Angel1111 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Actually I began as a dog man, but with the help of several ladies have learned to like cats. It is a distinct advantage in the beginning of a relationship to be able to respond to her cat. I wish we could let them go outside, I know they would prefer it, as two of them were outside cats before we moved. But we also have coyotes roaming around, and we have bunnies (GF talk for rabbits) that ocassionally nest under the laundry room. It would not be good for the GF should one of our cats to bring in a baby bunny. I have discussed this with my kitties as to why they need to kill every moving thing, to no avail of course. The bunnies around your house would probably stop living there if the cats were outside but, yeah, the coyottes would be a big problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 I can't do the outdoor thing because I frequently work out of town for a few days. For that same reason I can't get a dog. I'll have to set up an auto feeder and waterer for the cat I will eventually get after my step-son moves out - if he ever does. For now with the STBXW's cats he will feed 'em when I am gone. If he leaves and THESE cats stay permanently then I will also do something similar with auto feeders / waterers. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyTiger Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 OK - I've decided to take the cats back. She had a big blow-up with her Mom about them. She asked her son to tell me that if I take them back she will let me keep them forever. I can't do that to her. She loves (loved?) them and adores them. Whenever she moves on I will then let her take them back (again?). I still feel she is using me ... but I am the bigger person in this. I think she is in a very dark place right now. And it might get darker. She told her son that she is thinking of running away to another state and hiding and starting her life over. (so sad...) I feel like talking to her and telling her that yes, I am moving on, and I think her moving out and leaving me is what had to happen, is what she had to do, that I see that now - But ALSO that right now if she needs a friend or needs support I am here. Any thoughts on that? I'm thinking I may be her only advocate or support right now. I think she has nobody but her so-called friends who encouraged her to leave me in the first place - "Follow you heart". Of course they only heard her distorted description of the M. I know that whatever she told them may not be accurate or at least mostly inaccurate but if she believes it then it is her reality and is real. I don't think she would do anything drastic like hurt herself physically (or worse). PEACE! FL98 - Your STBXW does not 'love' the cats, any more than she currently loves you. People do not walk away from things that they really love. You say she will 'let you keep them', which not only suggests that she is still in control but also that you actually do want to keep the cats. In which case you really should keep them - not for her but for you. Forget what she needs right now. You will never get over her if you continue to focus on her needs and wants. Remember cats are territorial too - they want to stay with you in the house that they know and she deserted them months ago! This might sound really harsh but you MUST start putting yourself first. Of course she's having a bad time but remember it's what she chose and she will sort it out in whatever way is right for her. She doesn't want you to be a part of that. You say you feel like talking to her and telling her that you are moving on and her leaving you is what had to happen. That you are ready to be her friend. Is that honestly true? Are you moving on and do you believe that she did the right thing for both of you? I believe it is possible to be friends with an ex BUT, and it's a big BUT .... you must first BOTH be FULLY healed. You need to go through the entire grieving process, however long that may take, and it's different for everybody. You cannot offer true friendship to a woman you are still in love with and still want to be married to, a woman that you are still angry with and haven't forgiven. Work through what has happened, make sense of it in whatever way you can. Love yourself enough to put yourself first. That means staying away from your STBXW until you genuinely no longer care if she wants to come back. Friendship, like marriage, is built on respect, trust and mutual caring. It is way to soon for that here. You are still arguing about custody of your cats, that must tell you something surely? Get the cats back and keep them. Then stay NC. I know how hard it is but you are still reaching out to her believing that she is the only person who can meet your needs. One day you will see that this isn't true and you will kick yourself for the time you wasted. Let her go and make her own mistakes. She is no longer your responsibility, however much you may love her. Please start to look after yourself. You cannot begin to heal until you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks LT. Very in my face but probably oh so true... I take it you are an animal lover? You say you feel like talking to her and telling her that you are moving on and her leaving you is what had to happen. That you are ready to be her friend. Is that honestly true? No, not really ... but I was thinking of telling her that so she can maybe feel better. She is falling down towards rock bottom. Someone (I think Angel1111) said I should not try to stop her from getting to rock bottom. Maybe if she reached rock bottom then I may consider helping her. IDK - Just trying to do what's best - for ME and for HER. It's so hard - so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Thanks LT. Very in my face but probably oh so true... No, not really ... but I was thinking of telling her that so she can maybe feel better. She is falling down towards rock bottom. Someone (I think Angel1111) said I should not try to stop her from getting to rock bottom. Maybe if she reached rock bottom then I may consider helping her. IDK - Just trying to do what's best - for ME and for HER. It's so hard - so hard. LT said everything many others here have been saying over and over. Trying to do what's best for her doesn't even need to be a blip on your radar anymore because it's pointless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 LT said everything many others here have been saying over and over. Trying to do what's best for her doesn't even need to be a blip on your radar anymore because it's pointless. OK - I'll get the cats tonight after work and not tell her she if she can or can not have them back later. JUST tell her I'll take them. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 OK - I'll get the cats tonight after work and not tell her she if she can or can not have them back later. JUST tell her I'll take them. Great! You might want to even thank her for giving you the cats, that way she doesn't go on thinking that you have this open-door policy. If she ever really wants them back, I'm sure she won't have any trouble expressing that to you. Now if you really want to shake her up, walk in with a big smile on your face, hug the kitties, and very cheerfully ask her how she is and then, no matter what she says in response to that question, just have some upbeat comment and then say, "Well, I've gotta run. See ya!" And leave. No sad looks, no trying to take care of her and her self-made problems. Nothing. What you want her to see is a single, happy guy who can live without her. It'll put her ego in its place. You may think this is all game-playing but really it's good policy to just come across as happy in a lot of circumstances. You'll attract more positive things to yourself. And you'll leave her guessing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Share Posted December 8, 2009 I'll do my damndest to stick to the script!!! I know that is the best approach ... After I take them I am going to have a few beers with LS member FloridaPad. He can let you all know if I F'd up!! :-) JK TY for your advice / concern. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I'll do my damndest to stick to the script!!! I know that is the best approach ... After I take them I am going to have a few beers with LS member FloridaPad. He can let you all know if I F'd up!! :-) JK TY for your advice / concern. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 Update: OK, she came by to drop off the cats. Initially I told her I would go to her Mom's and pick them up - just to be helpful. She said NO. That she and her Mom were not really speaking now and I should not go there. I told her SURE, you come here then. (She is always right! Whatever she wants...) I did say that I was glad to have the cats back and that I missed them and that I don't ever want them to leave again. She brought them in and when she came in I am sure she saw the Christmas tree was up and decorated. We had lots of other decorations all around the house that she usually displayed. This year my sons and I did it. I told her we had a great time doing it and that I'm quite happy. Also, told her all is well, and that us moving on and going our separate ways was for the best and had to happen. (I don't think I had a "weak" moment ... 'til maybe the end.) Before I went in to the house I gave her a quick little hug, the kind you give your sister maybe. (oops) I hope she saw me as doing fine and being happy. (Even though I'm not) (Damn! I still love her ... WHY?) Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I just read the first post. What is the big deal? Just take care of the cats for a few months and then give them to her. If she doesn't take them, then you'll get your cats. If she does take them, then you got to enjoy their company for the time and you can get your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 I just read the first post. What is the big deal? Just take care of the cats for a few months and then give them to her. If she doesn't take them, then you'll get your cats. If she does take them, then you got to enjoy their company for the time and you can get your own. I guess It's no big deal ... I didn't know. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I guess It's no big deal ... I didn't know. Thanks! People here complicate everything. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyTiger Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 People here complicate everything. Life is complicated sometimes Ariadne because people have emotions! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Life is complicated sometimes Ariadne because people have emotions! Everyone has emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 FL98 You did right by the cats. Here is a formula you have to memorize while trying to deal with her. The more you care, the less she cares. I'm sure she saw the decorations, she got the message that you're moving on. Telling her that you are doing OK, puts you back to square one Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyTiger Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Update: OK, she came by to drop off the cats. Initially I told her I would go to her Mom's and pick them up - just to be helpful. She said NO. That she and her Mom were not really speaking now and I should not go there. I told her SURE, you come here then. (She is always right! Whatever she wants...) I did say that I was glad to have the cats back and that I missed them and that I don't ever want them to leave again. She brought them in and when she came in I am sure she saw the Christmas tree was up and decorated. We had lots of other decorations all around the house that she usually displayed. This year my sons and I did it. I told her we had a great time doing it and that I'm quite happy. Also, told her all is well, and that us moving on and going our separate ways was for the best and had to happen. (I don't think I had a "weak" moment ... 