Cat "Sitting" for the STBXW?

[Angel1111]

Well the original email didn't say "Cat1" "Cat 2" or "your son" - it had the actual names. Is it still so funny?

 

Yeah, FB98, I worked that out for myself.

 

It was very funny. I loved the 'no need to reply...' part. Excellent!

[FeelingLonely98]

Yeah, FB98, I worked that out for myself.

 

It was very funny. I loved the 'no need to reply...' part. Excellent!

 

Well, I really did not want her to reply so I think it worked!! Can I say NC day 26 and counting? She never replied.

 

Her son talked to me 1/2 an hour ago saying his Mom (my STBXW) was very pissed at me for doing this now. I was floored. WOW. She has the nerve to be pissed for me cat-sitting for 3 months. Instead of saying TY for watching them while I have been out screwing a HS boy, TY for paying foir all their supplies, for cleaning their cr*p every day, for giving them attention every day. I guess I have no right to be pissed at her for giving up on a good M?

 

WAS's ... they are ALL selfish cowards, huh?

[ann09]

Personally, I don't think it's fair of her to expect you to take care of HER cats. I would tell her that if she leaves them, they're yours.

[FeelingLonely98]

Personally, I don't think it's fair of her to expect you to take care of HER cats. I would tell her that if she leaves them, they're yours.

 

Well, she left them. For almost 3 months. And she made it clear that I can not have one or both of them. But I am a nice guy so I said ok, I'll keep them. (While she is off banging her high school bf!)

OK, I feel it is enough.

 

BUT, I will make her one offer. Take them today OR I can keep them forever. (her choice now...)

[imagine]

Keep it nice. Tell her that the cats remind you of her and that you are very sorry to see her go.

 

Your stepson needs to learn to remove emotions from responses. He must always be neutral. This is the job of an intermediary.

[LonelyTiger]

FL98 - If you love the cats and they love you - keep them!

 

Your STBXW left everything behind for her teenaged boyfriend. She deserted you and she deserted 'her' cats.

 

They are, or were, behaving differently because of the stress that you are under. They will be fine once everythings settles down for you.

 

She has no right to demand anything at this point. The cats are living creatures, with feelings and they need a responsible, rational, stable adult to care for them. Right now, that's you.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - The cats are gone. She is pissed off. Instead of being thankful I took care of them for 3 months while she f*ck*ng her bf, She was pissed off!!! WOW. I tried to keep all of this nice. That I am not doing this to hurt her. Not because they are under stress. But because I feel like I am being used for her convenience or benefit. I asked her son if she wanted the scratching post (he didn't take it this time because it did not fit in his car).

He called her and she told him "No, tell him top shove it up his @ss"!!!!

This is not the woman I married. Or that I was married to over the Summer. She would never talk like that.

 

Sad ...

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

I agree with LT, I know you have your heart on getting a kitten, but consider keeping her cats, I know they are triggers, add to your good karma.

 

I always thought that karma was cr*p until I got involved with my GF.

 

When my GF decided to again enjoy male companionship, she had lots of offers, but chose me. Compared to the alternatives, I was one of the least likely candidates. She says she chose me because I was safe. But there was something there, that made her feel safe with me. I was supposed to have been a fwb with maybe a few ONS, yet 14 years later I am getting daily ILY's,

 

The only way I can explain it is karma, there were just so many things, like my Mickey Mouse lights hanging in my kitchen, that started drawing her in.

 

Dogs have always liked me. Cats I had not been around much until I met my XW. I kept our cat after we broke up.

 

When the GF and I began dating I met her dog. The dog followed her every where. For the rest of the humans in the world, he liked maybe one or two, and maybe there were another 10 he put up with. The rest of us he hated. And he let you know. At the first meeting he let me know he didn't like me. But after about 15 minutes, I some how made on the the list of people he put up with.

 

Second date, I screw things up and fall in love with her. It don't look good, as she does not want another love relationship in her life, especially since it had only been 3 months since she broke up with her XBF.

 

On the third date she notices that the dog jumps off the couch and runs to the door, about a minute before I knock. Thereafter he always forwarned her as he knew the sound of my car and would rush to the door. She had never had a BF that her dog liked.

 

She also had a couple of outside cats she fed, and she was surprised to find that they liked me too. That got her thinking. She did go out with her GF's a couple of times, but never with another guy. And I know of at least one with a money and a vette who pursued for at least another 6 months. He never had a chance as the dog did not like him. In a way in her mind I was her steady BF from the third date on.

 

Begin building your good karma, in the future the new ladies will feel it.

