Sensitive but strong male...

[Mary3]

I feel Love brewing in the Air between Z and a few posters

[Thornton]

Ever heard of sunshine and fresh-air? Maybe the chirpy-chirps of birds? People watching?

"Outdoors" means "Away from books/computers"; an equivalence that could only result in my unhappiness. I actually have a sticker on my back that says "Keep Out Of Direct Sunlight". Anyway, sunlight gives you wrinkles. However I believe we're supposed to go outside to get vitamin D and alleviate depression, so I do venture out occasionally.

 

If you and I were the same person, then you would be here and we would both be happy. What are you waiting for?

 

If you and I were the same person, it would be called narcissism or masturbation, depending on what we were doing. Also they would lock you up for talking to yourself.

 

That's a chicken or egg question. Was I unhappy with her, so she became unhappy with me? Or was she unhappy with me, so I became unhappy with her?

 

In many cases, one person is completely happy while the other is unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship and their partner. What I mean is, are you usually the one who is satisfied or dissatisfied? I am usually the latter, which probably means my standards are too high.

 

I found myself in relationships feeling like the emotional mule and often times the financial ox, while having my freedoms curtailed beyond reason (You can't see your friends or I will become upset).

 

The correct response in such a situation is to see your friends and allow her to become upset - she's inflicting it upon herself by being so unreasonable. If she was such a silly person as to consider that acceptable behaviour, I would have had second thoughts about dating her anyway. My attitude to a boyfriend going out with his friends would be "Great, now I can sit on the sofa in my pjs with a dram of whisky and read my book in peace".

 

I've always wanted an equal: companion, partner, and lover. I've always wanted someone who would be as devoted and loyal to me as I would be to her. I want mutual respect. I hear you, hun.

Loyalty and respect aren't necessarily so hard to find in a person. The problem is finding equal intelligence and ambition, mutual attraction and similar interests, in that same person who also loves and respects you. At least, it's difficult if you're looking for high standards of those attributes - unfortunately most genuises look like Bill Haverchuck

[Peaceful Guy]

I was once sensitive and strong, and what did it get me? Rejection, rudeness, rejection, evasiveness, rejection, unkindness, rejection... oh, and did I mention rejection???

 

To all those women out there who SAY they're looking for a nice guy, I say talk to the middle finger.

lol! he was like you and me once.. he smiled.. he laughed.. he cared.. and then that thing happened..

[Peaceful Guy]

stop feeling sorry for yourself.. yes, you are!.. just a little, cause you know how nice you are and it seems unfair... but.. like the ladies said, theyre driving to your state to knock your door down any minute so no worries.. you proved yourself.. they like you!, which means women in real life like you too. dont get so wrapped up in this description of yourself as a nice guy that you forget to live, and become a control freak... i mean, when was the last time you really ****ing partied (really cut loose i mean)(also, that was rhetorical, so dont quote me and answer that, im making a point here..)? what im trying to get at, is that i think you should live now as if for sure things are gonna work out.. like, have fun and be fun and stuff..

 

ide like to repeat this, as it may be the only useful thing in what i just typed.. i think you should live now as if for sure things are gonna work out. have fun and be fun!

[deux ex machina]

I feel Love brewing in the Air between Z and a few posters

 

Mary, I think you can agree with me when I say that ---

 

 

Z., just don't go taking any advice from Disillusioned!

 

He found a rather...er...let's just say...unique!...that's right...unique (not judging! ) solution to his romantic woes.

 

*

 

lol! he was like you and me once.. he smiled.. he laughed.. he cared.. and then that thing happened..

 

Ohhh, yesss. That thing happened...he is forever changed.

[Ross PK]

If you are a pisces than I believe in astrology.

 

If you are not a pisces, then I will remain a nonbeliever.

 

If you're a scorpio then I'll be a half-believer.

 

Like the pic, Awsome. Did you draw it yourself?

