Exposure is complete What next??

[NoIDidn't]

No, I really think she is going.

 

How hard would it be for FP to contact her at her sister's...?

presumably, after this long a marriage, he knows how to contact his SiL.....

 

She needs some kind of neutral territory to be able to distance herself from BOTH scenarios to clear her head....and maybe her sister will be just the person she needs to say -

"WTF are you thinking - ?!?"

 

On the other hand, she could equally be the person to say -

"Aw, sis... follow your heart...if FP doesn't fit any more, cut the ties....."

 

FP...Really, you need to stop the mind games, the moves, the calculations and the tactics.

The only question you need to ask yourself right now is...

 

"Is this anxiety worth living with for the rest of my life?

How much do I really want this?"

 

ITA with this post. I think its time to tell the wife that you have had access to her email account without her knowledge. It could be against the law. But most of all, you're asking something of her that you aren't giving her yourself - complete honestly.

 

I think the trip abroad will be good for her.

 

I also really liked 2.5 gallon's story. Most people would agree with it.

 

I read somewhere once that a marriage is usually better five years out, if you are patient with it.

 

I disagree that she is keeping you in position #2 just because she hasn't said that she wants the marriage. Everyone married knows that there are always going to be days that you don't want to choose your mate, but you do it anyway. Her tears to me show that she realizes what she was doing and what she has to lose. But of course, this is just my opinion.

 

(Nice to *meet* you FP, BTW)

[floridapad]

FL98 - It is all over the internet. It's loaded. Too much to post here. But having said that I will take my fare share of the blame for my wife's low self esteem in the marriage. I did not do enough to meet her emotional needs even though she was always there for me. I had many failures in my marriage even though I was a good person. I recognize that, but NO, that in no way justifies adultery. That is a choice.

 

No I don't-- No I won't (sorry couldn't help the rhyme) tell her about the PW's. Back in the beginning of all this the ONLY way I could ever trust what she said was if she said it to a friend in private. What she tells me in my mind) is words but what she tells a friend is honesty. It has helped me build a bit of trust back for some of her words today. Once all of her words sync up then I will have no more use for her PW's. It is the only truth I can trust right now. BTW Nice to meet you to. Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

[NoIDidn't]

FL98 - It is all over the internet. It's loaded. Too much to post here. But having said that I will take my fare share of the blame for my wife's low self esteem in the marriage. I did not do enough to meet her emotional needs even though she was always there for me. I had many failures in my marriage even though I was a good person. I recognize that, but NO, that in no way justifies adultery. That is a choice.

 

I know this wasn't to me, but I thought it was relevant to what you are feeling right now. A lot of the men in this thread are swearing that they couldn't take her back. But here you are saying that she has ALWAYS been there for you, but you haven't always been there for her. I know that in no way justifies an affair, but it bares consideration in the outcome of what you two are experiencing right now.

 

Remember that this is the first and ONLY time that you have ever known her to do something like this. That says a lot about her. Sure, the affair was a choice. But haven't you also made many choices in the course of your marriage that weren't exactly mutually beneficial as well?

 

I'm just getting into your story, so I can't say much more than that. I would just hate to see you throw away what has been a decent marriage up until now over a silver tongued married slime that managed to manipulate a woman who already was vulnerable and suffered from low self esteem. She made a choice, but I don't think that included being played for a fool. She is getting over having played that fool. Not so much whatever feelings she had (that she now realizes were all based on lies).

 

No I don't-- No I won't (sorry couldn't help the rhyme) tell her about the PW's. Back in the beginning of all this the ONLY way I could ever trust what she said was if she said it to a friend in private. What she tells me in my mind) is words but what she tells a friend is honesty. It has helped me build a bit of trust back for some of her words today. Once all of her words sync up then I will have no more use for her PW's. It is the only truth I can trust right now. BTW Nice to meet you to. Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

 

Ha. Ha. LOL. But its Didn't not Don't. LOL. Betcha can't find a rhyme for didn't. LOL.

 

I hope you reconsider at some point. I used to keep a diary. In it I was brutally honest with myself. My H read my diary. It almost killed him to see my private thoughts. He didn't think he could trust me to tell him the truth anymore. I didn't quite no what to tell him because if he hadn't violated my sacred book, he would've spared himself the pain.

