Why doesn't she want to give us a second chance? (girls at LS, this is for you)

[Bobbe]

I hope this much text won't put you off from reading this and helping me Also, English is not my native language, so sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes.

 

So, after almost 5 years it ended. You can read my (long) story here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t206132/

 

After 2 weeks of being ignored we finally talked! She didn't want to talk to me because she was afraid I would convince her to come back. So I promised to not do that, said I just wanted some answers.

She was happy to see me, we talked for more than an hour in the cold outside.

 

She said again she didn't love me anymore, that there where times when we were still together and she didn't wanted to kiss me or hug me. Though she did state this happened sometimes not always although more frequent lately! I never knew this and she said she didn't wanted to tell me because I would get upset if I knew. Stupid, I know

 

She said she misses me and that she is lonely know (her choice!) but that she didn't want to come back with me just because she's lonely or feels sorry for me. She said it's very hard for her but really want to do this. She wants to be friends but needs time alone to process everything.

 

It was a warm, heart full conversation we had. At the end she gave me a big hug and we parted our ways.

 

I still had some questions and she agreed to talk one last time with me 2 days later. I waited for her after her work and we talked in her car. She pointed out again she really doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, that I shouldn't hope and pause my life for her. She wanted me to move on. She said if we are meant to be we will find each other again.

 

I asked for a second chance, to go out on some dates and make her fall in love with me again (which I could easily do!) but she refused. She said she wants to close this chapter of her life and move on. She said she wouldn't close her heart for me and wouldn't stop it when her feelings coming back but she doesn't want to force it. IF we are going to be back together she wants it to be a new beginning and not just a continuation of what we had before because she fears it wouldn't last long.

 

The thing I don't understand is why she won't fight for us. She knows I can easily make her love me again. We had some funny moments in the car, we laughed much because of funny things I said and then she said: "Stop it, I'm going to like you again"..

So I really really don't understand why she wants to throw away everything we had. We still have an enormous great band, the chemistry between us is still there. She just sees me as a very very good friend now.

But she knows I'm going to be better in a couple of weeks, going to be released of my sleeping disorder.

 

Every time I was not tired (not often that is ) we had a great time and you could see the love in her for me at those times. The sleep was the only problem we had, take that away and we would still be happy together.

 

So I don't understand why she wouldn't give us a second chance? I just want to take her on a few dates, so she can rediscover why she fell in love with me.

 

I promised her to leave her alone and I'm a man of my word! She said she will contact me when she's ready. I decided to move on with my life and keep improving myself. Thinking about going to the gym. (I already sport everyday on my own) and doing everyday something out of my comfort zone to improve myself. I don't given up on her, I'm 100 % confident there's still some love for me left in her because of her body language on our good times, she just can't see it know I think.

 

Also, she admitted she listened to the advice of her friend. Her friend who doesn't know I have a sleeping disorder and so has a wrong image of me when she gave the advice. That doesn't seem fair

 

 

So why would she refuse a second chance, knowing we could be very happy together when I sleep well??

 

I'm optimistic we will eventually be back together, I'm not giving hope up just yet! So advice?

 

And I know for a fact there is NO other guy! So no other guy theories please

Edited October 21, 2009 by Bobbe

[McGrupp]

im similiar situation with you.

 

i dont know the answer, but its the worst feeling in the world when they act like they dont want to kiss or hug you.

[Bobbe]

I only heard this when it was to late, had she told me this earlier we could've worked it out. I'm convinced we still can but if she doesn't want..

I can't force her..

 

I'm hoping time alone will show her what she's throwing away.

[BCCA]

The thing you need to understand about most women is that they are very indirect. They read and react to body language very well. Us men, on the other hand, are very direct; we assume everything is fine unless we are told otherwise.

 

This is why there are always going to be countless stories of women dumping guys, who are seemingly confused as to why and why they women wont try again.

 

In her mind, she told you over what was bothering her and when. She probably didnt make a list or tell you verbally, but her body language (in her mind) should have told you everything you needed to know. So, when you stand there thinking 'what do you mean its too late?' just realize that the woman has been doing her best to communicate her dislike for the state of things.

 

Problem is, guys and gals always try to communicate with eachother like they do another member of the same sex, which is fundamentally flawed.

 

The thing I don't understand is why she won't fight for us.

 

Ugh, this pains me to say almost as much as it did to hear.

