Sometimes there is no "evil wife"!

[NoIDidn't]

I sincerely doubt that there are any truly recovered marriages where the the betrayed spouse doesn't kick out the wayward spouse and send him/her off to the AP. Otherwise, where is the incentive for the WS to make a choice?

 

Hey! I didn't kick my H out and our marriage recovered.

 

But we had the (mis)fortune of a relative passing in another country so he had to leave for a few weeks anyway.

 

But I didn't kick him out.

 

I think being away and him having a chance to see what it was like to not have his family (me AND the kids) around everyday, gave him pause in his deliberations (sp?). And I might add, that he was in contact with BOTH of us (me AND OW) while away as well. I hadn't demanded NC with her.

 

Interesting too, the OW told me herself that she didn't think that I was evil or wrong in this whole situation for the brief time that we did speak - once. And for the record, I didn't think she was evil either. We would all do well to stop needing to believe stereotypes about each other.

[NowhereToHide]

whats that song from alanis morisette?

 

"i hope youre thinking of me when you F*** her"

 

just being an ugly battered OW here. excuse the moment of hatred.

 

 

BEG... too funny. I have actually thought about that song in regards to my xAP... and yes, I do believe he is.

[silktricks]

I think being away and him having a chance to see what it was like to not have his family (me AND the kids) around everyday, gave him pause in his deliberations (sp?). And I might add, that he was in contact with BOTH of us (me AND OW) while away as well. I hadn't demanded NC with her.

 

Interesting too, the OW told me herself that she didn't think that I was evil or wrong in this whole situation for the brief time that we did speak - once. And for the record, I didn't think she was evil either. We would all do well to stop needing to believe stereotypes about each other.

 

I didn't think the OW in my case was evil either - at least not then. It was the continual email, phone calls, rock throwing and other assorted craziness over the next two years that made me believe she was a little lacking in the goodness department.

 

It's cool that you didn't kick him out - I actually didn't either, but my whole case was so convoluted that I never really feel that I fit into any of the convenient molds... I didn't discover the situation. He told me about it. We were separated (I had left him....), etc, etc. I do believe, though, that most times it is necessary for either the OW or the BS to force the MP to make a choice before the affair will end. Once forced, the MP will generally speaking make a choice - sometimes choosing the OW, sometimes the BS.

[NoIDidn't]

I didn't think the OW in my case was evil either - at least not then. It was the continual email, phone calls, rock throwing and other assorted craziness over the next two years that made me believe she was a little lacking in the goodness department.

 

It's cool that you didn't kick him out - I actually didn't either, but my whole case was so convoluted that I never really feel that I fit into any of the convenient molds... I didn't discover the situation. He told me about it. We were separated (I had left him....), etc, etc. I do believe, though, that most times it is necessary for either the OW or the BS to force the MP to make a choice before the affair will end. Once forced, the MP will generally speaking make a choice - sometimes choosing the OW, sometimes the BS.

 

See, not even your case was "text book". There was another former BS here that also was separated when their H got with an OW. And, the OW was pretty upset that they opted to try the marriage again as well.

 

I guess I can understand their position, but then again, I don't believe in dating separated men - no matter WHAT they say about their marriage. I would date them only after I can see the ink dry on the divorce decree.

[NoIDidn't]

whats that song from alanis morisette?

 

"i hope youre thinking of me when you F*** her"

 

just being an ugly battered OW here. excuse the moment of hatred.

 

 

LOL. I don't see any hate. I love this song. There was another song by her too I think that went "You oughta know".

 

You strike me as quite the music lover. I could never get mad at a fellow music lover. LOL

[Snowflower]

Right, why would anyone want to be someone who wants to be with an OW? I would not want to waste my years with a man who had any kind of love for an OW.

 

snip

 

I would never use kids to keep a man. That would be disrespectful to the kids.

 

I think if my H had told me that he had fallen in love with his AP, that would have been a deal-breaker for me. Maybe not immediately, I probably would have still tried to make the marriage work, but I think eventually it would have eroded my feelings for him to those of mere friendship. Life is short and I wouldn't want to waste my feelings/years on someone who couldn't love me as I deserved to be loved.

 

As for kids, it was really a non-issue for me-my kids are teenagers. But I agree, it is unfair to everyone involved to keep a marriage together because of the kids, in most cases.

[moaningmyrtle]

...And I am done with all of you salty angry BS. ... So I would appreciate if you women stop responding to my thread. ...

 

I haven't even finished reading this yet - early morning here.

 

But - 2 flounces in one day! - I can't believe it!