 

My point is, she might share something with a friend that you really shouldn't know. But since you have her passwords, you might find it out and end up doubting her when it wasn't your place to read ALL of her email. Know if/when she contacts the exMM, or he contacts her - but the rest should be off-limits, IMO.

 

I must disclose that I have all of my H's passwords too. Some I figured out, some he gave me. But he knows what I have. And when I feel a little insecure or wobbly in the trust department, I tell him when I want to check and he shows me right on the spot (no time to delete or hide things that way).

 

I hope things work out. I think the time away for her will do her AND you a great deal of good. It did when my H left the country too!

[FeelingLonely98]

I must disclose that I have all of my H's passwords too. Some I figured out, some he gave me. But he knows what I have. And when I feel a little insecure or wobbly in the trust department, I tell him when I want to check and he shows me right on the spot (no time to delete or hide things that way).

 

A smart "cheater" would have the email account with the shared PW to show the BS and a secret email account that you do not share the PW.

Only the OM/OW knows of this account. Right?

[floridapad]

I just spoke with the wife about everything again. What a release. She listened to everything. She didn't give me the "I don't want to talk about it" thing. I let her inside my world right after first discover. She cried and apologized. I think she actually felt it for the first time. WOW that felt good. I let it all out and she took it all.

 

I saw a small piece of the woman I once knew......I'm still staying on my guard though.....

 

Thank you all for listening....

[FeelingLonely98]

I just spoke with the wife about everything again. What a release. She listened to everything. She didn't give me the "I don't want to talk about it" thing. I let her inside my world right after first discover. She cried and apologized. I think she actually felt it for the first time. WOW that felt good. I let it all out and she took it all.

 

I saw a small piece of the woman I once knew......I'm still staying on my guard though.....

 

Thank you all for listening....

 

This is great news fp. Is she still going thru with her plans to get away to Italy?

[65tr6]

We seperated 6 months ago the day I caught her seeing the OM....Again...We agreed to seperate and I left (yeah I know mistake).

 

ok, I take back what I said. That was a mistake. Sorry, I should have read your thread completely. Must have missed this info that you separated right after d-day.

 

Well, alteast now that you are together. You cannot love bust. Does not mean you cannot ask her about the affair. She needs to come clean, be very open and honest. She needs to know you have been hurt.

 

Yes the clock didnt start clicking until 3 weeks ago for several reasons...

 

1) she has not seen the changes you made, in person

2) you are not meeting her needs

3) you continue to love bust

4) she is in contact with OM

 

Looks like you know what to do now. Just remember, it is impossible to recover your marriage (assuming that is what you want) if she is away from you. You cannot separate from her now. Right now you are going through the lowest point in your marriage, you need both of you to get through this. She may not put in much in the marriage right now but you absolutely need her presence in your home.

[floridapad]

Haven't had much to say so I have updated my situation. Today is my wifes B-day and I couldn't resist sending her an e-mail. It may be a bit pussyish of me but what the heck. She is in Rome right now. Here is the e-mail and her responses below: Yeah Yeah I'm a pussy:

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I saw your pictures on of Rome on Facebook …Incredible…..I think it’s time for you to get a scooter… Have fun in Genoa. Found this poem.

 

Happily Ever After

On your birthday, special one,

I wish that all your dreams come true.

May your day be filled with joy,

Wonderful gifts and goodies, too.

On your day I wish for you

Favorite people to embrace,

Loving smiles and caring looks

That earthly gifts cannot replace.

I wish you fine and simple pleasures.

I wish you many years of laughter.

I wish you all of life’s best treasures.

I wish you happily ever after!

Happy Birthday

 

 

Her response

 

Hi! Thank you! That was sweet, you actually made me cry......NO MORE!

 

I hope you are doing ok with the kids and everything. I am leaving for Genoa this afternoon, Daniela is picking me up, It will be nice to see her. I'll try to call you guys from there, but I'll be back in Rome on Saturday.

 

Give the kids kisses from me....

 

Love,

(insert WAW's name here)

 

No big deal but it is the first time she has signed off with "Love (name) in about a year. I keep telling myself it means absolutely NOTHING because it does mean nothing. You have all educated me enough that actions speak louder than words. Damn I'm a pussy for sending er that poem.

[hopesndreams]

Hope it doesn't backfire on you. I don't care too much for her response. She could have wrote you something equally nice back, but didn't.

[seibert253]

Give the kids kisses from me....

