My wife is involved in an emotional type affair.

[bob048]

My wife of 21 years filed for divorce on me this past july, she was staying in the house with me until i suspected she was having an affair, she withdrew emotionally from me and any time i "pressured" her she would take off for hours. I met the OM after she moved out leaving me with our 13 year old and taking the 15 year old with her. He is now spending two weeks with her and two with me. He (my 15 yeard old has told me that they hold hands and hug goodbye when he leaves her apt. They met at work. She is 42 he is 38, twice divorced and lives with his mother.

 

On her birthday in October i got in a scuffle with him when i went over to her apt. unannounced. She told me yesterday that she is not 100% sure she is doing the right thing but won't go to counseling or talk much with me, she said they have not had sex. I love this woman and have no idea how to get through to her. I am now just backing off and talking with her only about the children. She feels i forced her out of the house by pressuring her, and into his arms. Any advice would be appreciated.

[steveb]

I am still not 100 percent sure to what degree my wifes emotional affair went.

But I think I caught it early enough to try to fix the marriage.

 

I am not sure I have any info for you, but I know what you are going through.

If only they would be more clear about what thay want/need, we could start addressing it before they look elsewhere.

 

My wife agreed to stop seeing him and I agreed to "start over" and no longer treat her (angrily) like she is still seeing him.

 

We are starting to work on our issues with eachother and not the emotional affair.

 

If she does snap out of it and you want her back, do not dwell on the affair and bring it up in every future argument.

 

Good luck to you.

[Arabess]

You guys are amazing and to be commended. I think it's wonderful that you can look over an affair...whether it be emotional or physical....and still want to work on the marriage.

 

GAWD...call me shallow....but I just wouldn't have the strength or the heart to do it. I'm in a relationship/marriage...as long as it's GOOD. At the first sign of problems...I'm out the door.

 

HAHA....No wonder I'm single and destined to stay that way!!!!!

 

I feel ashamed......

[Desert Wind]

Can you still persuade her to come back? Maybe by telling her that you will 'allow' her to explore her feelings but not at the expense of the children.

 

I did that with my husband and although it drove me crazy for a while but in the end having him back in the house gave me a chance at fighting for my marriage. It was very slim initially but I believed my husband was very confused at that time, so with counseling help, I was able to talk to him to open up and discuss the matter rationally. In the end, he did come back and we have since been progressing very well in our relationship.

 

bob, you also have a pm.

 

Desert Wind

[Arabess]

Very good Desert Wind!!

 

I try to post all the time that men who engage in extra maritial affairs....RARELY want to lose their wives and family. If a woman will work with them....and give them some time to come to grips with whatever caused them to stray.....I think many men would be happy campers!!!!

 

To be honest though....as strongly as I feel about that....I'd STILL have a hard time with it. I think it must take a deeper love than I've ever experienced.

 

[color=red]........ I learn so much in here...........[/color]

[Desert Wind]

I like to think I have a deep love for him too, Arabess and during that crazy time I did question my sanity. I took the risk based on how much he has loved me, never cheated and was always there for me (he works from home) and I was/am no angel I had my own issues but I’ll be damn if I run away again as I tend to do in the past.

 

In the end it did work out well for us and for that I am very thankful.

 

Peace to you. I read about your daughter. I can imagine and I know in the end all will turn out alright for you.

 

Desert Wind

[turih]

I've been having an extra-maritial affair for the last 6 years. Although it's been over between us, I still obsess 'bout it.

 

I know what I did is morally wrong, but at the time, the other man gave me undivided attention and made me feel like a woman again. My marraige is not perfect, it has never been perfect right from the very begining. We have two lovely children, which we both love dearly. My husband is a very good person, as a man, people admire his intergrity, honesty, and hard work. He will never rely on anyone for anything. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, he does not attend to it.

 

 

Before I met the other man, I was suffering from duodinal ulcer for nearly 5 years. During that time, I was not working because I was looking after the children at home. Meaning, I have no income. My husband did nothing to help me out, instead, he made things worse by refusing to pay for my medical bills. That's when our problem started.

 

I was not looking for another man, when I met the him. One could say, it just happened. The point I am trying to make is, when one is faced with problems at home, the solution is not to have an affair, because all affairs end, and you are left with a broken heart for the second time in your life. Making a difficult situation even worse. I don't feel guilty for what I have done, because I beleive, a marraige is supposed to be based on caring for each other, and that is missing from the one I have. My husband feels he is justified, because he beleives that one has to look after himself, and it is not the husbands obligation to attend to his wifes needs.

 

My story is too long, and I would hate to bore you with the details. Anyway, now, the other guy has also left me, and I am left with grief and sadness, and don't seem to let go. I know that in the long run we can not be together, because of the nature of our characters; he is sentimental and only follows his heart and I am pragmatic and think for the future, while he only lives for the day. I know this letter is ambigous to say the list. It is because, I am so confused and lost and I can't even think straight. Any advice?

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Arabess

You guys are amazing and to be commended. I think it's wonderful that you can look over an affair...whether it be emotional or physical....and still want to work on the marriage.

 

I wouldn't call it "looking over" or overlooking it. Nevertheless it does not necessarily spell the end of the marriage, if both partners are motivated to save & repair the relationship. But both partners must be willing to do so.

 

When I discovered my ex's torrid affair of several months, I was willing to try to work through it, get couples counseling, etc. However, she was resolved that she wanted out of our marriage, & wanted to be with this other man. So after she left, I moved on with my life, in the new direction it had taken.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by turih

I've been having an extra-maritial affair for the last 6 years. Although it's been over between us, I still obsess 'bout it.

 

I know what I did is morally wrong, but at the time, the other man gave me undivided attention and made me feel like a woman again. My marraige is not perfect, it has never been perfect right from the very begining. We have two lovely children, which we both love dearly. My husband is a very good person, as a man, people admire his intergrity, honesty, and hard work. He will never rely on anyone for anything. But, when it comes to matters of the heart, he does not attend to it.

 

 

Before I met the other man, I was suffering from duodinal ulcer for nearly 5 years. During that time, I was not working because I was looking after the children at home. Meaning, I have no income. My husband did nothing to help me out, instead, he made things worse by refusing to pay for my medical bills. That's when our problem started.

 

. The point I am trying to make is, when one is faced with problems at home, the solution is not to have an affair, because all affairs end, and you are left with a broken heart for the second time in your life. Making a difficult situation even worse. I don't feel guilty for what I have done, because I beleive, a marraige is supposed to be based on caring for each other, and that is missing from the one I have. My husband feels he is justified, because he beleives that one has to look after himself, and it is not the husbands obligation to attend to his wifes needs.

 

My story is too long, and I would hate to bore you with the details. Anyway, now, the other guy has also left me, and I am left with grief and sadness, and don't seem to let go. I know that in the long run we can not be together, because of the nature of our characters; he is sentimental and only follows his heart and I am pragmatic and think for the future, while he only lives for the day. I know this letter is ambigous to say the list. It is because, I am so confused and lost and I can't even think straight. Any advice?

 

 

I would suggest starting your own thread. You will get more responses that way.

 

But if you dont mind me asking......you made this statement above:

 

"I was not looking for another man, when I met the him. One could say, it just happened"

 

 

its up to you, but how did it happen?...how did it start?