Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 You come across as too heavy, my 2 cents. I'm sure I do to you and many like you. Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 I'm sure I do to you and many like you. I don't think it matters how you come across to me, I think it matters more how you come across to the opposite sex. But, something tells me it matters to you way too much how you come across to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 But, something tells me it matters to you way too much how you come across to everyone. And what makes you think that? Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 And what makes you think that? This in particular I feel like I am doing everything right And everything that goes before it, you just seem to be trying that little bit too hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 You just seem to be trying that little bit too hard. Trying too hard to get things in my life straight? Too hard relative to what? Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Trying too hard to get things in my life straight? Too hard relative to what? Too hard relative to what's healthy for you. You've got perfectionist written all over you and I would bet that part of what's driving off the opposite sex is a lack of an easygoing nature. http://stress.about.com/od/understandingstress/a/perfectionist.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Too hard relative to what's healthy for you. You've got perfectionist written all over you and I would bet that part of what's driving off the opposite sex is a lack of an easygoing nature. You don't even know me and you are making assumptions based on what you are reading on an internet forum... Give me something helpful instead of telling me what "type" of person you have judged me to be and linking an article that you expect to speak for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 You don't even know me and you are making assumptions based on what you are reading on an internet forum... Give me something helpful instead of telling me what "type" of person you have judged me to be and linking an article that you expect to speak for you. lol. Now I know I've definitely nailed your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 lol. Now I know I've definitely nailed your problem. Mhmm... you. lol Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 You come across as too heavy, my 2 cents. His posts also seem rehearsed and completely non-genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 You come across as too heavy, my 2 cents. This is exactly the problem I have too... many people think I'm too heavy, while I think that those same people don't carry enough intellectual weight. This basic incompatibility has scuppered many potential relationships with otherwise nice people. Even my own mother tells me to "stop being so boring or nobody will ever want to marry you" I think the trick is to find someone who likes what you have to offer rather than being bored by it (unfortunately easier said than done). I don't really want someone who will merely tolerate my mind because they like the look of the package it comes in, particularly because if someone doesn't connect with you on an intellectual level you actually feel just as lonely as you would if you were single (perhaps even more so). Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 This is exactly the problem I have too... many people think I'm too heavy, while I think that those same people don't carry enough intellectual weight. This basic incompatibility has scuppered many potential relationships with otherwise nice people. Even my own mother tells me to "stop being so boring or nobody will ever want to marry you" I think the trick is to find someone who likes what you have to offer rather than being bored by it (unfortunately easier said than done). I don't really want someone who will merely tolerate my mind because they like the look of the package it comes in, particularly because if someone doesn't connect with you on an intellectual level you actually feel just as lonely as you would if you were single (perhaps even more so). You're getting mixed up between being intellectual/intelligent and being heavy. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Notice the qualifier from my statement: "if he is worth his salt as a partner." If you never give a guy a chance to listen to you go on about your passions, then how do you know? I say keep trying. Well I do try to talk to people about things that interest me, but I generally stop when I see their eyes glaze over My experience is that only a very small cross-section of society actually enjoy (or at least don't mind) me wittering on about things that interest me, and an even smaller cross-section of society will think about it and provide a response that makes it worthwhile for me to have explained all that stuff to them. The odds of an attractive man falling into that cross-section are probably miniscule. But, initial appearances can be deceiving and you can never know the state of something until it is observed. Schrödinger's Cat comes to mind. Do you mean that it's difficult to filter people until you get to know them better? I think I stand out fairly well as a bit of a geek - I'm the one wearing the tshirt with the first thousand digits of Pi on the front (and no, I'm not kidding - I was actually rather proud of myself when I wore it on Pi Day March 3rd - 3.14 ) -exhales- You seem to have pinned me on the quantitative vs. qualitative argument, all I can do is bow and say, "touché!" Sorry In your defence, you couldn't expect to win that argument, because my research is focused on exactly that topic. I hold you in the highest esteem as an intellectual, but I noticed that this statement contradicts the previous one: "Perhaps what I need to look at is changing my perceptions to influence the results more positively :p" Yes, you're right... I guess I haven't changed my perceptions yet, since I'm clearly still viewing the world from a negative viewpoint. I shall endeavour to change that Your perception is that "some people run out of time." And through implication, you appear to be grouping yourself as someone who is running out of time because you believe that the evidence at hand is pointing you to this "inevitable" conclusion. I would argue that this is a "negative proof fallacy" in your reasoning as you do not have enough proof to support that this is the case. To make a conclusion on the absence of evidence before you would be premature because, at this time, you have indeed, not run out of time. Conceded Grasping the concept that I have in fact not yet run out of time for the whole marriage and kids thing actually makes me feel somewhat better. I guess I was working on the basis that because it hasn't happened in the last fifteen years I can't expect it to suddenly materialise now... but every day is a new opportunity. It's downright difficult. The toughest battles we fight are with ourselves. A joke comes to mind: Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change itself. Rofl My point: you just have to want to struggle with yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin, but even though I like myself I do tend to assume that other people don't. Or I assume that they may like my skin but not what's inside it; unfortunately this is a belief borne out by experience Still I try to remain positive; I like being me and I have no desire to change in order to please other people (it took me a couple of decades to be able to say that with any conviction). Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Eh Thorton, Having worked in academia, you can be intellectual and intelligent without being a bore. You need some spontaneity and fun mixed in with varied life experiences (not YOU in particular I am talking more about intellectuals in general). There is nothing more boring then when you speak as if reading a textbook. I find some intellectuals dull and 2-dimensional as if they are "the nerd" and nothing else. Amusingly enough, I have read a study that found that male and female (hard) intellectuals are not a good match. I don't recall how they defined intellectuals but they said something along the lines of "cold fish match". It also said that intellectual men are more attracted to intelligent but sparky and fun women (note intelligent and intellectual are not interchangeable), but the same is not true for women. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 You're getting mixed up between being intellectual/intelligent and being heavy. Oh I see. May I ask what you mean by "heavy" then? Do you perhaps mean serious? Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Amusingly enough, I have read a study that found that male and female (hard) intellectuals are not a good match. I don't recall how they defined intellectuals but they said something along the lines of "cold fish match". It also said that intellectual men are more attracted to intelligent but sparky and fun women (note intelligent and intellectual are not interchangeable), but the same is not true for women. So the men I would be attracted to, won't be attracted to me? Very well then; I must make a note in my diary to be more sparky and fun, and also block out some time in which to practise my spontaneity Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Question for the original poster (I skimmed over the posts so this might have already been discussed): On the spectrum of dominant and aggressive women to the shy and submissive, what type do you prefer or lean towards? Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 So the men I would be attracted to, won't be attracted to me? Very well then; I must make a note in my diary to be more sparky and fun, and also block out some time in which to practise my spontaneity Hahaha that was good. Similar was said in the book "The art of seduction". The book is not that great but has some valid points. Link to post Share on other sites
Rudderless Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Oh I see. May I ask what you mean by "heavy" then? Do you perhaps mean serious? Yes, it's a mentality of seeing life as a series of very important successes and failures - failure or in any way is very difficult to cope with, which often translates through to taking rejection particularly hard as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 31, 2009 Share Posted October 31, 2009 Oh. I guess I am "heavy" too then Perhaps I should give up on relationships and just buy a rocking chair and a cat instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Question for the original poster (I skimmed over the posts so this might have already been discussed): On the spectrum of dominant and aggressive women to the shy and submissive, what type do you prefer or lean towards? Aggressive women seem to come my way quite a bit more than shy ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Yes, it's a mentality of seeing life as a series of very important successes and failures - failure or in any way is very difficult to cope with, which often translates through to taking rejection particularly hard as well. You didn't read the entire thread because if you had, you would have seen this being discussed in several places. This thread is about learning to cope and become more flexible, mentally. I think you have missed the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 Well I do try to talk to people about things that interest me, but I generally stop when I see their eyes glaze over My experience is that only a very small cross-section of society actually enjoy (or at least don't mind) me wittering on about things that interest me, and an even smaller cross-section of society will think about it and provide a response that makes it worthwhile for me to have explained all that stuff to them. The odds of an attractive man falling into that cross-section are probably miniscule. A reposte: Yes, but do you have the statistics for this cross-section on a global scale? If so, what are the actual figures? Hmmm? Hmmm? How about just the millions of people that surround you? And how many of those millions have you dated (lol I'm just giving an extreme example)? You can't and don't know for sure. This is an "appeal to probability" fallacy. Just because it could happen, does not mean that it will happen. Do you mean that it's difficult to filter people until you get to know them better? I think I stand out fairly well as a bit of a geek - I'm the one wearing the tshirt with the first thousand digits of Pi on the front (and no, I'm not kidding - I was actually rather proud of myself when I wore it on Pi Day March 3rd - 3.14 ) HOT!!!! Sorry In your defence, you couldn't expect to win that argument, because my research is focused on exactly that topic. ROFLMAO. You ARE confident! Conceded Grasping the concept that I have in fact not yet run out of time for the whole marriage and kids thing actually makes me feel somewhat better. I guess I was working on the basis that because it hasn't happened in the last fifteen years I can't expect it to suddenly materialise now... but every day is a new opportunity. I'm glad I could help you see that differently. I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin, but even though I like myself I do tend to assume that other people don't. Or I assume that they may like my skin but not what's inside it; unfortunately this is a belief borne out by experience Still I try to remain positive; I like being me and I have no desire to change in order to please other people (it took me a couple of decades to be able to say that with any conviction). This is a worry. But like you said, every day is a new opportunity. I'd definitely try to get your attention if you were wearing that t-shirt around me. Which you have given me a great idea for meeting people. 3/14 See you just helped me out! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 So the men I would be attracted to, won't be attracted to me? Very well then; I must make a note in my diary to be more sparky and fun, and also block out some time in which to practise my spontaneity I've found you sparky and fun... if I may say so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zansatsu Posted October 31, 2009 Author Share Posted October 31, 2009 (edited) Question for the original poster (I skimmed over the posts so this might have already been discussed): On the spectrum of dominant and aggressive women to the shy and submissive, what type do you prefer or lean towards? An addition: I don't know what you would classify this as. I'm looking for someone who can sit back and enjoy in some moments, or step forward and speak up in others. I guess the word I'm looking for is I want an assertive woman. Edited October 31, 2009 by Zansatsu Typo Link to post Share on other sites
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