yes Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 It takes many people a long long time to get over an ex, whether or not it was a long-term relationship. Why is this?? Is it because they hope to get back together? Because they're unwilling to let go of the past? Because they're afraid not to love as much ever again? Because they're too lazy to go out and build new relationships? Why does the moving on process go slower for some than others? There's a healthy balance in that one needs some time to heal, but not so much time that one ends up "living in the past", right? What are your thoughts on this?... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 People prefer to imagine reality as they want it to happen rather than the way it actually is. Man is the only animal on the planet that does this...yet we are supposed to be the most intelligent. DUH! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 so are you saying that the recipy for moving on is to simply see the world the way it is? that sounds quite reasonable. -yes PS Glad to see you've gotten back to posting here more =) Link to post Share on other sites
LaSeñorita Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 I would think that what makes it so hard would be all the memories of time shared. Relationships are kind of like habits, you get so used to doing things a certain way, with a certain person for what ever amount of time and that's hard to break. There are so many feelings involved when one is going through a breakup, it's hard to say for everyone it's totally different. I mean no matter what it always sucks to be dumped....I don't see how anyone could ever take that lightly. It is usually the one who is dumped that has the hard time getting over it. Why is this?? Is it because they hope to get back together? Because they're unwilling to let go of the past? Because they're afraid not to love as much ever again? Because they're too lazy to go out and build new relationships It's not always that they want to get back together but most of the time that probably is the case if the person was left. The past is not something you can just "let go of", haven't you ever seen something that just reminded you of something else....that's the past. I think some people are afraid at the time that they will never love like that again and that's natural b/c at the time if your in love than to you it's true and forever. I doubt it has anything to do w/ laziness. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Why is this?? Is it because they hope to get back together? Because they're unwilling to let go of the past? Because they're afraid not to love as much ever again? Because they're too lazy to go out and build new relationships I think it's probably a combination of all of these, though the "laziness" factor has more to do with an unwillingness to let themselves love again, to put their heart out there to be trounced again. when they're hurting, people forget to see love -- whatever kind they'd experienced -- for its glory because they're so focused on the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 As long as someone holds onto a broken relationship....they have yet to face the fact it is OVER! They hang onto every word, every action with a false interpretation.....which gives them a false hope. It's like when someone posts to the tune of "He won't return my calls.....do you think he is still interested?". Well, the ANSWER is painfully obvious to everyone but the poster who is deluding his or her own self. I think we all have a relationship or two back there when we wanted so badly to "make it happen" that we lost all sense of reason. Living in denial is easier than facing the pain involved in a broken relationship. Sooner or later though....the horrible truth sets in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 thanks for all your replies It seems to go back to seeing the world, incl. the people, as it is, and not "losing all senses". I think (for me anyway) it's important to make that shift from the value of a desirable person to the value of the relationship. The person could be GREAT but the relationship could be TERRIBLE at the same time. What affects ME is the relationship, so that's the thing to focus on - not their qualities per se (although the r/s certainly depends on their qualities to an extent). -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 It's the hope that people don't want to give up on. When the relationship starts, you think your lifelong dream is about to be fulfilled - that THIS will be IT at last. You put that lifetime of hoping and wanting that to happen all into the relationship; invest all of yourself into that. You spend much time getting to know someone and becoming fond of that person. Then you have to wipe all that away. That's asking a lot of a heart. When things go wrong, you believe you should try to fix them. You don't want to be one of those people that jumps ship at the first sign of trouble. You want to ride back into smooth waters. Problem is, sometimes (to continue the analogy for the heck of it), you get swamped. The sails collapse and there's no more momentum. You can never recover. The difficulty is recognizing the point when all hope is lost - and when there is still some hope. That process also wears one down. I don't think it is a bad thing that people can't easily brush off the loss of a love. How much value would a love relationship have if, upon losing it, you felt very little and proceeded to the next one as though to the next counter in the mall or the next stop in the buffet line? That'd be kinda heartless, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme The sails collapse and there's no more momentum. You can never recover. The difficulty is recognizing the point when all hope is lost - and when there is still some hope. That process also wears one down. VERY GOOD analogy Moimeme!! I call it the "thin line from HELL!". Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 As long as you look towards your future it's always easy to move on. Forget the past and think what new adventures you could be having tomorrow! or any day! I've moved on and have changed as a person, it's only been a couple weeks for this college student but im looking toward and working toward my future and goals. you should think the same Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 true, monkey00. gotta look forward. will do! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Smitten Kitten Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Hi Yes, I was with someone for 7 years. It wasn't an easy relationship. We sort of grew up together. We broke up twice due to lack of communication but there was an amazing love shared between us - there still is. We broke up last year when he let me down. His parents are of high caste culture and looked down upon me for not being as 'financial' and not being of their 'culture'. He chose to make them happy and okayed our split and an arranged marriage. To this day, he still msgs me and tries to remain in contact. Knowing him, I believe he's still in love with me. The break up for me was extremely traumatic. U know, the endless crying, the endless wondering of 'why?! how?! why? why? why?" I took the time to heal. It was painful but very appreciated. Why? Because I found me. I realised that we were not meant to be. He was not the one for me and I needed time to show respect to our memories and all that he'd meant to me in those 7 years. I could not date for a long time afterward. I felt guilt at just the thought of possibly liking a new guy. We all deal with endings in ways that will suit us. It differs for all. It took a good while for me to get over it, think it through respectfully without just jumping into the next relationship. All that time though I never thought of getting back with him or missing him or wishing it had worked out any differently. I was just taking my time to THANK HIM for the times we'd shared, the love he'd shown and the freedom he'd given me to find someone true. Link to post Share on other sites