[Zansatsu]

"Outdoors" means "Away from books/computers"; an equivalence that could only result in my unhappiness. I actually have a sticker on my back that says "Keep Out Of Direct Sunlight". Anyway, sunlight gives you wrinkles. However I believe we're supposed to go outside to get vitamin D and alleviate depression, so I do venture out occasionally.

 

Mhmm, my Northern Spanish heritage gives me my complexion so I understand about sunlight. I'd prefer to stay looking as young as possible for as long as possible and besides Vitamin D can be supplemented. And depression is treatable through anti-depressants, so I've got both of those covered.

 

 

If you and I were the same person, it would be called narcissism or masturbation, depending on what we were doing. Also they would lock you up for talking to yourself.

 

I'm not sure if I should be arroused or disturbed... perhaps it's both, but for the record, you suggested the concept.

 

 

In many cases, one person is completely happy while the other is unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship and their partner. What I mean is, are you usually the one who is satisfied or dissatisfied? I am usually the latter, which probably means my standards are too high.

 

I've been in both kinds of relationships. I can't say that I'm an either/or person. Everything is in shades of grey, so I tend to see the good and bad in the relationships I've been in. I just want someone whose faults I can tolerate. lol

 

 

The correct response in such a situation is to see your friends and allow her to become upset - she's inflicting it upon herself by being so unreasonable. If she was such a silly person as to consider that acceptable behaviour, I would have had second thoughts about dating her anyway. My attitude to a boyfriend going out with his friends would be "Great, now I can sit on the sofa in my pjs with a dram of whisky and read my book in peace".

 

Trust me, they don't last long after that, I just seem to find too much of that.

 

 

Loyalty and respect aren't necessarily so hard to find in a person. The problem is finding equal intelligence and ambition, mutual attraction and similar interests, in that same person who also loves and respects you. At least, it's difficult if you're looking for high standards of those attributes - unfortunately most genuises look like Bill Haverchuck

 

I've seen too many cute and smart girls in my life to believe that they don't exist. Besides, I've been told I'm not too bad on the eyes either... check my avatar. But I agree, finding someone with all the right variables who is receptive to you *at the right time* is very difficult indeed.

[Zansatsu]

what im trying to get at, is that i think you should live now as if for sure things are gonna work out.. like, have fun and be fun and stuff..

 

ide like to repeat this, as it may be the only useful thing in what i just typed.. i think you should live now as if for sure things are gonna work out. have fun and be fun!

 

Thank you, this is what I'm striving for. Now get that nervous tick checked out. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

 

[Peaceful Guy]

Thank you, this is what I'm striving for. Now get that nervous tick checked out. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..

 

that was funny,, im trying to work on not being so critical of my thoughts and ideas, let them flow a little better.. itll smooth itself out eventually

[MN randomguy]

You sound like me. I'm turning 30 soon too. Its scary!

 

I'm getting this book out of the library.

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762415339/ref=s9_simz_gw_s0_p14_i2?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=130ZVD6R05MHSRGVNP1D&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

 

Somebody's gotta know, right??

[Thornton]

I've seen too many cute and smart girls in my life to believe that they don't exist. Besides, I've been told I'm not too bad on the eyes either... check my avatar. But I agree, finding someone with all the right variables who is receptive to you *at the right time* is very difficult indeed.

 

I am of the opinion (born of experience) that being not too bad on the eyes actually makes dating a lot harder. Most people are attracted to others who are of a similar (or higher) level of attractiveness to themselves, so if you're unattractive then all you have to look for in the other person is a compatible personality. If you're nice looking, you're looking for a compatible personality plus good looks roughly equivalent to your own - a combination which can be difficult to find in any one individual. As I said before, most of the guys I find mentally stimulating look like Bill Haverchuck

 

The same thing goes in terms of intelligence of course - if you're super-intelligent you're probably looking for someone in the top 10% of the population, so you eliminate 90% of potential dates before you even start considering attractiveness as a factor. If you're nice looking and bright, finding your match is about as likely as finding a graviton

