Sorry, but I gotta vent to someone.

[AprilFool]

I'm so angry at my husband I could bite nails in two!!!!!!

 

Ok, he hasn't wanted (or been able) to have sex with me for weeks. I finally got over my desire to, then he wants to get frisky!! This happened Sunday morning, and I knew that if I gave into him, I'd start wanting it on a daily basis again. I had to go through weeks of withdrawl! I knew that getting it again would make me need it again! Well, I turned him down Sunday, but Monday night, he wanted it still, and I refused, but he turned me over, and started to turn me on, and we ended up doing it.

 

Of course, I started wanting it again.

 

I talk to my girlfriends who are married, and their husbands want it every freakin night! One friend has been married for 5 years, and if she just kisses her husband, he's up and ready.

 

My other friend has been married for about 9 months, and she always complains that her husband wants it every night. She says he lays down behind her, and his big thing pokes her in the back! She said she's sick of sex!

 

If I take my clothes off in front of my husband, he doesn't even seem to notice. I have to play with his thing for an hour to get it hard! Then, if I stop for a minute, it goes soft. If we start having sex, he gets soft.

 

I'm sor frusterated!!!!!

 

 

 

 

But here's the purpose for this entire post. As you know, Monday we did it. I held in my needs on Tuesday, but lastnight, Wednesday, I wanted it, so I pursued it. I started rubbing him, and I worked and worked and worked to get it up. Finally, I told him that I wanted sex, but I could tell he didn't. He said, "It's not my fault it goes soft!" I kept trying, and finally, I said, "Let me ask you something." He angrily said, "What!?" I said, "How come when we were dating, I could get you up every night over the phone, but now..." before I could finish, he rolled over, let out a heavy sigh, and said, "THAT'S WHY!" I said, "What's why?" He said, "You are such a nag!"

 

I think I've been very very patient!!!!! VERY PATIENT!!! I've gotten to the point that if I have a problem, I won't bring it up, because HE GETS MAD!!!

 

I've been holding all this in for a long LONG time, so I started crying, and telling him that I didn't understand. He told me to shut up. So I said, "Fine, I'll lay over here, and pretend like I dont' have feelings." He said, "Good!" I couldn't stop crying, so he hit the wall to make a loud noise, and yelled, "SHUT UP!!!"

 

That's when it happened....

 

I hostilly grabbed my pillow, threw the blanket off me, got up and between gritted teeth, I said, "I hate you." Then it all came out, I yelled, "I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!! ALL OF MY OTHER NEWLYWED FRIENDS GET TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS EVERY NIGHT, AND I CAN'T EVEN GIVE MINE AN ERECTION!!!!! I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF, AND IT DOESN'T EVEN TURN YOU ON!!!! .........AND WHEN I TRY TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL YOU GET MAD!!!!!!!!"

 

Those words are etched in my memory. I didn't want to say that to him. I don't hate him. He watched me while I threw my little fit...I know he heard me. I stormed through the house, laid down on the couch, and cried. I slept on the couch for a few hours, then finally got up and went to bed.

 

He didn't kiss me goodbye this morning I'm so MAD!!!! Do I not have a right to be frusterated? Do I not have a right to be mad at him for treating me like that? I don't think I'm the one with a problem, I think he is! What red blooded male in his 20s doesn't want to have sex!?!?! I've NEVER had to work to get a man to have an erection, until I got married.

 

AM I IN THE WRONG!?!?!?!?!?

[steveb]

He most likely needs to see a doctor and is in denial that something can be wrong with him.

He is looking for a problem to exist anywhere but with him physically.

[AprilFool]

I was telling one of my girlfriends about how we can only have sex when he wants it, but I still have to work to get him hard, and she said, "you have to WORK to get him hard?" She was giving me tips like walk around naked, and wear lingerie, and I'm like I've tried that, and she was like, "That didn't work!?"

 

She couldn't BELEIVE how much trouble I have with him. I also confided that he told me, "It's easier to turn girls on than guys," and she laughed! I didn't think that was an accurate statement, and I was releived that it wasn't all in my head when she laughed.

 

!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[Tony T]

You have a right to be frustrated but you shouldn't have sat idly by for months in a sexless marriage. Nor should you cave in to your husband during his very infrequent needs. This sends a very wrong message to him and makes the relationship terribly one-sided.

 

The two of you need medical and psychological help immediately to deal with this problem. A small but extremely important part of marriage is the sexual expression of closeness. Without that, one or both will explode with anger and frustration and eventually the marriage will end.

 

First, have your husband get a complete medical checkup including appropriate bloodwork. Have the doctor evaluate the effects of any medications he may be taking. There are hundreds of reasons for low desire for intercourse, from excessive masturbation and work or financial-related stress to diabetes and heart disease. He needs a COMPLETE AND FULL physical evaluation.

