Exposure is complete What next??

[Gunny376]

Oh no, no, no my dear friend.

 

"When I'm over the OM, I want to make this work?"

 

You've done good, and all the right and necessary things that you should have done. (Somehow that just doesn't sound right does it?)

 

You engaged the enemy, have caused hell, hate, havoc, and discontent in his camp, cut his supply line and lines of reinforcement ~ and now you want to halt the attack when victory is near? (Sorry for the military analogy ~ just the way I think after twenty + years in the Marines)

 

You tell her, "If YOU even think for a fraction of a second that you want to save this marriage, you had best get to working your way back to me and into it!"

 

Not when you "feel" like it! Because the window of opportunity is closing fast here for you (and you've said as much)

 

Seems to me? She doesn't want to talk about it?

 

Seems to me? She just wants to turn her pretty head and walkaway.

 

Seems to me? She clue herself into the reality of the situation.

 

This is just more and more of the same old double standard some WAW's use.

 

A man cheats on his wife ~ its his fault!

 

A woman cheats on her husband ~ its still his fault!

Edited November 3, 2009 by Gunny376

[HarmonyHope]

" I cannot guarantee that she will not go crazy after your wife and your kids if she identifies her. In fact, my biggest preocupation is her mental health, in addition to her physical health. She has esquizofrenia in her genes. Her aunt died crazy, and her father has been on psiquiatric medications for many years. She has had a couple of very scary episodios. Today her ginecologist ordered her to have a biopsy (she is waiting now for the person who schedule the biopsies to contact her). What she has has grown and does not look good. She is scared."

 

Wow, so he's asking you not tell his wife because his W is crazy AND dying. (And he can't spell). Classy guy.

 

I hate to agree with the others, but I'm not seeing that your W is invested in the M. It seems like you're the default choice rather than the real choice.

[floridapad]

WOW,

 

Thank you all for the responses. They keep me grounded. I have access to all her e-mail accounts (w/o her knowledge) and saw the breakup occurring a couple of months prior to exposure. The affair was beginning to die it's natural death, but exposure really squashed it and exposed the other man as a complete cake eater, and manipulator. She is defogging and seeing this but not all the way there.

 

My wife is going through withdrawal and defogging and she says she "claims" she needs a little time to heal. She also knows/thinks I'm dating and might possibly lose me to someone else but she claims to be emotionally exhausted and can't muster the strength to do anything this second. I beleive her.

 

She is remorseful and has apoligized through tears, apologized in letters and taken COMPLETE responsibility for her actions with NO excuses. Never blamed me for a thing. My wife has become a person she doesn't know.

 

BTW, my wife told me the other day the guy hides behind poles, cars whatever he can find to avoid ANY contact with my wife at work (which is a school).

 

What am I thinking in all this? I do love her unconditionally. There is so much history between us, three young children, in laws that have mutual love for me and her, friends, etc etc. I want this all to work again, but I just don't know if I can get past it. SHE is going to need to give it her all and right now she is trying to repair herself and I am trying to repair myself.

 

Thanks for listening and the feedback. It helps a ton.

[HarmonyHope]

My wife is going through withdrawal and defogging and she says she "claims" she needs a little time to heal. She also knows/thinks I'm dating and might possibly lose me to someone else but she claims to be emotionally exhausted and can't muster the strength to do anything this second. I beleive her.

 

I totally believe this. Especially if she thought she was in love with the guy. BUT - just because she realizes the OM is not a nice guy and that the A is really over doesn't mean she has or is even able to make the decision as to whether she wants to come back into the marriage or not. It may be (given all she has been through) that she really isn't sure what she wants. And it's possible she wants you to wait around while she figures that out. It might be worth saving the wondering whether you can get over her affair until after she decides (by words and action) for sure that she wants to save the marriage. Just food for thought.

Edited November 3, 2009 by HarmonyHope

[floridapad]

HarmonyHope - Thank you for the response. Can you clarify what you mean below. Just curious. Thanks

 

"And it's possible she wants you to wait around while she figures that out. It might be worth saving the wondering whether you can get over her affair until after she decides (by words and action) for sure that she wants to save the marriage. "

 

I was thinking of sending her an e-mail that asked her to make a choice to save the marriage or not because I don't want to wait for her to make a decision while she gets over the A only to decide she doesn't want the M.