 

Shes over 'you two' completely. Women detach emotionally (in general terms, everyone is different), and when they walk, they are pretty much over any feelings they had for you. Whats there to fight for, when the prize would be something youve decided youre better off without?

 

I know it sucks, but no more meet ups to talk, and no being friends. If you are to get back together, and realize - the success rate of these things lasting long term after a split is in the single digits, its only going to be because she misses you and re thinks. You NEED to stay out of her life completely so you can start to heal.

 

I know you dont want to hear this, but from this day on, live life like she isnt coming back. The sooner you do, the quicker youll get back to your old self.

[JP2009]

Hey,

I had a similar situation with my ex. Same thing. Had meetings with her, she wasn't happy to see me, didn't want to talk, but ended up crying. In the end she had somebody else waiting for her. I'm not saying that this is your case, but it sounds very similar. Be prepared.

[BCCA]

Hey,

I had a similar situation with my ex. Same thing. Had meetings with her, she wasn't happy to see me, didn't want to talk, but ended up crying. In the end she had somebody else waiting for her. I'm not saying that this is your case, but it sounds very similar. Be prepared.

 

I left this out intentionally, but yeah - very common.

 

A lot of people line up replacements before dumping their former mates. Makes their transition easier. I dont mean to be sexist, but women are notorious for this. (at least the ones in my life have been)

[symbol]

Hi Bobbe. Unfortunately, I have to agree with BCCA. She is over you. Period.

 

I had the exact same last talk with my ex 4 years ago. The only difference is he was the dumper and I (female) was the dumpee. We were together for 7.5 years prior to the break up.

 

Here is what she says to you:

 

She said again she didn't love me anymore.

 

She pointed out again she really doesn't have any feelings for me anymore, that I shouldn't hope and pause my life for her.

 

She said she wants to close this chapter of her life and move on.

 

She just sees me as a very very good friend now.

 

 

And you ask:

 

So I don't understand why she wouldn't give us a second chance?

 

I think the answer is clear. I am sorry to point this out but as Bertrand Russell puts it very eloquently:

 

"No satisfaction based upon self-deception is solid, and however unpleasant the truth may be, it is better to face it once and for all, to get used to it, and to proceed to build your life in accordance with it."

 

I hope you will heal. I know my healing is still going on but I'm feeling much better compared to 4 years ago. Good luck!

[Bobbe]

Shes over 'you two' completely. Women detach emotionally (in general terms, everyone is different), and when they walk, they are pretty much over any feelings they had for you. Whats there to fight for, when the prize would be something you've decided youre better off without?

Well, I don't know if you read my other topic? So a small summary:

I have insomnia for over a year, which changed me completely. I'm a different person but on the rare days I sleep well I'm my old self and then we always had a wonderful time.

 

At the moment I'm following a sleep therapy which should cure me of insomnia within 6 weeks.

 

She knows how great it is when I'm not tired and how happy she is with me then. So when I'm back to my normal sleeping, everyday would be such a great day for us. I'm admit it's my fault that it took so long to get my problem fixed but know I'm really focused on improving myself and be my old self again or even better. The person she fell in love with. I can be that person again for her if she let me. That's what I don't understand.

There is a big possibility to be happy but she won't take it..

 

Our band is still very strong, it feels right. At the moment I'm her best best friend who could easily become her lover again..if she gives it another chance.

I suspect the love is still inside her but she doesn't feel it at the moment.

Does that makes sense?

Edited October 21, 2009 by Bobbe

[symbol]

PS: There are so many similarities in our stories. In my case, it wasn't a sleep disorder but some qualifying exams for my PhD that I had trouble passing. He left me a few weeks after I learned I had passed them. So I was thinking, now that I've passed the exams and I'm not that stressed out anymore, we can be happy. And I was disappointed he didn't accept that now my problem was over, we could be happy. But deep down I knew those exams were not the reason why he fell out of love with me. I'm sure if you have the strength to tell yourself the truth, you will know that it's not the sleep disorder...

[BCCA]

There is a big possibility to be happy but she won't take it..

 

Life is a calculated risk.

 

In her mind, she can be happier with someone else, even at your best of times.

 

I'm telling you, its not one thing that led her to this decision. Sure, it didnt help, but it probably just made the inevitable happen sooner.