 

If it is found that he is free of physical defect, move on to counselling where a very good therapist can teach both of you skills to help you regain the drive that once was there. This will all take some work but make it fun, easy and at a comfortable pace.

 

This is an emergency situation. Your outburst could signal the beginning of the end unless there are apologies and the two of you recognize the seriousness of the problem. I can't emphasize too much that if either partner in a marriage is not fulfilled sexually, there are so many things that can happen...from cheating to severe anger and frustration to divorce. Get help IMMEDIATELY!!!

[Reckless]

One of the major reasons that couples flounder is that they seek help and start working on their problems too late - contempt withdrawal, blame are so deeply ingrained by the time they REALLY talk about things that even counseling fails to alleviate the distress.

 

Your husband's problem isn't his problem it's both of your problem and whatever the root cause you have to approach it as a couple. Not by fluffing around the issues but by biting the bullet and approaching it as a serious problem. I understand the frustration you feel but if he had cancer (God forbid) or some other medical condition, even if he was in denial, I doubt if you would blame or shame him because he could not perform certain tasks. Neither would you humor him at the possible cost of his life, ignoring the symptoms and accepting that he's chronically tired because you can't cook or the bedsheets are ugly. Instead you would have to face the problem head on, firstly recognising that you have a life threatening medical condition on your hands and then looking at your options. Hurting each other and turning away from each other in anger is not way to deal with it, neither is talking to girlfriends and tapping away on the net.

 

When he comes home, apologise to your husband for your outburst which must have been frightening and threatening for him and sit down and deal with what you have, which is as has been stated, something that could destroy your marriage. Don't let this happen. Look at how your going to deal with things, where you're going to go for help, attacking the problem not each other; remember always be 'excellent' with each other - it's the best way.

 

R.

[moimeme]

It's interesting that the porn issue is in a separate thread and not mentioned in this thread. Your marriage is in trouble on many fronts. You accuse him of lying to you about porn. He can't perform and never could. These are not issues that can be solved on a board. You absolutely need medical help and you absolutely need counselling to resolve your issues.

 

I can't say for certain, but I am pretty sure that the whole porn issue is affecting your affections for one another so that the sex becomes impossible. Bottom line: these are not two separate issues and both need to be dealt with (and I'm guessing there are a lot more). After all, you called your husband a 'loser' in that other thread. This does not bespeak a loving relationship.

[midori]

I'm sure that men have performance anxieties that may be just as crippling as some women's negative body images. And pressure in the moment will only make that worse. Your husband is not trying to insult you. He's probably 10x's more upset about this than you are, even if he's not showing it.

 

I agree with Tony that your husband should first get checked out by a doctor, to make sure everything is in working order. And the two of you should seek counseling -- perhaps as a couple. A sex counselor could do that if you're not sure what to do. Women seem to think that all guys are programmed the same way, but obviously that's not true. People have a lot of embedded assumptions about themselves mixed into their sense of their attractiveness and sexuality.

 

 

I haven't read the post you've evidently written about your husband's liking for porn, but in my experience porn is not something that necessarily decreases a guy's desire for real, live sex. It's a supplement for many guys. For your husband it could be a less threatening situation that doesn't put pressure on him to perform. I'm sure there are also instances where a guy becomes so fixated on porn that real sex becomes unappealing, but I think it would be premature to jump to that conclusion.

 

I know how frustrating and hurtful this must be for you. It's not about you. It's your husband's problem. But in my experience the more you let him know how disappointed and upset you are about it, the more difficult it will be for him to work through. I think he realllly needs to have your sympathy and support in this. I know how you might feel unattractive but believe me, it's not you. I can just about promise you that, and I'm not even a guy. If he feels like you're into him and on his side, wanting to address the problem but not thinking less of him for having it, you'll be able to support him through what must be a terribly humiliating thing for him. And then the two of you can go on to have mind-blowing sex!

[AprilFool]

But I can't communicate with this man. He won't listen. Gets so defensive every time I try to talk to him about anything. I don't feel like I'm coming off as attacking him when I mention a problem, but no matter when or how calmly I bring up something that's bothering me, he doesn't want to talk about it. If I try to continue, it sits fuming, and the only response I can get out of him is him yelling mean hateful things at me. He called me a nag for trying to ask him what was wrong. He didn't tell me he's uncomfortable having sex. In fact, I said to him, "I feel like you don't enjoy sex any more...is this true?" he responded with, "Stupid-ass question!"

 

He wouldn't talk to me! He was too busy defending himself! I said, "I'm not trying to fight with you, I'm just trying to find out what's wrong." He said, "Nothing's wrong!!!" I said, "Yes it is!"

 

He refuses REFUSES to talk to me. He seems to think that if I have a problem with him, then I have the problem.

