Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[broken hearted]

I understand exactly what you're saying Tojaz! You did share your letter that you wrote to your ex with me...it was beautiful and so touching! I had definitely planned on holding off on sending him the letter, I can't take anymore pain at this point.

 

I truly envy all of you out there who are going through a separation or divorce without children involved! I would give anything to just be able to move on and not have to see my stbx. I have to see him 4 days a week bc of our children! I would be so much further in my healing process if we didn't have children together...for goodness sakes, it's been 9 months already and I'm still in the denial stage most days.

 

On a positive note, my son is FINALLY getting the hang of potty training...4 days now, no diapers!!!!! HOORAH!!! And this is all thanks to me...my stbx has nothing to do with training our son!!

[tojaz]

I understand exactly what you're saying Tojaz! You did share your letter that you wrote to your ex with me...it was beautiful and so touching! I had definitely planned on holding off on sending him the letter, I can't take anymore pain at this point.

 

I truly envy all of you out there who are going through a separation or divorce without children involved! I would give anything to just be able to move on and not have to see my stbx. I have to see him 4 days a week bc of our children! I would be so much further in my healing process if we didn't have children together...for goodness sakes, it's been 9 months already and I'm still in the denial stage most days.

 

 

 

I would imagine that kids make it a hundred times worse, and being pregnant!? Your tough as nails! I don't think your really in denial. You have a very clear look at whats happening. You don't want it, wish things could be different, but you have accepted it and are grieving. Your in a lot better place then you give yourself credit for. I still feel like you do sometimes, and I don't have two little ones to wrangle!

 

On a positive note, my son is FINALLY getting the hang of potty training...4 days now, no diapers!!!!! HOORAH!!! And this is all thanks to me...my stbx has nothing to do with training our son!!

 

Want proof your doing well..... for the last four days, you've only been dealing with half the sh*t you usually have to. :laugh:;) And your right, its all you!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

I truly envy all of you out there who are going through a separation or divorce without children involved! I would give anything to just be able to move on and not have to see my stbx. I have to see him 4 days a week bc of our children! I would be so much further in my healing process if we didn't have children together...for goodness sakes, it's been 9 months already and I'm still in the denial stage most days.

 

It's funny, broken. I envy those of you who still have contact with your exes. Everytime someone gets a letter or a card or a text message, I wonder what I did that makes her not even speak to me anymore. She had to leave me AND erase me completely from her life, as if I don't exist or deserve a passing thought, or a "how are you doing". I know you all say it screws with your mind...but it's just amazingly cruel to be completely left behind. I don't get to see any indication of regret or sadness...

 

Anyway, I'm not in everyone else's shoes, so I can't really compare situations. I guess it just sucks either way.

 

Sorry that this is not a helpful post. Probably belongs on my own thread. I guess I just needed to vent.

[tojaz]

It's funny, broken. I envy those of you who still have contact with your exes. Everytime someone gets a letter or a card or a text message, I wonder what I did that makes her not even speak to me anymore. She had to leave me AND erase me completely from her life, as if I don't exist or deserve a passing thought, or a "how are you doing". I know you all say it screws with your mind...but it's just amazingly cruel to be completely left behind. I don't get to see any indication of regret or sadness...

 

Anyway, I'm not in everyone else's shoes, so I can't really compare situations. I guess it just sucks either way.

 

Sorry that this is not a helpful post. Probably belongs on my own thread. I guess I just needed to vent.

 

Take it from me SHB look at my threads of late, sometimes that little crumb of contact hurts a lot more then nothing at all.

TOJAZ

[JaneDoe35]

I would absolutely prefer no contact with my husband but cannot do that because of our daughter. But you can bet that if that were actually the case I would be wishing we did have a child so that I would still get to see him!!!

 

It's all pain I guess, just in different forms.

[Auroracoladybug]

BH:eek:...I AM JEALOUS!!! how did you potty train the little man? :bunny::bunny:PM me LOL. I want to get my baby out of the diapers too:p. On that note you know that you have some major mommy skills...you didn't need the ex...hope your letter has given you some peace. I know that I have been thinking lots more about writing letters to J...I have been so bad about writing in my Journal to my son...gotta get back to that.

 

You rock girl!!!

[broken hearted]

In the middle of a breakdown...

 

Damn, I was doing so good the last couple of days! I just can't believe this is happening! Please somebody...anybody, wake me up!

