Exposure is complete What next??

[Gunny376]

Do not ~ I repeat under any circumstances discuss in explicit details with your children about "the truth" Keep it vague ~ and you did right by the way in keeping it short and simple BTW ~ that this is divorce. The 'new reality' of our lives and we're all are going to have to help one another make the necessary adjustments to and with our lives.

 

If your a parent going though a divorce a really good book to read ~ almost a 'must read' is

 

]Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce by Judith Wallerstein and [COLOR=#003399]Sandra Blakeslee

 

Judith and Sandra were commissioned by the State of California to study the effects of divorce of children of divorce. They found that children are affected by divorce mentally, psychologically, emotionally ~ into their teens, twenties, thirties and even their forties.

 

The book is a virtual blueprint as to how to go about dealing with the issues of divorce and children.

 

Initially they assume that one year after the divorce and the dust had settled that children improvised, adapted and over-came. Not so. The affects of their parents divorce very much has an impact upon their adult lives and the decision that make.

 

My parents divorced when I was six. My Mother re-married and moved to Texas. As a six year old little boy I swore I would never get divorced when I grew up and got married.

 

Only to discover in adulthood, that I'm not the only one to make that choice.

 

The simple truth of the matter is? It takes two to make it? But only one to break it.

 

That combined with a deeply hidden and buried 'separation anxiety' only made my divorce worse. It took me a long time to recognize that about my makeup and to come to terms with it. (Now? See Ya! Wouldn't Want To Be Ya!"

[floridapad]

Received a call from her sister in Italy today. I let it go to voice mail. She wanted "to talk". She had heard I was not doing Christmas this year and wondered why everything changed so quickly. Can't tell her about my STBXW's new BF because she will know I have access to her cell phone account.

 

I'm just going to tell her a "light bulb" went off in my head and I have finally realized I need to move on with my life alone and my W can go live her life to find someone to fall "in love" with. I know my mother in-law will be the next to call. Then my brother in-law.

 

The stbxw stopped by my place to day. First time in 4 months. She came by to give me some clothes for the children. Fortunately I was walking down stairs outside as she was coming to the front door and she said something about the clothes, I took them, said thanks, and turned around back up stairs.

 

Her family are all in bewilderment over my sudden NC. I spoke to MY brother today and obviously was able to tell him the whole story. He said "screw the bitch". She wants her BF and her perfect family Christmas so she doesn't have to leave fantasy land. She still doesn't get it.

[trippi1432]

We went out shopping for Christmas decorations for my apartment and I am doing it up right. The 13 yr D gave me Hell for splitting Christmas this year. "All I could say is this is divorce and this is how it is. I did not want this. Your mother did" She oddly enough settled down and is fine with me now. My W of course invited me over to stay the night Christmas Eve so my children are wondering why I am not going. If they only knew what she has done to me, them and ultimately herself. How could I sit accross the table from a woman who has done what she has done and not even tried to look inside herself for herself.

 

I know my wife well. She has shed many tears over this but can not help the little "voice" inside that says "go explore your life". Unfortunately, most people that leave a decent M and family eventually realize that life is not what they "fantasized " it to be.

 

I have posted pictures of my daughters so that perhaps you can understand why I had to try EVERYTHING in my mind heart, mind and soul to reconnect with my W. My children are feeling the affects of this hard.

 

OK enough sulking. Trippi...I hear you are coming down and singing for us (or so I hear). I do have a guitar in my apartment ironically enough. We can go out, talk and just let loose. FL98 and I will be your "wingmen" and find plenty of men to flirt with or.....we can just bitch about the ex's. I'm sure it will be all of the above. NO MORE SULKING.

 

OK my 3 yr old just went "kaka" so I need to go take care of some "business".

 

Hi FP - It's truly hard when you have kids, sometimes even harder when you have teenagers...they are already going through so many life changes at that age...hormones all over the place. My 14 year old son typically comes back from his weekend visits with dad now (staying at the GF's place) as the "Spawn of Satan"...I humerously refer to it that way at least. Typically I get the brunt of it all, but I also realize (as much as it hurts) to not take it personally, he's working through his own emotions. The best that I can do is be there for him and let him know that I love him, when he's older I have to hope that he will see the light.

 

It may be good that she could rebound so quickly after you talked to her, teenagers these days can be brutally honest about their blame and emotions - even when aimed at the parent who didn't cause all the heartache. You want to defend yourself, but sometimes it is best to empathize with them as much as you can. You know their hurt, you are feeling it too....you didn't want this either. My son really doesn't see or know about how the GF came about (EA turned to affair....STBXH is not admitting to anything there) so he is ok with the GF, so he says, but he also hates on me while he's there. Be prepared when you and your STBXW hit this stage, the kids are going to need your empathy, support and understanding from both sides even more. Loving your kids unconditionally is the best support you can give them emotionally...hang in there.

 

Bitching about the ex's...LOL! Plenty of that right? If the plans fall through, I will definitely raise a martini glass in both yours and FL98's honor.

[floridapad]

I spoke to the sister in-law today (STBXW's sister). She pleaded with me to do Christmas with them. She kept saying to give it time. I told her I thought my STBXW was dating and that was an indication to me that she wants something else in life so I needed to move on. She said yes move on and date but don't simply write it off. She knows her sister is messed up. It seems like everyone is looking to me to hold it together while my W goes through her MLC. I told her I can't do it anymore. I need to move forward with my life and I have too much love for my STBXW and I want it go away and be done with and the only way I know how is to start over and cut her out of my life. After a 30 minute conversation she finaly said she agreed with me. She knows her sister will carry a sadness with her for the rest of her life but she knows I must do what I have to do to make me happy. She said she loved me and hopes she can still see me when they come into town for Christmas. I know blood is thicker than water, but it's nice to hear her own sister takes sides with me....for now.

