It ends with silence, brilliant!

[WTRanger]

Its finally over, and it absolute silence to boot. This is by far the worst way to end things I have ever expereinced. It almost makes me want to call up the old ex's and at least thank them for having the ovaries to at least talk/argue with me. Even the one relationship that ended in a horrific fight was easier to deal with that this. When we as humans are left up to our own devices to "guess" we instinctively guess hyper-negative and keep inflicting ourselves with self created pain. I decided I had enough.

 

For the last 5 weeks she has decided to ignore everything. Even the most basic and direct questions. Last night I finally "got it" and ended it. I decided that matching her silence with my silence was spineless. I wasn't going to take the silent coward's way like she has. So I sent her a simple message that told her that I absolutely hate being ignored and that I see the situation for what it is. I kept it civil, despite being pissed off. I knew that low blows and name calling wasn't the way to go, even though I really wanted to go that route. I didn't beg for her back, I didn't assume how she feels or thinks, and I just simply stated I enjoyed the time I spent with her and wished her the best in the future. Signed my name and that was it. I didn't draft, and re-draft this thing. I wrote it completely on emotion. Now its over for me, and I can finally get on to real healing instead of healing yet holding onto hope. Hope does indeed die last, and it died for me last night.

 

I've been all over the emotional range with this particular girl all year, so right now it feels like a weight lifted off my chest. I really don't consider this a failure either. It would only be a failure if i didn't learn anything from this. Believe me, I've learned a lot about myself and other people. I've learned a LOT of red flags that I need to pay attention to in the future.

 

My advice for anyone out there. Just talk. Just do it. It's no where near as hard as not saying anything. Don't just think of yourself, think of the other person. Sure ignoring someone is easy for you now, and hard for them now but that will always reverse itself at some point in the future. At least respect them enough to tell them the truth. Don't let things die in silence.

 

Nothing is really solved, well I've solved everything that I can solve. But her? The bury your head in the sand, silent run-away method always, ALWAYS leaves skeletons in your closet that will never be removed until you DEAL with it. Even though I've deleted every way to contact her, I just have this gut feeling she'll come back months down the road. I just know it. This just feels like one of those where the other person always comes back. Usually in the same cowardly way they left.

[angelface78]

I know how you feel. my ex never wanted to communicate with me. Our break up was over a cup. In other words he picked a dumb figh to say it was over. I left his house and that was it. That was the end of 5 years and our engagement. Over a dumb drink. 3 months of NC..and i finally broke it. I called him because the silence was killing me. He was shocked and i could hear his voice cracking but still he said very little and wouldnt answer my questions. Some people are cowards. They dont know how to deal with their emotions perhaps out of fear of appearing foolish. Its like they are emotionally unevolved. Sometimes talking things out and being the bigger person may seem like a weakness..but i think it is a strength. Its not easy to put your emotions out there, to pick up the phone with fear of being rejected and still go through with it. When you love someone you put your pride aside. Im happy to say i did all i could. At least i will have no regretts just like i think you wont either. These people will have to live with the fact that they never said what they really felt. Its ok though....i guess their silence was enough to let us know how they really felt.

[symbol]

My ex behaved in a similar way. For weeks he screened my calls and didn't pick up and talk unless I called 10 times in a row. He claimed to be away from phone or too busy... Several times I tried to make him start "the talk" but he prefered to stay silent and ignore me. As if, ignoring me would make me leave him alone just like that after 7.5 years. Finally, when I pushed him really hard to tell me if it was over or not, he said yes.

 

He was a real coward and apparently there are other who behave in similar ways. For months I couldn't forgive him for the way he broke up with me. I had to get over the way he broke up with me in addition to the fact that he broke up with me. Eventually you'll be happy she behaved this way because it will be easier for you to see that she's not perfect...

 

Mine did not come back since we broke up, which was 4 years ago. But he's checking out my web page every few weeks. Don't think he has the guts to email me or anything. Apparently he's still the same coward...

[NopeNah]

I got a call last night..and..My ex got an ear full of Patron "talk" last night. She needs to know what she is and how she treats people. It's not her world! That's why she has NO real friends. I'm for sure not going to be there for her EVER! I did however wish her well and to lose my number, as I have nothing left to say to her, since all she spews are lies that suit her for the moment.

[WTRanger]

At least I know I'm not alone. This whole situation is really hard to wrap my thoughts around. I can tell you, it feels as if I'm on a swing. Half the time I think what I did was right, half the time I feel like I want to reach out one last time. I know it gets better with time and the best thing to do is not contact her. I cannot believe, though I guess I should start to, that people act this way. I mean grown freakin' adults!

