Cat "Sitting" for the STBXW?

[FeelingLonely98]

So, the STBXW has removed all her belongings from our house. By this time next week we will have all of our D papers submitted to the court awaiting a date to appear before the judge. Since the STBXW left 36 days ago I have taken care of her (our?) two cats. (Feeding them, litter box, buying food, giving them attention, etc.) She says when she gets her apt. in a few months she will take them. I told her I’d like to get my own cat soon and asked her if she could find a different arrangement instead of leaving the cats for me to take care of. I told I would adopt them permanently if she wants but she said no. When I asked her if she could take them now she said no – there is no room at her Mom’s, it is too expensive to board them somewhere, … so I basically told her fine, I will do this her way – as I’ve done most everything in this mess since she dropped the D-bomb on me 55 days ago.

 

What do you all think? … Am I being too nice? Is there another solution? I’m thinking of telling her I will get my own kitten now and if the older cats don’t get along with the kitten then I will ask her to take them.

 

Any advice?

[Art_Critic]

What do you all think? … Am I being too nice?

 

What I think is she is using you somewhat..

 

I would think you need to tell her to make arrangements for the cats and set a specific date.. maybe the day the divorce is final.

 

She certainly isn't doing this to be nice to you

It's all about her accepting responsibility for her own pets and your boundaries concerning how long you will allow her to BOARD them at YOUR house.

If you were not getting your own cat then you could chalk it up to just being and doing something nice for her but since you want your own cat then you need to decide what is more important to you..

[Zaragon]

First thing I wan to say is divorce is hard. You are still really hurt and upset. Things can happen that might effect your decision making abilities. Is it really the cats that are bothering you or your wife's demeanor? You can punish the cats if you want, drop them off at a center or an adoption home. Is that what you want? Will it hurt her, yes. Will you be happy after all this? Probably Not. I agree its not fair to be bending over so much but my advice is don't argue with her just ignore her. Honestly getting another cat might not help you at this point. Just write a journal, lift weights, try your best not to think about or over emphasize her words. Is she thinking of me? How can she act like this? You can never find reasoning in these situations. You go from lovers to strangers and it's hard to fathom. Your best medicine is working on yourself instead of pondering on her unreasonable actions. Don't turn into a vengeful bitter person.

[Aksion]

Similar situation -- except when my wife came to clean up the rest of her ****, I told her straight up the cat was mine now. She was always the one who loved 'our' cat(s) (we got this one not even 6 months ago after our other one passed) and did everything for it, but this was the only place it'd ever known and it took a liking to me early. She didn't want to agree, but I told her she had no say in it as SHE was the one who left. My answer? Keep the cat(s) if you want them and like having them around. You didn't leave. She did.

[FeelingLonely98]

First thing I wan to say is divorce is hard. You are still really hurt and upset. Things can happen that might effect your decision making abilities. Is it really the cats that are bothering you or your wife's demeanor? You can punish the cats if you want, drop them off at a center or an adoption home. Is that what you want? Will it hurt her, yes. Will you be happy after all this? Probably Not. I agree its not fair to be bending over so much but my advice is don't argue with her just ignore her. Honestly getting another cat might not help you at this point. Just write a journal, lift weights, try your best not to think about or over emphasize her words. Is she thinking of me? How can she act like this? You can never find reasoning in these situations. You go from lovers to strangers and it's hard to fathom. Your best medicine is working on yourself instead of pondering on her unreasonable actions. Don't turn into a vengeful bitter person.

 

Z - I would NEVER do something that would put the cat's lives at risk. (I got chills reading your response!)

I would not send them back to the humane society. Dude - I would keep them for years and then let her take them before I would do that. I was just suggesting that she take them to her Mom's house or pay for a professional pet boarding for a few months. I guess even that sounds so horrible, huh? Based on your response maybe I should back off??????

Hmm,

 

I emailed STBXW a few hours ago that I will probably get my kitten soon anyway and hope that all the cats get along and then I will take care of all 3 until she is ready for her 2 cats and her apt.