I would tell her to make a choice for the M and no choice is the same as saying "no". But..I would also ackonwledge that she can't "give" emotionally to the M 1000% right now because she is emotionally exhausted and doesn't have the emotional energy for anything right now. Not sure whether I should do the choice thng now or wait throught he holidays. I guess I'm a bit impatient because I am emotionally invested right now and don't want to be in limbo land waiting for a "choice".

[boldjack]

OP, do you see where this is leading? She was the cheater, but you are the one making excuses for her. If she is "emotionally exhausted", then she really isn't into the marriage, and is just keeping you around until she has "recovered", and all of her tearful apologies are just more lies. She knows you and is pushing all of the right buttons, to get you to stay and not make demands on her. You are the one to make a decision, either you accept your role as the Cuckold, or you man-up and DEMAND The rights and respect due you as her husband. No waiting for her to "heal", as the betrayed party, your needs come first, last and always. If she will not agree, she is history.

[sumdude]

I agree with the others. Right now she's playing on your compassion. You actually sound sorry for her and her 'emotional exhaustion'.. well she made her bed. You are the wronged party. Stay firm, you've been doing great. That doesn't mean you should be spiteful or vengeful. Fact is she either wants to be your wife 100% or not. There is no grey area in a marriage.

 

She'll have to move a mountain to prove herself to you now. IF she's willing it's right into marriage counseling otherwise you'll probably have to pull the trigger on the D paperwork

Edited November 3, 2009 by sumdude

[floridapad]

Sumdude - I feel sorry for her, me, the children, our families. Do I have compassion for her and the hell she is in right now. Yes, in a way (I also have anger), but I also KNOW and have told her she is the one that created it. She knows. That is why she is getting hit so hard. I am the wronged party and she will have to fight like hell and make the same changes I did in order for me to accept her back, should that occur. I love her unconditionally which is why I have compassion for her, but that doesn't mean I want the marriage if she doesn't make the changes I need or come back to the marriage with one toe in and one toe out. She knows this.

 

Boldjack - I know she is the cheater, she knows she is the cheater, there is NO disputing that. No she is not in the marriage right now and I'm not 100% sure I am. Thanks for the cuckold comment :-). I guess I see it a little differently. If I was a pussy I could have filed for divorce immediately and moved on. The easy way out in my view. For me, I need to know I did EVERYTHING to keep this family alive. I had many errors in my ways in the past and she was always giving and loving until the last 2-3 years. I guess I need to atone for my missteps in a way. Yes I know she is the cheater and she will need to show me through MASSIVE action that she has changed. I NEED this from her to heal ME and walk back into the marriage with out getting the feeling I am a cuckold pussy. I get that.

[HarmonyHope]

HarmonyHope - Thank you for the response. Can you clarify what you mean below. Just curious. Thanks

 

"And it's possible she wants you to wait around while she figures that out. It might be worth saving the wondering whether you can get over her affair until after she decides (by words and action) for sure that she wants to save the marriage. "

 

I was thinking of sending her an e-mail that asked her to make a choice to save the marriage or not because I don't want to wait for her to make a decision while she gets over the A only to decide she doesn't want the M.

I would tell her to make a choice for the M and no choice is the same as saying "no". But..I would also ackonwledge that she can't "give" emotionally to the M 1000% right now because she is emotionally exhausted and doesn't have the emotional energy for anything right now. Not sure whether I should do the choice thng now or wait throught he holidays. I guess I'm a bit impatient because I am emotionally invested right now and don't want to be in limbo land waiting for a "choice".

 

It sounds like you understand perfectly. She hasn't decided. You decreased the number of options on the table by exposing the affair (at least for now - some people resume when things calm down), but she did not have this epiphany moment wherein she decided that she wholeheartedly wanted her M. She wants to wallow in self-pity for a while and worse yet, she wants you to hold her hand through it. No dice. She doesn't have the emotional energy for the M because it's still all tied up in the OM.

 

She's grieving a loss and the fact that its a loss she set herself up for doesn't make it hurt any less. The bottom line is that she's investing her energy in mourning rather than the M. Maybe that will change over time. Who knows how long that will be, if it ever occurs. You should probably decide what your limits are for staying in limbo, what you can tolerate emotionally and stick to it. You have to look out for you, because she isn't in a position to do that right now.