 

I have also suffered from depression, which is at least partly due to being of a certain age and not having achieved life goals such as marriage, children, etc - particularly because my younger self assumed that these things would happen during my twenties, and it seems rather unfair (and worrying) that they haven't appeared by thirty. It makes me wonder how much of the situation is actually my fault, given that other people seem to have managed to sort out their personal lives by this age. Other people aren't going around feeling misunderstood and disconnected (unless they hide it pretty well) so I debate why I can't find what they seem to have. Previously I always had hope that something would turn up (and there was time for it to do so), but by thirty you begin to have this nagging worry that what you wanted might never actually materialise, and you question whether your desires are realistic or whether you should "settle" for something you can live with before your market value begins to decline with age. Fortunately for you, as a male you have a rather wider window of opportunity to find your dream girl

[Thornton]

Zansatsu, right off I'd say your description of yourself is too wordy... you may want to take into consideration that you may be too wordy.

 

Nooo... verbosity is hot

[Peaceful Guy]

You sound like me. I'm turning 30 soon too. Its scary!

 

I'm getting this book out of the library.

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0762415339/ref=s9_simz_gw_s0_p14_i2?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=130ZVD6R05MHSRGVNP1D&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

 

Somebody's gotta know, right??

 

i would be highly suspicous of someone that thinks you should be "getting what you want in love, sex, and love".. by paying for it of course.. sounds pretty ****ty actually. also, in the product description - ", on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show." i hate stuff like this.. every time someone treats someone all crazy and selfish because they read in a book they should,, i think that sucks.. there's a bunch of stupid books for women like this about how they should be a total bitch, which is of course terrible advice.. follow your hearts people! of course, the book is probably more about self advocacy than getting what you want.. but still..

[Peaceful Guy]

I'm getting this book out of the library.

:confused:whoops! missed that part.. still don't like the idea of nice people not being nice to get what they want though

[Zansatsu]

As I said before, most of the guys I find mentally stimulating look like Bill Haverchuck

 

I can't say that I've dated all super-models either. But they didn't have to be in order to be great fun.

 

 

If you're nice looking and bright, finding your match is about as likely as finding a graviton

 

OMG.... she knows about gravitons (well the concept, but still)!!!!

 

You just went from being "super cool and smart" to FUSION hot! Yum yum, gimme some! /rawr

 

 

... particularly because my younger self assumed that these things would happen during my twenties, and it seems rather unfair (and worrying) that they haven't appeared by thirty. It makes me wonder how much of the situation is actually my fault, given that other people seem to have managed to sort out their personal lives by this age.

 

This is EXACTLY why I needed therapy. I've subsequently learned that beating yourself up only makes this worse and it gets better when you learn to leave yourself alone. I had to learn how NOT to compare myself to others as they didn't make my decisions, I did. And am I too picky? Perhaps, but I'd much rather be alone than be with a cheater or used for all I'm worth and tossed away. I haven't found anyone, and that does bother me when I come home at the end of the day, but I'm not going to let it drag me down because if I do, everything else before now, will perpetuate (mentally speaking). I'm open to the possibilities now and it isn't so worrisome. I don't feel the pressure of having to meet these goals that were never really goals, but expectations and only I can control those. And societal norms that tell us that we have to be married in our 20s are not really our ideas, they were given to us by a previous generation that was expecting shorter lifespans. And I'm not just saying this for 20 and 30 somethings, but for the 40 and 50 somethings too. We live longer and a lot of the urgency we were instilled with comes out of times where they didn't know what caused cancer (just an example). This does not negate the fact that I've still been unmarried for 30 years of my life, but I am the master of my patterns and only I can change them.

 

 

Other people aren't going around feeling misunderstood and disconnected (unless they hide it pretty well) so I debate why I can't find what they seem to have.