[Zaragon]

Z - I would NEVER do something that would put the cat's lives at risk. (I got chills reading your response!)

I would not send them back to the humane society. Dude - I would keep them for years and then let her take them before I would do that. I was just suggesting that she take them to her Mom's house or pay for a professional pet boarding for a few months. I guess even that sounds so horrible, huh? Based on your response maybe I should back off??????

Hmm,

 

I emailed STBXW a few hours ago that I will probably get my kitten soon anyway and hope that all the cats get along and then I will take care of all 3 until she is ready for her 2 cats and her apt.

 

Nah I didn't mean you are evil. I was simply hinting at during a breakup you sometimes get upset about little things that really are not that big a deal. Its just more heartache and I am sure you are aware of that. I don't think you are wrong in suggesting alternate housing for the cats. She told you she can't keep them I guess until she finds a place. So it's your call. I read your other post too and any man would be bitter in your situation. So I really feel for you. Just keep your chin up and enjoy the cats if you like them else drop them off at her moms on your own. Just avoid asking her more than once to take them. Its best to just ignore her for now.

[FeelingLonely98]

Nah I didn't mean you are evil. I was simply hinting at during a breakup you sometimes get upset about little things that really are not that big a deal. Its just more heartache and I am sure you are aware of that. I don't think you are wrong in suggesting alternate housing for the cats. She told you she can't keep them I guess until she finds a place. So it's your call. I read your other post too and any man would be bitter in your situation. So I really feel for you. Just keep your chin up and enjoy the cats if you like them else drop them off at her moms on your own. Just avoid asking her more than once to take them. Its best to just ignore her for now.

 

Cool - Thanks for clarifying Z. Probably good advice Z.

 

I wouldn't say I am "bitter" - just soooooooo disappointed that my STBXW became a different woman almost every night and would not try for even one minute to work on our relationship. I am still hurt by everything but I am in such a better place now.

[Zaragon]

Cool - Thanks for clarifying Z. Probably good advice Z.

 

I wouldn't say I am "bitter" - just soooooooo disappointed that my STBXW became a different woman almost every night and would not try for even one minute to work on our relationship. I am still hurt by everything but I am in such a better place now.

 

I hear ya. Good to know you are doing better.

[FeelingLonely98]

I hear ya. Good to know you are doing better.

 

Hey - hope you get there as well. You (& I) will still grieve but it WILL get better (it has for me).

 

BTW - I read your "letter" - good writing!

[Zaragon]

Hey - hope you get there as well. You (& I) will still grieve but it WILL get better (it has for me).

 

BTW - I read your "letter" - good writing!

 

Thanks part 2 is in the works haha.

[dgiirl]

I agree with Zaragon.

 

FeelingLonely, I understand your pov. Your stbx should take care of her own responsibilities. And I think it is good that you ask her to make other arrangements, especially if you can get this in writing (email). However, if it really is not possible for her (even if she's just being selfish at the moment), and it's not THAT big of a deal for you (noone is suffering from allergies or cannot afford the cats), then I think it's just easier to be the bigger person and take care of the cats for a little bit longer.

 

I'm not sure what stage you are in your divorce. But remember, doing some good deeds for her might be a better strategy and reward you something back in the divorce settlement. If you have your eyes on the big screen TV, she might let it go without a fight if you play "nice". But if you make her life a living hell with the cats, you can be sure she'll play the same way in return. Being nice is not always being a door mat. Sometimes it's just a better strategic move for something in the future. Until everything is completely 100% sign on the dotted line, c'est fini, then I would keep looking at your situation from what is in the best interest for you. If it costs very little for you to do, but has some potential for a bigger reward in the future, then do it.

[Angel1111]

She's ridiculous to expect you to keep the cats until she can get her act together. She should've thought of that before. Tell her that she either takes the cats by a certain date, or you're keeping them. If it's not stated in the divorce degree who the pets go to, then she has no recourse. If it is stated in the divorce degree that she gets them, then it's her responsibility to figure out what she's going to do with them. Don't let her use you - she apparently doesn't have enough respect for you in the first place.