[floridapad]

Hello Brother

 

I have read alot of your posts and they seem to get angrier and angrier. Your are a friend and a brother in Emmaus and I would give my right nut for you but I am going to say some things that I hope you consider tough love as apposed to being and A88hole,

 

Do you REALLY love her as unconditionally as you say you do??? If so STOP BEING SO SELFISH. To me, IMHO, it seems like your ego, self esteem, self confidence is rearing it's ugly head more than unconditional love. I only say this because I have been there and sometimes I still find myself there. You want her to feel just a fraction of the pain you feel. She can not right now. Please forgive her...Not for her, but for your own sanity and sense of self love. Her actions are NOT about you. They really aren't. Yeah she hurt you. It is friggin hard. To be honest it's friggin brutal. Impossible sometimes to get past the trauma.... You want her to understand you and what she has done to YOU. SHE CAN'T.

 

Yes you care for her and she truly is making a BIG mistake, but she is in the middle of something she will not understand for several years and there is NOTHING you can do to prevent it. NOTHING.

 

What can you do? IMHO forgive her. Be the better person..Not just through your actions (because you want her back) but through your own thoughts and feelings. TRUST me. The fact that she is alienating everyone around her including her own son is stewing back in her brain but NO ONE is on her side (rightly so) or "understands" her so she lashing back with the "tell him to F off" off stuff. Is it fair??? No friggin way it is not. But the fact that you are right and she is wrong will not heal YOU. Forgiveness.

 

You are a good man FL98. A very good man. Let go of the pain so you can be the person you know inside that you are. Support her emotionally if you want but NOT because you want her back but rather because you love her unconditionally. Do what makes you feel good about yourself, not what you feel makes her come back to you.

 

BTW - 2.50 gallon's post is incredible. Excellent

[FeelingLonely98]

Great post Gallon. Thanks.

 

FP - Thanks.

Do you REALLY love her as unconditionally as you say you do??? If so STOP BEING SO SELFISH. Yes, unconditional love was always in me, i meant it, but NOT after her running from me and the family, shacking up with a HS student, committing adultery, lying, lying, lying, her trying to make me feel like the guilty one and make herself out to be the victim, ... ETC. Does unconditional love have to be such that I accept all of that? I don't feel angry. Just SO disappointed and sad. Does TRUE unconditional love mean I will be here for her in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years? Does it mean I should be a "friend" to her? IDK what the answer is. Is there an answer?

 

Please forgive her...Not for her, but for your own sanity and sense of self love. I tried to tell her I forgive her the last time we had contact about 4 weeks ago. I couldn't get it out. I feel I could genuinely get it out now ... but that would involve breaking NC.

 

Support her emotionally if you want but NOT because you want her back but rather because you love her unconditionally. Does supporting her emotionally (without expecting it is to "win" her back of course) mean I should be in contact with her? Or is it just something I do in my heart?

 

Sorry, all. I have no answers and so many questions. I am not an expert in this. Never had training in having my heart broken.

[Angel1111]

Great post Gallon. Thanks.

 

FP - Thanks.

Do you REALLY love her as unconditionally as you say you do??? If so STOP BEING SO SELFISH. Yes, unconditional love was always in me, i meant it, but NOT after her running from me and the family, shacking up with a HS student, committing adultery, lying, lying, lying, her trying to make me feel like the guilty one and make herself out to be the victim, ... ETC. Does unconditional love have to be such that I accept all of that? I don't feel angry. Just SO disappointed and sad. Does TRUE unconditional love mean I will be here for her in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, 20 years? Does it mean I should be a "friend" to her? IDK what the answer is. Is there an answer?

 

Please forgive her...Not for her, but for your own sanity and sense of self love. I tried to tell her I forgive her the last time we had contact about 4 weeks ago. I couldn't get it out. I feel I could genuinely get it out now ... but that would involve breaking NC.

 

Support her emotionally if you want but NOT because you want her back but rather because you love her unconditionally. Does supporting her emotionally (without expecting it is to "win" her back of course) mean I should be in contact with her? Or is it just something I do in my heart?

 

Sorry, all. I have no answers and so many questions. I am not an expert in this. Never had training in having my heart broken.

 

You do understand that she isn't interested in whether you forgive her or not, right? As a matter of fact, the more you act like the ever-loving, faithful husband who will always be there despite how much she walks all over you and disrespects you, just annoys her more. Besides, forgiving her has nothing at all to do with contacting her. As I quote often, 'Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.' By not coming to terms with the choice she has made, you're not hurting her at all - only yourself. Contact with her should be limited only to necessary conversation. That's it.