 

I'm sitting here wearing his sweatshirt, eating dinner alone while he has the kids and picturing his tears running down his cheeks as he watches me walking down the aisle! What the hell happened, we were supposed to be forever! I DON'T WANT THIS TO END!

 

How did something so right go so wrong?? I need someone to give me an answer to that bc it all just doesn't make sense to me!

[tojaz]

In the middle of a breakdown...

 

Damn, I was doing so good the last couple of days! I just can't believe this is happening! Please somebody...anybody, wake me up!

 

I'm sitting here wearing his sweatshirt, eating dinner alone while he has the kids and picturing his tears running down his cheeks as he watches me walking down the aisle! What the hell happened, we were supposed to be forever! I DON'T WANT THIS TO END!

 

How did something so right go so wrong?? I need someone to give me an answer to that bc it all just doesn't make sense to me!

 

Broken! The memories are killers, i won't lie, but remember a little of your recent history. I've been following your story, and sounds to me that you were a great mother, a fantastic wife, and just a fabulous person all around, not to mention drop dead gorgeous! Fact of the matter is, he didn't treat you very well, or with the respect that you deserve! He is not the man that cried when you walked down the aisle or the guy that filled out that sweatshirt your wearing. It went wrong because of a fatal flaw in him. You did the best you can and he abused that. Don't you want THAT to end?

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Take off his sweatshirt. Go through your house and toss whatever he once owned into garbage bags and let him have it. Why are you torturing yourself? Dry those tears, be proud of yourself, love yourself. You are not defined by him wanting you or not. He is history. He has treated you cruelly and your thoughts are filled with lovey dovey stuff for him and about him. You need to change your mindset. You can do this! You have to!

[broken hearted]

You're right Tojaz, I do want this pain and disrespect to end, no one deserves how I've been treated or disrespected. But at the same time, I want this current state of my husband to die and the old one to re-emerge. I want to pretend none of this ever happened and to go back to the way things used to be, before the stresses of kids, house, bills, jobs, life ever got in the way. I want everything I have currently but I the old hiim is the only thing missing. I would be the happiest girl in the world if I could have everythign I have now along with the marriage I had 5 years ago. He was head over heels in love with me Tojaz...he told me everyday how lucky he was and how beautiful I was and how happy I made him and how much he loved me and that he's wanted to marry me since he was 17. Gosh this hurts so bad to remember the good times.

 

We went to different colleges an hour away and I remember so many times, I picked everything up and left my homework untouched so I could drive to his school and help him with his paper or his homework or study for his test. I remember him emailing me every single paper he had to write for college so that I could proofread it before he handed it in. I remember dropping everything in the middle of the night to drive an hour to be with him bc his grandfather died. I remember letting him take my car back to his college bc his truck was broken, leaving me to walk to all my classes. I remember surprising him with NY Jets tickets...we flew to NY, watched the game, then flew back home the next day bc he was a die hard Jets fan and had never been to a game. There's so many little things that I've done for him that he has just forgotten about. Things that I'm sure not every girl would do for their man. The list is endless...

[hopesndreams]

Your memories are like pages in a book and you will keep flipping those pages for years. Some bits of that book will have you falling to bits and after you do, do not go back to that page in the book. So many chapters to get through. One day, you'll be done that book and it will go on the shelf and get dusty. Every now and again, you will blow off the dust, you'll flip through the pages and you may even smile and then it will go back on the shelf to collect more dust.

 

You need to start living your life in the present and future, there are so many more books to be written.

[tojaz]

You're right Tojaz, I do want this pain and disrespect to end, no one deserves how I've been treated or disrespected. But at the same time, I want this current state of my husband to die and the old one to re-emerge. I want to pretend none of this ever happened and to go back to the way things used to be, before the stresses of kids, house, bills, jobs, life ever got in the way. I want everything I have currently but I the old hiim is the only thing missing. I would be the happiest girl in the world if I could have everythign I have now along with the marriage I had 5 years ago. He was head over heels in love with me Tojaz...he told me everyday how lucky he was and how beautiful I was and how happy I made him and how much he loved me and that he's wanted to marry me since he was 17. Gosh this hurts so bad to remember the good times.

 

If you know it hurts, then why keep doing it to yourself? I'll tell you why, because you don't want to let go. The stresses of kids, house, bills etc. Thats life! every one copes with it, and most do it without doing what he did to you. I'm sure he loved you Broken, I know he did. My wife loved me too. Would hear it constantly and would make my heart flutter like a little girl. (I'm such a wus). Couldn't walk out the door for work without her pulling me back for one more kiss. You know my story though, and it did not have a happy ending either. The happy times and fond memories will be with you for life, enjoy them, but keep in mind how he initiated the breakdown. He chose that. Your absolutely right that you don't deserve how he treated you, he hurt you, and your letting him hurt you now.