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

She's abandoning her two cats and her kid, very sick lady. I don't know where you live, but I have experienced difficulties finding an apartment that allowed pets.

 

How did last weekends night out go? Did you get off your buns and dance? A man who likes cats and can dance, scoring big points with the ladies there.

 

Gallon

 

Father to Sunshine and Gracie

Step father to Mighty Mouse, Tigger / Rascal / Sox / Skitter Scat and Jewell

[trippi1432]

I just had to post and share this since it's dealing with animals and who gets what.

 

Before my current ex, I briefly lived with a boyfriend and bought a beautiful blonde Pomeranian puppy....named her Lothlorean's Dusty Gold. She was absolutely adorable. I had been warned that my current boyfriend had a bad temper....everyone he worked with warned me.

 

When we split up, I couldn't take her with me as my mother had a Pit Bull and I was worried he would kill her. So, ex-boyfriend got custody of the dog...even made me sign a paper and get it notorized that he owned the dog. It was all rather silly to be honest.

 

Since then, I have owned a beautiful black Pom, Precious Angelheart Lorrette, for 12 years and she gave me 3 beautiful babies...one that looked just like my Dusty.

 

You do get totally attached to the animals in your life. I would say keep the cats if they really mean something to you, but don't do it for revenge...you will just regret it.

[FeelingLonely98]

I agree with Zaragon.

 

FeelingLonely, I understand your pov. Your stbx should take care of her own responsibilities. And I think it is good that you ask her to make other arrangements, especially if you can get this in writing (email). However, if it really is not possible for her (even if she's just being selfish at the moment), and it's not THAT big of a deal for you (noone is suffering from allergies or cannot afford the cats), then I think it's just easier to be the bigger person and take care of the cats for a little bit longer.

 

I'm not sure what stage you are in your divorce. But remember, doing some good deeds for her might be a better strategy and reward you something back in the divorce settlement. If you have your eyes on the big screen TV, she might let it go without a fight if you play "nice". But if you make her life a living hell with the cats, you can be sure she'll play the same way in return. Being nice is not always being a door mat. Sometimes it's just a better strategic move for something in the future. Until everything is completely 100% sign on the dotted line, c'est fini, then I would keep looking at your situation from what is in the best interest for you. If it costs very little for you to do, but has some potential for a bigger reward in the future, then do it.

 

dgirl - By this time next week the signed D papers will be submitted to the courts awaiting an appearance before the judge. STBX wants no alimony and only wants her personal stuff. She will also take her debts. So there is no rreason like what you mentioned for me to play nice. In spite of all this I have still been extremely nice and dignified thru this (more than most men in my shoes) - especially after what she did and how terribly this destoyed my heart and faith - I feel right now I will never trust a woman. However, I have been and will be the bigger (better) person. I still think she is a good woman - just not well now and going about as extreme of a MLC as possible in her case. Not sure if you read my story but my 47 yr old STBXW shocked me by dumping me for an 18 yr old buy.

UGH!!!:eek:

 

P.S. I've decided I will keep the cats !!!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

She's ridiculous to expect you to keep the cats until she can get her act together. She should've thought of that before. Tell her that she either takes the cats by a certain date, or you're keeping them. If it's not stated in the divorce degree who the pets go to, then she has no recourse. If it is stated in the divorce degree that she gets them, then it's her responsibility to figure out what she's going to do with them. Don't let her use you - she apparently doesn't have enough respect for you in the first place.

 

Angel - I've decided I can't do that. I've done nothing that says I've been nasty thru any of this. Looking back I know I will feel I acted with dignity and kindness in spite of what she did to me.

 

THANKS though - I do see your point - it's just not for me.

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98

 

She's abandoning her two cats and her kid, very sick lady. I don't know where you live, but I have experienced difficulties finding an apartment that allowed pets.

 

How did last weekends night out go? Did you get off your buns and dance? A man who likes cats and can dance, scoring big points with the ladies there.

 

Gallon

 

Father to Sunshine and Gracie

Step father to Mighty Mouse, Tigger / Rascal / Sox / Skitter Scat and Jewell

 

2.50 --> See above post to Angel.

