Extremely frustrated with mother-in-law-to-be

[Bumble]

Sorry for the wall of text, it's a really hairy issue. If you read this AND give me advice, I owe you a medal. But, there is a lot of insanity in this story which you might find amusing?

 

I've been dating my fiance (J) for the past 4 and a half years and we're going to be married in January (yay?) When I first started dating him, his brother-in-law (E) sat me down and told me to be very careful around his parents, especially his mother, because they were *ahem* insane and over-protective when it came to their children. He always made little comments about our mother-in-law, which, quite frankly, I thought made him a lunatic. I assumed there was just some drama between the two because he and his wife were married on not so good terms.

 

Anyway, for a while, I thought J's parents were great. They were nice to me, generous, and certainly not all of the negative things that E had told me. Well, it started a while ago when I was sort of informally living at J's and his parents' house (he lived 30 minutes away, so it was just more convenient to stay there most of the week). Last spring, J's mom, upset that I refuse to eat food past its expiration date (thus "wasting it") kicked both of us out. We went to my mother's house, who tried very very hard not to call J's mother a lunatic/psycho. We stayed there for a while, while J's parents argued over the stupidity of doing such a thing (the dad arguing it was stupid, the mother arguing it was not). The dad said some choice words and asked us both to come back. J went, I did not. This past spring though, my mother got married, moved out of her house into her new husband's house, and told me I had to find a new place to live or I'd be living with other renters. The whole time, J's mom was stupidly asking why I hadn't been moving stuff in (though she never apologized for kicking me out for such a silly reason, nor does she seem to "remember" that she did it).

 

Begrudgingly, I moved some of my clothes back to J's parents' house, with the understanding that it was just until we found a new place. So I tried to make the best of it, despite having no room to put anything, not being allowed to go in certain rooms (seriously), and living with stupid rules (like, no using the dishwasher even though it works and is easier and cleaner than washing dishes by hand, and no using the washer/dryer except for the weekends which is when they are being used constantly). So, whatever.

 

I started my MA program this fall, so now, I'm working full time, going to school full time, planning a wedding, and looking for a house. Yes, J helps with the last 2 as much as any male can, but it's still a lot for me to handle. I leave everyday at 7am and get home everyday around 10 or 10:30 at night. I am exhausted when I get home. Plus, I've been kind of sleep deprived and depressed just from all the side drama I have going on. I'm not extremely talkative lately, but I try very hard not to take my stress out on anyone who didn't contribute to it.

 

Now that I've explained that, the problem: J's mom is freaking out because she's paranoid that I don't chit-chat with her every single day because I hate her guts and want to get away from her. The latter is very very true, but I do try to not hate the woman. She routinely flips out whenever she has to say "hi" to me first and I don't enthusiastically delve into any topic when I get in (neither does she, actually, she's an extremely quiet person and often mumbles, making it particularly difficult to have a conversation with her).

 

The other part of this is that, in the past, when I've tried to have light conversation with her, she turns it into an argument. She likes to cut down J (she used to like cutting down her daughter) and I make it clear that I don't allow that. She's also extremely conservative politically and hates black people, so I can't say anything topical like "So, Obama won the Nobel, that's kind of neat, right?" or really anything to do with the news, because Democrats are Satan's helpers too. If I bring up the wedding, she makes these really cheesy suggestions that I just nod along with, then later gets angry when I don't use her suggestions, so wedding is out. I also can't bring up the house search because she's pissed off that we're planning on moving out (???). If I bring up school, she gives me advice despite knowing nothing about the field, then again, gets angry when I don't use that advice, so no school. My job is extremely depressing and I don't like talking about it, nor am I really allowed to due to patient confidentiality, so nothing about work. I can't ever make comments like "man, I'm really tired/stressed out" because then she'll scoff and list all the stuff she's done, as if it's a competition. So, I really have nothing to say to her. I can't think of anything, and I will admit, I am not the most creative conversationalist. I come home, she says "hi" I say "hi" and then I go to bed.

 

Some of the problem might be that I can talk to J's dad about ANYTHING. We debate politics all the time, talk about current news, and even about history channel or books because we both are history buffs who love reading. He used to be an attorney for underprivileged children, and I work in a clinic that serves underprivileged children, so he can sympathize with the stresses I have at work. I know she sees us debating and probably gets jealous, but damn, what do I do? She's made it impossible for me to have a conversation with her. The only thing I could think to bring up recently was that my mother got a new puppy. Puppies aren't terribly controversial (I think).

