wondering_girl Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 morning WTRanger, thanks for the response, i look forward to your responses because they are firm and straight to the point and we're all going through the same thing...... i was QUITE shocked as well... he said that he used the past several weeks to clearly think things over.. a month ummm he said sometimes he didn't even know why he gets mad at me easily..... as far as what i want, I JUST seriously need some TIME to think like you said, and even HE said let's take some time apart and start over (that kinda scared me cause it's like OK so you figured ya don't want this right now) BUT - i know it's for the both of us.. now, i know does not guarantee that after this time apart what's next...and i know NOW that i can live without him.. and all along, i could've written an email saying we're DONE, but i didn't what do you think when he said time apart? and start over? as far as that, i know it's IMPOSSIBLE to go back where we left off i don't know what this time apart will bring. but if we don't get back together then we were eventually gonna break for good anyway.. we have a history of being the best of friends and he said sometimes he doesn't even know how to act like a bf, and that is true, if this was any friend, yeah that's fine you can silent treatment them all you want to and they won't really HURT as much but i'm his GF...... not a friend or a family member because from what i heard this is how he copes with things..... as far as trying to keep him on a limbo, i won't and i was never one of those type of people..... and plus, i guess i never made a decision after all (i hate THAT), but i don't wanna start over and then after he takes some time apart he's gonna be like oh i don't want this and i'll hurt myself OVER again.. but this time i really need to take this TIME to learn about me, what do i want? do i really want this? it took him 10 days to answer this e-mail.... seriously, i thought he was never gonna respond. i don't know how long it will take me to answer but as of right now i don't know anything YET.... thanks so much for listening...... as far as the halloween thing goes, he's not a halloweeny person and i needed to get away from my place for a little while so the girls and i are taking an out of town trip for the wkend just to get away hopefully that will give me some time to think and clear my head..... because it's kind of flip flopping right now and i'm STILL HORRIFIED regarding what i went through these past several weeks. thanks for being there....... and like you said, i will NOT be surprised if the your ex-gf will show up or respond once she's think things through enough, i've never met people who took the longest time to think...... Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 wondering girl!!!! ok 1. wow, i guess congrats on getting a response? is that something to congratulate? it must be a mixed bag of emotions. but yeah, you need to do some deep reflecting on what you want. but props to him for even apoligizing . you've known him for a long time now, what about his character do you know about him, is this part of who he is, i guess if he is willing to start over, you need to know that he is in it, and will make the effort, to open up, to communicate, to do it better this time... maybe this time is good for you to concentrate on yourself. when my ex and i broke up the first time and he started ignoring me (it has been a pattern), i couldn't take it, and i moved, found a new job, and moved to a new city across the coast within a month...and i thought about it today, none of this would have happened if we didnt break up, i would probably still be in the same job, comfortable, but now i have a great job, and building my life, and i just needed that push... i think about what i would do if my ex apoligized, though i doubt that would ever happen in a million years, and yeah, people always say to me, think about how you are feeling now, all the hurt he has caused you, my mom said, so imagine you are together, and married, and something sets them off, and you have children, and he just runs away, and you dont hear from him for months, like now... like is that what you want to deal with in the future? like we all know this, but we cant help it... emotions are such blood sucking leeches. Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 (edited) Wondering Girl, What i dont like is the fact that it took him this long to get to the conclusion that he wants time apart. So he took time apart to tell you.. you guys need time apart...only the worst part is that you were in limbo all this time. WTF!!??? Sooo not fair to you. The only good thing is that THIS time apart you wont be wondering about him as much and will work on yourself knowing you guys are going back (but are you really going back???) think about that. It kinda sucks how he calls all the shots!! Well my advice is take this "OFFICIAL TIME APART" to work on yourself and not worry so much about him. Work out, eat healthy, hang out with your girls, have fun, work hard, study if youre in school and just basically better yourself in every aspect. That way when u guys go back you will be stronger and independent. If you guys dont go back...then you will be better off anyway!! I just really hope he's not BSing you hun. Ive been right there with you in the beginning of this rollercoaster....it has been hell!!! Dont want you to go thru all the hell we experienced at the beginning again. Edited October 27, 2009 by angelface78 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTRanger Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 Use sound judgment, make timely decisions and live with the results. Its that simple. Well, at least in words. But really try to understand what that all means for you. I highly doubt the girl in my case will ever respond. I refuse to put even one more ounce of hope into it. The only way it can work again between the two of you is that both of you really wanting to change for the better. I know I am willing to work on my little foibles but she's not. Whoooo! Day 6! Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Yay WT Ranger....DAY 6 OF FULL NC (NO LOKING AT MYSPACES) AND 20 DAYS NC SINCE I BROKE MY 3 MONTHS NC...LOL!!! OMG...WHAT A RIDE. GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON THIS RIDE WT...WE WILL MAKE IT!! Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 yay! day 5 NC for me! (i deleted him off msn today) havent looked at his facebook (i've deleted him but i like to see if he added any new friends... lol) It went sour for us in January 2008!!!!!!!!!! on and off until July 2008. moved out of the city in Sept 2008. Spent 2 weekends with him in Sept 2009. and now. crazy. we can do this!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Welcome HOPEFULLOVE.....JUMP RIGHT ON THE ROLLERCOASTER WITH US!!!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 My opinion is that talking, when one person wants to end it and the other is still in love, is a total waste of time. In the few instances where I've been the dumpee, it's been a ritual in self-torture by the person I'm dumping. They always ask why and what could they have done or if I'm interested in someone else. There isn't usually a "logical" reason for why someone breaks it off. It's just that their feelings changed over time (which can and does happen) or they didn't really love you that much to begin with. And really, what good does it do to hash and rehash over and over again? I think some dumpees choose the silent treatment because it's just exhausting trying to explain yourself over and over again, when all you want is to go home or walk away and be done with it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 it's just exhausting trying to explain yourself over and over again, when all you want is to go home or walk away and be done with it and move on. Ah, the selfish attitude at the root of the "silent treatment". Sorry that us silly dumpees would like an explanation while our heart is being shattered. By the way you've got the "dumpee dumper" terminology all backwards in your post. Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Ah, the selfish attitude at the root of the "silent treatment". Sorry that us silly dumpees would like an explanation while our heart is being shattered. By the way you've got the "dumpee dumper" terminology all backwards in your post. It's been a long day. Sue me -- obviously you knew what I meant. Is it not also selfish to want to force your DUMPER into hashing and re-hashing over and over every reason they don't want to be with you? Will it change the fact that they don't want to be with you? Nooo. So all you're really doing is causing more misery for yourself and the DUMPER. That's selfish, too. Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Its not about being selfish. After a long term relationship with someone its the least...THE VERY LEAST a person can do. Its not like they owe us anything...but you would think after all that time...they would at least take the time to give a reason. I guess some people just dont give a damn about others though!! Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 Its not about being selfish. After a long term relationship with someone its the least...THE VERY LEAST a person can do. Its not like they owe us anything...but you would think after all that time...they would at least take the time to give a reason. I guess some people just dont give a damn about others though!! Well the few times I broke up with someone as opposed to getting dumped, I did give a reason, which turned in to an hour-long argument over why I shouldn't be breaking it off, him begging, asking what he can do, etc. Trying to change my mind. All I'm saying is that maybe if dumpees would hear A reason -- as in ONE reason, ONE TIME -- and let it go at that, then maybe the dumper would be more inclined to talk about it. There will always be a few immature ones who won't talk to you no matter what, but if there wasn't the fear of being held prisoner by this conversation that goes on and on and on, maybe more people would be straight about a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 yo stace, a healty relationship i think is about communication. I have dumped someone with no explaination before, when i was younger and very immature. i had my own reasons and i didnt feel like i wanted to express them to the dumpee, cause i was selfish, and just didnt want to deal with it... it was a short term relationship, 3 months, so i didnt really think too much of it then, but now i regret it, because i know how it feels. i think the other person has a right to know why you're dumping them, so what if it turns into an hour long discussion, 2 hours, 5 hours, whatever, like, you're freaking breaking their heart, i dont think not wanting to listen to them talk is fair on your part, i dunno, like im suppose to symphatize with that? I think it helps them with their own closure... I broke it off with another guy, and he showed up to my work with flowers, trying to win me back, and i said i didnt feel it anymore. sorry. like, at least he can say he made an effort, that there was nothing more he could do, i just think what you're saying isnt fair at all, especially when one person thinks we're both on the same page, and then bam. silence.... like wtf. like if someone you were best friends with just decided to stop talking to you out of the blue, you'd say, oh, ok, well guess they dont want to be friends anymore, i suppose i wont burden them with my questions as to what's going on, and why we're not talking... Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 yo stace, a healty relationship i think is about communication. I have dumped someone with no explaination before, when i was younger and very immature. i had my own reasons and i didnt feel like i wanted to express them to the dumpee, cause i was selfish, and just didnt want to deal with it... it was a short term relationship, 3 months, so i didnt really think too much of it then, but now i regret it, because i know how it feels. i think the other person has a right to know why you're dumping them, so what if it turns into an hour long discussion, 2 hours, 5 hours, whatever, like, you're freaking breaking their heart, i dont think not wanting to listen to them talk is fair on your part, i dunno, like im suppose to symphatize with that? I think it helps them with their own closure... I broke it off with another guy, and he showed up to my work with flowers, trying to win me back, and i said i didnt feel it anymore. sorry. like, at least he can say he made an effort, that there was nothing more he could do, i just think what you're saying isnt fair at all, especially when one person thinks we're both on the same page, and then bam. silence.... like wtf. like if someone you were best friends with just decided to stop talking to you out of the blue, you'd say, oh, ok, well guess they dont want to be friends anymore, i suppose i wont burden them with my questions as to what's going on, and why we're not talking... You think it's fair for me, as a dumper, to have to listen to someone I care about (but just don't love anymore) cry and whine and beg and plead for one, two, five hours? That's completely selfish. I have not said anywhere that it's fair to not even address the reason you are breaking up. I merely proposed that silence might be an attempt to avoid a long, drawn out, nasty conversation that has the potential to turn ugly. If I felt the person I was breaking up with would take it like a respectable man, maybe ask a question or two and then let it go, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it sounds like, from all these posts, that everyone wants to make the dumper SUFFER by having to go through their entire relationship with a fine tooth comb, for HOURS, discussing every reason why it didn't work and then being blamed for not wanting it to work. 99 out of 100 R's in your life will fail. There's just not much point in obsessing over them like you guys are. Link to post Share on other sites
angelface78 Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 The reason you say this is because youre on the other side of the fence. If you were deeply in love with someone and they just walked away from you..without so much as a second look..with no reason...just silence. What would you do??? You would just be a woman about it (as you say) and just let it go. NO....you would be broken, shattered, confused. Put yourself in that position...keep in mind you are deeply in love with this person!! If your answer is YES than i guess you are a better woman then most of us...and men!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTRanger Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 There is a huge difference between telling someone the truth and then letting them whine to you over and over again. You have the choice to walk away. But in all of your past-posts that I read, you keep breaking NC when your ex contacted you. You blame him for making you break NC. Yet, you choose to respond to him. Once you've told the guy why you are breaking up with him, its up to you to stop talking to him. But at least he got an answer. Once you tell him, its up to him to accept it. Then yes, you can go silent on him if he continues to try to talk to you even after you told him to leave you alone. Yet in all of your posts, you let him whine to you. You permitted his actions, therefore you persisted his actions. Total, no answer, run away, avoid the issue, silence is spineless and cowardly, there is no other way to describe it. Its beneath contempt. You are mixing break-ups here and generalizing. All of us on this thread have had ZERO answers as to why these people decided to stop talking. There wasn't even a, "we need a break" or "I need space." It was just one day talking, next few months silence. No phone, no text, no email, no nothing. Look, we're all just trying to move forward. Its not "obsessing" as you call it because we are telling each other our experiences and helping each other get through this. Most of us on here are only on the first week of real NC. All of us on there are steadfast in our moving forward with no answer. We are not whining, we are just trying to support each other. But none of us are hounding these people for answers. We all realize that they'd rather run away like p*ssies than deal with problems like normal, rational, functional human beings. Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) WTRanger, angelface78, you guys are better than me cause all i had for stace was !@#!#@!$@!#@!!