Exposure is complete What next??

[hurting_in_nw]

Yes, well done Hurting_ , I wish I could get to that spot. About three months for me and though I am trying I still feel as much for her as ever. And she gives me no reason to. I need an epiphany or something.

 

Start doing things for yourself. Things YOU like to do, not things you liked doing as a couple. You know those things you did, those shows you watched, the music you listened to, that she didn't like? Immerse yourself in those things. Rediscover who you were the day you met her and think about the things you did then that made you feel complete. You'll get there. It will take time, but you'll get there.

 

Three months out for me, I fell madly in love with a new girl, who promised me the world, marriage...everything I had just lost. And I bought it hook, line, and sinker, thought all was well with the world again. When that went south, everything came back again, and I realized I had no business getting involved with anyone so soon after. It took a good two years before I was truly ready for anything serious. And the reason it took so long was because I had to get to a place where my happiness was no longer dependent on somebody else.

[FeelingLonely98]

When that went south, everything came back again,

 

I had to get to a place where my happiness was no longer dependent on somebody else.

 

Why did it go south? If you feel like sharing...

 

And I KNOW the bold part is true ... I just have to give that time.

I hope this is NOT true but something in me tells me I will never be as happy as I was with her. (God, I was so in love and happy. After 16 yrs I still got excited to see her every day. Talked about her all the time to anyone.)

 

TY H_IN_NW

[PWSX3]

I think I'm going to try Salsa again (lots of latin women down here :-), get back to karate and mountain biking again.

Off subject, how can you ride a "mountain" bike in Florida????:laugh::laugh:

 

I am a roadie, I do have the mountains but when you fall off it really hurts.

 

It's so good to hear when people have moved on, figure out it's about you & the other person can't have any more control over you.

 

This year was the first time I've done Thanksgiving with someone besides family & it was so much fun to see how others celebrate.

Just made me realize even more there is so much out there to see or enjoy beside what we "thought" was our world.

 

I look at it like eating ice cream. if you are one that likes vanilla or chocolate, just look at all the other flavors that you would never try yet other people love them so they can't all be bad.

[hurting_in_nw]

Well for starters neither of us was in a position to be in a serious relationship. She was separated (or so she told me) and I was still processing the loss of my marriage. All that aside, she turned out to be a coward and a liar, two things that go together so well! Funny thing is, the guy I am now, she wouldn't have lasted two weeks with me before I was on to her s**t. But back then, I was so in need of loving someone and being loved I ignored every red flag and looking back was a complete fool for 10 months.

[floridapad]

pwsx3 - We have HUGE trash mountains LOL. Actually I have lived in Colorado and California and I find some of the trails down here very tricky.

 

Hurting in NW - I respect your view on dumping the cheater. It's strange because if you asked me 10 years ago if I would dump my wife if she cheated I would have said "Yes" in a second. But there are reasons I am sticking with it for now:

 

1) three kids ranging from 3-13. They are taking the seperation hard but still believe that we are not getting divorced.

2) We have 20 years of history together. This women who has reared her ugly head over the last year is not the one I have known for 20 years. She always gave in the marriage while I always took or rather I took more than I gave.

3) Our in-laws are like our extended families. We are SO intertwined with each others families.

4) Shared friends accumulated over the years

5) Infidelity rates are at an all time high (something like 40-50%). The way I see it is if she is enduring the hell she is right now (which she definately is) my chances of running into this Sh*t with her again go way way down compared to a normal marriage because she will remember oh so painfully what it is like. Odd the way I think.

6) I still love her.

7) I know two couples whose wives had an affair and finally "came back" and their wives treated their husbands better than ever before and vice versa and they are living a very happy marriage. Both in love.

 

Now..Having said that, there is NO WAY I would take her back unless she made the changes I need her to make. She is incapable right now but I'm in no hurry to rush off and get remarried or to find love. Date? Maybe again. I took a hiatus from it but may start again.

 

Thanks all for the input. I'll let you know how it goes.