 

I know what you mean here and have always wondered why it is so "simple" for some people to just "go-for-it" and not look back. This was also coupled with the fact that the statistics for diseases, pregnancies, divorce, and unhappy marriages used to scare me senseless. Instead of pursuing, I would shut down and not bother. But something I've come to realize is that I've always been a thinker. I think I think too much, therefore I do, indeed, think too much. And in retrospect, there were moments I was thinking instead of acting. I'm learning how to keep my head in the moment, and I've noticed that I have been more active because of it. Yesterday is a memory, and tomorrow doesn't exist. The only thing I have is this moment, right now.

 

 

Previously I always had hope that something would turn up (and there was time for it to do so), but by thirty you begin to have this nagging worry that what you wanted might never actually materialise, and you question whether your desires are realistic or whether you should "settle" for something you can live with before your market value begins to decline with age. Fortunately for you, as a male you have a rather wider window of opportunity to find your dream girl

 

I've stopped hoping and wondering and pining and thinking about it. I'm just doing what I think I should be doing and I'm going to be kind and nice and see who I can get to stick around for a while.

 

And for the record, it has been found that men who have children past the age of 40, are more likely to father Autistic children. So men's biological clocks are ticking too, my dear.

[Zansatsu]

And for the record, it has been found that men who have children past the age of 40, are more likely to father Autistic children. So men's biological clocks are ticking too, my dear.

 

Correction... the older a man gets, the stronger the correlation.

 

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5768623

 

*Tick* *Tick* *Tick* *Tick*

[Thornton]

OMG.... she knows about gravitons (well the concept, but still)!!!!

I admit it... I am a geek This probably has a significant effect on my unmarried status, because most men don't want to discuss wave-particle duality over dinner.

 

 

This is EXACTLY why I needed therapy. I've subsequently learned that beating yourself up only makes this worse and it gets better when you learn to leave yourself alone. I had to learn how NOT to compare myself to others as they didn't make my decisions, I did.

I think I beat myself up about not having had the sense to make different decisions. I don't want to be someone else, I just wish I could be a happier version of me for whom things worked out a bit better. It's sometimes difficult to accept the situation in which you find yourself, particularly when you didn't want or expect to be in that situation... I sort of feel like I tried to do everything "right" in life and the formula still didn't work, which makes me feel cheated somehow. I've found that acceptance and letting go of desire seem to be the only keys to dealing with this issue, although it isn't easy.

 

 

I don't feel the pressure of having to meet these goals that were never really goals, but expectations and only I can control those... I am the master of my patterns and only I can change them.

I do agree with this in principle. However I am very strongly tied into the idea of wanting to have a partner and a family, and the unfortunate fact is that such things have biological time constraints. I realise I can choose not to want such things, but the problem is I really do want them - I don't want to change my patterns and not desire those things, that just seems like a coping strategy for dealing with the fact that I didn't get what I wanted.

 

 

I know what you mean here and have always wondered why it is so "simple" for some people to just "go-for-it" and not look back.

Maybe they "went for it" because they found what they were looking for? I've come to realise that other people's specifications when looking for a partner tend to better match the available people in the general population than my specification does... finding someone like yourself is rather difficult if there aren't so many people like you.

 

 

But something I've come to realize is that I've always been a thinker. I think I think too much, therefore I do, indeed, think too much.

This is not necessarily a bad thing Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

 

 

I'm learning how to keep my head in the moment, and I've noticed that I have been more active because of it. Yesterday is a memory, and tomorrow doesn't exist. The only thing I have is this moment, right now.

Sounds like a very Buddhist philosophy. Living in the present moment is easier said than done though; the impermanence of it is somewhat scary, plus it's tempting to cling to the past if one was happier there than in the present. (I shall politely refrain from mentioning the fact that in four-dimensional space-time all points in time exist simultaneously )

 

 

I've stopped hoping and wondering and pining and thinking about it. I'm just doing what I think I should be doing and I'm going to be kind and nice and see who I can get to stick around for a while.