 

He won't get councelling. I tried on several occasions to get him to go with me, but he refuses to admit that we have problems. He said, "What happens in this house, stays in this house."

 

The other day, I said, "We need to talk about our marriage...I'm not happy." He snapped back with, "Well, I'm not either." I said, "So what do you want to do?" He said, "Whatever happens, happens." I said, "I was thinking about divorce, but I don't want to do that. I would like to just talk it out with you." He said, "There's nothing to talk about." I said, "Why are you satisfied living in an unhappy marriage?" he said, "I don't care."

 

It's like he doesn't want to talk about anything! I started actually believing that he really didn't care about me, but then Thanksgiving came around, and he was the perfect husband. Then, my birthday rolled around, and he was the perfect husband.....Some of the ways he acts shows me that he must care TREMENDOUSLY about me, but he refuses to admit we have problems. I am NOT satisfied in this marriage, but I do love my husband. He doesn't seem willing to admit that we have problems...he thinks that I have problems.

 

I can not communicate with him!

[HokeyReligions]

You need to get some professional counseling for yourself. That is how I started - with counseling myself. Eventually my husband did go to counseling and to doctors, etc.

 

My husband and I have not had sex in more than a dozen years - I know how you are feeling right now - I felt that way for years and finally when we had things worked out my huband became disabled and now he can't have intercourse and is too uncomfortable with any other kind of sexual intimacy. I made the decision to stay with him and we have a wonderful, celibate, marriage. But it took a lot of tears and heartbreak to get to this point. There were times when I thought I should have left him and if this board had existed way back then and I had posted my problems I'll bet people would have told me to leave and save my sanity and find happiness myself. I am glad now that I didn't because I couldn't imagin not being married to him, but there were times when I thought I should have left permanently.

 

You need help yourself to deal with this now. Somehow your husband has to be convinced to seek medical and psychological counseling. The therapist that you see may be able to help you with this.

[AprilFool]

Thanks so much for your reply, Hokey

[wiseOLDman]

hey all, I'm on board with the need for some counselling here, but I think it's a very large leap to say he needs to be examined, medically, just because he doesn't want to have sex. Sure, it's entirely possible that he's having a function problem, but it IS possible that he just doesn't have much of an interest in sex, he's bored with it, or any number of other rational explanations. Even in AprilFool's initial post, she said:

 

My other friend has been married for about 9 months, and she always complains that her husband wants it every night. She says he lays down behind her, and his big thing pokes her in the back! She said she's sick of sex!

 

Unfortunately this sounds like it runs much deeper than sex and if he won't go to joint counselling, then AprilFool should go herself.

[Tony T]

"I'm on board with the need for some counselling here, but I think it's a very large leap to say he needs to be examined, medically"

 

When you have a problem of this or any serious physical nature, you first rule out medical problems before you get into counselling. This is a very serious problem and must be dealt with quickly but properly. There are a great many medical problems that can lead to low libido and a great many psychological ones as well.

[wiseOLDman]

There are a great many medical problems that can lead to low libido and a great many psychological ones as well.

 

True Tony, but from the sounds of AprilFool's post, there's definitely alot of psychological going on here and very little evidence of a physical problem.

 

but Monday night, he wanted it still, and I refused, but he turned me over, and started to turn me on, and we ended up doing it.

 

Could be physical, of course, but unfortunately it sounds like he's just not into it as often as AprilFool. I think she's got a much better chance of getting him to a counsellor than to an MD.

[moimeme]

I think she's got a much better chance of getting him to a counsellor than to an MD.

 

!!!

 

Oh I doubt that very much. If it's physical, it's physical. End of problem. Most people HATE the thought that there's 'something wrong with their mind.' It's one thing to have a physical problem; quite another to have a mental one. Anyway, all the counselling in the world won't increase blood flow if he's got some sort of physical problem, which is why he'll have to see a physician first. It would be a huge waste of money to use talk therapy if something physical was the issue.

[steveb]

I started rubbing him, and I worked and worked and worked to get it up.

 

I mentioned physical, because regardless of the emotions, it sounds like she does alot of "work" on it, and he still has a hard time getting an erection.

[wiseOLDman]

moimeme, in nine out of ten cases I would agree that

Most people HATE the thought that there's 'something wrong with their mind.'

 

But in this case, we're talking about an angry guy who may have 'something wrong with his manhood.' I'm guessing that this probably trumps the 'mind' thing in most cases. Besides, the counselling referenced above is marriage counselling. I'll still contend that this is not only a "sex" thing. It sounds to me that there are a lot more underlying problems in this marriage than lack of performance.

 

Hey, I'm not saying he shouldn't have a physical, I'm simply saying I think there are bigger problems to be solved.

[cdn]

Originally posted by steveb

he still has a hard time getting an erection.