[FeelingLonely98]

pwsx3 - We have HUGE trash mountains LOL. Actually I have lived in Colorado and California and I find some of the trails down here very tricky.

 

Hurting in NW - I respect your view on dumping the cheater. It's strange because if you asked me 10 years ago if I would dump my wife if she cheated I would have said "Yes" in a second. But there are reasons I am sticking with it for now:

 

1) three kids ranging from 3-13. They are taking the seperation hard but still believe that we are not getting divorced.

2) We have 20 years of history together. This women who has reared her ugly head over the last year is not the one I have known for 20 years. She always gave in the marriage while I always took or rather I took more than I gave.

3) Our in-laws are like our extended families. We are SO intertwined with each others families.

4) Shared friends accumulated over the years

5) Infidelity rates are at an all time high (something like 40-50%). The way I see it is if she is enduring the hell she is right now (which she definately is) my chances of running into this Sh*t with her again go way way down compared to a normal marriage because she will remember oh so painfully what it is like. Odd the way I think.

6) I still love her.

7) I know two couples whose wives had an affair and finally "came back" and their wives treated their husbands better than ever before and vice versa and they are living a very happy marriage. Both in love.

 

Now..Having said that, there is NO WAY I would take her back unless she made the changes I need her to make. She is incapable right now but I'm in no hurry to rush off and get remarried or to find love. Date? Maybe again. I took a hiatus from it but may start again.

 

Thanks all for the input. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

Excellent points FP. Keep on your path. Be strong. Think of #1 - that means YOU!

[floridapad]

I had dinner with the in-laws tonight and the mother in-law asked me a question "what are your expectations when she gets back?" she asked. I said "zero". Her mom is so heart broken. She is the wise old mom that knows her daughter is doing wrong and it is killing her. I told her I am a patient man but at the end of the day if her version of love is based on feelings she had in an affair then she should go find that. Her mom said it was not love but infatuation and she will see that. "Yes I know" I said. "But the longer it takes to figure that out the more respect I lose for her". That is what it all comes down to. Loss of respect. How do you get that back? I told her if I didn't know her for who she was fr the last 20 years or if her parents didn't raise her in a moral background then I would have been gone. She simply says "Please be patient". I love her mom so much but I have my life and when my looooong last ditch effort is over it is over. Period.....

 

Just rambling. Thanks for listening.

[floridapad]

Well the STBXW came back Thursday from her "leave of abscence" in Italy. I kept conversation light and no talk of R or anything deep. Actually she started talking about herself. Deep stuff. She visited all of her childhood friends and it really helped her see a little of who she once was. As upset as I was for her picking up and going on "vacation" back home for a few weeks I think it did both of us good as individuals. Where do I go from here is the question I ask?

 

I have read a lot of material about divorce busting, stopping your divorce etc. etc. and this is my two cents on it all.

 

Divorcebusters - Read the book and spoke to a coach. Not bad. Good insightful stuff. 180's really helped me but I don't see the 180 solution being long term because you would lose yourself. Great for the short term though and detaching.

 

marriagebuilders - reviewed the site and spoke to one of the Hartley coaches. They suggested I write the "letter" (path back to love and happy relationship) which I did, which partly resulted in my W running off to Italy. I think it was good. This to me is the most genuine marriage building site out there. However, their approach doesn't have enough focus on the self during the healing period. I felt like I was focusing too much on the R and M and not enough on myself. Great principles though.

 

Homer Mc Donald - Agree with the spouse on everything (so says Homer)????? wow I have a tough time with this after everything she did. But I have to tell you, it works for ME. I just started this approach. It helps me just let go of my W's Bullsh*t. It genuinely makes me happier because I just nod, agree and let it go. I don't get caught up in trying to counter everything she is saying or getting defensive or arguing my position. I just say "yeah I hear where you are coming from. I agree". Oddly enough of the three approaches I have been using this one helps me the best. It helps me let go of trying to be right or trying to have her see my pain or trying to get her back. I know this sounds strange but agreeing with her somehow empowers me. I know I can't explain it. Very odd

 

 

I'm sticking with the Homer plan for now. It works best for ME.