 

Somehow "you" seems ommited from this.

 

Sorry, but I don't think she left you out by mistake.

[roseroserose]

I can relate to what your wife must be going through cause I'm in her shoes a bit. It's not exactly the same situation, I separated from my husband and afterwards started an (only sexual) affair with a married man. I stopped seeing the married man because I wanted to myself.

 

Your wife has disconnected from you emotionally. Why? That I don't know, I guess it must have happened while you were still together. She might say now that she left because of the affair, but I actually think that the emotional disconnect happened first, making it easier on her to start an affair. She left you during the affair because then the situation became intolerable. The affair might have stopped now, but the emotional disconnect with you must still be there.

 

A part of her still loves you, that I'm sure of, I still love my husband too, but because of this emotional disconnect from my side (which also happened before the affair) I find it hard to be around him. But on the other hand I find it difficult to divorce him too. I'm in limbo. I guess your wife is stuck there too.

 

Some suggestions: If you'd like her back, don't contact her. It might create some sympathy but in the end it will only irritate or annoy her, it might give her the feeling that she's being pushed, and because of that she will only withdraw more and more. My husband makes this mistake all the time and even though I want to give it some time to see if the emotional connection could grow again, he pushes me away more and more by doing this. So, don't send her anything sweet, don't call her, don't mail her. If she calls, be friendly but not too enthousiastic. Just make sure you're active, busy and fulfilled with your own life. If she finds a way back to you, and you want it, then you know it was because she wanted to.

[floridapad]

Seibert and Hopesand dreams - Thank you for keeping me grounded and putting things in persepctive.

 

Roseroserose - I truly value your insight because you are on the other side of all this. You are 100% correct and this is what I intend to do. It was her birthday and wanted to send her something nice but I know it probably only makes her feel guilty because she does love me but just can't find it inside of her to want to reconnect. I guess my views on this are different than hers. I feel that if a man can go through what he has gone through become indifferent to the outcome but stil be loving and caring then to me that is what love is about. It's a choice to want to reconnect. I'm curious. Why is it that when a man is still standing not blubbering anymore but regained his confidence and still shows love, why does that push the WAW away. Afterall here is a man who you love and accepts you for you. Accepts you to be who you want to be. Sure you can go fall "in love" again with plenty of fishes out there but after a few years won't you end up in the same place. Just curious. Thank you for your feedback. It is always welcome.

[roseroserose]

I don't think she's able to really fall in love with anyone right now. The affair with the MM was probably just an infatuation which gave her a kick and filled the emotional void inside of her. For a moment it worked, but the emotional void she's feeling now afterwards is much larger than the one she was feeling before. She has lost you (cause she doesn't feel connected to you anymore), she has lost the MM (who apparently lied to her about his intentions), and she might have lost the belief in herself (cause why did she fall for the MM, couldn't she have seen it coming...).

 

Another thing is that she might be experiencing a burn-out. The problems in my marriage and the emotional turmoil afterwards have certainly had this effect on me, and I just feel numb. Not able to decide, not able to truly feel anything anymore. My mind and body crave rest, distance, just being away from it all.

 

I guess she also needs to regain some peace of mind, and she will only be able to achieve that on her own. It might last a very long time before she can reconnect, and this amount of time will only be prolonged if you don't give her that space. Her head is in such a turmoil right now that she can't take your issues, or your love, it's too overbearing, that's what it seems...

 

Just let her be, let her grieve, let her release her anger on her own. I'm sure she's feeling terrible right now, because she has betrayed and has been betrayed at the same time.

 

Like I said before, just focus on yourself right now. Are there any unfulfilled dreams you would like to pursue, do them. Is there something you'd like to do now that you're on your own, which you wouldn't be able to do anymore if you're together with someone, do them now; don't wait for her, if she comes back to you and you still want her, good, you haven't wasted your time in between. If she doesn't come back, you haven't wasted your time either and you would have created a new way of life for yourself with different and maybe even more interesting roads to follow.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[LisaUk]

I can relate to what your wife must be going through cause I'm in her shoes a bit. It's not exactly the same situation, I separated from my husband and afterwards started an (only sexual) affair with a married man. I stopped seeing the married man because I wanted to myself.

 

Your wife has disconnected from you emotionally. Why? That I don't know, I guess it must have happened while you were still together. She might say now that she left because of the affair, but I actually think that the emotional disconnect happened first, making it easier on her to start an affair. She left you during the affair because then the situation became intolerable. The affair might have stopped now, but the emotional disconnect with you must still be there.