 

You mentioned earlier that you aren't sure whether you can get over the A or not, if you reconcile. Worrying about that now is kinda putting the cart before the horse when she hasn't really decided to try to save the marriage yet. Your answer to that question will be a whole lot easier to answer once she decided to show her investment in the M.

[HarmonyHope]

I guess I see it a little differently. If I was a pussy I could have filed for divorce immediately and moved on. The easy way out in my view.

 

I don't know. In many respects I really think divorce is harder. It would mean giving up time with your kids, financial resources, the family home, a sense of marital identity. It also seems to me that the cheatee often avoids filing for divorce because then it would put the responsibility for the legal demise of the marriage at their feet, rather than that of the cheater.

[boldjack]

OP, you missed my point. I'm saying that YOU have the choice. If you want to allow your wife to do this to you and are OK with her lies and evasions, that's one thing. If you want to take control of YOUR life, that is quite another. A cuckold accepts his spouses cheating and makes excuses for her and takes the blame on himself. A man demands atonement, allows her NO "healing", or no "emotional exhaustion", he refuses to compromise the marriage for her continued lies and disrespect. You need , for your own self-respect, to allow her nothing, except complete committment to YOU. Not tomorrow, not next week, NOW!!!

[sumdude]

Right now the path is indifference... sounds impossible right? But it's what you have to do for yourself. Carry on with your life, make yourself as happy as possible regardless of what she does. Have some timetable at least in your head for how long you are willing to wait but don't bring it up. Don't get dragged into her personal drama... give her space and lots of it. This is for your own good. You need to find out for yourself how life might be without her. The ball is in her court, you've done everything so far now it's all up to her. As far as the M? Don't talk about it, don't think about it (if you can help it). Play golf, go out with buddies, go fishing.. whatever you like to do for yourself.

 

Remember you don't need her, you may think you still want her but you're not even sure about that anymore.

[HarmonyHope]

Right now the path is indifference... sounds impossible right? But it's what you have to do for yourself. Carry on with your life, make yourself as happy as possible regardless of what she does. Have some timetable at least in your head for how long you are willing to wait but don't bring it up. Don't get dragged into her personal drama... give her space and lots of it. This is for your own good. You need to find out for yourself how life might be without her. The ball is in her court, you've done everything so far now it's all up to her. As far as the M? Don't talk about it, don't think about it (if you can help it). Play golf, go out with buddies, go fishing.. whatever you like to do for yourself.

 

Remember you don't need her, you may think you still want her but you're not even sure about that anymore.

 

Excellent post.

[floridapad]

HarmonyHope - That is a great snapshot of the situation right now. You put my thoughts into words better than I could. There is a point where I will need to force a decision but I don't think this second is that time. She needs to focus her energy elsewhere and not on the OM which she will try to do for now. The holiday break from school will give her alot of distance from the OM which should help.

 

Theres a void right now and I will slowly try to fill it but there is a point where I am going to drop the D papers just to have her snap out of it. Probably a couple of months once the holidays are past. If she doesn't make a choice by then and show massive action then I will emotionally move forward. I won't be able to accept going back into the marriage unless there is massive action on her part. Not tip toeing through the tulips. I need that for my self respect. I know my wife. When she wants something she will fight like Hell to get it. If I don't see that then I'm done. I think D papers will be the only way.

 

Thanks for your valuable insight.

[HarmonyHope]

Theres a void right now and I will slowly try to fill it but there is a point where I am going to drop the D papers just to have her snap out of it. Probably a couple of months once the holidays are past. If she doesn't make a choice by then and show massive action then I will emotionally move forward. I won't be able to accept going back into the marriage unless there is massive action on her part. Not tip toeing through the tulips. I need that for my self respect. I know my wife. When she wants something she will fight like Hell to get it. If I don't see that then I'm done. I think D papers will be the only way.

 

I'm not sure if you meant this the way it comes across - but let me please caution you against using D papers as a bargaining chip. I firmly believe that filing for D just to get a reaction out of her is manipulative and likely to backfire. If you find yourself at a point where you are really truly willing to let the relationship go, then perhaps its time. In the meantime, live your life. Show her that you can live just fine with or without her. (In fact, show yourself that too!) You do not need to hold her hand through this. She got into the relationship with OM on her own, and she can deal with it on her own. Your #1 priority has to be healing yourself and being there for your kids. It's good that you have a time limit in mind for yourself. At least then you know you'll be able to move on one way or another in the near future.