 

HCINK - you are really welcome to respond to this thread as is everyone. I don't consider it "mine" even though I am the OP. But I do think it's a bit much for you to be claiming ownership.

 

Myrtle

[Dexter Morgan]

You people really crack me up so worried about things that he gave to me.

 

why not? you are the one that enjoys knowing that those things are at her house to remind her of you. you seemed to attach a high level of significance to it and felt the need to bring it up. blame yourself here, not us.

 

 

None of you are worth answering.

 

because you are busted and you know it. we all know you enjoy the fact the wife is reminded of you and your "relevance" to her husband.

[Dexter Morgan]

But, IMO a man who is back with his wife and flaunts an extravagant ring meant for another woman is just a tad evil himself. JMO!

 

but the part you missed is howcouldInotknow's pleasure knowing that his wife will be reminded of her everytime she sees stuff in her house that he bought for HCINK. She wants the wife to understand that she was not insignificant. and why? only one reason....to rub her nose in s##t

[silktricks]

See, not even your case was "text book". There was another former BS here that also was separated when their H got with an OW. And, the OW was pretty upset that they opted to try the marriage again as well.

 

I guess I can understand their position, but then again, I don't believe in dating separated men - no matter WHAT they say about their marriage. I would date them only after I can see the ink dry on the divorce decree.

 

Well, the more interesting thing about my case was that the OW did not know he/we were separated. She "dated" him thinking we were living together as man & wife at the time.... Then she thought he left me (for her, of course) - when actually I had left him almost a year previously... the lies he told the woman almost boggle my mind. She didn't find out the truth until he finally told her as we were also telling her that if she didn't quit the harassment she was going to be getting a visit from the police - which was about 2 years (?) after he told her it was over.

 

Yeah - pretty much no textbooks on this stuff is there

 

I just realized it.... this post is actually relevant to the OP's thread!! I wasn't an evil wife either!!! :lmao:

 

I understand what you're saying about not dating separated men - and would never do it in the future - but that's because of self-preservation, not because I actually think it's wrong. But that's me.

Edited October 23, 2009 by silktricks

[fooled once]

I just spent the last half hour going through this thread to find where things went bad

 

First part: In many threads, we see many OW talk about how so many BS and others call them names.

 

Mizfi4 - Post #4

I think sometimes wives also need to remember as well there are OW who are good women and aren't harlots leading their innocent men astray. We all see things through our own perspectives...all of us are guilty of that.

and Misty - post 34

 

BW on here often make out the OW to be "evil" as the OW may make the BW out to be evil.

and howcouldinothknown - post 44

 

any of you are making OW out to be these lonely, desperate, tragic, figures, I can tell you that is not the case with many OW.

MyBrownEyedgirl Post #127

 

just being an ugly battered OW here. excuse the moment of hatred.

Then the name calling and supposition started

 

Misty - post #7

 

I sense a bit of passive agressive joy in this idea that the OW is crying and hoping your H is still pining for her. Not very nice, IMO.

jj in post #20

 

Myrtle. It seems that this thread is intended to to "teach" the OW about what is really going on while gloating about the success of your own situatoin. So your consternatoin - why dont OWs see that if the man stays with his W it is really because he loves her best seems to be a vast overgeneralizatoin. Could it be that thou dost protesteth too much? I hope that you find more peace in your marriage so that you dont continue to feel the need to gloat to others.

Misty - Post #34

 

I think I know what you tried to do here Myrtle - you feel defensive because you know your H probably talked trash on you to the OW, and you want OW to see that the MM are liars. A fine enough goal. But unfortunately, going about that by canonizing the BW's (a few of whom really are as evil as MM describes) is going to be a tough pill for OW to swallow, you know?

Misty - Post #51

 

You know what, forget it. I am so goddamn tired of the BS bullsh*t around here. Everyone wants the OW to curl up and die. F*ck that. This is why everyone leaves. The BS's are all goddesses and the OW's are bitc*es. Fine. I am so done fighting this. The battle in real life is over. No need to continue fighting the self-righteous masses who get off on beating others down. I'm not posting here anymore.

 

To those of you who were kind and NOT total As*holes, thank you so much for all your support. I hope you all find the peace you seek.

Blinded - Post #68

Perfect example of evilness.

Blinded - post #69

 

Anyway all of you angry bitter spouses should discuss this maybe on the infidelity forum thanks

 

There was more, but I just got tired of cutting and pasting.

 

I fail to see why Myrtle sharing her experience caused so much crap to start spewing. I am a fOW and I didn't find her post offensive at all. No gloating, no passive aggressiveness, .... Maybe people are having issues within themselves and are projecting? Maybe some posts touched a nerve? Maybe .... I don't know. Only Myrtle knows the INTENT of her post, but I personally didn't see anything that was intended to hurt anyone. Why can't she express her thoughts without people automatically thinking she was out to hurt members here?