 

A part of her still loves you, that I'm sure of, I still love my husband too, but because of this emotional disconnect from my side (which also happened before the affair) I find it hard to be around him. But on the other hand I find it difficult to divorce him too. I'm in limbo. I guess your wife is stuck there too.

 

Some suggestions: If you'd like her back, don't contact her. It might create some sympathy but in the end it will only irritate or annoy her, it might give her the feeling that she's being pushed, and because of that she will only withdraw more and more. My husband makes this mistake all the time and even though I want to give it some time to see if the emotional connection could grow again, he pushes me away more and more by doing this.So, don't send her anything sweet, don't call her, don't mail her. If she calls, be friendly but not too enthousiastic. Just make sure you're active, busy and fulfilled with your own life. If she finds a way back to you, and you want it, then you know it was because she wanted to.

 

Edit- my apologies, I wrote something I have now deleted, I misread that you had already seperated from your H before you affair.

Edited November 26, 2009 by LisaUk

[hopesndreams]

It's too bad she is out of the country, how much longer will she be away for? You would be able to suss her out better if she were in your presence. All you can really do now is await her return but in the meantime, the less contact, the better, for now. Let her initiate the emails, calls, etc and let her do all the work. If she is ho hum, blah, blah, then you be the same. If she tells you she can't wait to be back in your arms, misses the h*ll of out you, etc, then there is a bit of hope for you, otherwise, don't bother putting yourself out there. Even if OM is completely out of the picture (who knows 100%) she needs to come to you. Don't set yourself up for another rejection. Play it cool.

[floridapad]

Rose - I think you hit the nail on the head with her state of mind. She is having a lot of problems putting her head around everything. Why she did it (it is not like her and I think the sense of self worth is at historical low), how could she be suckered, how she could do this to her family, was it truly love, will she "fall in love" with me again, are all things running through her head. Distance, happy short conversations I guess are the rule of the day, and I will stick with it. Wish me luck!!

 

Hopes and dreams -Yes let her do all the work is the right thing. I just feel horrible for her. Yeah Yeah I know I was the one betrayed and her pain is nothing compared to what I felt, but I have gotten alot of my Sh*t together and I am in a far better place than she is and that unconditional love inside just makes me want to help her. I hate seeing her in such a state. I truly do feel her pain and it's a bit difficult to detach from it but I know I must or I will get dragged down as well. She is 5-10" and weighs 124pnds. She has become a stick with the depression.

 

Thank you both. I spoke to her yesterday and kept the discussion light and cheery for T-day. She seemed happy to see all her old school freinds. Unfortunately when she comes back, she will have to go to the workplace where the OM is and it will simply bring her back to reality again. This trip was best for both of us. I have detached a little more and I think I can do all the right things now and give her the space she needs. As for me, hmmm I think I'm going to try Salsa again (lots of latin women down here :-), get back to karate and mountain biking again.

[cyabye]

Man, stop contacting her. Nuff said.

 

cyabye

[imagine]

I disagree with cyabye- If your in a Plan A mode, by all means send messages. Not "I love you", but things that are happening in your families life. SMS her once a day. Let her know that she is connected. Oh! Never lovebust on the phone -keep voice messages short!

 

How are you doing at home?

[hurting_in_nw]

Good luck with whatever you make of this situation. I will say though that I find it completely unfathomable how anyone would want to make things work with a cheater. IMO they are among the lowest forms of life on the planet. The best thing I ever did for myself was kicking my cheating wife to the curb. When I briefly entertained the thought of trying to make things work with her, it was out of a sense of desperation at losing everything I thought my life was about. Life is short and precious, and I simply don't ever want to waste my time and energy caring about someone who could betray me so badly. There are much more deserving people of my care, love, and friendship.

[hopesndreams]

Good luck with whatever you make of this situation. I will say though that I find it completely unfathomable how anyone would want to make things work with a cheater. IMO they are among the lowest forms of life on the planet. The best thing I ever did for myself was kicking my cheating wife to the curb. When I briefly entertained the thought of trying to make things work with her, it was out of a sense of desperation at losing everything I thought my life was about. Life is short and precious, and I simply don't ever want to waste my time and energy caring about someone who could betray me so badly. There are much more deserving people of my care, love, and friendship.