Getting someone to stick around is not usually the problem... it's finding someone who you want to stick around. I think loneliness is the big issue here - people want to feel understood, they want company, and it's easy to become impatient when you feel lonely and you want that person to come along now. There's also the worry that you'll never find someone who really "gets" you, or that they'll come along too late for you to have all the things you want with that person, and that worry becomes ever more pressing with age

[Zansatsu]

I admit it... I am a geek This probably has a significant effect on my unmarried status, because most men don't want to discuss wave-particle duality over dinner.

 

Be confident! Confidence is sexy and if you know what you are about (regardless of whether they do or not), they are going to drool and someone who doesn't know about the nature of a photons duality, might actually want to listen if they are worth their salt as a partner anyway.

 

Coincidentally, I come from a family with a couple of Nuclear Physicists for uncles and my brother has a Ph. D. in Particle Physics, so I find all of it fascinating. I'm a geek and proud of it. I am headed back to school for an EE degree, myself. Be proud that you are smart. I can have long discussions about the blessing-curse duality of the "gift" of intelligence.

 

 

I think I beat myself up about not having had the sense to make different decisions. I don't want to be someone else, I just wish I could be a happier version of me for whom things worked out a bit better. It's sometimes difficult to accept the situation in which you find yourself, particularly when you didn't want or expect to be in that situation... I sort of feel like I tried to do everything "right" in life and the formula still didn't work, which makes me feel cheated somehow. I've found that acceptance and letting go of desire seem to be the only keys to dealing with this issue, although it isn't easy.

 

You are human, unfortunately, and this is all about our limitations. Correct me if I'm wrong but according to Quantum Physics (ignoring String Theory ), I think it is a law of physics: through measurement, you can know a particles momentum or its position, but not both. The same thing applies in life. The question: "what if I had made this decision differently (IE: measured this situation/interaction differently)" is irrelevant because you can only measure the interaction in one aspect or the other, never both. So why bother trying to question something that is a known limitation, and instead work with what information you CAN know? If you don't keep measuring for differences and experimenting, while just accepting the mental model you have developed for yourself, how can you ever expect to refine the model at all? Newton had the right idea and was pretty much dead-on, but even his laws have been refined and a few variables have been added since. Through repeated experiment, knowledge is gained. If you stop searching, then the model is static and cannot accomodate new information that contradicts its initial assumptions. In this case, the concept that you might be able to attract the "right" person seems to contradict your current model of thought. It appears to me that it may be time for you to challenge your model with new experimental data. And if your initial results are inconclusive or not what you are searching for, then try a different approach. You are in control and have the power to be passive or active of which you can choose but life is too short to be unhappy and unsatisfied. Also, do you beat yourself up for experimental data you see in physics? If you do, then put the books down and take a vacation, but, I suspect that your empiricism has taught you to distance your emotions from an experiment, otherwise your perceptions may influence your results. This is no different. Your perceptions appear to be influencing your outcomes and tainting your data.

 

I do agree with this in principle. However I am very strongly tied into the idea of wanting to have a partner and a family, and the unfortunate fact is that such things have biological time constraints. I realise I can choose not to want such things, but the problem is I really do want them - I don't want to change my patterns and not desire those things, that just seems like a coping strategy for dealing with the fact that I didn't get what I wanted.

 

See above for your coping strategy. Be empirical. Don't decide not to pursue what you really want, just decide to do things a little differently and see what happens. Change a couple of parameters, do a little research. I know you can do this.

 

 

Maybe they "went for it" because they found what they were looking for? I've come to realise that other people's specifications when looking for a partner tend to better match the available people in the general population than my specification does...

 

Maybe they jumped into it because they weren't fully aware of everything about that person. Listen to a married couple fight some time. It's not as simple as being 100% compatible with someone, which I believe may be a myth (I'd love to be proven wrong). This is why people get married, because if you can't handle them being completely open and honest with you, then learning not to ask questions on things that you can't handle is your only other option.

 

My point is find someone you can be totally open with and trust, or find someone you trust and can allow them to do as they will. I'm looking for openess and I'm learning trust, which I've always struggled with.