 

Its just such a waste to end like this. But I have to accept it. There's nothing I can do to get her to open up. Like I said, of all the ended relationships this one is by far the worst. Even though it was the shortest, the way it ended is the worst. I feel really guilty like I did something to cause this, but I have to constantly kick that thought out of my head. I did everything I could to try to at least get her to talk, even times throwing my pride out on the ground to get stomped on. Still nothing.

 

They say silence is deafening and they aren't kidding. I doubt she'll come back in that way, but like Symbol pointed out. They'll stalk you or randomly add you on Facebook like nothing ever happened. Somehow they convince themselves that not saying anything was the best way to go. I wish I had that kind of mental power!

 

Yes, one shocker in the start that I know to keep an eye on in the future was that this girl really didn't have any real friends. Friends you can count on to be there when you need them. Her friends always seemed to be "busy" when she needed them, so she relies on new people (ie me) all of the time. I know it now that her friends are simply doing what she does to them. Why should they be there for her when they know she'll run away when they need her?

 

That and the constant soap-boxing about how she's a good person who only gets screwed over by life because she's always there for people. Or the 15 minute rant about how she's not a liar. Next person I see doing that, I'll know that they will turn out to be exactly the opposite of what they are claiming to be. But when she was doing that, I was with her and was just happy to be around her. She was one of those few people that you really just click with. Face to face we'd probably still be together. But I lost my job and had to move many states away and once it stopped becoming a relationship of convenience for her and she had to put in real effort, that's when it started to take a dive.

 

Its really sad to not have her in my life. But, things don't always work out the way we hope for them to and I'll live to see the morning tomorrow.

[WTRanger]

Sometimes talking things out and being the bigger person may seem like a weakness..but i think it is a strength. Its not easy to put your emotions out there, to pick up the phone with fear of being rejected and still go through with it. When you love someone you put your pride aside.

 

You are absolutely right, it is a strength. Its much easier to run away than to face things. It just sucks that this trait in people comes out at the worst possible time. To outside observers it seems so simple, but for those of us who have gone through it. It is beyond complicated.

[ADF]

This is by far the worst way to end things I have ever expereinced. It almost makes me want to call up the old ex's and at least thank them for having the ovaries to at least talk/argue with me.

 

Amen. People who just give you the silent treatment are cowardly peices of trash. They just don't give a damn and want to save themselves the trouble of dealing with your reaction. Nuts to them.

[Exit]

I'm in a bit of a rush right now, heading out tonight and just took too much time posting my own thread, so I didn't read everything but I think I get the idea about what's happening to you and I wanted to reply, and I agree that it sucks and it's the most cowardly way for an ex to deal with things. My ex still talked to me and discussed our relationship for a few months, and then out of nowhere, with no "it's time to stop talking, go our own ways", she just STOPPED, complete silence. Refused to give me closure, I told her I was ready to meet someone new and would appreciate being able to drop all the baggage she left me holding, but no. I'd send her texts begging for a ONE WORD response that just said "Yes" I want to stop talking to you, she couldn't even press the three buttons it would have required to do that just to let me know.

 

People who don't have the backbone to communicate like adults are not worth the trouble. Not only are they running from a confrontation with you, they are also running from their own responsibility to confront how they feel about things, and they can't even be bothered to have a discussion about it. People can't run forever and one day they'll crack and WISH they had someone to talk to.

 

I know it sucks, it only makes you want answers more.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Exit

[angelface78]

Really what are they afraid of?? Of the confrontation? Of appearing weak and foolish? Of hurting our feelings?? Of feeling guilty?? Of getting emotional??? Of hearing the truth about themselves??

 

I think its a lot of these.

[wondering_girl]

hi WTRanger - do you remember me? you wrote in my forum before - maybe a couple of weeks back when you were telling me you got the silent treatment too? and was in the process of trying to talk with her...... i'm sorry things ended this way for you, i don't know if this will make you feel better but my ex-bf did the same thing for me, ended things in silence....... it's been 2 months since our ISSUE and here i am trying to heal i guess everyday is different - sometimes i'm up sometimes i'm down (seriously - after 4 years and what we went through and he was one of my good friends before this, WTF, but you know what - that's FINE).

 

reading your posts started to make me cry and it described to the point of what i truly feel - you wrote her an email right? i wrote him an email too, put all my pride aside, put everything out there, still i get NOTHING. i guess it was foolish of me to think that he was gonna actually respond since i was having hopes for a while but i guess he's that cruel of a person....... this is the worst way ever that i have experienced to end things and he was my first true love i guess cause i have never ever felt HURT like this before.....

