Exposure is complete What next??

[floridapad]

OK,

 

I exposed the affair to the OM's wife today. She was not the raving lunatic who might jeapordize my family the way he said. She was very respectful and thankful. We spoke for an hour on the phone. He portrayed this miserable woman who was pyscho to both me and my wife and she was the exact opposite. I shared the conversation with my wife and it was pretty much the nail in the coffin for her regarding this OM. My wife cried and horrible realizations that she was so completely deceived by this man, her soul mate. She is at rock bottom. She is humiliated beyond belief. I am not taking pleasure but I do know she needs to feel that. My question is.. now what? I plan on giving her alot of space for a couple of weeks to resolve things in her head. I am still not talking about "us" and will not. BTW the guys last e-mail to me describing his wife follows:

 

" I cannot guarantee that she will not go crazy after your wife and your kids if she identifies her. In fact, my biggest preocupation is her mental health, in addition to her physical health. She has esquizofrenia in her genes. Her aunt died crazy, and her father has been on psiquiatric medications for many years. She has had a couple of very scary episodios. Today her ginecologist ordered her to have a biopsy (she is waiting now for the person who schedule the biopsies to contact her). What she has has grown and does not look good. She is scared."

 

This was the most difficult thing to do in my life but it is done. His OM's reaction was not what he described and she was very intelligent and in touch with herself. This guy was truly full of Sh-t. NOW the affair is over. NOW my wife can heal and defog and wake up. She is extraordinarily guilty right now and that may be my biggest hurdle to reconciliation should I chose to.

 

It's a long road.....

[ADF]

I am utterly bewildered why people are shocked to find out the person they've been carrying on an affair with is a liar. I mean, shouldn't that be obvious?

[MrMayI]

right on FP! you did what had to be done. now, you just have to wait it out i think. i guess you just have to decide, because in my opinion, reconciliation is coming, at least from her end. i exposed as well, but it didn't go the same way. exposure made my ex go same day and sign the papers at my attorney's office. you have time. use it.

[cyabye]

That email is clearly a lie and trying to make you feel guilty for contacting his wife. What an effing loser. LMAO. Not only is he a POS but he is illiterate as well. I won't try and tell you what to do with your wife, but if I were you, I would be flying solo. Good job. I know this helps your self esteem.

 

cyabye

[floridapad]

ADF - Yeah these are all realizations she is going through now and she is in a deep funk. VERY deep funk. When you're in the affair it is truly an addiction and they are completely blinded by it all

 

MRMAYI - This exposure occurred at the tale end of her affair where she was beginning to see this man for who he was. The exposure pretty much nailed the coffin shut. I guess it is all about timing. I purposly held off on exposure because I knew she would have been furious in the early months. Now she is not. Timing and patience I guess worked in my favor. Still don't know if she will want to reconcile. She has ALOT of guilt for which I don't know how to deal with. Not even 100% I want to reconcile.

 

Cyabye- You said this helps my self esteem. I never thought of it that way when I did it but now that I did you are SO right. My self esteem surprisingly really went up after this. Unintended result but I will take it.

[Ronni_W]

floridapad,

I'm glad you experienced a positive outcome.

She has ALOT of guilt for which I don't know how to deal with.

Her guilt is HER issue to deal with, as are all her other feelings -- do not take ownership of, or responsibility for, that.

 

You do, and will, have more than enough of your own feelings and decisions with which to deal. And yours are the only ones over which you have any power and control, anyway.

[GorillaTheater]

Not even 100% I want to reconcile.

 

I can understand this, and it's worth quite a bit of thought. If it was me, I'd have to step back and figure out whether I truly wanted to spend the rest of my wife with someone, even though it would be an awful long time before I could trust them let alone get the 24/7 "movies" out of my head, or whether I simply wanted to win a competition. I don't know how I'd answer, either.

[phineas]

I can understand this, and it's worth quite a bit of thought. If it was me, I'd have to step back and figure out whether I truly wanted to spend the rest of my wife with someone, even though it would be an awful long time before I could trust them let alone get the 24/7 "movies" out of my head, or whether I simply wanted to win a competition. I don't know how I'd answer, either.

 

I thought about this also.

I thought about how easy it was for her to lie to me, manipulate me, & make me feel like the bad guy while all the while she was the one cheating.

