Am I expecting too much?

[Mandapanda]

Alright so long story short; My husbands parents... are LOADED. Like, loaded loaded. Well, we just got married a year ago, so we are struggling. Of course, it is natural. Dave (my husband) would cut off his leg before he called to ask his parents for money. So I always had to ask mine (My mom doesn't work, she draws SSi and my stepdad is a construction worker...they live pay check to pay check) But they go without to make sure that we have food, gas, exc.

 

In feb my husbands car that he has had for... ever finally took a dump. We were DESPERATE we went to a car lot and basicly had to get a car that night in order to get home. I mean at that point.. with four wheels under your ass anything looks good.

 

Well, the place knew we were desperate and really socked it to us. We ended up paying 7000 for a car worth 4... IN BEST condition!!!

 

So clearly we are upside down on the loan. We have been paying twice the minimum payments to up our credit... only to find out it is a signature loan in his dads name...... (his dad cosigned because we are both young and have no credit established) so we still have worthless credit.

 

Well, a few months ago the tire blew... and we went to get it fixed only to find out the entire allignment was completely screwed. So we had to get four new tires.

 

About a month later... it started dying. We would be driving and it would die like we had no gas... just slow down to a dead stop. But... we had gas.

This happened three times

 

Well, in December my mom is paying for us to drive up to IL for christmas. I have not seen my parents in over a year.

 

 

After the car has been acting the way it has... also with 100k miles on it we know it is just money that we will be throwing away, and really don't feel comfortable driving across the country in a car we can't rely on... around town.

 

So we started looking at new cars. We wanted something with better gas milage (we were only getting 16 to the gallon) so we were looking a little 4 cylinder cars i had been wanting a SUV due to my job (I need to haul heavy stuff around) but it wasn't in the gas price... then we stumbled on a little SUV that got 24 to the gallon in city!!! It was our favorite color, a 2007 with ONLY 1,233 miles. It was literitly the car the old lady drove to church and bingo once a week. So it was like... heaven sent. And it was in our price range...

 

 

We run our credit... they can't approve us with no money down.

 

So, I call Dave's mom and ask her if we can borrow 300 to put down on a car (She says no) fine. I get the money from my parents who borrowed it from someone else who borrowed it from someone else and we have it to put down... then they say they can't approve us at all.

 

Well, dave's dad Co-signed before... I didn't see a problem.

 

We email him to call us (he is in Asia for work, he works for Exon Mobile..) so he calls us and we run the story by him...

 

He says no.

 

Dave explained 'Dad, we do not feel comfortable driving to IL in a car we can't rely on'

 

The dads awnser?

 

'Fix it... or don't go'

 

His dad is driving around in a BRAND new DODGE Diseal Truck that he paid over 50,000 in CASH and his mom is driving the chrysler Aspen..

 

They have over four houses throughout the states and Singapor...

 

Yet they can't sign for there son to get a car that he feels comfortable in?

 

 

I find this completely bogus!!!!!

 

I mean if my family had the money the have... she would buy us a brand new car.

 

All his parents give out is their breath... and take new in.

 

 

Am I wrong for being so upset over this???? I mean, i feel horirble for my husband... he's crushed. and now I know why he never calls them.

[limitless]

In my opinion, that is just horrible. Do they give a reason as to why they are like this?

[Tayla]

Two ironies you are now facing.

 

1: You are an adult and as such are responsible for your financial abilities or disabilities to live by a certain means.

2: You are an adult and learning that your parents (primarily his) are treating him as an adult by abiding by step one above.

 

Dont get me wrong, its a positive gesture if a parent *offers. When a young adult comes of independent age, then the parents roles change. They arent OBLIGATED to pay for anything. They paid their price in raising and giving for 18 or 19 years.....

 

From a struggling point of view I will say this, It does seem unfair when some folks have and do not share. Yet the reality is, there is no law that says someone who has MUST give.

 

Your financial woes in part come from making a rash financial investment ( the over priced car) and now running around questioning why others wont help you ? Ummm....could it be that you made a poor decision before and are a risk that it could happen again? If you were a business that faultered in your investment do you really think a bank would loan money for you to do it again? Doubtful. Luckily you married your man not because of his family wealth but because as you are both a team now, you do together what could not be done alone. Get in debt quicker! (sorry that was meant in a humorous way) . I have better luck saving money being single then I ever did when I was married.

[doublescorpio]

Yes. You are expecting too much.

 

Repeat after me- your financial problems are yours, not theirs. Say it again. I think it is not OK for you to be requesting money from your parents when they are already strapped for cash. And I don't think it is right that just because your inlaws have money, you are entitled to it either.

 

Don't your parents deserve some savings of their own after all their years of hard work? Why should they have to pay for their adult children's debts? So many people incur debt in their twenties, and for the most part it is lack of financial planning. But it is not the end of the world- they pull out extra hours at work, they get consolidation loans, they make it work. Max out your hours, cut all luxuries (including a new car) until you can afford it on your own.

 

Dave explained 'Dad, we do not feel comfortable driving to IL in a car we can't rely on'

 

The dads awnser?

 

'Fix it... or don't go'

 

His dad is driving around in a BRAND new DODGE Diseal Truck that he paid over 50,000 in CASH and his mom is driving the chrysler Aspen..

 

They have over four houses throughout the states and Singapor...

 

Yet they can't sign for there son to get a car that he feels comfortable in?

 

 

I find this completely bogus!!!!!

 

 

It is absolutely none of your business as to what your inlaws own or how much money they have. How old are you? This sounds like literally a teenage point of veiw of entitlement. And I agree with the father- fix it or don't go. You have to make sacrifices to get by sometimes ant it isn't always pleasant. But people do it all the time without getting their folks to bail them out.