[floridapad]

BlackJack - I will demand the rights I have as her husband but for me, I think the timing is in a month or two. Forcing an ultimatum at this moment would not work for me or her.

 

Sumdude - The path of indifference is what I was on, unfortuantely this exposure incident sucked me back in. Your right. I need to get back on that path. DEmanding my rights as Blackjack said will happen but I think I am going to give it a couple of months and let things settle down and be indifferent and not bring up the A. God knows I have brought up the A over and over.

 

HarmonyHope - I would not use the D papers as a bargaining chip. I will not file until I know in my heart I have done everything I could to keep this family alive and have a loving relationship with my adulterous W :-). She got into the mess and she will have to get out of it but if she extends a hand I will not slap it away.

 

We have been seperated for 6 months now. It sucks

[2.50 a gallon]

Floridapad

 

First off let me say, that forgiving and forgetting in a broken relationship is not my thing. I dumped my wife at her first transgression and was gone.

But that is me!

 

Also understand that almost all of us on this board also lost our wives, some tried, some did not, we are in the losing section, so when taking our advise add a grain of salt.

 

In trying to put on your shoes, it appears that you have made great progress toward your goal. She has shown remorse and apologized, this is a step in the right direction, some on this board would have killed to have made this far. I also agree that she has not hit rock bottom, but she has turned toward you, whether it is a safe fall back position for her remains uncertain.

 

Again, trying to see it from your P.O.V, I can see that she might need time and space to find her way back to you. You can't force her with ultimatums of now. I think that could be viewed as too controlling. If she crosses that bridge to you on her own, your future relationship could be that more stronger, than if you force the issue.

 

Love is not a lightswitch, you can turn on and off at will. Sometimes it takes awhile for the old bulb to cool off before it is safe to replace it with your new bulb.

 

You mention waiting until after the holidays, seems to be a good idea. Make it one of the best holidays in years, and she might see what she almost lost. It is something that you want, so go for it.

 

But again, this is advice from the losing section, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

Gallon

[floridapad]

2.50

 

Excellent insight and advice and I definately see where you are coming from.

 

I spoke to Jennifer Harley (Marriage building coach from "marriage builders.com" ) last night and it was the best $200 I ever spent. Helped address some of my personal issues with the holidays coming up (giver taker stuff which makes complete sense after she explained it with real life situations) and came up with a plan for reconciliation on my terms.

 

She said to Plan A her, send her a letter outlining points I want in the marrriage that will make us both happy (which she layed out with me) and came up with a plan to get there.

 

I do have a feeling that she is going to need D papers to push her over the top, but I will only file those when I'm ready to truly walk and not to get her back. This is fragile and patience is the rule of the day. Not just for her to sort through things but me as well.

[floridapad]

OK Here is my plan and I would love to know what people think.

 

She has been remorseful (but I still don't fully trust it yet), she has indicated she wants to focus on me when she has sorted through her feelings of the affair and the turmoil she has created. (two weeks since NC with OM) She said she has no intention of ever having contact with him again but is not willing to write a NC letter to the guy. They are both teachers at the same school so unfortunately they see each other during dismissals but have no need for business contact. Thats my sitch Here is my plan.

 

- Plan A through the holidays - Have great holidays don't bring up the affair. I have been throwing it in her face WAY too much every time we talk (for the last 6 months). She said she fears this is what life would be like if she came back. So Plan A. Avoid love busters for a month during withdrawal and then work on emotional needs for myself and her. Send her a Plan A letter and do it.

 

- If she is not willing to write the NC letter by January I will plan B her and start moving on competely for myself and emotionally prep for Plan D. I will go dark as night with a new moon. If she doesn't 1000% committ to NC and write the letter by April. I will go to plan D (which is not a plan but a reality) and drop the papers.

 

She needs to feel some pain and for my self respect I need to know she is 1000% committed to NC for life and writes the letter several months BEFORE the end of the school year. It would be too easy to committ once the school year is over. I need that action.

 

If she write the letter she will have decided to come back to me which will put us into plan R (reconciliation). If she doesn't prescribe to a marriage rebuilding plan, repent to God (confession, we are Catholic) then I will not accept her back and the D will continue to proceed.

 

Thats it. Thats all myself can handle. Once Plan B goes into affect I will likely begin dating again. I stopped for now.