 

I'll let you all know how it goes.

 

BTW my stbxw asked what I was doing for Christmas and I said I don't know. She can have the kids Christmas Eve and morning and I will have them for Christmas dinner. She later came back and "told" me I should come over for Christmas eve and stay the night. I simply said "we'll see".

 

I think I probably should. What do you all think?

[frozensprouts]

Hello floridapad,

My husband cheated on me, we are back together, but in some ways, I am right where you are.

 

It sounds like you love you wife unconditionally, which is good. We saw a marriage counselor, and one of the things that she pointed out to my husband is that I loved him unconditionally, and that most people spend their lives trying to find that kind of love- maybe it's not the "fireworks" type of thing ( lots of color and flash, intense but over just as quickly as it started), but it's the kind that endures, will always be there , and will not judge him or his actions. It's the kind that can see a person at their worst moments, but it still carries on.

That sounds , at least to me, like the love you have for your wife.

 

Mind you, that does not mean that you have to put up with c*&^p from her, but it does sound like you are giving her the space and understanding that she needs to sort things out for herself.You can't do that for her- it may be torture for you to have to sit back and watch, but it's really all you you can do- let her know that you love her, will be there, but the rest is up to her. One thing that I have learned is that a wayward spouse has to "come back' from heir own accord. Sometimes the only reason they come back is for the kids, the "family', etc. I know that it may not be the "popular view" but sometimes that is not a bad thing. It brings them back and gives them a chance to find the "love" that they feel they've lost. My own parents went through that, and from what they told me when I asked about it as an adult (during my own crisis) they both told me that my dad, at first, only stayed "because of the kids". but after a few weeks, when the "fog" started to lift, and he was able to put the time and energy he had spent on the affair and give it to his marriage, they started to "find each other again". That was about 30 years ago. They are still married now (over 40 years) and they love each other and consider each other to be "their best friends". every year my mom takes a trip for a few weeks with my aunt ( not my dad's thing) and after a day he's calling because he's bored and missing her. She takes a million pictures, etc. as is always so excited to sit down with mydad and share them with him( he's always the first person she wants to show them to. They have been there for each other through my dad's heart attack and bypass surgery. my mom's cancer, my brother's divorce, my problems, etc., and they are always a great source of strength for one another. Their actions speak louder than words ever could.

 

not every marriage can be saved. but if you BOTH want it, and are willing to do the hard work it will take, you may have a shot at saving yours. it sounds like the love is still there, but it's pretty battered and bruised right now, and in need of some time to heal and repair the damage done. she may very well be "withdrawal' from her affair, as well as suffering from stress and guilt over what she did to you and your family ( and also herself). give her some time- and if things don't work out, you'll be able to say that you gave it your best shot, which will make it easier to move on.

[2.50 a gallon]

This will take some thinking. If I read you right, at first you wanted to reconcile, but have since backed up to fence sitting.

 

As to the 3 philosophy's take what you need from each. Customize it to your own needs.

 

Also, not sure how in the past when you were still a couple, how did you celebrate Christmas? Outside lights, inside decoration?

 

My first thought would be to "F" with her mind, go all out on your own, become Mr. HoHoHo and not bah-humbug. I would do this for many reasons. To catch her eye, to catch the eye of other possible female partners, (it builds your karma), do it for yourself and especially the 3 kids. If you can, out do her. Become a christmas kid yourself. I am not talking about super gifts, but gifts of yourself, bake them cookies, Duncan Hines has a pineapple upside down cake mix, it is easy. No R talk, this is the season of giving, be giving, to everybody. You are doing this for you and the kids. Your moving on, give her a peak of what she is missing. She is a teacher, she most likely has an empathy with kids. She will notice. No R talk, this is all about giving my kids the best Christmas ever. If she wants to play apart, let her, but keep her detached, let her have a taste, but not the full meal

