think he believes that the damage he caused everyone is irrepairable. He has mentioned several times that he doesn't believe my family will ever forgive him or accept him again. One day when he was dropping our children back off at my house I said to him, "This is the life you want, you got what you wanted". He replied, "this isn't what I want" and then he walked out the door and left.

 

I am beginning to realize there is nothing that can repair the damage he's caused me but my heart still breaks everyday for my children.

[2.50 a gallon]

bh

 

The first holiday is the worst. I know it was rough, but you made it through. Be thankful you have your children

 

My GF and I have to face New Years Day, it is the 11th anniversary of the day her son commited suicide. The hardest part is knowing that if her demon daughter had told us the truth of what she had said to her brother we would have been able to put a stop to it. So I know of what you say. She will be down most of the day, and all I can do is be there for her.

 

I am so glad you laid into your STBXH, especially the part about some day seeing you with someone else. That is when his loving you in a different way is going to collapse.

 

I still smell the influence of his mother. A real man who realizes he screwed the pooch would find a way to climb out of his hole and fix things.

 

The lyrics of the "Impossible Dream" come to mind, "to right the unrightable wrong" That is what a real man would do.

 

You do sound a little bit better.

 

Please keep posting here

 

Your friend Gallon

[MrMayI]

bh, i'm so glad you posted! i'm hardly on here and have looked for posts from you a couple times. you're doing great! you're putting yourself back together. you're coming up on a year since this mess began, and with the uniqueness of it, you've done a damn good job.

 

even if he decides to dig his way out, do you still have enough to trust and work with him to piece it back together? this man ****ed up, royally, and should know that. he should feel that for a long, long time IMHO. good luck bh. happy new year! key words NEW YEAR.

[tojaz]

Good for you voicing your opinions on what hes done. He needed to hear it, and he needed to hear it from you.

 

Broken, you probably don't see it, but you get stronger with every post, just with all that you said to him, you have removed that immense burden from your shoulders and placed it squarely on his.... where it belongs.

 

Your kids are going to be fine, I promise you that. Hold me to it if you like, With a mother like you to watch over them how could they not be. Sleep well with the comfort that he knows what he did was wrong and he sees how much hes losing, all to often the left behind don't get that kind of closure, left wondering forever in the back of their mind if it was them. It wasn't!

 

Happy New year, new life, new you. Make the most of it, skys the limit.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Sleep well with the comfort that he knows what he did was wrong and he sees how much hes losing, all to often the left behind don't get that kind of closure, left wondering forever in the back of their mind if it was them. It wasn't!

 

TOJAZ

 

Oh, so true! Mine said he had had not jilted me! LOL And, people break up all the time, like 18 years and walking away without first trying to work anything out is no biggie! Oh and it was all my fault and it was the right decision.

 

Nice to see you BH, I'm so proud of you for standing up to him, he needed to hear that! Happy New Year to you, I know it's going to be so much better than this one for you.

[tojaz]

Oh, so true! Mine said he had had not jilted me! LOL And, people break up all the time, like 18 years and walking away without first trying to work anything out is no biggie! Oh and it was all my fault and it was the right decision.

 

Nice to see you BH, I'm so proud of you for standing up to him, he needed to hear that! Happy New Year to you, I know it's going to be so much better than this one for you.

 

Lis, its justification and nothing more. They all do it just so they can live withthemselves and eventually it crumbles around them, the trick is to know that you can't believe their BS and put the blame on yourself.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Lis, its justification and nothing more. They all do it just so they can live withthemselves and eventually it crumbles around them, the trick is to know that you can't believe their BS and put the blame on yourself.

TOJAZ

 

I guess, trouble is when and how would I know it has crumbled around him, that would be the only way I would ever get complete closure.