 

As far as last weekend - I mentioned in my other thread post. But thanks for asking and remembering me. I had a great time. Closed the place down at 5 am. I was not ready to dance - but talked to a few nice women - though it felt weird and while doing it I could not help thinking about trustworthiness (is that a wrod?) in a woman.

Also, though this may sound wrong of me - but I suppose I still feel like I am 29 like I was when I met my STBXW because the women who were more my age (mid-40s) felt too old for me. People tell me I look about ten years younger than I actuall am. They usuallly don't believe I am not in my 30s. I felt more comfortable talking to those that seemed about 15 years younger or so. (weird, huh?)

Talked to my MC about this saying in the future (not now!) I wouldn't want to exclude getting to know a nice woman because of this issue.

now I'm planning a Thurs-Sun Vegas trip with my sisters in about 6 weeks. Will continue trying to get out and have "fun".

 

Thanks for asking 2.50!

[FeelingLonely98]

I just had to post and share this since it's dealing with animals and who gets what.

 

Before my current ex, I briefly lived with a boyfriend and bought a beautiful blonde Pomeranian puppy....named her Lothlorean's Dusty Gold. She was absolutely adorable. I had been warned that my current boyfriend had a bad temper....everyone he worked with warned me.

 

When we split up, I couldn't take her with me as my mother had a Pit Bull and I was worried he would kill her. So, ex-boyfriend got custody of the dog...even made me sign a paper and get it notorized that he owned the dog. It was all rather silly to be honest.

 

Since then, I have owned a beautiful black Pom, Precious Angelheart Lorrette, for 12 years and she gave me 3 beautiful babies...one that looked just like my Dusty.

 

You do get totally attached to the animals in your life. I would say keep the cats if they really mean something to you, but don't do it for revenge...you will just regret it.

 

thanks trippi - I had a feeling you'd respond. :-)

I will tell her Monday when she comes to the house to finalize the papers that I will keep the cats if she wants me to. If she wants them I will "help" her by keeping them until she gets her own place for her and her 18 yr old BF. I have to be dignified - I am a nice person and want to remain so in spite of what has been done to me.

 

Did you read my "The STBXW's son chooses to stay with me" post?

She gets the cats - I get her son!! He chooses Step-Dad over biological Mom. She has been a good mom to him so I believe his choice has everything to do with what she has done.

 

PEACE.

[Angel1111]

Angel - I've decided I can't do that. I've done nothing that says I've been nasty thru any of this. Looking back I know I will feel I acted with dignity and kindness in spite of what she did to me.

 

THANKS though - I do see your point - it's just not for me.

 

Fair enough. Then keep the kitties until she's ready to take them. It would drive me nuts to be in limbo like that, but it's not that big of a deal.

[FeelingLonely98]

Fair enough. Then keep the kitties until she's ready to take them. It would drive me nuts to be in limbo like that, but it's not that big of a deal.

 

It sort of bothers me Angel - But you know the 47 yr old STBX changed SO dramatically overnight. In July we are in love, doing loving things, ... in August she wants out, found herself an 18 yr old BF, wants independence, and I am a stranger to her (she said she doesn't care if she never speaks to me or sees me again once the D is final) - Because of this I think it has pushed me so far and so fast (56 days ago she shocked me with the "I want out" talk) - that I sort of don't care much anymore. If I keep the cats now - well it is not what I want but so be it. I am a better person than that. Let's see:

 

~~~> (STBX) left me, her son, her house, & her cats for an 18 yr old

 

~~~> (Me) left behind to take care of the house, HER son, her cats. I generously packed all her stuff neatly for her to take away. I'm taking care of the D papers for her (us?). I'm actually defending her (call me stupid) when folks say she is a skank, a sl*t, a wh*re - that you deserve better than her, that she doesn't deserve U ... I tell them to lighten up - she is a decent person who is just currently in a VERY BAD place now with her MLC - which is destroying her M yes, but I don't attribute it to her being all these things people say she is.