# sorry that really pissed me off, because what you just said is so arrogant. i heard NOTHING. we were together a year and a half, and moved away, and been chatting for 2 months before we met up again, talking about all the good times, about how we can make it work again, how we can be happy agian, we spent 2 amazing weekends together, and continued to chat for the next week, then he disappeared for a week and a half, and i called him out on it, and he said that we would chat the weekend, his laptop was in the shop, and the last thing i heard from him was "happy thanks giving!!!! grrr i have a cheesecake hangover" and that was from 2 and a half weeks ago. and previously. how does that make any sense. at all. so you think that it is selfish for me to want to know wtf is up? I'm being selfish? i dont know what kind of bizzaro world you live in... Edited October 28, 2009 by hopefullove elaboration Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 WTRanger, angelface78, you guys are better than me cause all i had for stace was !@#!#@!$@!#@!!# sorry that really pissed me off, because what you just said is so arrogant. i heard NOTHING. we were together a year and a half, and moved away, and been chatting for 2 months before we met up again, talking about all the good times, about how we can make it work again, how we can be happy agian, we spent 2 amazing weekends together, and continued to chat for the next week, then he disappeared for a week and a half, and i called him out on it, and he said that we would chat the weekend, his laptop was in the shop, and the last thing i heard from him was "happy thanks giving!!!! grrr i have a cheesecake hangover" and that was from 2 and a half weeks ago. and previously. how does that make any sense. at all. so you think that it is selfish for me to want to know wtf is up? I'm being selfish? i dont know what kind of bizzaro world you live in... His actions(lack of) should say all you need to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I also got no explanation.... I can't explain my feelings he says.... when I want to talk about it he won't.... Fast forward 3 months NC.... We see each other at a local surf break.... He later comes to my house.... I say lets drive to the beach and talk What I percieved as the reason for the breakup is totally different from why he broke up.... His reason for not telling me.... It would hurt me and he doesn't want to hurt me..... Hello!!!! I am not a mind reader and not knowing hurts worse than knowing.... and then we all assume and wonder.... Boy did we have it out!!! I finally got it out of him and if he could have been more honest with how he felt perhaps we could have resolved the issue.... We discussed issues from the past that he assumed I felt.... and he was so off base.... WITHOUT HONEST COMMUNICATION there is bound to be assumptions we will continuelly analize...... Confrontation and honest communication are beyond those that would prefer to run and not deal..... but to keep one wondering is the worst.... From his perspective and perhaps others that do the silent treatment... to be brutally honest would be harder to address if it mean't hurting someone and in someway he tried to give me hints.... How did I know the hints would be an all or nothing situation.... I just feel for all of you.... because I would have assumed what I felt was the reason, only to find out it wasn't the reason..... Not fair to anyone in this situation!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 i know i know... but i just, i cant get over those 2 months before we met up, we chatted like we used to, like best friends, i really believed him... i told him how much he meant to me and he was like "really???" and shocked, and seemed really happy cause he wasnt sure how i felt, and then we just chatted everyday, and when i visited, we had the best time together, we were the couple the never left the honeymoon stage... and thats how we acted. went to the fair, fell asleep on each other on the beach, dinners, movies, tried new food places, our first breakfast restaurant, it was so great... and i KNOW, i know his lack of action should say it all, but it just doesnt make sense to me... he added my cousin to his facebook like 3 weeks ago, my cousin is obsessed with him, and he said he "added him cause he knew it would make me laugh x".... and now nothing. it just doesnt make any sense... Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 HEY! i read this blurb on another blog, while reading up on passive aggressive behaviour and why we get ignored and this made a lot of sense to me, it was in response to a lady, who's situation is similar to mine, and yours, like we get ignored, always doing the apoligizing, we never seem to do anything right at all, and there was a habit of it during our relationship: I think that his behaviour goes far beyond what is regularly considered passive aggression. We can all exhibit passive aggressiveness from time to time, but to be comfortable ignoring a person for 7 hours whilst they sit beside you ... that is difficult to fathom. He's not just passive aggressive - he's passive aggressive's poster boy. I think you should pause for a moment, and consider why it is that you would be willing to return to someone who treats you this way. He is emotionally abusive. This technique of his is called stonewalling, and it's generally considered one of the most destructive forms of passive aggression in the douche bag manual. Why? Because it's used to manipulate and control the emotions and actions of a partner, by the giving and refusing of love - as expressed through the maintenance of his sole, tyrannical hold over the channels of communication. So yes. Your desire to return to him smacks of a desire to regain approval - to reopen the love conduit (so to speak) by appeasing his need to be placated and supplicated. This is a learned behaviour. You're playing into the manipulation. The problem is, there's nothing in this relationship for you - there never was. The relationship was controlled wholly by him. He held the reins, and decided when there would be communication, and when there would not. He decided when you would receive affection, or understanding, and when you would not. The