 

I would never be able to trust her again. Ever.

[torranceshipman]

I'd recommend rejecting the 'affair fog' concept, which almost sounds like someone dropped her a pill and she was unduly under the influence of a drug. Affair fog is just another phrase for 'she selfishly wanted some attention, excitement and ego boosting and sexual fun with a guy who she was attracted to, & prioritized enjoying herself at the cost of betraying you'.

 

You sound like you have a lot if dignity and have handled this the right way...I agree with another poster that you should not take ownership of any bad feelings and what he is experiencing right now. Rght now, in fact, it should

just be you concentrating on what is best for you.

[imagine]

Hi again Floridapad,

 

I wish you would keep on the same post.

 

It is quite normal for a WS to go into depression after an affair. Remember, the affair IS a drug and she is missing her oxytocin. She will remain withdrawn for a couple of weeks before settling down to normal.

 

These affairs beg questions. 1 Of you personality. 2 Of her trustworthiness 3 Of your marriage. You need to find the answers for your own satisfaction.

 

1. The major thing about you is whether you are meeting her emotional needs. This does not prevent affairs but does help marriages.

2. She has corrupted the marriage through her actions, will she ever be trustworthy again. Find out what a POJA is on the Marriage Builder articles site. This can help a great deal.

3. Marriage is a union of two people and is strengthened as each person comes closer to God. Rest assured, Satan stepped in and she did not yield to temptation.

 

All of us can be tempted. Do you want to restore your marriage? The decision is yours. You may never get complete resolution to this event. Recovery is MUCH harder than divorce.

 

Christ laid down his life to restore him to us. He did this once, no second chances for those who turn away.

 

You need to to tell her that you want to rebuild

[floridapad]

I had a looong conversation with the wife last night. She told me EVERYTHING. She told me things I didn't know (and I thought I knew alot) she told me things she knew would make me angry. She let the truth all out.

She let me know that she seperated from me because of HIM and not simply because her and I were incompatible (which is what she used as an excuse). She let me know they continued to see each other. She did admit she stopped contact with him for a month after her affair was exposed to her family but that HE reiinitiated contact on her birthday by giving her flowers and opened the whole thing up again. My God the truth feels good (for the moment). She admitted so much about herself. There was so much that was said I can't even write it all but her eyes are definately OPEN to what she did, why she did it and to the fact the guy was a complete liar and she was so week and will pay for her weekness for the rest of her life. The truth feels so good.

 

We talked breifely about why she walked into this. I let her know I took her for granted throughout the last 5 or 6 years of the marriage and I let her know I should have done better. She cried at this and said she saw all the changes I made over the last year and a half but she was already in the affair and was too week to pull out and this is something she needs to work on. She did not use me as an excuse for her affair, she took responsibility for EVERYTHING.

 

Exposure is a must in these cases. An absolute must. When he knew I was finally going to expose it to his wife he began to turn on my wife. This whole exposure thing (as painful as it was) worked out about as well as it could. WoW there were so many dynamics to me busting up this affair and deep emotional attachment the two had.

 

Where do I go from here?? I don't know. I need to see REAL personal growth from her at a spiritual level. If she doesn't get in touch with her spiritual side again and repent I could NEVER be with her again. We did not talk about reconciliation nor will I. I'm going to give her space for a few weeks (LC) be friendly and not talk about this. She is iin alot of pain and feels enormous guilt at the realizations she is now coming to. She has hit rock bottom.

 

Where do I go from here? I don't know? Alot of self reflection?

 

Thank you all for listening to my story.

[imagine]

If you want her, do not walk away from her now.

 

Revelation is most definitely part of the healing process. Forgive her, but establish boundaries. There must never be a next time. Did you read up about the Policy Of Joint Agreement in the Marriage Builders site articles? (This site is free)

 

Build a new marriage. Tell her that you love her and want to recommit to her. As you say, she needs to understand the importance of spirituality within the marriage. She has offended God by her behaviour. She needs to see His mercy through your actions.