 

We went to different colleges an hour away and I remember so many times, I picked everything up and left my homework untouched so I could drive to his school and help him with his paper or his homework or study for his test. I remember him emailing me every single paper he had to write for college so that I could proofread it before he handed it in. I remember dropping everything in the middle of the night to drive an hour to be with him bc his grandfather died. I remember letting him take my car back to his college bc his truck was broken, leaving me to walk to all my classes. I remember surprising him with NY Jets tickets...we flew to NY, watched the game, then flew back home the next day bc he was a die hard Jets fan and had never been to a game. There's so many little things that I've done for him that he has just forgotten about. Things that I'm sure not every girl would do for their man. The list is endless...

 

You are obviously an incredible catch broken, the part I'm missing here is, how much of those loving gestures were returned. You gave an awful lot.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Your memories are like pages in a book and you will keep flipping those pages for years. Some bits of that book will have you falling to bits and after you do, do not go back to that page in the book. So many chapters to get through. One day, you'll be done that book and it will go on the shelf and get dusty. Every now and again, you will blow off the dust, you'll flip through the pages and you may even smile and then it will go back on the shelf to collect more dust.

 

You need to start living your life in the present and future, there are so many more books to be written.

 

Hopesndreams - that's beautiful, I like that. Great post and great advice.

 

Broken - You have done so much for this man and given him a gorgeous family, he has no idea what he has lost. IT'S TIME TO TAKE BACK, GIRL!! I know exactly how you feel, many here do, but you have to TAKE BACK your self-esteem that he has stolen from you. TAKE BACK that part that makes you YOU without him.

 

I know how bad it hurts, especially with a new baby....been there, done that when I had my daughter, he cheated on me the entire time I was pregnant and left me sitting for days at home before he would come "check" on me. I know it's not easy, but what made me strong was the love for my daughter. I took back what he took from me, my heart, my dignity and my self-esteem. Keep your chin up and know that he's the one losing something....one day, he will realize that.

[Beebie]

In the middle of a breakdown...

 

Damn, I was doing so good the last couple of days! I just can't believe this is happening! Please somebody...anybody, wake me up!

 

I'm sitting here wearing his sweatshirt, eating dinner alone while he has the kids and picturing his tears running down his cheeks as he watches me walking down the aisle! What the hell happened, we were supposed to be forever! I DON'T WANT THIS TO END!

 

How did something so right go so wrong?? I need someone to give me an answer to that bc it all just doesn't make sense to me!

 

Broken - I've asked myself that question a million times. It never gets answered and I've started to accept it will probably never be answered. You have to remember this is your H's doing, not yours. You didn't create this, HE did. Try to focus entirely on yourself and your lovely children. I know you hurt for your children, but remember this - they've got YOU. And when that rollercoaster is on it's way down - you've got THEM.

[2.50 a gallon]

Broken Hearted

 

Sometimes there are no answers

 

I know I have posted many times how wonderful I think my GF is. She is one of the most kindest and most giving people you will ever meet. Whenever one of her co-workers need an extra $5 to $10, they come to her. Sometimes she has to work at night. There is this wild momma cat who comes out at night and hangs around the workers rest area. Guess who never fails to take the cat a handful of dry cat food, or the left over rib.

 

She loves Mickey, Minnie, Taz and Tweetie. She still believes that Santa's reindeer can fly. She is a gem

 

When it comes to looks, she is a knock out. She has long legs to die for. She is a 50 plus grandma, who still has and hour glass figure and looks great in a bikini.

 

So why is this woman still available at age 40 when I met her? Because like you she had a idiot husband who let her go.

 

She is a super mom. Her family was her whole life. I saw her cancel a dentist appointment, and her tooth was hurting bad, and put it off until the next pay day, or another 2 weeks, because her grandaughter needed something.

 

And yet she lost her son to suicide. Her demon druggie daughter is so screwed up that the state has taken her grandaughter, who my GF totally supported for the first 10 years of her life. She has seen her grandaughter only once in the past 2 years, and the state is trying to adopt her out.

 

In short, this loving, kind, giving mother has totally lost all of her family.