 

Yes if you are strong enough, spend Christmas with her. No breaking down and begging, play it as it your are moving on, but still Ho-Ho-Ho friendly. The door is not totally closed, and it she wants to be part of this, she has an opportunity to open it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Delete Double post

Edited December 6, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon
double post

[hopesndreams]

I would suggest not having Christmas with her. That gives her the 2 x 4 to the head that she NEEDS to understand what life will be like without you. She needs to grovel. You've been busy reading the books, wanting to work things out with her and she, well, she gives a little. It isn't enough!!! If you two do get back together, make darn sure she won't be cheating on you again. How would you be able to do that? No idea. That's why it's best to let the cheater go.

 

I think that once cheated on and then there is a reconciliation, how does one not detach from the person that has caused them such great pain? The resentments, the lack of trust, the re-visiting of the A, mental images, etc...is it worth it? Is it worth having the person back into your life after they have done the unthinkable? Unconditional love eh? God hates infidelity and it's your ticket to end the M.

[floridapad]

Alright. I saw my W talking on cell phone to a new man for the last week for hours. I gave her the letter for Plan B and I am MOVING on. I'm going to be as dark as can be but still manage the kids. I need to detach and having Christmas with the W and family, knowing she had a new love interest, would have been too much pain for me to handle. I would rather spend it alone than have to look across the table at her. For some reason this feels right. For now that is. Wish me luck in my moving on process.

[curiou]

Aw, that sucks, floridapad!

 

Walk-away wives can really mess with your mind. The highs and lows.

 

Is plan B the no-contact plan? I've always felt that is strongest. Gives you some space to regroup and put yourself in a position of power. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, you can look back and say at least you didn't grovel.

 

Good luck.

[hopesndreams]

Good luck. You're doing the only thing you can do, the only thing that has a chance of working and if it doesn't, o well, you are moving on. She can stuff it.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey FP, I am so sad to hear of your wife's most recent hurtful behaviour. She is one very confused lady and you probably have no choice but to pull right back from her. What a mess...that is about all I can say.

 

JD

[trippi1432]

Hey FP, cut your losses...you'll be better off in the long run.

[2.50 a gallon]

Damn another disappointment, I was afraid something like this would happen. Take pride in that you did give it your best shot, and left the door open for her. A better man than me.

 

Also time for Plan X. Some day when this is over I will love again. Her name is X. For now my first priority is to get my life in order, to move on and become a better man. I am not doing this for X, I am doing this for me, and by doing this I do not need to look for X as she will eventually appear, once I get my life in order.

[floridapad]

I was afraid of this too. The IC several months back told me she was definately in MLC and wanted to be "in love". Not any kind of love but those butter flies in the stomach that can only come from the first few years of a relationship. She turned forty, 14 years of marriage, three children and BAM, it's time to regain my youth and "in love" feelings (Too many Disney Princess movies with my 3 yr old D perhaps :-)). The IC also said she will end up in the same place with any other man she is with because she is so focused on having feelings from someone else that when the relationship progresses through time and the romantic feelings go away she will not be able to transition to the mature love stage. I do feel sorry for her despite the pain she has caused. One day it will hit her square in the eyes and all of the butterflies that she will have had will be distant memories, but separated children and a broken family is something that lasts a life time.

 

I hope she finds someone who she can love beyond just the initial stages and someone who will love her and my kids. A happy mother makes for happy children.

 

Time for me to truly start envisioning a life completely void of her. She is dead and gone until I can get myself back and deal with everything. This Christmas is going to suck. The funny thing is, this plan B I'm sure came as a complete surprise to her. Her family loves me but now they will only see a person who is trying to exact revenge on their daughter by splitting Christmas and they will not know it is because she has begun seeing someone else. If they knew they would understand. I know I shouldn't care . I guess I have to consider all of my in-laws, nieces, dead and gone as well.