[floridapad]

Imagine -

 

I have gone through marriage builders and it is a good site. I want to give this a little more time before. She has not openly said she wants to recommit to the marriage and I don't want to be the first one to say it. She needs to come back to me but this is a huge first step. I let her know how much I appreciated her telling me the truth even though she knew it might anger me. I don't want to make it easy by telling her, here I am lets get back together. Actions right now are the most important thing. She is texting me today with more info. I mentioned to her about the spirituality thing. I told her that it is up to her but as she is putting the pieces of herself back together the spirituality piece would be the glue. I also told a friend that in order for me to take her back this was one of these things I needed to see. ( I knew this friend would tell my wife). It is still along road. She invited me over to her parents house for dinner but I told her I had plans (she was VERY curious as to what they were but I didn't address it. She knows I have been dating). There is still a bit of a game going on but I put my arm around her and hers around me and we walked and talked awhile. Still a very delicate balance.

[PWSX3]

If she is wanting to work on the relationship & come back I would be waiting for the words; I'm joining this class, I'm taking this class, I've started going back to church, etc. etc.

 

Make a list of the things "you" feel you need in a partner and then see if she will fulfill those.

Like they said today in church; you don't need someone in your life to make you happy, you need someone in your life to make you happier then what it is.

 

Your spouse needs to show you what she is doing, not tell you how sorry she was or tell you what she is going to do....

 

Your marriage took a long time to get to this point & it's going to take a long time to build the trust & build a "NEW" relationship.....

[JaneDoe35]

That is amazing Floridapad. It seems that you are in a very good position. I feel that with time and more space you two could really make it. Not back to the old relationship but to a new & improved one. There is obviously a whole lot of love there.

 

You are doing so well, it is still a bit of a game but I can see so many positives....the fact that she opened up so much to you is telling.

[singledad2]

Floridapad,

 

Sorry I have been out of it for awhile, but you are up to date with me. I missed a bunch. I can't add anything to the advice given here, since I have never been where you are. Just wanted to ping and say you have a lot of chips to play. Good luck to you.

[seibert253]

Wow Florida, great job.

 

Only bit of advice I have, I think you're already there, is to be there for her WHEN SHE COMES TO YOU, but also remain slightly distant.

 

The not going to dinner was right on the money.

[boldjack]

FP, If there are still "games", being played, then she isn't at "rock bottom", she is still feeding you bits and pieces of info, to see your reaction. You need to be strong, and don't believe a word she says, without proof!!

[floridapad]

Boldjack

 

Excellent point. Maybe she hasn't hit rock bottom. I am trying so hard not to say "let's make this work" but I know she needs to be the one to say that. The "games" I think at this point are on my side. As for her she has told me alot of things that she KNEW would make me angry. She is coming out with the truth because she wants to repair the trust issues she knows I have. I am a human lie detector when it comes to her (something I picked up over the last year). I can't keep telling her I don't believe her when she is telling me things I haven't heard before. She needs to know I appreciate her telling me the truth. If I don't throw her a little bone then she will say "he will never trust me...Whats the point in trying to repair something that seems unrepairable from his side"..And then she will give up. She needs to fight for me but I need to give her a bone every now and then. I wish I had a game plan right now. I had one that worked very well but I never really thought I would have gotten this far this quickly with her. For her to tell me everything was unexpected. For her to tell me the reason she left the marriage was because of the OM and that she was week and stupid and etc. etc. was TOTALLY unexpected at this point.

 

I don't know what to do now. My game plan did not contemplate this far ahead. Exposure was a wonderful thing.

Edited October 26, 2009 by floridapad

[floridapad]

OK. Thought I would give everyone an update..Wife tells me again she hates the OM and she is going through hellish realizations. She cry's everytime the affair pops up which is something she never did before.

 

She says she still has strong feelings for him and the affair and is working to get past them and when she does she wants to focus 1000% on me and possible reconciliation. For some reason I should be happy but I'm tired and exhausted from this exposure incident. There has been no reprecussions as of yet.

 

Exposure worked wonders for breaking up the A but for me it set me back in my desire to reconcile with the W because it just brought up the past. Anger came back although not as bad. I think in my mind I have been fighting too much for the marriage and not enough fighting for myself. Now she says" when I'm over this guy I want to make it work" huh?? It's her turn to fight. But we have turned a corner.

[cyabye]

I understand your "excitement" of seeing all this turn around. But you MUST detach emotionally and "think" with your "brain". I do not think she has hit rock bottom. PERIOD. You busted up their little affair. She would not be like this if it wasn't for you telling the OM's wife.

