What the hell am I gonna do???

[bones34]

I am in a mess and I need some serious,non-judgemental advice. I posted a thread back in October ("In love with another guy-please help") saying that my husband and I were having trouble and I was "in love" with my co-worker. Anyway things have gotten pretty bad between me and my husband,because my heart is still with my co-worker James and not with him. So now we are in the process of getting a divorce--he has an appt. with a lawyer this coming Tuesday. I am having mixed feelings about this--Part of me wants to get a divorce and be single again and/or be with James(the other guy). and the other part of me thinks about my husband, the past,how we fell in love,etc. and I don't want to lose him. I know it is not fair to stay with my husband when my heart is elsewhere, but I'm afraid of losing everything if we go through with this divorce. Not to mention my family already told me (On Thanksgiving, no less ) that I will be making a big mistake by leaving my husband to be with someone else,because they will all give him (James) the cold shoulder if I bring him around them! I am torn between my husband who I love,but am not "in love"with, my family who will resent me and give James hell, or James who my heart lies with and who I am in love with indefinitely!! I am terrified of being alone and left with nothing--Please help!!!

[HokeyReligions]

You can't go back to the way it was before. Thinking about it only makes you sad right now so every time you find yourself reminiscing - tell yourself to stop it. I had to put away the pictures of my kids for a while because I couldn't help feeling so sad. Now I can look at their pictures, remember how they sounded, how they smelled, the feel of their hair, and I still cry - but not in desperation, because I've accepted that I can't bring them back. Don't worry about the future - you can't predict it and families are notorious for not acting the way you expect they will, or even how they say they will.

 

If James is there for you, then be there for him. If your family doesn't want to have anything to do with James, then don't put him in that situation.

 

You have to do what is right and best for you. Don't worry about your family - they will probably come around when they see you are happy.

[fire fighter]

Hi Bones

 

I remember reading your post back in October because it just broke my heart. I didn’t have the energy to write though…you see, I had just found out my wife of 2 years was having an affair with someone she met at work.

 

I want to write a really long post but I have to go, so I’ll keep it short.

 

I’m guessing by now that you and James have slept together and also that you husband knows about the relationship. Even if you didn’t, it was the affair with him that has led to your separation. Even if it was “just” and Emotional Affair.

 

About 5% of relationships that begin as affairs make it to marriage. Of those marriages, about 80% end in divorce.

 

Why?

 

Because affairs are based on lies and deceit…they are a fantasy. You and James don’t live out “real life” together. There are no real life issues to deal with in your relationship (like money or domestic chores, etc)…of course it’s easy to fall in love under those conditions.

 

When the damage is done, affairs very, very seldom last in the “real world”.

 

Also ask yourself: “What kind of a man has an affair with a married woman?”….I believe the phrase “what goes around, comes around” was born from this kind of thing.

 

I will try to write more later. But I just wanted to say that IT’S A GOOD THING you are having doubts now. In 5 years, when it’s too late to go back, the pain and sorrow will be unbearable.

 

Hockey Religions gave you really bad advice: “Follow you heart and do what feels good” is not good advice. That’s the advice that makes for a 50% divorce rate these days. Relationships take WORK on both sides to be happy. You can’t just give up and move onto the next one.

 

Eventually your relationship with James (if you try to continue with him) will reach that point…where the euphoria wanes and you will be just another couple having problems. What will you do then? What will HE do then???

 

The damage might be done with though. Maybe your husband is not willing to try an rebuild the marriage.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by bones34

I am in a mess and I need some serious,non-judgemental advice. (

 

Okay.....no judgements here. What I WILL tell you is this: In life, you reap what you sow. In your case...you sowed some bad seeds and may get a giant crop failure!

 

I will ALWAYS understand how someone gets themselves into an affair. What I DON'T understand is why people get themselves into an affair and then....have serious doubts about getting out of the marriage because they are afraid of being alone????? There isn't any way you can have it all!

 

You HAVE to make a choice between your husband and the other guy. If neither works out...then I would think you would RATHER be alone than in a marriage which obviously didn't meet your needs anyway.

 

Again....I'm not judging.....I'm just not understanding.

[bones34]

The messed up thing about it all is that I am 80% (at least) to blame for this divorce. I fell in love with someone else because my husband was(and still is) in the process of building a house and was never around,and for selfish reasons I seeked attention from someone else. Unfortunately I did slip up and have been having an affair with James for the past 2 months. I am sad because I really don't feel guilty like I should,and I know that if James was not in the picture my husband and I would not be in this boat right now,I just don't know how to say goodbye to James,or if I even want to. My husband and I used to be SO in love,everyone envied our marriage,saying that we were perfect for eachother and so happy--Well if we we so perfect and happy then why in the fu*k did I go elsewhere?

[bones34]

Originally posted by fire fighter

Hi Bones

 

I remember reading your post back in October because it just broke my heart. I didn’t have the energy to write though…you see, I had just found out my wife of 2 years was having an affair with someone she met at work.

 

I want to write a really long post but I have to go, so I’ll keep it short.

 

I’m guessing by now that you and James have slept together and also that you husband knows about the relationship. Even if you didn’t, it was the affair with him that has led to your separation. Even if it was “just” and Emotional Affair.

 

About 5% of relationships that begin as affairs make it to marriage. Of those marriages, about 80% end in divorce.

 

Why?

 

Because affairs are based on lies and deceit…they are a fantasy. You and James don’t live out “real life” together. There are no real life issues to deal with in your relationship (like money or domestic chores, etc)…of course it’s easy to fall in love under those conditions.