 

This conflict (though one-sided) is a major strain, not only on J's parents' marriage (because J's dad sticks up for me and J's mom wants to murder me into pieces), but they are both doing this major guilt-tripping on J. So now J feels pressure to do something, even though this doesn't involve him all that much (I THINK). Never has J's mom ever approached me about ANY problems ever. It was only when I got super fed up with J complaining about how stressed out his parents are making him that I went down and said something. I told both of them that if there's an issue with me, don't complain to J. If it's with me, talk to me. Also, don't expect conversational miracles from me because I come in everyday at 10pm and weekends are my homework days. I don't have any breaks in my week, so I'm always tired and stressed. If you take that personally, that's not my fault. Then I asked, what do I need to change or do to make you happy? J's mom stared at me for a minute and said "you need to say hi when you walk in!" and I said, "ok, I'll work on it (not really, because I already do that, you crazy bitch) what else?" She just stared at me, obviously without anything more to add, then said "you scream at J all the time and I don't like it". I know that's a lie and she just made it up to sound less stupid for making all this drama, so I said "No, I don't. I never have. The only occasion when you thought I was, for whatever reason, was when I shouted to J from downstairs 'hey, are you ready to go yet?' that is not 'screaming'." She stared blankly at me and said "well... ok." I asked her for more things she wanted to see change, so she repeated the "saying hi" thing twice more. The conversation ended shortly thereafter, and I went upstairs and went to bed.

 

I thought, great, quick-and-to-the-point-me has done it once again. I solved the problem. No more drama! Back to work! Well, no. Not exactly. She's still ranting and raving about whatever stuff she's made up about me and it's driving me insane. She's still making nasty comments about me, and still threatening to leave her husband and cut J out of her will because both of them are "siding" with me (which is really just them yelling at me to fix it, somehow, even though both concede that none of this is my fault).

 

WHAT DO I DOOOO? GAH I'M READY TO PULL MY HAIR OUUUUTT!!!

[2sure]

Living with your BF's parents or In Laws never ever works.

 

You are a guest in their home, and are either an unwanted guest or being treated to their family dysfunction just like family.

 

If you are living with them to save money for a house and wedding, all you can say is Thank you, and vow from now on to never depend on them again.

[Joie de Vivre]

wow that sounds like my in-laws!!

 

though mother-in-law is not a lunatic, and is truly a nice person deep inside, a lot of times she can be full of the same rubbish too!

 

I can't solve my own problems with my in-laws, but the advice other people have been giving me is this:

 

1. try your best not to put your fiance in the middle. it's just going to add stress to the relationship.

 

2. try your best to be oblivious to her drama as possible. don't feed into her drama. for example when she complains about your so-called "rude" behavior, just shrug it off and say "oh really? I didn't notice I was like that. I have been so busy and coming home late at night. I will be sure to spend more time with you next time chatting with you next time." ... and then don't. usually my mother in law will get tired of telling me to do this and that and she will give up the drama.

 

either than that, it sucks to be living with in-laws

 

good luck and hang in there!!

[Bumble]

@2sure - yeah, I'm learning that this arrangement is a bad idea the hard way... I am just hoping and praying this offer on this house goes through so I can do just what you said, say "thanks" and just never ask for their help with anything ever again!

 

@Joie - I try SO hard not to put my fiance in the middle, but his mother keeps dragging him in! It's so frustrating. I keep telling him to just tell her to talk to me instead of him, but it's just not working. I think she wants him to side with her so badly that she just will not stop bugging him about this goofiness. Maybe I'll tell my fiance to say just what you were saying and see if that will AT LEAST get her to talk to me (so that I can say the same thing).

[boundaryproblem]

Sounds like your soon-to-be mother-in-law is a narcissist.

 

Better read up on them.

 

They have to be handled a certain way. E tried to warn you.

 

I divorced my husband over this because he would not stand up to his mom.

 

Create a lot of distance (emotional and physical) between J/you and her - and your marriage will be fine.

 

It is all about boundaries. J has to help you enforce them.

 

Be reasonable in that she has her needs, so you don't need to twist the knife, but you have to clearly delineate the intimacy zone with J or there will be no real marriage.

 

She thrives on attention and will do anything to get it. If there is no real issue, she will make one up. Which is why she is making you feel crazy.