 

 

finding someone like yourself is rather difficult if there aren't so many people like you.

 

To be honest, if I met myself face-to-face, I might punch myself out (or maybe go out for a few beers and see how I act drunk...). Remember, we can be our own worst enemies and learning to be your own friend goes a long way towards attracting someone. It shows that you are a caring person, because as long as you don't become conceited, you care enough to be able to nurture yourself and you become inviting.

 

 

This is not necessarily a bad thing Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

 

Yes, but unless you are a nihilist, you know that since this reality is the only reality you've ever observed through your physical senses, why not try to make reality more accomodating by learning to accomodate reality and yourself? The universe is in the (wo)man and the (wo)man is in the universe. Again: Dualities. And your accomodation of that duality influences how it affects you.

 

 

Sounds like a very Buddhist philosophy. Living in the present moment is easier said than done though; the impermanence of it is somewhat scary, plus it's tempting to cling to the past if one was happier there than in the present. (I shall politely refrain from mentioning the fact that in four-dimensional space-time all points in time exist simultaneously )

 

Yes, but given that we are moving forward in time in this exclusive frame of reference, discussing four-dimensional space-time and its properties is irrelevant to any meaningful application in the way we live our lives. That is unless, of course, you have figured out how to exist at all times simultaneously, in which case, take me with you! /beg /plead /wait

 

I'm ready for my Dr. Who experience to begin!!!

 

 

Getting someone to stick around is not usually the problem... it's finding someone who you want to stick around. I think loneliness is the big issue here - people want to feel understood, they want company, and it's easy to become impatient when you feel lonely and you want that person to come along now. There's also the worry that you'll never find someone who really "gets" you, or that they'll come along too late for you to have all the things you want with that person, and that worry becomes ever more pressing with age

 

I completely, whole-heartedly, and 120% agree with you. I won't debate any of the above statements. The only thing I should have said was:

 

*With my authorization,* I will see who I can get to stick around.

 

I'm really enjoying the depth of this conversation. This fencing match is fascinating me. O.O ^.^

Edited October 30, 2009 by Zansatsu
Clarity

[In_Repair]

You talk a lot in this thread, and seem to have no trouble conversing with the ladies here... how about in real life? When is the last time you walked up to an unknown woman and asked her out? That's the key, my man. Go beyond your comfort zone. Put yourself out there, and the rest will take care of itself.

 

Think about it in terms of sports, for example. It does not matter how much talent you have, it does not matter how big or small you are, it does not matter how well you understand the rules and techniques... until you actually go out on the field and start playing the game.

[Zansatsu]

You talk a lot in this thread, and seem to have no trouble conversing with the ladies here... how about in real life? When is the last time you walked up to an unknown woman and asked her out? That's the key, my man. Go beyond your comfort zone. Put yourself out there, and the rest will take care of itself.

 

Think about it in terms of sports, for example. It does not matter how much talent you have, it does not matter how big or small you are, it does not matter how well you understand the rules and techniques... until you actually go out on the field and start playing the game.

 

 

It's easier to talk online than in-person, and the random pickup has NEVER worked for me. I have not tried in years and I'd rather not. It works for some men, not me. I feel soo.... cliche and.... soiled, if I do that.

 

Now striking up casual conversation at random with a stranger, that's easier and after about 5 minutes I know whether I'm interested or not. But again, that could be just me talking myself out of possible trouble... hmm... that's something to consider.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Zansatsu

[Thornton]

I will attempt to respond, but bear with me; it's Friday night and I'm halfway through a large Martini, so I may not be quite as insightful as usual

 

 

Be confident!

I am confident! (well, reasonably confident anyway). However, based on experience I still doubt if the average guy would want to listen to me witter on about my interests all the time

 

 

Coincidentally, I come from a family with a couple of Nuclear Physicists

Small world... one of my degrees is in physics, but it wasn't really my forte.