 

For my GF there are no answers. What is, is! And we have to live with it.

 

Your friend Gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

Broken Hearted

 

I am 60 plus. I have always loved beautiful women. I do not know the number of women that I have met in my life time, but it has to be in the thousands.

 

I am not BSing, you, you are without a doubt in the top half percent. Your smile is radiant.

 

You have a cheating husband. You are in good company!

 

Look at Halle Berry, a Bond girl, an academy award winner.

 

Or Charles and Di. Have you seen the ears on that guy. Knock out a tooth and he looks like Alfred E. Newman of Mad magazine fame. And look what he trade down for.

 

Gallon

[tojaz]

Broken,

In thinking about your thread and so many others. Like i said before, your torturing yourself. The answers your looking for, you already have. You have detailed the breakdown to the last detail. The trap we throw ourselves into is that the pieces will never fit for us. We look for logic or reason where there is none. We all try to fit what happened into a neat little box and put a label on it so we can better understand.

 

The mind of a leaver dosen't work the same though. I hear your story and think how any man could bear to be angry with such a woman, let alone do what he has done to you. I hear that with most of the stories here, but most everyone here is of like mind. This place is made up of people that respect and cherish their relationships and protect the hearts of the ones they love.

 

The question asked is always "why did they leave?" when after demonstrating that they are not capable of loving like we do and caring and giving like we do, the question has to become "why would we stay when they are not willing to love us the way we need to be loved?" why sacrafice our values and our desires based on a shared history they no longer want to respect? To protect our vows, our classic definition of family?

 

In the end Broken, and it took a long time. I realized that even if her body came back, if the love I craved wasn't there, then it would just be a ficade where I could find comfort and stability, and believe me I miss that, but the pleasure and joy i took in loving her and celebrating our marriage would never be there unless she was not only willing but desired for herself to return that. You have to put your happiness and that of your kids before your marriage, before most anything. I've told you so many times not to settle for anything less then you deserve. That includes settling for him.

TOJAZ

Edited November 11, 2009 by tojaz

[broken hearted]

I just want this pain to go away! How do I make this pain go away? I can't escape from it, it consumes me daily, it's unbearable at times.

 

I don't know how to get around the pain of the betrayal. This man was supposed to be my best friend. I trusted him with my life and especially my heart. He was the one who was supposed to protect me from pain above all others. He was the one I let in completely and gave my entire heart and trust to. So, the one person who should be the furthest from causing me pain is the person who has inflicted the most pain. He can leave me...fine...but why did he have to do it this way? Some people keep telling me that, you guys were separated so you can't call it an affair. I do know for a fact that he was not seeing this woman when he left, however, to me, it is an affair when it is not agreed upon by both parties to see other people.

 

I'm going to counseling and yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm trying my best to work on myself and be around my support system. No, I won't take meds bc I am nursing and I am terrified how it may affect my daughter. So, with all of this, how am I still in such unbearable pain? When will this ever begin to subside??? I WANT TO MOVE ON DAMMIT AND NO MAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO A WOMAN IN THIS STATE!!

[Auroracoladybug]

BH I wish I could hug you...you have done so well...don't throw yourself back in that pit...

 

I don't know what suddenly turns a man from a protector to a selfish a-hole...If I did maybe I could be rich...

 

No a man would not find you in this state attractive because you are vulnerable...monsters do though and you don't deserve anymore of that b.s. You are gorgeous! in more ways than you think but you don't want to attract a man who wants to fix you...you want to fix you...

 

You can do it!!! you are super mommy!!! you still didn't let me know how you potty trained little man (PM me the secret)

[Boundary Problem]

PTSD when going through divorce?

 

Not only possible, quite probable if you are an emotional person who invested heavily.

 

I went through that. Slowly it loses its grip on you. But other than absolutely necessary things, I didn't leave the house for a year.

 

You find out who your true friends are. And they won't be the people you predicted would help you.

[tojaz]

I just want this pain to go away! How do I make this pain go away? I can't escape from it, it consumes me daily, it's unbearable at times.

 

I don't know how to get around the pain of the betrayal. This man was supposed to be my best friend. I trusted him with my life and especially my heart. He was the one who was supposed to protect me from pain above all others. He was the one I let in completely and gave my entire heart and trust to. So, the one person who should be the furthest from causing me pain is the person who has inflicted the most pain. He can leave me...fine...but why did he have to do it this way? Some people keep telling me that, you guys were separated so you can't call it an affair. I do know for a fact that he was not seeing this woman when he left, however, to me, it is an affair when it is not agreed upon by both parties to see other people.