Cape codder Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Well, I'm new and not sure if anyone is even reading this string anymore? I have been with a guy for 8 months who suffers from depression. We had a great relationship up until he started to slip back into a depressed state. He literally told me one day he loved me and the next he did not love me. We aren't kids, he is 33 and I'm 40. This along with other odd and out of character, behavior has me very concerned as I love this man with everything that I am. I don't want to waste my time and postpone my healing, waiting for him to come back but I have a gut feeling that he will wake up one day real soon and realize what he has lost. I'm kind of just hanging in and hoping this is the case. I don't want to toss in the towel just yet. He had explained to me a while ago in a very shy way that this happens with relationships he has been in when he panics. In other words he warned me but also lead me to believe I should hang in if it does. There is so much more in the way of detail I'm leaving out but suffice to say I don't feel like I'm living in a fantasy but sometimes reality is so bazaar, not cut and dry, that one has to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Especially for a great person and a relationship as good as this one was. 2 months and holding. Link to post Share on other sites
MysticalZ Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 Sometimes a person u meet strikes a chord within u that is not easy to let go. Sometimes we have something to learn. Learning doesn't always happen o'nite. Sometimes we're happy to be in solitude for a while to analyse the relationship. Sometimes we rush into a new one and it restores our faith/hopes. Sometimes we fall into a trap of sentimentality. It really is not worth pondering. I just appreciate that there is learning involved and a part of living. Have to say I'm sorta going through it right now. Yet, I still find the time to b thankful for my current angst. I'm not placing a time limit at this point, just taking it each day as it comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Liv'nLearning Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 For obvious reasons , the demise of a loving relationship can always leave one with profound grief, confusion and immense pain. I have posted on this subject many times as it as has been five months since my breakup and I still cry from time to time. What is interesting to me, is how my friends can ask me why I am crying over a jerk? Why am I grieving over a lost man and a lost cause who does not want to me be with me nor does he care how I am feeling, what I have been through since he left or how I am? Good point. Doesn't it really boil down to self esteem? Many people I have spoken to have told me that when the demise of their relationships (when they were dumped) came to abprupt halt, they gathered up their pride, ego and self esteem, turned their backs and kept walking. Some self-examination had to be done to avert future replays but, at the end of the day, noone defines the other's worth, self-esteem, sexuality, sensuality, personality traits or capacity for giving. Only we can be in charge and direct who we wish to receive our gifts. It's odd to remember only the wonderful memories but there are always reasons for the demise. For every good memory, there is a negative which we like to avert our minds from. The "potential" vs. reality. Potential is an iffy thing as we fantasize, idealize and hope with all our hearts for what might have been but......in reality, those wishes, dreams and hopes may in reality never actually be realized because the partner is incapable or doesn't share your ideals. This reality is what pains us the most. (sigh) My heart feels laid open and gutted but.......I will never allow someone else to rob me of my self respect and pride. Otherwise, the next one to come along may never know my worth. Link to post Share on other sites
mandarincool Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 We can't read their minds, even sometimes when we're together in the same room, but certainly not when we're apart. Especially if it was only a short relationship and we were only in the midst of getting to know eachother. That having been said, we long for ongoing cosmic communication. And sometimes those who are more intuitive and open "psychically" do pick up on things. But the only way to know is to ask, and the only way to ask is to reestablish contact. And we really have to ask ourselves first: is it a good idea to make contact at this particular time? I was "dumped" after four months and never could read his mind. That was part of the problem. The break seemed to be difficult for him, and certainly was for me. I begged for a bit and then communicated that I understood and would be ok and hoped he'd be feeling better as he was quite depressed. Part of his giving up on us had to do with my impatience with his depression and emotional withdrawal so early on in the relationship. Anyway, through contemplation, etc., I'm seeing that, literally, space is what is needed. Not just to mend a longed for relationship, but for moving on. What I'm saying is that whether the outcome will be reconcilliation and a second chance, or moving on gracefully either as friends or not, giving space to ones self and to the other person is the correct action. Feeling angry and frustrated, not listened to, rejected, these are the feelings we are coping with. Abandonment, sadness, grief and anger. Humiliation. Well, the most important thing is reestablishing dignity and a feeling of wholeness- like I said before: in order to "get them back" or to move on with grace. I'm trying to take space to heal and to forgive and to get through my anger and hurt. And I'm contemplating what it means to me to "allow" the other person his space. Absurd really, because it's not for me to allow or not allow. Yet I operate as though I decide: you can have space, you can't have space. You "taking" space makes me feel.... This is not real. I am now thinking I will be able to have a happy relationship once I can understand and negotiate this whole thing more comfortably. If I'd not swarmed him with my self, my need, my anxiety, he'd have felt more space and stayed put. That would not necessariy have guaranteed the relationship would have been what I was looking for, as he has some serious issues, too, but it would have allowed us to continue getting to know eachother... I'm looking forward either to a continued conversation with him, even a reconcilliation, or a peaceful resolution within myself to being broken up. It will take time, as I am a very intense and emotional person, and I miss him right now. I'm going to give myself some time and space, too. And I know that no matter what, it will all shake out in the end Link to post Share on other sites
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