 

Unconditional love would entail accepting that person's decision to not be with you. Letting go is a form of release and acceptance for the way things are.

[EcstasyX6]

It sort of bothers me Angel - But you know the 47 yr old STBX changed SO dramatically overnight. In July we are in love, doing loving things, ... in August she wants out, found herself an 18 yr old BF, wants independence, and I am a stranger to her (she said she doesn't care if she never speaks to me or sees me again once the D is final) - Because of this I think it has pushed me so far and so fast (56 days ago she shocked me with the "I want out" talk) - that I sort of don't care much anymore. If I keep the cats now - well it is not what I want but so be it. I am a better person than that. Let's see:

 

~~~> (STBX) left me, her son, her house, & her cats for an 18 yr old

 

~~~> (Me) left behind to take care of the house, HER son, her cats. I generously packed all her stuff neatly for her to take away. I'm taking care of the D papers for her (us?). I'm actually defending her (call me stupid) when folks say she is a skank, a sl*t, a wh*re - that you deserve better than her, that she doesn't deserve U ... I tell them to lighten up - she is a decent person who is just currently in a VERY BAD place now with her MLC - which is destroying her M yes, but I don't attribute it to her being all these things people say she is.

 

THANKS all for your words of wisdom - no matter how different they may be I consider them ALL valuable and full of wisdom and experience.

 

PEACE.

 

Hi FL,

 

I've been reading many of your posts and wanting to respond to you for some time. First off, I believe that what your STBX wife did to you was awful, and I'm glad you've found support here at LS. I wish I could tell my STBXH about it, but I'm worried that he'll be able to identify me from the language in my posts. Hell, he's so internet savvy, he may be here already. Lol.

 

I don't know if you'll consider what I'm about to say wisdom or not, but it's just my opinion, and one that I haven't heard expressed before that may give you some insight. Obviously, I don't know your wife, but I think sadly that you may not have known her at all. She chose to show you one side of herself that got her what she wanted all those years, and accepted a life that was reasonably pleasant, but not the one she truly desired. The absolute way in which she left you says that. What woman drops everything and runs off with a lover(unless she's mentally ill), except one who believes she has finally found what she's been wanting all her life? Albeit, the fact that she chose to do this with an 18 y.o. is perplexing to me as a 44 y.o. woman, but , oh well, that's who she chose. If a woman truly LOVES a man, I don't believe she'll do that with such finality.

 

Some women are very capable of showing one side of themselves, and not expressing their feelings at all. I keep hearing men on this site say they never had a clue, were blindsided, and their ex never complained, and that's because some, not all women, are clearly very good at this because women like comfort as long as it suits them. I'm sure she loves her son, but figures he's old enough to take care of himself for the most part, and it's time for her to be 'happy'.

 

I offer these thoughts not because I'm on her side, but just to say that you did not know the person you were married to, and though you're in pain now, you're better off without her, and consider yourself lucky that you're still young enough, and look young enough, apparently, to go out and meet someone else. She may have not known herself either, and something was nagging at her, and for whatever reason, the answer seemed embodied in this 18 year old. I've heard people say, she'll be sorry, will have regrets, and will come begging back-maybe not. Maybe she'll dump the 18 year old and keep going with her debt and the few items she owns and that's that.

 

I don't know the answer of how to prevent this in the future. I always told my STBX what was troubling me, and for the life of me can't explain why some women don't communicate what they want. I'm sorry that she didn't tell you what was troubling you all those years...I'm glad I told my STBX because I wanted him to address my issues, but he didn't consistently, so I'm leaving with a sad heart, but knowing that he knows, why I'm leaving makes me feel confident in my decision.

 

My hope for you is that you'll be able to treasure the good memories that you had with her as a family, pets,holidays, kids and all, and find the strength to move forward and create new ones. Please don't invalidate the beauty of those past moments, but celebrate accept them for how meaning meaningful they were for you at the time.

[EcstasyX6]

Oh,

Sorry,I got way off topic...

 

My 2 cents...she should have been a big girl, and taken the cats too and made a clean break since she wanted it that way.

 

Don't feel guilty. I think you did the right thing.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - I've decided to take the cats back. She had a big blow-up with her Mom about them. She asked her son to tell me that if I take them back she will let me keep them forever. I can't do that to her. She loves (loved?) them and adores them. Whenever she moves on I will then let her take them back (again?). I still feel she is using me ... but I am the bigger person in this. I think she is in a very dark place right now. And it might get darker. She told her son that she is thinking of running away to another state and hiding and starting her life over. (so sad...)