[HarmonyHope]

Assuming that she is truly NC with OM, what would be the point in writing a NC letter several months from now? It might actually invite him to contact her by way of response to the NC letter. I am concerned about her unwillingness to write the letter right now since she's supposedly already in NC mode. My guess is that she isn't actually NC and she isn't willing to sever the relationship completely just yet.

 

Has she looked in to getting a job elsewhere to make the chance of contact with him even more remote? What is she doing (not just saying) to show you she's committed to trying to fix the marriage?

 

Personally, I'd be looking for proof that they're still in contact. It's bad enough that she's asking you to wait around while she grieves a relationship with another man, worse stilll if that relationship isn't truly completely over - and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

[floridapad]

Harmony Hope,

 

I wouldn't want her to send the letter...Just write it for herself, her mind and her heart but not send it. This letter would be the committment to full NC and not just "I have no intentions". She cannot leave the workplace right now but rest assured I will not be around another school year should they both return next year. If he returns and she doesn't want to leave the workplace then I will be finished. If she cannot committ 1000% and write an NC letter for herself after I have gone dark for several months, then I am done with the marriage in my mind.

 

I need to Plan A her though for a month or two. I have been beating her up about the affair (rightly so..and she says the same) for over 6 months now. I can't stop bringing it up....of course I reminded her it was still going on, which she understood.

 

As far as proof of NC. I have access to her e-mail accounts, phone accounts etc, without her knowledge. If it happens I will know. It has not yet happened.

[boldjack]

FP, I would be very careful about putting too much trust in Counselors or self-help books, If I were you. After all: 1) it is in their best interest for you to stay married, 2) they aren't married to your wife, you are. Trust your own judgement on this, don't abdicate your responsibility to a stranger. You are in charge. You must be satisfied with her actions. You must decide whether you can ever trust her again. You must decide if she is even worth having as a wife. It's ALL about you. Take ALL advice with a grain of salt (even mine). For myself, I could never live with a woman , who disrespected me, showed that she really doesn't love me, and is still putting her AP first. Your wife has shown you NOTHING concrete, so far, to give you any reason to keep her. But I completely disagree with being "patient", You must have her decision , NOW!!!!!! She must choose between you , NOW!! And she must be totally transparent, NOW!!! For your own self-respect, you should not give her one minute to think about the OM,mourn, closure, whatever. Take control. Make demands. She will see anything else as a sign of weakness. Man-up. It's your ONLY chance.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK. Thought I would give everyone an update..Wife tells me again she hates the OM and she is going through hellish realizations. She cry's everytime the affair pops up which is something she never did before.

 

She says she still has strong feelings for him and the affair and is working to get past them and when she does she wants to focus 1000% on me and possible reconciliation. For some reason I should be happy but I'm tired and exhausted from this exposure incident. There has been no reprecussions as of yet.

 

Exposure worked wonders for breaking up the A but for me it set me back in my desire to reconcile with the W because it just brought up the past. Anger came back although not as bad. I think in my mind I have been fighting too much for the marriage and not enough fighting for myself. Now she says" when I'm over this guy I want to make it work" huh?? It's her turn to fight. But we have turned a corner.

 

Not sure I would want my W back because the A was exposed or becuase the AP is now gone. IDK - I still feel love for my STBXW, who knows what I would do?????

[floridapad]

Boldjack,

 

I agree with everything you are saying and I am trying not to lose sight of "giving in" too much to get her back because I know that won't work for me in the long run. It IS about me. The MB counselor did talk about making sure I was doing this for me and MY long term happiness. She helped develop the plan but left the timing up to me.

 

As far as greiving closure etc etc. I guess my thoughts are that I'll let her grieve a bit but I will not wait for closure with OM. I will force that issue, because that could never come.

 

I know I will be able to develop trust over time in the sense that she wouldn't cheat again. That is not the trust I am concerned about because she has been through Hell and back and I made sure of that. It's the trust of her feelings towards me and that she is not in touch with herself or that she may not recognize that LT relationships take work and communication.

 

Second marriages fail at a rate even higher than first ones. I want to try to make this first one work because God only knows what the second one would be like with no shared family holding things together.

[sumdude]

 

Second marriages fail at a rate even higher than first ones. I want to try to make this first one work because God only knows what the second one would be like with no shared family holding things together.

 

I don't put too much credence into those statistics. Consider the fact that half the people getting remarried are the ones who broke up the first marriage and that would account for the higher probabilities IMO.