relationship was designed and run (by him) to cater wholly to himself, his needs, and at the pace with which he was most comfortable. I would suggest you want to return to him because you miss the feeling of love that you most recently associate with him. I strongly caution you against this, for all the reasons I have listed. He only ever provided you with enough love/kindness/affection to keep you compliant; your needs were never his concern. If they were, he would not havve listed. He only ever provided you with enough love/kindness/affection to keep you compliant; your needs were never his concern. If they were, he would not have maintained such an indomitable arrogance in the face of every conflict, and discarded your own attempts to communicate so utterly, and with such single-minded conviction. Have you heard the expression "running on fumes"? In reference to driving a car with so little petrol that the fumes alone power the vehicle? That's what his attitude towards you reminds me of. He kept you running on fumes - the smell of love. The memory of it. Those brief moments where he was all that you wanted. That to-ing and fro-ing (from kind to cold and back again, endlessly) is another CLASSIC sign of an abuser. It's all an effort to control, or manage, that other person's emotions - manipulate them just enough to keep them compliant of their own (seeming) volition. It's sickening, yes, but that's how it goes with some. As I say, take some time to think about why a return to him would even be an option for you - why your standards are so low. I counsel you to repair your self-esteem and self-respect; you can (and will) do much better than him. Indeed; you could practically walk outside now, close your eyes, spin, and throw a rock randomly into the street - you'd STILL likely hit a more mature man than he. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 HEY! i read this blurb on another blog, while reading up on passive aggressive behaviour and why we get ignored and this made a lot of sense to me, it was in response to a lady, who's situation is similar to mine, and yours, like we get ignored, always doing the apoligizing, we never seem to do anything right at all, and there was a habit of it during our relationship: I think that his behaviour goes far beyond what is regularly considered passive aggression. We can all exhibit passive aggressiveness from time to time, but to be comfortable ignoring a person for 7 hours whilst they sit beside you ... that is difficult to fathom. He's not just passive aggressive - he's passive aggressive's poster boy. I think you should pause for a moment, and consider why it is that you would be willing to return to someone who treats you this way. He is emotionally abusive. This technique of his is called stonewalling, and it's generally considered one of the most destructive forms of passive aggression in the douche bag manual. Why? Because it's used to manipulate and control the emotions and actions of a partner, by the giving and refusing of love - as expressed through the maintenance of his sole, tyrannical hold over the channels of communication. So yes. Your desire to return to him smacks of a desire to regain approval - to reopen the love conduit (so to speak) by appeasing his need to be placated and supplicated. This is a learned behaviour. You're playing into the manipulation. The problem is, there's nothing in this relationship for you - there never was. The relationship was controlled wholly by him. He held the reins, and decided when there would be communication, and when there would not. He decided when you would receive affection, or understanding, and when you would not. The relationship was designed and run (by him) to cater wholly to himself, his needs, and at the pace with which he was most comfortable. I would suggest you want to return to him because you miss the feeling of love that you most recently associate with him. I strongly caution you against this, for all the reasons I have listed. He only ever provided you with enough love/kindness/affection to keep you compliant; your needs were never his concern. If they were, he would not havve listed. He only ever provided you with enough love/kindness/affection to keep you compliant; your needs were never his concern. If they were, he would not have maintained such an indomitable arrogance in the face of every conflict, and discarded your own attempts to communicate so utterly, and with such single-minded conviction. Have you heard the expression "running on fumes"? In reference to driving a car with so little petrol that the fumes alone power the vehicle? That's what his attitude towards you reminds me of. He kept you running on fumes - the smell of love. The memory of it. Those brief moments where he was all that you wanted. That to-ing and fro-ing (from kind to cold and back again, endlessly) is another CLASSIC sign of an abuser. It's all an effort to control, or manage, that other person's emotions - manipulate them just enough to keep them compliant of their own (seeming) volition. It's sickening, yes, but that's how it goes with some. As I say, take some time to think about why a return to him would even be an option for you - why your standards are so low. I counsel you to repair your self-esteem and self-respect; you can (and will) do much better than him. Indeed; you could practically walk outside now, close your eyes, spin, and throw a rock randomly into the street - you'd STILL likely hit a more mature man than he. Good luck. Thank you for that post. I remember my ex asking me (in 2008) if she was emotionally abusive towards me, and I said yes. She giggled and I playfully did the same... Oy vey I can honestly say that she treated me better this year (I think?), but I can't believe I endured all that crap from her and still sit here wishing things did not end. Link to post Share on other sites