[limitless]

Actually, Tayla and doublescorpio made really good points and I agree with them on many things.

 

Let me expand on what I meant in my last post. If you are having a ton of financial trouble and you are doing your best to fix that by being financially responsible, making sacrifices and working hard to fix your problem, I don't see why a parent can't help a little to put you on the right track especially if they can help.

 

Now if you are not being financially responsible and you are being lazy and not trying to make the best of yourself, I do not think a parent should help because helping won't fix anything.

 

For example, if your husband wants to go to school for a degree or second degree but you guys are strapped for cash, I think a parent should help (assuming you guys come up with a financial plan) because it is to help their kid achieve a better future.

[Devil Inside]

I can understand why you are upset. It must be frustrating to see them living the high life while you two scrap for every cent you have.

 

However, I do not think that are being cruel. If you two were starving or needed money to pay for some life saving medicine...then yeah...but this is about you wanting to go on a trip. I know it is important...but it is not life or death. One of the best things that any parent can do is to teach their children how to be self sufficient...and the best way to do this is to let them experience struggle...this usually results in life lessons that are much more impact then some lecture on saving your money.

 

So...I can see your frustration..but I do not think it is wrong of them not to give you the money or cosign on a loan.

[KismetGirl]

Ok, so, if you had said his parents refused to help in a dire situation (eg- you didnt have enough for food, were homeless, had grandchildren of theirs you couldnt feed) it would still be your responsibility, but it would be cruel of them not to help.

 

In this situation, while they should be able to help you out, it is a fine line because it isnt an emergency and it technically isn't their problem that you guys got married really young and are having financial problems. The fact that you say you are so young that you both don't have a reasonable credit history makes me think you got married REALLY bloody young, as I am 27 and I just recently stopped getting all those "insufficient credit history length" replies to things. My credit was always perfect, never missed a payment in my life, and have had credit cards since I was 18 years old so now nearly ten years later that's starting not to be an issue. So you guys must be hella young, and Im guessing there's a good chance his parents are thiking you shouldnt have gotten married so young to begin with if you couldnt really support each other?

 

Dont know, I am just speculating.

 

People are all very different. My mother is like your parents are -- she would sell her own kidneys to help me and my siblings pay for things if she could, but she, like your parents are broke. On the other hand, I find often that the "rich" parents think they are teaching their kids a lesson in earning money by being "stricter" about doling out cash and financial assistance, which is maybe what his parent are doing.

 

So yes, while they could be nicer, maybe they think that it isnt an emergency and that you should be more careful with your money. I paid too much for a spontaneous crap car when I first bought one on my own and I was the one stuck with paying it off and all the massive amounts of car repairs that have come along the way. hey, at least you have a husband to help you....I'm quite single and have been paying for everything, going to school and working my whole adult life on my own, with very minimal help from my parents who are just not in a financial position to help me.

 

That said....his dad did cosign with you guys once, and perhaps he saw your rash purchase as one of irresponsibility. Perhaps they want to see you make some repsonsible decisions and get on your feet on your own.

 

if it ever got to a point where you were absolutely going to become destitute and they still didnt want to help, then I'd say they were huge ass*oles, but at this point, they are just stingy with their money, which doesn't make them bad people , though perhaps not as kindhearted on an obvious level as your parents.

 

It's kind of irrelevant how much money they have to be honest....I have some rich relatives who have never given me a dime in my life. Do I think they could afford it? Of course. Are they under obligation to? No, not really I guess. If i was rich I'd be giving money to all my relatives if they needed it becasue that's how I am, but not everyone is like that and unfortunately they do have a right to do so. Hopefully if you can show them you guys are able to take care of your own expenses and be fiscally responsible (which doesnt just mean scraping by, I guess, perhaps they want to see that you are making smart money decisions), then perhaps they will be more helpful in the future. For instance, my sister chose to drop of of college, move to another state with her loser boyfriend (and I say this lightly...he was 30 with no job, education, and a one year old from a prior relationship he didn take care of). So my sister was living paycheck to paycheck, waitressing, and my mother was CONSTANTLY bailing her out, helping her with bills she coultn cover, paying for her cell phone bill, things like that, and in reality, my sister did it to herself. She didnt HAVE to live in another state with her boyfriend and drop out of college to do what she's doing, but she did, and that's her choice, and me and my family love her and if she ever was in a dangerous situation or was risking being homeless or starving we would absolutely take her in, but if she chooses to live where she's living there's no reason my mother shoul dhave to keep bailing her out, helping with insurance payments, etc. Shes an adult and she made her decisions.

 

Anyway, good luck with your stuff, hopefully things will work out. I know how hard it is to keep things in check, but hey, at least you have a husband to help you out? ;-) Some of us are all on our own!

[Pizzaman81]

...Dont get me wrong, its a positive gesture if a parent *offers. When a young adult comes of independent age, then the parents roles change. They arent OBLIGATED to pay for anything. They paid their price in raising and giving for 18 or 19 years.....

 

Ugh I hate this statement. Must be American family. Not to be racist.. but everything has to be a law, LEGALLY they don't have to take care of you anymore!

 

"GET OUT! CONTRACT OVER!"

 

Make it sound so.. blah.

 

Anyway, regarding the issue, I thought marriage is the marriage of the two families, when the families join. We help each other in time of need. How are you to keep a strong family when you let pieces and parts break off?

Edited November 16, 2009 by Pizzaman81
extra thoughts

[stillafool]

It is not your parents or your husband's parents responsibility to take care of the two of you. Have you guy's tried getting second jobs to dig you out of your financial debts? I would work 3 jobs before I would ask (your parents for money, especially if my mom was on ssi.) It's best that you guys learn now that you will have to pay your own way in this life.