 

No pun intended, huh? :-)

 

I'm having a hard time determining if the sex issue is the cause of April's marital problems or the effect. I'm assuming that at one point they were having sex on a schedule that suited them both. When did that change? Did anything else change at around that same time? Do you ever have physical contact (like cuddling) that is not sexual? Are you emotionally intimate? If your husband had sex with you every night, would you characterize your marriage as a good one?

 

Is there no way to talk with your husband, April? Perhaps make a "date" to do so. Rather than directing questions at him, make statements about you, i.e., I love being close to you physically and I am concerned that this is not important to you. Then wait and give him a chance to respond.

 

I also agree with all those who have recommended counseling.

[AprilFool]

The change in the sex schedule changed when I found out that he was looking at porn online....aka, as soon as we got the internet in our house.

 

We cuddle and hug all the time, especially in bed. We will rub each other's back, grab each other's rear, etc. It isn't always sexual...sometimes, it's just closeness.

 

I'm not sure how the emotionally intimate thing plays...We love each other...I know that I love him, and I believe that he loves me. He is thoughtful....

 

If my husband had sex with me every night, I still wouldn't characterize our marriage as a good one. Talking to each other is too hard for our marriage to be considered a good one. If we had sex every night, the only thing that would change would be that I wouldn't want it as much.

[ca]

April, This is sooo eeriee.. as i read ur postings, i realised how similar, how terrifyingly similar our husbands are to one another...

Exactly....what really irks is the fact that they DONT WANT TO TALK!! if there is a problem there is.... but they wudnt waste time talking about it , coz "WE" are at fault and not "THEM" and, they wudnt spent time wasting talking to "nags" like us...

Well, if Ihave a problem , or even a doubt or concern about somehting , and i briong it up in front of him, he goes on a " there u go, complaining negative attitude woman, why cant u give me a good time" i mean what the HECK!! does givin a good time include mind-reading?? a clowns dress and lotsa jokes? i dont think so !!!

I have gone out of my way in making peace and givin my husband a good time whn he gets back, but then, there r times whn ur hurt. and those are the times, thye thnkl u are nag, and dont want to be bothered with UR problems..... turn over sleep.. no hugs no kisses!!! This insensitivity is killing me really...

Another problem i have is the fact he beautifully lies...... Even if its as urgent as accompanying me to a doc's appt at 5 pm in the evening. he wud say.. yes!! ill be home by 5.. and end up at 8.... ( has happned more times than i could count !!)... He is never truthful and honest abt timings... comes home late.. and worst doesnt regret the fact he cudnt be honest abt it to me !!!!

I mean, wheres this relationship going scares me... i am working on it . .and i feel i am losing an already defeated battle at times... He is fine to everyone but me... sex happens, whn he wants it !!!

otherwise, its office, his books, and his sleep and friends...

sigh....

[AprilFool]

That's exactly how I feel/felt sometimes. Lately, though, I've been trying to not take things he does/says personally. It has helped a lot. I don't have any real good advice for you, but is there any way that if he says something to hurt you that you could just let it slide.....because he's probably not mad at you, but mad at something else.

 

As far as the sex goes, I pretty much figured out why he wasn't wanting it so much....he was whacking off to porn. I found out a couple weeks ago that he was looking at it a few times a week (not every night....just occasionally when I'm not around) I let him know that I knew, but that I didn't care, and since then he has quit lying about it, and in fact has included me in it, and our sex life has improved.

 

I tried to kid myself that he was just "looking" at it, and not doing anything to himself, but last night he confessed that he had been doing something to himself while looking at it.

 

That's why my sex life sucked.

 

SOMETHING I CAN'T FIGURE OUT: Why do men want sex sex sex sex sex with women before they're married, but after they get married, all of a sudden they want to MASTURBATE!?!?!?!?!?!

[ca]

hmmm... Men......

Status Unmarried - reaction to women - crazy wild want to have sex .. can be sweet n sensitive too , to achieve desired target to bed...

Status Married - reaction to wife - uhhh.. bored.... well later.. boy she is nag... im so better off wit office stress / reaction to other women - hmmm.... ( keep looking ogling letching perhaps too )

 

I really wonder if its got to do anything wit the scientific fact that Men work on sex with the biological need to procreate and "extend" their genes to making more people !! Variety.. screams from ever corner of their head !!!

After marriage, the woman is yours ( its being called ' taken granted for ' in other words), and well, forbidden fruits tastes better, so we've all heard..

Guess many men function like that , i duno. I would talk as per my experience..

For they , if you perhaps keep changing, become a "different woman" every day, it might work !

Gosh....!!!!(#U#(#@$ I WISH I KNEW !!

[AprilFool]

lol

[moimeme]

all of a sudden they want to MASTURBATE!

 

From what I gather, they start masturbating at 12 and don't quit until they're 112. There is nothing 'all of a sudden' about it!