Zaragon Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I am going through a divorce and I write to ease my pain. I have been reading a lot of threads here with people having the same questions and thoughts. So this is for everyone that still is in love and grieving. Please don't critique me I am not a writer nor can I take anymore pain. If there is anyone in San Diego going through this pain I want to meet you. *********Weathervanes Of Love ********** Prelude. I could write a long book on this subject but as with everything else the complexities in my mind far outlive my fantasies. Love? I am not sure what it is. What makes love turn into hate so easily. Ego's get hurt, people change, angels turn to demons. In the end you're left alone pondering if you ever were truly loved or hated. I feel as though someone reached in pulled a pin and left a grenade in my heart. My own wife, even when we were together told me everyday, "You don't love me." What must a man do or say to prove his love to his wife or gain her trust. I am not cheating or having an affair with anyone but her, how am I not in love with her. I am upset, saddened perhaps by our relationship and our painful interaction of volleying colorful words to each other. Why then? How? How did you go become that thing? How did I become this thing? A monster in the making hastened by the bonds of a fragile marriage. Word jumble. Things are always taken out of context. He told me to leave and get out. Well how about letting the world know, why? That will never come up because the victim cannot see all too clearly what they did wrong. Innocent little lamb just hopping by fields stealing some corn. So used to taking whats not yours. You like that don't you. Play this game some more and one day you'll be left with nothing but your tail. I dare you to say it as it is. I dare you to say you haven't wronged me. Own up to your mind and heart because this chase is getting old. Don't get me wrong here I have done and said things that could set a choir of children to cry. I don't deny or hide them but I can rightfully say what happened and how it happened. I am not good at puzzles personally, words come and go but how else do you end up being the angel right? Shower some blessings my way. Denial the game of love. Relationships break but anger and hate go forth. I have rid my anger but sometimes it erupts like a volcano. How could she ever say that? I know this is a miscommunication, should I be the one to clarify. Will she hear me? I think not. When you firmly believe you have done nothing wrong in a marriage and our the innocent victim, wax is all that inhabits your ear. You promised to love them forever as well, yet you chastise them now. Cover in fear because one day denial will pass and you will be left broken and bleeding. Coward. Don't be fooled by the painful web you've spun. If you love someone tell them even if causes you more grief. You can't abandon them like they never meant anything. From lovers to strangers in an instant. Don't beg or prove your love, say it. Say it out loud and proud, "I still ****ing love you." Do you feel better? Will you dream of her tonight? Perhaps. As you cry and choke, and wonder if you're the worst person in this world -- unworthy of love. Remember this, regret is something that will hamper you throughout this pain. Don't let go and become like me. I live in a hole, a lonely dungeon. You will suffer only further. Face it, accept it let your love blossom and in time it will wither away. The memory or scent might not but a new flower may await you and her scent will masquerade the rotten stench of your wilting flower. Life is as beautiful as you want it to be. I am grieving for now but pray an angel will come fly away with me. Pride, ego, love. They are all intertwined. Often we lose our love because of it. Why should I beg her back? I offered -- she refused, she never accepted any of her faults. How can this work? Why won't the mind agree and let go? Why am I hanging on to this breaking thread, hoping she reaches out and ties the other end. Is it all a dream? Should I wish this upon a shooting star. Fables, I tried them as well but lets face it life is not so kind to the broken hearted. He-said she said, we all ****ing said. This relationship is dead. What do I do now? Where do I go? Should I embrace another woman with my warmth. Should I find someone else to love. My desire, my lust it was for you. How do I wash it off me? I feel like a maggot in a kitchen sink. Unwanted, unloved but too gross to be easily removed. End. The future is bleak. I can't seem to erase the places and things that give me traces of you. I am walking in sunshine and my heart quivers weighing me down with a 1000 heart beats. Do you feel the same way about me? If I walked past you would you turn around? Have you forgotten me as well? Can you close your eyes and see us smiling? Can you do me any last favors? Would you cry if I died today? If you won't reach out to me and slap me when I do, does it mean you are over me? Is it your ego that's hurting you or am I hurting you. You said you would never leave me and I said the same. I left you because you drove me insane. I want to be insane again perhaps. I do not feel guilty, I feel remorseful of all I have done. Things I should have done. I had one too many sleepless nights besides your callous heart. Whose going to punch me to sleep every night now? Whose going break my heart and make me cry now? Why did you become this thing? Did I bite you and turn you. You were the sweetest angel, the one that could blink and spread her joy. I was a loner and a lost soul captivated by your brightness. Why did it get so dark? I couldn't find my way out from this rut we were stuck in. One thing is true I loved you dearly and still do. I left you, I hurt you. I accept it. You can move on now with this thought that I destroyed you and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Wow, that was really beautiful. Well done. Would it be possible to have your consent to have that entered in my school's writing journal? Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Wow! I can relate to some of that stuff! I vowed to love my husband forever and I will honor that vow whether we're together or not! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zaragon Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 Wow, that was really beautiful. Well done. Would it be possible to have your consent to have that entered in my school's writing journal? Thanks, yes you may. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabyblues Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 That was so beautiful. Yes, you are a writer and an amazing one at that. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
beachbabyblues Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 "would you cry if i died today?" omg... I'm crying now, reading this..damn. Link to post Share on other sites
CBIIS1 Posted November 1, 2009 Share Posted November 1, 2009 Yup, it sucks, but guys, stop blaming yourselves. Tell her you love her, and she'll smile and watch you bleed. Love someone else, you deserve it, and someone else deserves your love. I still tell my ex I love her but I'm not sure I still really do. I like to make her feel like she's hurting me. That's what she wants. I like to look at her when she's evil. It makes it that much more easy to dismiss her. Open your eyes. Love blinded most of us. Link to post Share on other sites
MightyQuinn Posted November 2, 2009 Share Posted November 2, 2009 Dark and beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 Yup, it sucks, but guys, stop blaming yourselves. Tell her you love her, and she'll smile and watch you bleed. Love someone else, you deserve it, and someone else deserves your love. I still tell my ex I love her but I'm not sure I still really do. I like to make her feel like she's hurting me. That's what she wants. I like to look at her when she's evil. It makes it that much more easy to dismiss her. Open your eyes. Love blinded most of us. Deep and insightful my friend, and so very true. Yes, there comes a point where we must rise above and see the sunshine again. That's the way! I love my ex, but I'm not in love with her. How's that for a twist? The beauty part is 1) It's true and 2) I didn't cheat and lie to validate it; she earned it with her actions. I'm still nice. Kill 'em with kindness. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) please ignore repost Edited November 5, 2009 by Steadfast Link to post Share on other sites
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