I feel like talking to her and telling her that yes, I am moving on, and I think her moving out and leaving me is what had to happen, is what she had to do, that I see that now - But ALSO that right now if she needs a friend or needs support I am here. Any thoughts on that?

 

I'm thinking I may be her only advocate or support right now. I think she has nobody but her so-called friends who encouraged her to leave me in the first place - "Follow you heart". Of course they only heard her distorted description of the M. I know that whatever she told them may not be accurate or at least mostly inaccurate but if she believes it then it is her reality and is real. I don't think she would do anything drastic like hurt herself physically (or worse).

 

PEACE!

[hopesndreams]

I feel like talking to her and telling her that yes, I am moving on, and I think her moving out and leaving me is what had to happen, is what she had to do, that I see that now - But ALSO that right now if she needs a friend or needs support I am here. Any thoughts on that?

 

No, no and NO. She has had all the explanations and she knows where you stand already. You understand why she left you? C'mon! Don't give her that ego boost and put yourself down in the process. You are the man! You are great and fantastic and not a doormat. You're life goes on, with or without her. She needs to respect you, not look at you as a lovesick little boy who would be there for her no matter what sh*t she throws

your way.

 

She needs to seek you out, not the other way around. If you do decide to open up the lines of communication again, do it without expecting anything in return. That always works in getting the interest up.

[FeelingLonely98]

She needs to seek you out, not the other way around. If you do decide to open up the lines of communication again, do it without expecting anything in return. That always works in getting the interest up.

 

At this point I never expect to her to come home - I would not expect that I would get anything in return. I was all gung ho about continuing NC (something like day 29 now). But I am very worried about her - and I think she doesn't really have anybody right now. BUT, I hear you - I am probably not the person to be there for her now.

[Angel1111]

OK - I've decided to take the cats back. She had a big blow-up with her Mom about them. She asked her son to tell me that if I take them back she will let me keep them forever. I can't do that to her. She loves (loved?) them and adores them. Whenever she moves on I will then let her take them back (again?). I still feel she is using me ... but I am the bigger person in this. I think she is in a very dark place right now. And it might get darker. She told her son that she is thinking of running away to another state and hiding and starting her life over. (so sad...)

I feel like talking to her and telling her that yes, I am moving on, and I think her moving out and leaving me is what had to happen, is what she had to do, that I see that now - But ALSO that right now if she needs a friend or needs support I am here. Any thoughts on that?

 

I'm thinking I may be her only advocate or support right now. I think she has nobody but her so-called friends who encouraged her to leave me in the first place - "Follow you heart". Of course they only heard her distorted description of the M. I know that whatever she told them may not be accurate or at least mostly inaccurate but if she believes it then it is her reality and is real. I don't think she would do anything drastic like hurt herself physically (or worse).

 

PEACE!

 

I missed the part where you're supporting her.

 

Look, just leave the support stuff alone. She needs to find her own way. Treat her like a child and let her learn that there are consequeces to her behavior. That is the absolute best way to learn anything. When my son was in 9th grade, he decided he'd see what it was like to just stop doing well in school. His grades were pretty critical in terms of what college he went to so I wasn't happy when his math teacher called and said that he just decided not to take a test. I asked her if something was wrong - did he feel bad, etc. - and she said no that he just didn't want to take the test. She then told me that she'd give him another chance to make it up and I said, "No, I don't want you to do that. I want you to give him a big fat zero and let him learn what happens when he decides to not take a test." The teacher actually thanked me and my son never, ever pulled that stunt again.

 

My point is, if you constantly intervene with people when they're screwing up, they'll never get it. Intervening with people also looks suspiciously like control. Stop trying to cushion the blow for her at every turn; stop trying to protect her from herself - it's not going to change anything and it will only annoy her. As far as the cats are concerned, yes please take them back. They're little animals caught in the crossfire and they need to be in the home they're used to. And don't tell her that she can have them back - just thank her for the kitties and take them back. If she comes back someday asking for them back, see how you feel then.

[FeelingLonely98]

And don't tell her that she can have them back - just thank her for the kitties and take them back. If she comes back someday asking for them back, see how you feel then.

 

What is the point of that? Not arguing with you Angel ... just curious as to why you advocate not telling her that she can have them back.

Otherwise it seems again like I am weak??? or I am controlling???

[hopesndreams]

You can be there for her but don't do it in a wussy way.

 

At this point I never expect to her to come home - I would not expect that I would get anything in return.