 

THANKS all for your words of wisdom - no matter how different they may be I consider them ALL valuable and full of wisdom and experience.

 

PEACE.

[curiou]

If they are her cats and you don't feel strongly about them, tell her to come pick them up by the end of the week or you will send them to a shelter or that you will consider them yours permanently. Stop enabling her to take of advantage of you. I sense you're using them as leverage to maintain some sort of bridge between you. It's a way for you to keep in contact with her. Trust me, I've been there. It's not worth it.

 

The only way I recovered from the devastation of having my spouse leave was to disappear from her life. I toiled, I did all the psychological things you shouldn't do, and finally I said enough and WOKE UP. It's a joke now, what happened before. I can laugh about it if it ever comes up. I'm happily remarried. I chanced across this website looking for a support forum for my best friend, who is going through some crazy stuff too, and have been hooked reading all of your posts. Although I'm not quite your age, there is love and sex with other women out there if you allow yourself to move on.

[FeelingLonely98]

If they are her cats and you don't feel strongly about them, tell her to come pick them up by the end of the week or you will send them to a shelter or that you will consider them yours permanently. Stop enabling her to take of advantage of you. I sense you're using them as leverage to maintain some sort of bridge between you. It's a way for you to keep in contact with her. Trust me, I've been there. It's not worth it.

 

The only way I recovered from the devastation of having my spouse leave was to disappear from her life. I toiled, I did all the psychological things you shouldn't do, and finally I said enough and WOKE UP. It's a joke now, what happened before. I can laugh about it if it ever comes up. I'm happily remarried. I chanced across this website looking for a support forum for my best friend, who is going through some crazy stuff too, and have been hooked reading all of your posts. Although I'm not quite your age, there is love and sex with other women out there if you allow yourself to move on.

 

Thanks curiou - I look forward to more words of wisdom from you. They really ARE helpful dude!

 

Welcome to LS.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Enough with the cats. I care about them. I have kept them since my WAW walked away on 9/15. Feeding them. Cleaning their box daily. Buying everything for them. An lately cleaning the crap off the floor. Twice this week. What's wrong with them. They have a clean box. And the fat cat has been throwing up lately and always seems to choose to do it on a rug instead of the tile. OK, selfish reasons, right?

But the STBXW is selfish too. My H will take care of them! So I can leave to screw my HS bf. Enough of this carp already. I asked her son to take them to her tomorrow morning. I emailed her and told they are coming (first contact in 26 days).

It was very brief:

 

(your son) will deliver Cat1 and Cat2 to you tomorrow. The two cats, the scratching post, and the litter box. You can keep them or take them to the humane Society or find a boarding house for them.

No need for you to reply to this email I will just delete any replies and not read them.

 

That's all it said. So i am going to pretend I did NOT break NC. (day 26 -I think - and counting)

 

Am I a jerk? Maybe I should have waited a few weeks for the D to be final. (The D where she gets nothing, I get everything, she gets no alimony, and she gets all her debts) (For those who don't know - SHE wanted that settlement - just wanted to be "free" to be with her BF - so don't think I am a mean SOB to her. As a matter of fact my IC told me I was the nicest BS she ever worked with - in as much as how I treated my STBXW)

 

THOUGHTS????

[Angel1111]

Good for you! Your email to her cracked me up. Way to go!

 

I don't know why the cats are acting like that - that's very strange. Maybe they're picking up on the emotional strain in the home. Whatever the reason, you've got enough on your hands to be dealing with that. Call it selfish or anything you want but they're not your responsibility.

 

Ok, I gotta go back again and read the email you wrote...

[FeelingLonely98]

Good for you! Your email to her cracked me up. Way to go!

 

I don't know why the cats are acting like that - that's very strange. Maybe they're picking up on the emotional strain in the home. Whatever the reason, you've got enough on your hands to be dealing with that. Call it selfish or anything you want but they're not your responsibility.

 

Ok, I gotta go back again and read the email you wrote...

 

Well the original email didn't say "Cat1" "Cat 2" or "your son" - it had the actual names. Is it still so funny?