 

just like you said, the SWING with trying to reach out there one last time, i was there too - sometimes i feel like i'm doing the right thing or not..... because ya know, we were actually IN-LOVE with this person and we respect them, but it seems like they didn't respect us enough to even say anything - excuse me, let me tell you, i wrote him that e-mail and then he texted and asked me to go to a party (ok, you ignored that e-mail) and called, well you know what? i didn't even pick up or texted back..... it's been WAYYY too long and if he's not going to speak, he's useless to me. i miss him though and i'm very heartbroken about the situation......... ughh like you said the time thing will help..

 

i agree that i learned a whole lot with this experience too - it seems like the next person i date i would like to "piss them off" to see if they're gonna go silent on me and if that's the case i'll run as fast as i can.....

 

just wanted to let you know i'm here for you and you're not alone i'm hurting with you as well

[WTRanger]

Well, this behavior isn't something that they figured out they would try on a whim. This is learned from childhood, usually from a parent. The truly sad part is, they don't see themselves doing it. I think that's why when they are confronted they have the, "Who me?" look in their eyes. They'll never really experience the pain of this becuase they are always seeking out the opposite people. So two runners will never get together, its always a runner and a normal person. To top it off, they'll always be the first to run away.

 

I really, reeeeeeeaaaallllly just want to insult her, say call her a smelly c*nt and see if she responds. Then respond with, "Oh, I see insulting you is a way to get you to talk but being honest isn't?" But, I won't. I've done all I can do.

[WTRanger]

i agree that i learned a whole lot with this experience too - it seems like the next person i date i would like to "piss them off" to see if they're gonna go silent on me and if that's the case i'll run as fast as i can.....

 

Actually, if you look back at your time with him, there probably were many red flags that they would do this. I know in my case there were. But, as with most people, I thought it would be different. In fact I thought, maybe foolishly, that we'd never get to that point. I also know that hindsight is really 20/20. I know now what to look for.

 

I'm only in my late 20's but I've never dealt with someone like this. Its just beyond my comprehension. The best thing I can do is move on with my life. Stop dwelling in the negatives and see the positive in the situation. And I can guarantee you there is a positive in there, somewhere. Everything is auspicious and everything happens for a good reason. If it wasn't this little crisis, then surely it would be something else. We all get hurt in our life, what defines us is how we deal with it. I know that not everyone deals with things the way I do, I really know that now.

 

Still, it doesn't make this any easier to understand. I get it, but I don't. And how hard is it to type, "F-You! Leave me the F alone!"? But nope, being beaten senseless with the silent stick it is. After a nasty argument is easy to deal with, but this almost makes you want to lose trust in anyone you meet in the future.

Edited October 22, 2009 by WTRanger

[mendsley]

I really, reeeeeeeaaaallllly just want to insult her, say call her a smelly c*nt and see if she responds. Then respond with, "Oh, I see insulting you is a way to get you to talk but being honest isn't?" But, I won't. I've done all I can do.

 

That is freakin hilarious I am sorry you are dealing with this crap. I guess i'm lucky because I found out why she left me, for another man, and she could'nt give me a silent treatment. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I can't. Hang in there and keep the cünt calling to this post

[wondering_girl]

hi WTRanger, in the matter of 4 years - yes there were many red flags, everytime something wasn't done right esp it would be something petty or something didn't go his way the silent treatment was pulled some examples just to make you laugh: one time we went to dinner and i didn't bring a jacket and it was kinda chilly he got mad and was quiet the whole time WTH! another time, he didn't talk to me for a week and a half during my finals during grad school (when i was all stressed out) and then re-appeared during graduation and said "hey hunnie whats up?" ummmm.. i can clearly remember me crying in the tub because he hasn't called me all week and when i called him he sounded angry.... need i say more? but like YOU said i overlooked this because we cared for them!!!

 

just like you, sometimes i get it, sometimes i don't.. i'm mad, sad, but i guess it's part of the process, blah i would think after 4 years he would've said something but i guess it's better this way... i'm in my late 20's too and he is as well so wth we're not kids, can you actually picture how life would be when they had a bad day and didn't wanna talk.. what now they're just gonna come in and not say anything when you live together? that's SICK. at least say i need sometime can't be with you right now... ugh

 

so she DID NOT answer your e-mail as well?

[WTRanger]

so she DID NOT answer your e-mail as well?

 

Nope. Not one peep. She's the type if she doesn't respond within a certain amount of time, forget it. But as hard as it is, that's her answer. I have to accept that and move on.