 

When/if you open up the lines of communication again that is how she will understand it. How you conduct yourself after breaking NC, if that is what may happen, she needs to know, without you spelling it out for her, that you don't expect anything. No talking about the M, her toyboy, her this, her that, you doing this, you doing that...you understand?

 

Then what is there to talk about? Why break NC? You are worried about her and her well being. End of. It doesn't mean you throw hundred dollar bills her way to help her get her own place or stop by with boxes of food, you are there for when she hits rock bottom it doesn't mean you help her not reach rock bottom. Get it?

[Angel1111]

What is the point of that? Not arguing with you Angel ... just curious as to why you advocate not telling her that she can have them back.

Otherwise it seems again like I am weak??? or I am controlling???

 

Because it puts you in a holding pattern and makes you feel like you're just a part-time nanny for her cats. So that means that your ex will always 'be there' in a sense because the pet issue isn't resolved. And you will feel used - as anyone would. You will be buying food, cleaning litter boxes, buying supplies, and everything else for pets that aren't yours. You do realize that this could go on for years, right? With her not having a place to live or not knowing when she wants the cats back. Or she'll date someone who hates cats and then you're at her mercy once again. If you take the kitties back on those terms, it's just going to end up pissing you off.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Angel1111

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

The cats are in your shoes. You feel abandoned and so do they. But they are getting it from you and her. Yes they make messes, I should know, my first job every morning is scooping 4 cat boxes, I also have to watch my step, for fresh hair balls. For that I get love, they love me, and my GF loves me even more because the cats love me.

 

You are not being a doormat if you can find it in your heart to take them back. By taking them in, it shows you are being a better man. Remember that are creatures of God. Also, don't forget the karma.

 

Someday in the future you are going to be ready to start dating, and for some reason most women like cats. Big points for you to have a couple at home.

 

When the day comes that she wants them back, it will be your choice.

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks shb, Angel, and gallon. I'm thinking of going the "I will take them back" route, all the while with me knowing that I will probably give 'em back IF she ever moves into an apt. BUT, I probably won't tell her this. Just tell her I'll take 'em. Best for me because like Angel1111 said she may never be ready to take 'em back. Or it could be years ... Excellent advice my LS friends.

Hmm, most women like cats ... :-)

(good to know)

[Angel1111]

FL98

 

The cats are in your shoes. You feel abandoned and so do they. But they are getting it from you and her. Yes they make messes, I should know, my first job every morning is scooping 4 cat boxes, I also have to watch my step, for fresh hair balls. For that I get love, they love me, and my GF loves me even more because the cats love me.

 

Someday in the future you are going to be ready to start dating, and for some reason most women like cats. Big points for you to have a couple at home.

 

Actually, I used to really dislike cats. But when my son was small he really wanted a cat and because they're so easy to take care of, I was happy to get him one. It turned out that I started to really like kitties. I think I will always prefer dogs to cats because dogs are so friendly, but there's something quite awesome about cats - their hunting abilities and how beautiful they are when they're sleeping. They kind of make a house a home. I don't have a dog right now because they are a huge responsibility and I'm just not up for it right now.

 

Something I do that makes my life a LOT easier is that my kitties don't have a litter box. They have a kitty door and they poop outside. Now they do enjoy occasionally bringing in a captured bird but that's minimal compared to dealing with litter boxes. Just a thought for you. I know some people don't let their cats out but mine go in and out as they please. They're very happy and very spoiled.

[Angel1111]

Thanks shb, Angel, and gallon. I'm thinking of going the "I will take them back" route, all the while with me knowing that I will probably give 'em back IF she ever moves into an apt. BUT, I probably won't tell her this. Just tell her I'll take 'em. Best for me because like Angel1111 said she may never be ready to take 'em back. Or it could be years ... Excellent advice my LS friends.

Hmm, most women like cats ... :-)

(good to know)

 

That's what I would do. Just consider them yours. If she ever says that she wants them back, then give them to her if that's what you want to do at the time.

 

You know, I do like it when men like cats - although it's not a dealbreaker if they don't, as long as they tolerate them without complaining about it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Actually I began as a dog man, but with the help of several ladies have learned to like cats. It is a distinct advantage in the beginning of a relationship to be able to respond to her cat.

 

I wish we could let them go outside, I know they would prefer it, as two of them were outside cats before we moved. But we also have coyotes roaming around, and we have bunnies (GF talk for rabbits) that ocassionally nest under the laundry room. It would not be good for the GF should one of our cats to bring in a baby bunny.