'til maybe the end.) Before I went in to the house I gave her a quick little hug, the kind you give your sister maybe. (oops) I hope she saw me as doing fine and being happy. (Even though I'm not) (Damn! I still love her ... WHY?) Well done FL98, you didn't get emotional with her and that's a very good start. She also had the opportunity to see that your life will go on without her and even though you don't actually believe what you told her (that going your separate ways was for the best) you have taken the pressure off and stopped looking so needy. Needy men are not attractive! I'm glad you got the cats back, they will be happier with you - yes I am an animal lover! I have two cats that I completely adore and I would NEVER leave them - you would have to drag me out of the house kicking and screaming to separate me from them. Sounds dramatic maybe but I'm just trying to illustrate the difference between your STBXW and somebody who loves their pets. I also think having them around will help you to get through the tough times. My cats were my saving grace and definitely helped to take the edge of my loneliness. Of course you still love her - you may find that you always do, but that doesn't mean you can't focus on yourself and move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyTiger Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Everyone has emotions. Just pointing out that your posts come from a very rational and pragmatic viewpoint. FL98 is struggling with the emotional implications of what is happening in his life - it's not just about where the cats should live. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Just pointing out that your posts come from a very rational and pragmatic viewpoint. FL98 is struggling with the emotional implications of what is happening in his life - it's not just about where the cats should live. FL98 was just fine and open to helping her, until he read all the ignorance from this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
LonelyTiger Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 FL98 was just fine and open to helping her, until he read all the ignorance from this forum. If you were fully aware of FL98s story you would know that his being 'open to helping her' is the last thing he needs right now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 FL98 was just fine and open to helping her, until he read all the ignorance from this forum. If you were fully aware of FL98s story you would know that his being 'open to helping her' is the last thing he needs right now! Thanks LT. It really IS way more than where the cats will live. It is about two human beings that are really struggling, about emotions, about heartbreak, about life, ... Uh, and I don't think folks here complicate things, I believe they are trying to help others including me. I could never log in to LS for the rest of my life and be just fine. BUT, for a while there LS sort of saved me. I wish I was as strong and cold as you Ariadne - I would have less of this pain in my heart that's for sure. Actually, I'm glad I am the way I am. I wouldn't want to be like you or TaraMaiden where feelings or emotions are minimized and you just "Move On" quickly. Because of how I am I will eventually look back on my 16 years with my wonderful W (yes, I still believe THAT person is inside of her!) - I will look back upon it with better memories. PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 FL98 was just fine and open to helping her, until he read all the ignorance from this forum. Actually, he wasn't fine - he said that he was feeling used. And he was being used. The cat situation was just another way for her to continue the drama in his life and to keep the wound open. Knowing her, she would go back and forth about the cats for more than just a few months (because a few months has already gone by) and he's spending money and time taking care of them, in a holding pattern waiting for HER to decide what she's going to do while she's screwing around with an 18-yr-old. She treats FL98 with total disrespect and it needs to stop - the cats were a good place to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Update: OK, she came by to drop off the cats. Initially I told her I would go to her Mom's and pick them up - just to be helpful. She said NO. That she and her Mom were not really speaking now and I should not go there. I told her SURE, you come here then. (She is always right! Whatever she wants...) I did say that I was glad to have the cats back and that I missed them and that I don't ever want them to leave again. She brought them in and when she came in I am sure she saw the Christmas tree was up and decorated. We had lots of other decorations all around the house that she usually displayed. This year my sons and I did it. I told her we had a great time doing it and that I'm quite happy. Also, told her all is well, and that us moving on and going our separate ways was for the best and had to happen. (I don't think I had a "weak" moment ... 'til maybe the end.) Before I went in to the house I gave her a quick little hug, the kind you give your sister maybe. (oops) I hope she saw me as doing fine and being happy. (Even though I'm not) (Damn! I still love her ... WHY?) Who knows why we love anybody? It will stop hurting, FL98. It will. And, yes, the good stuff is what you'll remember. Well, I think overall you did great. And I'm glad she brought them over - it's what she should've done to start with. Plus it was good for her to see that you and the kids are moving on without her. I'm sure she went home and bawled last night because she likes it better when you're begging and pleading with her. This one probably threw her for a loop. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 I wish I was as strong and cold as you Ariadne - I would have less of this pain in my heart that's for sure. Actually, I'm glad I am the way I am. I wouldn't want to be like you or TaraMaiden where feelings or emotions are minimized and you just "Move On" quickly. What does that have to do with you sending the cats back where you knew she couldn't have them? Aren't you back at square one now? Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 he said that he was feeling used. And he was being used. The cat situation was just another way for her to continue the drama... (And here is the ignorance again). Link to post Share on other sites
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