 

When the damage is done, affairs very, very seldom last in the “real world”.

 

Also ask yourself: “What kind of a man has an affair with a married woman?”….I believe the phrase “what goes around, comes around” was born from this kind of thing.

 

I will try to write more later. But I just wanted to say that IT’S A GOOD THING you are having doubts now. In 5 years, when it’s too late to go back, the pain and sorrow will be unbearable.

 

Hockey Religions gave you really bad advice: “Follow you heart and do what feels good” is not good advice. That’s the advice that makes for a 50% divorce rate these days. Relationships take WORK on both sides to be happy. You can’t just give up and move onto the next one.

 

Eventually your relationship with James (if you try to continue with him) will reach that point…where the euphoria wanes and you will be just another couple having problems. What will you do then? What will HE do then???

 

The damage might be done with though. Maybe your husband is not willing to try an rebuild the marriage.

He told me he is done 'cuz he is sick of trying and that there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He does NOT know about the affair by the way

[fire fighter]

Originally posted by bones34 Well if we we so perfect and happy then why in the fu*k did I go elsewhere?

 

Everyone has emotional needs. When you are dating someone it's natural to want to collect and give information - so there is alot of talking. Also, there is naturally alot of affection and sex. So these three things: conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment usually cover the top needs for both the man and woman in the relationship. With someone new, we fill these needs without "realizing it".

 

When you get married and your relationship grows, you have to work at filling your partners needs. Otherwise, the marriage is susceptible to infidelity.

 

You were not having your needs filled by your husband (sounds like you were missing affection and conversation - but your husband was concentrating on financial support and domestic support by building a house). James stepped in an filled them for you, so you fell in love.

[fire fighter]

Originally posted by bones34

He told me he is done 'cuz he is sick of trying and that there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He does NOT know about the affair by the way

 

If he doesn't know about the affair then why divorce? Who pushed for divorce?

 

Either there is some other big issue here, or my guess is that since the affair started you have probably been really distant from your husband and have treated him really badly (which is natural in these situations).

 

Bones, affairs very, very rarely last over the long term (after they are exposed). They can last for years and years when nourished by secrecy and lies, but once they are open to the real world, they never last. If you divorce and try to be with James, you will end up alone - maybe that's what you want.

 

Keep in mind that since your family knows (and some people at work, some friends?) your husband will find out soon enough. That's just life. He may know already - or at least have an instinct that something is up. Has he asked you if you are having an affair? Yes?

 

Go to this website:

 

<URL removed>

 

read the infidelity links at the right side of the page (or click below):

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

 

Also try reading the discussion forums. Lots of people make it through this kind of thing.

 

If you want to give your marriage a chance, you have to tell you husband and you also have to cut off all contact with James. It will be very painful at first, yes, but in the long run you will probably be much happier (provided there is not some other issue between you and your husband, like abuse or alcoholism).

[bones34]

My husband knows that I have feelings for James, not that I see him on a regular basis. He thinks we just talk at work and that there is NO outside contact. The same goes for my family,they just think it's a crush that I have on James and nothing more. The divorce was a mutual thing--my husband got sick of being pushed away by me and treated badly(fire fighter you were right)and I pretty much said"Fine by me" and that leads us up to now. I realize that if I do go through with this divorce and end up with James there will be no trust. Take last night (Friday Dec.5) for example, James called my phone at 2:30 am and I had it off 'cuz I wanted to sleep without distraction. Anyway he leaves a message saying"Thanks for not answering your phone,hope your having fun!" When I heard that I was like"Damn,What the hell was that!?" He is already starting the jealousy shi*,so I know we will never have trust. I think what I need is to find my self. Since I moved out of my parents house at 19(I am now 29) I have never been by myself, I've always had a man living with me. I think being alone is just what I need--I'm just afraid!!

[fire fighter75]

No, you and James will never have trust. Like I said you relationship with him will sour pretty quickly. They always do. So you can see that "jealousy" is one thing you & James didn't have to deal with before - that was left for your husband to deal with (along with a bunch of other things probably).

 

I think being alone is just what I need--I'm just afraid!!

 

You should at least get counseling Bones. It involves swallowing alot of pride, yes, but you should do it. It's such a great help to talk to someone who has seen this so many times before and is educated about it. People on the Internet can't give you good advice - myself included.

 

I'm just going on what I know. My wife (27) and I (28) are recovering from her affair and it's going pretty well for us, considering it's so fresh (I found out October 3). We are in marriage counseling.

 

My guess is that if you did get counseling, you would discover that you probably don't need to "be alone".

 

If you have a desire to party like a mad woman and try out all different men, then yes, you need to be alone. If your husband was abusive, then yes also. But it doesn't sound like either is the case.

 

People work very well in pairs, and that's why the institution of marriage has been around forever. People are not usually happy alone, because we all have needs that we can't fulfill by ourselves.

 

However, "working well in pairs" takes effort from both sides. Especially in this day and age, with the way workplaces are ...and the way our media glamorizes infidelity as the "romantic love affair" - when really, affairs are a type of addiction. Also there is this poisonous myth perpetuated everywhere: that soul mates are someONE rather than the choices we make as partners to create connection, intimacy, love and romance in our marriages.

 

I can't tell you what to do. I would just say book an appointment with a marriage counselor (to go by yourself).

 

You and your husband can choose to make each other you soul-mate. In order for that to happen, you need to break off all contact with James, completely. Also you need to bear you soul to your husband and tell him what happened.