 

 

Be proud that you are smart. I can have long discussions about the blessing-curse duality of the "gift" of intelligence.

I am very grateful for being reasonably bright, but as you said, it can be both a blessing and a curse. At the very least, it gives you one more set of criteria that you have to filter partners by, and imo filtering by intellectual capacity reduces your dating pool more than any other criteria (depending on how high you set the bar).

 

 

I think it is a law of physics: through measurement, you can know a particles momentum or its position, but not both. The same thing applies in life.

Ahh, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle Never seen it applied to life before, although I can understand how it could be used as an analogy for not being able to know everything. Other options only seem more attractive from my current viewpoint because I didn't take them and I'm theorising about what the outcome would have been, but really I don't (and can't) know what would have happened if I'd made different choices. I prefer to think about it in terms of a rather loose understanding of the Copenhagen Interpretation: neither option really exists until you choose one, at which point the option you didn't choose ceases to exist, so it's pointless to theorise about having missed an opportunity that never really existed. At least that's what I keep telling myself anyway

 

 

I suspect that your empiricism has taught you to distance your emotions from an experiment, otherwise your perceptions may influence your results. This is no different. Your perceptions appear to be influencing your outcomes and tainting your data.

On the contrary, it's impossible to completely avoid the influence of perception on results, unless you're doing a purely quantitative study (which clearly relationships are not). Any kind of qualitative data is always going to be subject to an interpretation bias. Perhaps what I need to look at is changing my perceptions to influence the results more positively

 

 

Maybe they jumped into it because they weren't fully aware of everything about that person.

So then it's your job to find out as much about that person as you can and make an informed decision; if you don't then you only have yourself to blame if things don't work out. I still believe in 100% compatibility (at least I hope there is such a thing), but I don't think that everyone gets a chance to be with someone who they're really compatible with... unfortunately some people run out of time and just have to settle. This is something I have found increasingly worrying as I've grown older.

 

 

Yes, but unless you are a nihilist, you know that since this reality is the only reality you've ever observed through your physical senses, why not try to make reality more accomodating by learning to accomodate reality and yourself? The universe is in the (wo)man and the (wo)man is in the universe. Again: Dualities. And your accomodation of that duality influences how it affects you.

I do try to accommodate reality, but I find it interferes annoyingly with my daydreaming I'm not nihilistic, but I have toyed with the idea of solipsism... I once considered attending a solipsist convention, but in the end I didn't go because I was worried I'd be the only one there (sorry, bad joke)

 

I agree with the whole macrocosm=microcosm idea and I agree that your state of mind has a huge influence on how you experience the world, because I know that it seems a much darker and colder place when I feel depressed. I'm working on trying to think and act positively, although it's not the easiest thing to do.

 

 

I'm ready for my Dr. Who experience to begin!!!

It's Doctor Who, not Dr. (sorry, but it's an important distinction! )

[Zansatsu]

I will attempt to respond, but bear with me; it's Friday night and I'm halfway through a large Martini, so I may not be quite as insightful as usual

 

If anything, I would say that Martini didn't do enough. Your reasoning is impeccable and this will indeed be a challenge. -takes a deep breath-

 

 

I am confident! (well, reasonably confident anyway). However, based on experience I still doubt if the average guy would want to listen to me witter on about my interests all the time

Notice the qualifier from my statement: "if he is worth his salt as a partner." If you never give a guy a chance to listen to you go on about your passions, then how do you know? I say keep trying.

 

 

Small world... one of my degrees is in physics, but it wasn't really my forte.

Enough of a forte for you to pull out the proverbial "can of whoop-ass" on me about empiricism. That will be a tough mountain to climb.

 

And the world isn't small enough, otherwise I'd be able to sit and discuss this face-to-face.

 

 

I am very grateful for being reasonably bright, but as you said, it can be both a blessing and a curse. At the very least, it gives you one more set of criteria that you have to filter partners by, and imo filtering by intellectual capacity reduces your dating pool more than any other criteria (depending on how high you set the bar).