wondering_girl Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) WTRanger, angelface hopefulllove... thanks for the posts - i look forward to your replies and trust me, it makes stronger to hear from you guys... i still have VERY weak moments... i haven't replied to the e-mail as of yet, many questions run through my mind, do i want him back after all this? what is this.... it took YOU that LONG to tell me that we need time apart? why, we've been apart this whole time but you know what guys, i'll give him what he wants that's FINE.... but what is this time apart thing? it's like WTF, did you think we were together the whole time but you were pissed so you keep calling me to go do things? when he knew we weren't talking.... now i'm having different thoughts with the whole thing...BOTH OF US are not guaranteed that we're gonna go back after this, and it is still very HURTFUL that he kept me in a limbo this whole time.. guys, what is this time apart thing?? and it's weird because he said let's take some time apart and start over which are TWO contradictory things. how could you just pick up pieces from that.. it's broken...... and we've been the BEST OF FRIENDS so he's like sometimes he doesn't know how to be a bf, i'm not a friend that he can ignore i'm his GF....who decides how long the break is.... i don't even know i really need some time hopefullove - i LOVEEED what you said that this was the EXTRA push that you needed so you will go out there and get a better job - this is what i'm trying to do now, i'm trying to put all my FULL FORCE to focus on my career because where i'm at now is fine, but i'm comfortable and one of the reasons i took it was i wanted to be closer to home and thats' where he was but seriously, NOW is the time for me to move to the next thing because i need to focus on me, it's still hard to think that i don't have to worry about him anymore but i have to. and regardless what it is, if something comes around, i'm gonna go. you inspired me with that post. yes, this is a post where we are trying to VENT AND HELP EACH OTHER GET THROUGH THE "SILENCE RESOLUTION" that we got from our ex-bf's or gfs'.... we are not OBESSING nor OVERTHINKING, cause i know all of us are strong people that when someone says F off, we're gone........ hopefullove - i've read up a whole lot on PA actions.. it is horrible...and this is not the first time he did this running thing..... so, it's time for us to really examine if this is solid or not. even after the e-mail i replay how i was in the first month and still horrified. i'm weirded out the only answer i seem to have now is i don't know.. i hope that's normal..... for now Edited October 28, 2009 by wondering_girl Link to post Share on other sites
hopefullove Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) Hi Wondering Girl, So i'm reading up a bit on this "stonewalling" and omgosh! i feel like a light bulb has just turned on... everything i'm reading totally describes what i've been through... and it really helps to pinpoint the past actions that i've just conveniently forgotten stonewalling/passive-aggressive behaviour - behaviours of those with narcissistic personality; traits include: -sense of entitlement - double standard - logic twisting (to confuse and increase your self doubt) - low on empathy and i was reading that, you get these behaviours on and off, and that HE/SHE was probably the one to seduce/lure you in the begining of the relationship, who made you feel like they were crazy about you, but they are only skilled at enticing their targets, but in truth lack true emotional depth, feeling (except their own pain) anyway, that was just a bit of summary of a post i liked the most from this whole thread on stonewalling http://divorcesupport.about.com/b/2008/04/15/stonewalling.htm its really interesting to read, and it's about divorced people too, so its like, wow, how long they've put up with it... so maybe it is a good thing that we realize what we have in front of us now, and look for a healthy relationship. before i used to read up on this "man cave" **** about how how guys need a lot of time to think, etc. i think it's just an excuse, really... i'm really enjoying all this extra reading, it's really helpful. look at all the new terms im learning lol. but yeah, this will be really good for you, if you seize the opportunity. because i was just thinking, being single allows for me to do what i want, i can go wherever i want, and really allows for me to explore my life. I didnt look for a new job when i was at home because i was comfortable, but when i set my mind to it, i mean the force behind it may have been the break up, but it really helped me, i kept thinking, i have to get out of here, i have to do something to move on, i mean, i cold-called the president of the company i work for now, and i moved out to a place i've never been to, getting paid like a 1/3rd more than my last job, and working a really awesome job that i love (and allows for me to go back home and travel), and just let it push you to be better. I always think, maybe it was meant to be like this, because if we were still together, there is no way i would have left the city to pursue this. and now i am thinking, where to go to next? what is my next adventure... that should be our focus! Edited October 28, 2009 by hopefullove Link to post Share on other sites
Author WTRanger Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 A lot of time to think = give me time to find someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
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