 

I just feel like I'm at the UN in the middle of an argument and I don't have my little translator headset on so I can't understand a damn word anyone is saying. I'm just standing there dumbfounded.

 

Its how these people act. I've been doing a lot of reading about people who run away from problems and most of them, eventually see that its a futile form of exercise. One person likened it to running away from a tree. When you return, that tree is still going to be there.

[angelface78]

They are scared little mice. They are afraid of dialogue. My ex never wanted to talk after a fight. He would just pretend like nothing happened the next day. I would apologize for my part and try to talk about it but he would just say "i dont want to talk about it" I truly believe this was the demise of our relationship. So many unresolved problems. It got to the point that we couldnt even begin to undo all the knots. He opted to run. I was willing to try ...i wouldve gone till the end with him. All he had to do was put some effort i wouldve done the rest. Sadly he was to weak and lazy. Someday he will be in my shoes and try really hard and have someone else run from him. If not he will spend his life running forever. From relationship to relationship. A transient and nothing more. Thats why he doesnt have any friends. What a miserable way to live.

[WTRanger]

That's true. Part of this is I think we have to accept that we cannot fix these individuals. A lot of them are really aware of what they are doing and they know its not right, but they don't know any other way.

 

But this time around its not about them. Its about us. I'm using NC this time for ME. I'm not going to use it as a tool for her to miss me, I'm using it as a tool for me and me only.

 

I whole heartedly agree with you. If they just put in 1/2 the effort they use to run away, we could have gone so much farther.

[wondering_girl]

hey angelface my ex is the same way no problems were ever talked about when he was ready - it's like oh hey babe... umm? you just ignored me for like a week? WTH was wrong? bad day, bad mood?

 

i agree with both of you, if they only put 1/2 the effort we wouldn't have ended up like this... just like you, i was going to be there with him until the end and i told him that on the e-mail, but did hear anything from him? nope, NOTHING - absolute silence....... he's tried to call to ask me to go to a party? excuse me, you were just ignoring me (unless he texts or calls to say he's ready to talk - in which i don't think he will EVER DO) it's so unlike him never will i wanna talk to him......

 

it's just the hardest PILL to swallow after 4 years, but just like you guys said we have to accept that i cannot fix him and that if he's not going to talk it's useless.........

[angelface78]

Yup they know what theyre doing is wrong but too cowardly to do anything about it. Wondering girl...thats how my ex was we would have a big blow out and then the next day 'Do you want to go get breakfast" WTF??? Its crazy. Im glad you didnt reply to his invite. WT Ranger...thats good that you are using NC for YOU this time. Thats what im doing. Today is my first day of full NC. I was in NC for 3 months but still looking at his myspace. I then broke NC and called him only to get silence on the other end. It wasnt worth it. Now NC is for ME! Today is day 15 NC since i called and day 1 of FULL NC without looking at his myspace. Still it hurts 5 years down the drain..oh well! Someday we will be glad these people left. Totally not worth all the effort we put in.

[WTRanger]

I'm on day 1 as well of NC for me. I've deleted every way to get a hold of her. Even google talk, everything. There is no more need for me to see if she's online anymore. It won't help the healing process. Just stay strong and stay away. It's way too soon to find information that you won't be able to handle. Don't snoop around or anything. Its hard to do as we are natural curious creatures and add in the confusing silence we want to seek answers for what we do not know. Believe me, there's nothing you will discover that will aid in your healing.

[angelface78]

I know everybody on here repremanded me already...lol! Yesterday i did my snooping and saw that his new girl had changed her myspace status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. His still said SINGLE but i know only a matter of time till he changes it. I got all shaky and depressed. Thats when i decided to go full NC for ME! I cant be looking at all that crap anymore. It keeps me in a rut! I agree with you though we are only snooping around trying to fill in the silence these people left. Trying to find answers to all the questions they left us with. Yay DAY 1 NC....WE CAN DO IT!!!

[wondering_girl]

hi angelface, i'm sorry gosh you guys were engaged too, i'm sorry man seriously WTF right..... i know, it STILL HURTS.. but i'm trying my hardest to believe that they said time will cure, i HOPE so, i can't wait til i finally wake up one day and not hurt anymore....... it still hurts to wake up and to know that day i won't hear from him or what not (i know he was a jerk by breaking things off like this) but i can't help it that i still love him, and i guess despite the fact that he did that - i still do, its weird u know they have saying just imagine how much you fall in love with the wrong person - imagine when you fall in love with the right one....