 

This is why looking for answers leads you nowhere, because the answers you want - the exact reasons shes leaving you - arent yours to get. Youll never know, and the kicker is that it doesnt even matter.

 

I'm telling you, once you hear things like I dont love you or didnt want to kiss you...its long gone, man. She was doing everything she could to hang on to whatever was there, but its gone, and you have to accept that.

[Bobbe]

I also think she tried to hold on for a long time but I don't believe the love is 100 % gone. Somewhere in her, there's still a little flame burning, the remains of a great passionate fire.

 

Why do I think this?

 

Because 4 days before the bomb fell, she looked me in the eye and I saw sparkles, I saw love! Also her body language was definitly one of love and not friendship that day. That was also a day I slept well and we really had much fun then.

On the same day she made plans to go a week away on vacation with me in november. Near-future plans.

Also, 10 days before the breakup she said she thought "I was the one." She sounded very much in love and sincere when she said it! I always know when she lies..

 

But the evening before the breakup, she talked with a friend of hers. And that friend adviced her to dump me, that friend doesn't like me either. Most importantly, that friend doesn't know I have a sleep disorder! So she gave advice to my ex based without knowing the most important part!

 

Is she was unhappy all the time, I would give up. But we still had happy times. So now I'm improving myself so I be a better man. First for myself, because I'm ashamed of what I've become. But also for her, when she wants to talk again. I'm going to be the man again she fell in love with. We'll see what happens from there..

 

Also, I don't think she's over me because she cried everytime I texted her. I didn't knew that at the time She described the pain she felt when I tried to contact her as the pain I'm having from missing her.

That's not the normal response if you don't love somebody anymore, is it?

[JP2009]

I don't know your situation, BUT... When a breakup occurs more often than not the dumper feels bad, yes. But they want to make it easier on you, so by saying she was crying when you text her, you don't know if she was or not. She could be saying this to make it sound better on her part. Honestly I know it hurts right now but cut her off do things for yourself. You will not change her mind or make up her mind, only she can do this for herself. She will wonder more if you are not talking to her and forget about her.

[BCCA]

Why do I think this?

 

Because hope dies last.

 

Also, 10 days before the breakup she said she thought "I was the one." She sounded very much in love and sincere when she said it! I always know when she lies..

 

Same thing happened to me, its very common. They go from one extreme to the other, first thinking they should just commit, then realizing their heart isnt in it. She made the decision she wanted to.

 

And that friend adviced her to dump me, that friend doesn't like me either. Most importantly, that friend doesn't know I have a sleep disorder! So she gave advice to my ex based without knowing the most important part!

 

Let me tell you, her friend just backed her up. She didnt talk her into dumping you, it doesnt work like that. Havent you seen women who date guys their entire family and friends hate? But they stay, because they love them.

 

Her friend didnt hold a gun to her head and make her do anything she didnt want to.

 

Also, I don't think she's over me because she cried everytime I texted her. I didn't knew that at the time She described the pain she felt when I tried to contact her as the pain I'm having from missing her.

 

Well, it feels pretty lousy to know that you just crapped all over someones feelings, and there is no easy way to do it. It sucks all around, for both of you. She knows youll eventually stop talking, grow apart, and its a completely life changing event for the both of you.

 

But remember - she made that decision.

 

That's not the normal response if you don't love somebody anymore, is it?

 

Guilt? Sure, how would you feel knowing someone loves you and you dont feel the same way? It feels terrible.

[symbol]

You're at the denial stage of the whole healing process. For your own good, I hope you'll move on to the other stages soon enough...

[Bobbe]

I don't know your situation, BUT... When a breakup occurs more often than not the dumper feels bad, yes. But they want to make it easier on you, so by saying she was crying when you text her, you don't know if she was or not. She could be saying this to make it sound better on her part. Honestly I know it hurts right now but cut her off do things for yourself. You will not change her mind or make up her mind, only she can do this for herself. She will wonder more if you are not talking to her and forget about her.

 

I am not talking to her because I promised that! That makes it easier for me because I'm a man of my word and she knows this. It's an extra incentive to not talk to her. She said she would contact me when she's ready. It's not an IF, it's a WHEN. In the mean while I'm going to move forward with my life now and when she contacts me I'm going to be a whole new, better me. If it is meant to be, then it will happen! If not, I will still have a very good friend in the long term and will be a better person. And it will be her loss!