 

But why does it have to be like this? It really was a good conversation before the assumptions and accusations and name calling started. Why can't we have a thread where there is disagreement with out all the other stuff?

 

Many say the BS's need to let it go, etc., but then shouldn't some of the OW quit taking it so personal? Not one single BS said that the OW are bad people. NOT ONE. I just don't understand why this has to keep happening. Why can't there be spirited debate with out name calling?

[MizzBlue72]

Thank you Fooled Once for putting this into perspective.

Getting back to Myrtle's story - I want to thank her for sharing. It is good to see the BS side too.

 

I am the OW. I knew this going in, I acknowledged it, and when I decided that I was not going to let the MM go, I knew exactly where that put me in society's eyes - NOT GOOD. I own this, and I accept it.

 

Even though my MM is now going through a divorce, even if everything works out with us and we do end up back together when his divorce is final, I will still always be the OW. And I am OK with this because I do love him. I accept what has transpired with us, and believe me, I wish everyday that we had met each other when we were both single and that neither of us had to divorce. This was not my reality.

 

For the OW on here - I too take some of the BS posts personally, and I learn a little from each one. It may not be what I want to hear, hell, most of the time it hits right between the eyes, but I OWN this. I own that I am the OW and nothing that I do will change this. From the first day that I became the OW and decided to make things work with the MM - I KNEW this. So we can blame the BS for calling us names, but we KNOW that we are not bad people. If this is the road we choose to take, we need to also stand up and expect and accept that this is NOT a societal norm and we will be chastised.

 

Being the OW does NOT define who we are. WE define who and what we are made of on how we chose to react to the BS posts. We can learn from them, and if not - let it go.

 

And to the BS out there - the same should go for you. Being a BS does NOT define who you are too. OW are NOT on this forum to rub anything in your face. Most of us in this forum are truly good people who have found themselves in love with M people. Most of us are not vindictive. Most of us do not want to see you hurt or prolong your hurting. We are hurting and turn to this forum not for coddling. That is NOT why I ever came here. I started posting in this forum to actually know if I was the ONLY insane person who could find some support of support and help me get ME back - whether it was ending the affair or moving forward.

 

We don't always have to agree, but common curtousy should prevail here. Whether you believe it or not, both sides are hurting. We CAN teach each other without the name calling. The posts on here should never attack personally ... it's the situation where we all have an interest in - NOT the personal attack.

[NoIDidn't]

I understand what you're saying about not dating separated men - and would never do it in the future - but that's because of self-preservation, not because I actually think it's wrong. But that's me.

 

I see you caught that. Same reason here. Not because its wrong. Self-preservation. Same reason I wouldn't mess with another married person. Not because my religion says its wrong, its just too damn inconveniencing. LOL.

[Dexter Morgan]

And further more I am talking about my own personal experience why is everyone jumping down my throat?

 

you are not JUST talking about your personal experience. You wanted people here to know just how much you enjoyed that the wife is reminded of you when she sees things in her house that he bought for you.

 

then you go on to a lame attempt at trying to get the BW's goats about what the MM is doing with the OW.

 

If you JUST told your story, that would have been one thing. You had me on your side until you started in with your thumbing your nose at the wife, then thumbing your nose at the wives in this thread.

[Spark1111]

Myrtle, My husband never outwardly spoke ill of me, and that ploy only served to endear him to his divorced OW. What a wonderful family man, adores his children, will make a decision in 5 years when the youngest graduates college, she was allowed, by him, to think.

 

But he did "allude" to our disconnectedness, said we rarely had sex (hahaha) and was in pain from being sooooo neglected and unappreciated.

 

Poor, poor, baby, I will make you whole, she thought.

 

I guess from the point of personal ego, it hurts to be so minimized, but I now believe it is the only way the affair triangle works.

 

When I was writhing in pain on DDay, i kicked him out and told him to go get her.

 

He sat at her kitchen table and....cried of how he wanted to come hometo me!

 

My heart broke for her! The bubble popped.

 

I believe, in their personal confusion, cheaters minimize the marrage to give themselves permission to have the affair. On DDAy, a choice MUST be made.

 

Then they minimize the affair to re-enter the marriage.

 

Bottom line for me: Three people in a self-delusional, or unsuspecting triangle, three people get hurt.

 

And all get lied to, or lie to themselves, IMHO.

[silktricks]

And all get lied to, or lie to themselves, IMHO.

 

Yup. That's the truth.