Edited December 12, 2009 by floridapad

[2.50 a gallon]

Are you sure it is not the old OM?

 

There has been enough time for him to reinvent a new story line

 

Rock bottom for her, is when she hears that daddy has a new friend, he likes her a lot

[imagine]

You do not need to share information with the family. You need to say that through a secret resource "they" have told you that she is dating.

 

There is no reason to disbelieve you. Who knows, maybe they will toss her...

[FeelingLonely98]

Hey FP, cut your losses...you'll be better off in the long run.

 

trippi - we need to get FP drunk on about 10 martinis when you come down here to Ft. Laud.!!

 

FP - You are doing the only thing you can do now. DAMN, you have rollercoastered more than most here Brother!

 

MY rollercoaster is mostly in MY head. Not really caused by the actions of my STBXW. She flipped a switch in AUG and just basically eliminated me from her life - forever - without ever trying to fix whatever the problem was. Her? Me? Me and Her? We will never know. In a way her hateful actions helped me. Thanks Wife!!! love ya...

[floridapad]

Thank you all for the support you have provided me. It truly has been enormously appreciated. So many view points all unique and full of wisdom in their own way.

 

Day 1 NC plan B. Wife texted me three times. Typical children house BS. Not an emergency. I responded to nothing. I have started working on envisioning my life with out her. I have the kids today. Wow it has been great. All the love I have inside of me for my wife will now be committed solely to the children. We went out shopping for Christmas decorations for my apartment and I am doing it up right. The 13 yr D gave me Hell for splitting Christmas this year. "All I could say is this is divorce and this is how it is. I did not want this. Your mother did" She oddly enough settled down and is fine with me now. My W of course invited me over to stay the night Christmas Eve so my children are wondering why I am not going. If they only knew what she has done to me, them and ultimately herself. How could I sit accross the table from a woman who has done what she has done and not even tried to look inside herself for herself.

 

I know my wife well. She has shed many tears over this but can not help the little "voice" inside that says "go explore your life". Unfortunately, most people that leave a decent M and family eventually realize that life is not what they "fantasized " it to be.

 

I know some of you on LS don't fully understand how I could endure the road I have traveled over the last year and a half. I have posted pictures of my daughters so that perhaps you can understand why I had to try EVERYTHING in my mind heart, mind and soul to reconnect with my W. My children are feeling the affects of this hard.

 

OK enough sulking. Trippi...I hear you are coming down and singing for us (or so I hear). I do have a guitar in my apartment ironically enough. We can go out, talk and just let loose. FL98 and I will be your "wingmen" and find plenty of men to flirt with or.....we can just bitch about the ex's. I'm sure it will be all of the above. NO MORE SULKING.

 

OK my 3 yr old just went "kaka" so I need to go take care of some "business".

Edited December 13, 2009 by floridapad

[hopesndreams]

I know some of you on LS don't fully understand how I could endure the road I have traveled over the last year and a half. I have posted pictures of my daughters so that perhaps you can understand why I had to try EVERYTHING in my mind heart, mind and soul to reconnect with my W. My children are feeling the affects of this hard.

 

I understand the whys. You fought the good fight. Now it's time to grieve, rest and find peace.

[FeelingLonely98]

The 13 yr D gave me Hell for splitting Christmas this year. "All I could say is this is divorce and this is how it is. I did not want this. Your mother did" She oddly enough settled down and is fine with me now.

 

OK enough sulking. Trippi...I hear you are coming down and singing for us (or so I hear). I do have a guitar in my apartment ironically enough. We can go out, talk and just let loose. FL98 and I will be your "wingmen" and find plenty of men to flirt with or.....we can just bitch about the ex's. I'm sure it will be all of the above. NO MORE SULKING.

 

OK my 3 yr old just went "kaka" so I need to go take care of some "business".

 

FP - after what you've talked to me about - this bold part made me feel so happy for you. Maybe you can talk to the 13 yr old about the "truth"?