But, initial appearances can be deceiving and you can never know the state of something until it is observed. Schrödinger's Cat comes to mind.

 

 

Ahh, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle Never seen it applied to life before, although I can understand how it could be used as an analogy for not being able to know everything.

I honestly didn't expect it to come out as cohesively as it did.

 

 

Other options only seem more attractive from my current viewpoint because I didn't take them and I'm theorising about what the outcome would have been, but really I don't (and can't) know what would have happened if I'd made different choices. I prefer to think about it in terms of a rather loose understanding of the Copenhagen Interpretation: neither option really exists until you choose one, at which point the option you didn't choose ceases to exist, so it's pointless to theorise about having missed an opportunity that never really existed. At least that's what I keep telling myself anyway

My point exactly. Great minds think alike.

 

 

On the contrary, it's impossible to completely avoid the influence of perception on results, unless you're doing a purely quantitative study (which clearly relationships are not). Any kind of qualitative data is always going to be subject to an interpretation bias.

-exhales-

You seem to have pinned me on the quantitative vs. qualitative argument, all I can do is bow and say, "touché!"

 

 

Perhaps what I need to look at is changing my perceptions to influence the results more positively

I am, however, very grateful that my overall point was not lost and that you did not take it upon yourself to deny the truth of my statement, even though the premise was incorrect. Again, I bow graciously.

 

 

So then it's your job to find out as much about that person as you can and make an informed decision; if you don't then you only have yourself to blame if things don't work out. I still believe in 100% compatibility (at least I hope there is such a thing), but I don't think that everyone gets a chance to be with someone who they're really compatible with... unfortunately some people run out of time and just have to settle. This is something I have found increasingly worrying as I've grown older.

I hold you in the highest esteem as an intellectual, but I noticed that this statement contradicts the previous one:

"Perhaps what I need to look at is changing my perceptions to influence the results more positively :p"

 

Your perception is that "some people run out of time." And through implication, you appear to be grouping yourself as someone who is running out of time because you believe that the evidence at hand is pointing you to this "inevitable" conclusion. I would argue that this is a "negative proof fallacy" in your reasoning as you do not have enough proof to support that this is the case. To make a conclusion on the absence of evidence before you would be premature because, at this time, you have indeed, not run out of time.

 

While I can be quoted as well, arguing this with you has actually made me realize that I shouldn't worry because, I still do have time. I can meet someone and settle down, and that by itself is heartening. I don't have to believe that because there is no one, that there will be no one. Especially considering that this moment is all I have. Hmmm.... A good debate is good for the soul.

 

 

I do try to accommodate reality, but I find it interferes annoyingly with my daydreaming

 

 

I'm not nihilistic, but I have toyed with the idea of solipsism... I once considered attending a solipsist convention, but in the end I didn't go because I was worried I'd be the only one there (sorry, bad joke)

I literally LOLd when I read this. You have a sharp wit.

 

 

I agree with the whole macrocosm=microcosm idea and I agree that your state of mind has a huge influence on how you experience the world, because I know that it seems a much darker and colder place when I feel depressed. I'm working on trying to think and act positively, although it's not the easiest thing to do.

It's downright difficult. The toughest battles we fight are with ourselves. A joke comes to mind:

 

Q: How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change itself.

 

My point: you just have to want to struggle with yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. I may have a partner in the near future, but the only person that has to tolerate me at every instant of Planck Time is myself. And if I can't live with myself, I can't expect anyone else to. It wouldn't be fair to the woman I love.

 

 

It's Doctor Who, not Dr. (sorry, but it's an important distinction! )

That is how it is spelled... doh! It would be like saying "The Return of the Jedi," when there is no "The." Again, touché.

 

Edited October 31, 2009 by Zansatsu

[SadandConfusedWA]

Uh marry me?

[Zansatsu]

Uh marry me?

 

All I can say is, "wow."

[Rudderless]

So my question is... why am I alone?

You come across as too heavy, my 2 cents.