 

as far as my days with NC it's been about 2 1/2 weeks, and it is true, it does get better but he appeared last weekend but i didn't respond..... i hope it gets better from here, still have moments though...... some days are good, some days are bad.. yah girl, stop checking the myspace stuff... don't worry about him anymore. i know easier said than done

 

thanks for listening WTRanger and angel... let's ride this boat and it's about to get rocky as hell, but eventually it will stop...

 

*HUGS*

[WTRanger]

Jeez-ow! I barely, barely made it through day 2 without wanting to contact her one more "final" time. I thought that if I said this, or did it this way or worded it that way, then maybe she'll open up. I fought that thought all day. One second I thought, "What could I lose?" the next was "If she hasn't responded by now, then why in God's name would I think she'll respond today?"

 

In the end, I didn't contact her. I feel stronger knowing that I can do this. It came down to she knows how to get a hold of me. She hasn't responded yet, so there's no way she'd respond today.

 

Its still really hard. But I looked at it this way, I called her on her ignoring me. I saw it, I said something about it, she still chooses not to respond. If that's not a good sign that its over, then I need to get my head checked. It feels as if I have failed, but I haven't. It feels that way because I don't have a real answer from her in this case. All our lives we are taught that we cannot solve an equation with zero input on one of the sides. Yet, in reality we can. We can solve it with zero input.

 

Why are we so intent on sitting in our little row boats with only our oar in the water? Why are we making ourselves sick by rowing in circles patiently waiting and hoping that these other people will finally see us and drop their oar in the water and finally get us out of our circle? Why can't we just see it for what it is and just jump out of the boat? We all know we can swim, and swim to shore we must. Even if shore seems miles away, we'll make it. Even if we feel tired, our own personal "lifeguards" will help us when we need them.

 

So I jumped out of my little boat and I'm on my way to the shore. I'm tired of rowing in circles with this crazy lady.

[wondering_girl]

hey WTRANGER,

 

i know how ya feel, i clearly remember when you posted on my thread and you said you called her out on her behavior..... well, that's the same exact thing i did.. and he's GONE....... yup, the thoughts on what if i worded this and that i was just like that, and after a month of our "silent dinner" i replayed and replayed what i had said during the dinner... but trust me, after a while it fades, now i beat up myself with what i said with dinner now i beat myself with the last e-mail that i sent him.... but i think that's the last thing i'm going to send

 

i agree when you said this:

In the end, I didn't contact her. I feel stronger knowing that I can do this. It came down to she knows how to get a hold of me. She hasn't responded yet, so there's no way she'd respond today.

 

-yup, she exactly does and if she wants to, SHE WILL.. and i know how HARD it is, because if you think about it, they never really said or ended anything you know, if we only had a headset that will help us understand what they mean.. that's the HARDEST PART with me, he never really said so i can't help to WONDER if he comes back but as days pass by, like you, i would really need to get my head checked because i would be STUPID to think that he still wants anything to do with me.....

 

one of the hard things is that dang - i just told you, that you hurt me by ignoring me and you ran as fast as you can? i told you you were wrong for doing that and that was it... still can't GET OVER IT... but we're gonna have to..

 

as days pass by hopefully, we'll get closer to shore, WTRanger, it's not NICE that we're going through this but its NICE to know i'm not alone..... thanks for listening.

 

quick question though, what if SHE comes around, what would you do? i made up my mind bc he did try to contact to go somewhere last weekend but unless he says he's ready to talk or what not, (esp after ignoring my "FEELINGS E-MAIL") i'm not going to respond........ but i cant emotionally go through this again, it was AWFUL... and you know they don't change......

Edited October 24, 2009 by wondering_girl

[angelface78]

WT Ranger i know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt like that with my ex too. I would think ok maybe he didnt understand what i meant ill call him again and say this. Or maybe ill send an email so he can read it over if he doesnt understand what im saying. I wil call one more time maybe if i say it this way....and so on. CRAZY!!! ITS NOT LIKE THEY'RE DUMB!! They understand that we care for them and want to fix things.. THEY DONT WANT TO FIX THINGS!! Its that simple. They dont care like we do. We are not as important to them as they are to us. Its that simple. One more call will make no difference except hurt us and make us look more pathetic in their eyes!! SCREW THEM....TOO BAD TOO SAD FOR THEM!!They will probably never find people like us that truly loved them unconditionally...TOO BAD TOO SAD!!

 

DAY 2 FULL NC FOR ME..ITS BEEN HARD!!! BUT ITS FOR ME..IM LOVING ME!!

Edited October 24, 2009 by angelface78