 

I'm sure she was/is in real pain, she's been very honest with me and her sister told me the same thing.

 

Also, I'm a bit of a romantic and believe in destiny and such because my parents decided to get married after knowing each other 1!!! day! Next year, they will be married 25 years They said it just felt right

 

Also, BBCA

How must I interpret her body language and sparkle in her eyes on our last great day together? (and also some days in september when i slept well)

[JP2009]

Ok, her sister told you that. Well my ex's mom told me that my ex said I was the nicest guy she's ever met... Don't you think a girl would want that guy who is the nicest ever in her life either as a friend or more? Well it's been four months and she doesn't show any signs of wanting me in her life one way or the other. Things get said that make it sound better for them. I don't know how else to explain it.

[Bobbe]

Her sister told me that in the first week, when my ex was still ignoring me. I thought then she cried only once until she told me other wise.

And when I was still stupid and couldn't think straight, I waited after work for her and when she saw me she started to cry and was very emotional ( but didn't want to speak to me.)

 

I just remembered, the reason she cried is because, every time I texted her she thought of me and all the good memories. (her words).

[BCCA]

You're at the denial stage of the whole healing process

 

Yeah, I can see some signs of moving to the bargaining stage with the meet ups, but I completely agree.

 

How must I interpret her body language and sparkle in her eyes on our last great day together? (and also some days in september when i slept well)

 

Youre talking about one moment in time. One look.

 

The relationship is about a lot more than how she looked at you that one day, or what she said 6 months ago. Things change. Im sure there are some things she genuinely is going to miss about you, but friend - you dont tell someone you dont love them unless you mean it. Thats as clear cut as it gets, she probably thinks youre a great guy and would make someone happy one day, she just isnt interested in being that girl.

 

Youre over analyzing everything because youre letting your mind wander.

 

Well my ex's mom told me that my ex said I was the nicest guy she's ever met...

 

My ex's family told me I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her, and she was a (to quote her own dad) 'complete f***ing idiot' for leaving me. Know what good that did me?

 

Yeah, none. She didnt care what they thought.

 

Also, I'm a bit of a romantic and believe in destiny and such because my parents decided to get married after knowing each other 1!!! day

 

And you can win millions on $1 in lotto tickets, but what are the actual odds?

 

See what Im getting at here?

 

Youre just not seeing it clearly right now, but you need to assume that even if you did hear from her (which, guess what - people lie and you may not) it might not be about you two at all. You dont want to just be friends, youre lying to yourself if you think you do.

[BCCA]

I just remembered, the reason she cried is because, every time I texted her she thought of me and all the good memories. (her words).

 

Listen, youll learn one day...

 

A lot of things get said during breakups. 99% of them are crap to make the person getting dumped feel better, and the dumper feel less guilty.

 

This is irrelevant.

[Bobbe]

That could be true but I saw her cry because of me with my own eyes..

She is very honest and hard to me because she doesn't want me to have false hope, I don't think she would made something like that up. It's not in her, I know her to well. It may be difficult to believe but we still have a great connection and I really know when she lies and when not.

 

What are all the stages?

[northstar1]

That could be true but I saw her cry because of me with my own eyes..

She is very honest and hard to me because she doesn't want me to have false hope, I don't think she would made something like that up. It's not in her, I know her to well. It may be difficult to believe but we still have a great connection and I really know when she lies and when not.

 

What are all the stages?

 

Listen to BCCA man, he is giving you solid advice.

Look, we've been there, so we know how easy it is to start looking back at the past and trying to hold onto memories into the present.

 

You need to look at her current behaviour and what she is telling you. She is being as direct as possible when she is telling you that she doesn't love you anymore. It's a damn tough pill to swallow and you are looking for any reason not to accept it.

 

You may have a good connection, but she doesn't want that connection to be one of a relationship any longer.

[BCCA]

What are all the stages?

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Its not uncommon to go back and forth through all the stages throughout this ordeal, but I've found that 1 & 3 are especially tough.

[Leveller]

Where do mind games come in? I'm at 5 but feel we're also in the mind games stage...

[McGrupp]

i went from 1>4>3>4>2>4. im almost at 5!

[BCCA]

Where do mind games come in? I'm at 5 but feel we're also in the mind games stage...

 

Be more specific. What kind of mind games?

 

Also, why arent you just full NC?