 

Some things you need to consider here my friend. I tell you this as I went through it myself multiple times before I said "ENOUGH".

 

1. She had an affair while married to you and her OM is married too.

2. Where are her morals (if any)?

3. She had no intention of EVER reconciling with you before the exposure.

4. She made you the "bad guy" (remember the loss of appetite and sleepless nights?).

5. Your wife let another man penetrate her willingly (and loved ever minute of it) at the expense of your marriage.

6. She clearly states she has "feelings" for him still.

7. Her possible reconciling with you is NOT her primary plan. You are the guy on the "back burner". The "go to guy" or fall back guy" when she 'effs" up.

8. You are nothing more than a security blanket.

9. She will always think of him while with you as you are not her first choice.

10. She is a cold hearted liar.

11. She will do it again. She is capable and willing and if you take her back, she will feel like you always be there (i.e. doormat).

12. She wants to reconcile after she is over him? WTF is that? Ummm NO!

 

You need to "see her" for what she is is. By watching her actions. Do not believe a word she says. If I were you and I did this already, I would tell her "sorry you got your heart broken but how is this my problem?" I'd leave her alone FOREVER. Let her deal with what she did. She is not crying from what she did to you. She is crying for getting her "little heart broken". Remember that. I would divorce her and move on with eager excitement that you don't have to deal with this abuse again from her. You will NEVER trust her like before again. Is that who you want to grow old with? Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

[trippi1432]

I understand your "excitement" of seeing all this turn around. But you MUST detach emotionally and "think" with your "brain". I do not think she has hit rock bottom. PERIOD. You busted up their little affair. She would not be like this if it wasn't for you telling the OM's wife.

 

Some things you need to consider here my friend. I tell you this as I went through it myself multiple times before I said "ENOUGH".

 

1. She had an affair while married to you and her OM is married too.

2. Where are her morals (if any)?

3. She had no intention of EVER reconciling with you before the exposure.

4. She made you the "bad guy" (remember the loss of appetite and sleepless nights?).

5. Your wife let another man penetrate her willingly (and loved ever minute of it) at the expense of your marriage.

6. She clearly states she has "feelings" for him still.

7. Her possible reconciling with you is NOT her primary plan. You are the guy on the "back burner". The "go to guy" or fall back guy" when she 'effs" up.

8. You are nothing more than a security blanket.

9. She will always think of him while with you as you are not her first choice.

10. She is a cold hearted liar.

11. She will do it again. She is capable and willing and if you take her back, she will feel like you always be there (i.e. doormat).

12. She wants to reconcile after she is over him? WTF is that? Ummm NO!

 

You need to "see her" for what she is is. By watching her actions. Do not believe a word she says. If I were you and I did this already, I would tell her "sorry you got your heart broken but how is this my problem?" I'd leave her alone FOREVER. Let her deal with what she did. She is not crying from what she did to you. She is crying for getting her "little heart broken". Remember that. I would divorce her and move on with eager excitement that you don't have to deal with this abuse again from her. You will NEVER trust her like before again. Is that who you want to grow old with? Hope this helps.

 

cyabye

 

 

I think that I have to agree with cyabye as well on this one. I haven't been able to expose my ex on an outright affair as of yet, but he moved on to another woman pretty quickly after we split. I don't think that either of us could trust the other anymore, not after this....trust and love are the commitment, you have to have both. Think really hard on this so you don't get hurt again.

[mark982]

so basically she's saying you choice #2, she's not showing you no sorrow,or remorse. it's still all about her. move on,with her attitude it's only a matter of time before she does it again.

[tojaz]

 

1.Wife tells me again she hates the OM and she is going through hellish realizations.

HOW CAN THESE TWO STATEMENTS BE FOR THE SAME PERSON?

She says she still has strong feelings for him and the affair

 

2. I think in my mind I have been fighting too much for the marriage and not enough fighting for myself.

TRUE

 

3. Now she says" when I'm over this guy I want to make it work"

 

If that last statement dosen't insult an infuriate you, then I have to refer you to #2. Protect your integrity man, she betrayed you, if shes going to reconcile and devote herself to you 1000%, she needs to be willing to walk through hell for you and not when shes over her boy toy, or when shes ready, but NOW!

TOJAZ

If that

[hopesndreams]

You have such a long way to go. Will it be worth it in the end? Time will tell.