 

How long did it take you? I agree with all that you say, it's just taken me almost a year to come round to that way of thinking.

[hurting_in_nw]

I was lucky in that it happened quickly, within a week of learning of the affair. I said to her, "Whenever we used to watch a movie where love was on the rocks, you'd ask me if I would fight for you if we were in such a situation. Well, we are, and I am willing to fight for you, but only if you want me to. You owe it to me to tell me if I shouldn't." She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't want you to fight for me." So I looked her right back and said, "Fine. Then pack up your s**t and get the f**k out of this house."

 

Now, it wasn't all that easy, but that was the moment that put me on the path. What helped me continue down that path was refocusing myself on myself, my son, and the things I enjoyed in life that I had sacrificed to such a selfish woman. I'm 2-1/2 years out from it all, and it has been a long, difficult road for me with lots of bumps and bruises along the way, but I see my XW in a different light now, knowing what she was capable of. I would never dream of being anything other than a co-parent with her ever again.

[hopesndreams]

Well done hurting. That took a lot of strength.

 

You did right.

[FeelingLonely98]

Well done hurting. That took a lot of strength. You did right.

 

Yes, well done Hurting_ , I wish I could get to that spot. About three months for me and though I am trying I still feel as much for her as ever. And she gives me no reason to. I need an epiphany or something.

Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving night I have ever spent alone. (My side of the family always does a mid-afternoon gathering.)

 

FP - I think you're taking all the right steps. Keep your guard up.

And Good Luck!!

[LisaUk]

I was lucky in that it happened quickly, within a week of learning of the affair. I said to her, "Whenever we used to watch a movie where love was on the rocks, you'd ask me if I would fight for you if we were in such a situation. Well, we are, and I am willing to fight for you, but only if you want me to. You owe it to me to tell me if I shouldn't." She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I don't want you to fight for me." So I looked her right back and said, "Fine. Then pack up your s**t and get the f**k out of this house."

 

Now, it wasn't all that easy, but that was the moment that put me on the path. What helped me continue down that path was refocusing myself on myself, my son, and the things I enjoyed in life that I had sacrificed to such a selfish woman. I'm 2-1/2 years out from it all, and it has been a long, difficult road for me with lots of bumps and bruises along the way, but I see my XW in a different light now, knowing what she was capable of. I would never dream of being anything other than a co-parent with her ever again.

 

Mine didn't cheat as far as I know, but he did jilt me after 18 years together from highschool for no good reason, just thought we were incompatible apparently!

 

I wish I had the strength to think like you, sometimes I do and sometimes I am verging on taking my own life (no one worry please, I won't!). How do you decide their not worth it and then stick to it? I decide he isn't worth it and then start to waiver and think about all the s**t he threw at me, about how it was all my fault, I was too this and not enough that etc. Then I blame myself for him leaving me and then I start to think how wonderful he is all over again and boom, practically back to square one.

 

So, how do you decide and maintain it hurting in NW? Please tell me there is a way, I want to move on so badly.

[hurting_in_nw]

Mine didn't cheat as far as I know, but he did jilt me after 18 years together from highschool for no good reason, just thought we were incompatible apparently!

 

I wish I had the strength to think like you, sometimes I do and sometimes I am verging on taking my own life (no one worry please, I won't!). How do you decide their not worth it and then stick to it? I decide he isn't worth it and then start to waiver and think about all the s**t he threw at me, about how it was all my fault, I was too this and not enough that etc. Then I blame myself for him leaving me and then I start to think how wonderful he is all over again and boom, practically back to square one.

 

So, how do you decide and maintain it hurting in NW? Please tell me there is a way, I want to move on so badly.

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Really, no one deserves it. It took a long time but I rediscovered my identity and self worth outside the context of our marriage, and at that point it was easy to get away from those lingering feelings. Even when someone does something so terrible, it's hard to let them go, and let go of the years of feelings and memories that have become such a part of who you are.

 

BUT...that letting go has to happen if you're ever going to move on. And you deserve to move on! There are so many people out there, and whether you see it now or not, there will be someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are. The first step though is loving yourself to the point where you are all you need, if that makes sense. You may think you're there many times only to find out you're not, and that's a step back, but you keep trying, and you don't give in to anger and bitterness. I did and it was consuming me, until finally I realized that I deserved better for myself.