 

I'm going to counseling and yes, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm trying my best to work on myself and be around my support system. No, I won't take meds bc I am nursing and I am terrified how it may affect my daughter. So, with all of this, how am I still in such unbearable pain? When will this ever begin to subside???

 

Broken, I must have read this post a dozen times trying to find the right words. All I can say is, your right. He did betray you, he did disrespect you, he continues to insult you and your family with his actions. I think the pain subsides when you accept that and to be blunt, GET PISSED!!:mad: He left this way because this is the only way his selfish mind could do it. He couldn't be honest, he couldn't be caring, it had to be scorched earth no looking back, because he knows what hes done is wrong, but he did it anyways. Hes a coward! The only way he could do it was by jurting you and thats what he did, now your in ruins and where is he? There are ways to leave that don't cause the deep emotional scars that are caused by a situation like this. A real man, someone worthy of your tears would have helped you to understand, done everything he could to help you with the transition and to make coping easier. He would have let go with love and helped you to do the same. My divorce was a sucker punch as well, I woke up in love that morning and went to bed alone that night. Had no idea how she felt, had no idea she was unhappy, and had no idea what she was missing. It was an ambush, by the time I got let in on the joke, she had already talked to an attorney, looked for an apartment. It was all planned.

 

People who are left like we were and so many others here don't deserve that. The vets come in and tell you you deserve better and to let him/her go etc. is because they are detached, they see it for what it is. I didn't see it, couldn't be angry at her, refused to believe what she had done because i loved her so, I held out hope to the very end and beyond that she would wake up and the sweet loving girl i married would surface. She never did but I still longed for her. i still hurt and even now i slip back into that from time to time, but more then anything now i'm angry. She didn't give it a chance, try to make it work, or at the very least try to let me off easy. When i realized that the pain was replaced for the most part.

 

Broken, i'm not ashamed to admit that several of your posts have brought a tear to my eye. The pain of all you have gone through is unbearable. Find your anger! Bring what he has become to the light of day, it is the only way you can move on.

 

I WANT TO MOVE ON DAMMIT AND NO MAN IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO A WOMAN IN THIS STATE!!

We've already discussed your attractiveness at length, but, In that state, you don't need a man, but to reclaim your self and your own power. Be your own woman, defined by nobody else. A woman stronger for what she has endured and conquered, a fabulous single mother, and a good caring heart. I would defy you to find any good man that couldn't be attracted to that.

TOJAZ

[parmaker14]

I didn't plan to post to this thread because actually I'm learning so much on here and I don't think I have much advice to share. But, Broken Hearted I saw some of your comments on MrMayI's post and I can tell your self-esteem has taken a real pounding. I just want to tell you that whatever your husband did to you, and I have to admit here I haven't taken the time to read your whole story, but regardless whatever he did was due to his problems, his weaknesses, his shortcomings, it had nothing to do with you. I've seen your pictures, you're gorgeous. So please, try to believe me, this isn't because of you. From what little I've read I think your husband is stupid for ever letting you go. So keep your chin up. You have every right to feel bad, these are all natural feelings to have after going through what you did. Time will heal the wounds you've suffered. You may not even want to think about moving on and getting into another relationship yet but someday you will. When that day comes, I'll bet you a hundred dollars the guys will be lined up wanting your hand. When you meet the right guy, he's not going to care that you have a child, he's going to fall in love with you and your children. I know that because I did. I married a woman that had two boys from her previous marriage. It didn't matter to me that she had children, I loved her and I wanted her to be my wife. So hang in there, try to keep smiling, you can get through this.

[broken hearted]

Um...so I totally left my stbxh a drunk message at the wee hours of this morning...I mean a really drunk message and I have no idea what I said...how much I love him and other stupid things I'm sure...how the hell do I get out of this one!!???!!??

[tojaz]

Just ignore it like it never happened Broken. Chances are he won't say anything anyways. If he does.... tell him you were drunk and would never have called him like that had you been sober. Or tell him that you were trying to call someone else!!:p:p I really wouldn't worry about it Broken, hopefully you gave him a good piece of your mind!!

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

IIRC in another post you mentioned the ex was getting the boy on Thursday. Does the boy get to spend today with you or the ex?

 

As to the inebriated ramble, forget it, who know what you said, maybe you got lucky and mentioned Tojaz and his tux