 

I am so confused about Christmas. The children are blaming me for not doing it together. They want me to at least go to church with them. I am completely torn but this is my life now and I have to get used to it. It would be too painful to "play" family knowing that my STBXW is trying so hard to find "love" somewhere else. The children need to get used to this as well. This, afterall, is their new life, thanks to their mommy wanting to go find those "in love" feelings.

[GoodDad]

Ah FP, I feel so bad for you my friend...

 

Don't take it hard about the kids being upset. They are victims in this and don't understand what is going on and have just as much of a roller coaster and just want things to be fixed and they just won't be that easily. Only time will do that. Just be as supportive as you can for them and still keep your sanity and own mental health in check.

 

This is going to be a rough holiday's for all of us in up and down or down and out situations, but as my Grandma always said, "This too shall pass."

 

Try to keep your head on straight and hang in there.

 

GD

[BearMox]

just got done reading your story floridapad.

 

the interesting part is when I finally exposed my wifes affair and we had the full exposure talk I gave her two ultimatums, change your job and meet weekly with a positive influence.

 

she filed the next day. i caught her crying and pining for her lover even a couple weeks after.

 

I now see that two types of responses exist when you are a freshly confronted cheater: you make a 180 and do whatever it takes to save your marriage or you just stay in the fog and throw it away.

 

who gets granted passage from the fog is probably up to God.

[FeelingLonely98]

just got done reading your story floridapad.

 

the interesting part is when I finally exposed my wifes affair and we had the full exposure talk I gave her two ultimatums, change your job and meet weekly with a positive influence.

 

she filed the next day. i caught her crying and pining for her lover even a couple weeks after.

 

I now see that two types of responses exist when you are a freshly confronted cheater: you make a 180 and do whatever it takes to save your marriage or you just stay in the fog and throw it away.

 

who gets granted passage from the fog is probably up to God.

 

Truer words never spoken, huh?

It seems that God very rarely grants this passage out of the fog - and probably only to the best of His flock.

[floridapad]

I "intercepted" an e-mail between my stbxw and her friend in Italy. Her friend asked her if she has made a desicion. My wife said she made the decision not to return. Her friend "Brava" you made the right decision. Once the "spell" has been broken it is almost impossible to return. "almost" I agree. But not having even tried. Well that is something she will have to live with for the rest of her life. The fact that she went from one man to the next. The fact that she makes these decisions while still grieving a lover but moving on with a new BF. This situation for her will hit her like a ton of break years down the road.

 

Now I must grieve although it doesn't hurt as much anymore I know I will have backslides. To me I must think she no longer exists. Go dark as night to get her out of my system so that one day we can have a decent parenting relationship. Right now it is hard.

[GoodDad]

Yikes FP...

 

Going from one to the next like that, she is the one who will not heal properly and bring her problems into the next relationship. You on the other hand are going to grieve, and be down, but heal, get healthy and be a much stronger person and better parent for it. You have a lot to offer and when you want that again, and I know you aren't even close to there yet, you will be ready.

 

Hang in there and take it day by day.

[sumdude]

Ouch.. that's too bad FP I was holding out some hope for your marriage to recover. At least now you know the deal and you know what you have to do.

 

Sadly it's like Gunny says and most of us have experienced. Once a woman thinks and says she's done? She's done... past the point of no return.

 

Stay strong and keep moving forward.

[nobmagnet]

i feel sad but releived you have reached a point of fact. She has gone. You can now move on as you say! Life is going to be tough for a while I am sure of that but you are the stable strong parent and your kids will always see that in you even though at their age they dont realise it.

 

You strenghth courage and patience thoughout this terrible situation has been inspiring. You have two things your wife does not have..............dignaty and class.

 

I doff my cap to you sir' xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[floridapad]

Thank you all for the support. I am receiving so much pressure from her family and my children to do the Christmas thing together. It would just be so hard to sit at a table with her family that I love and who loves me knowing that my wife is out looking for a replacement. The do not know about her new bf so it looks a little like I'm the spoiled child who can't get what he wants and is taking it out on everyone. I don't want to tell them because then she'll know I have her cell phone account PW. May need that stuff in divorce so I don't want to give it up. I'm torn and ripped apart because of this Christmas thing. I'm trying to figure out how I can let them know that she has a new BF and I need to move on and have my family.

 

Odd thing is her sister does not give up hope. Huh? My own brother says to screw my W and move on including her family (which he adores). This is such a mess.

Edited December 15, 2009 by floridapad

[mark982]

i understand not wanting to tell so you don't lose the pw. but if you know who the om is why can't you just have her followed and get picsplus if i remember correctly fla. a no fault state,would it really make a difference?

[GorillaTheater]

i understand not wanting to tell so you don't lose the pw. but if you know who the om is why can't you just have her followed and get picsplus if i remember correctly fla. a no fault state,would it really make a difference?

 

I agree. If you're going to divorce her, it's hard to see what it will hurt by laying your cards out, especially if you don't reveal where exactly you got your info from.

 

Has your attorney advised you that there's merit to playing all of this so close to the vest?

[2.50 a gallon]

fp

 

Man you are in a tough spot. I totally understand why you would want to avoid Christmas at the in-laws. That is what I would do. But, you can't tell the kids why, and with out an explanation it is like you are taking away half of their Christmas.

 

Amongst my best childhood Christmas memories are the times we spent with my grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. A half century later the closeness, sharing and especially the aromas are still vivid in my memory. Christmas has never been that good again.

 

This is war do not give away your source of information. You never know what key information you might come across. Such as her future plans. I'm not saying she would, but spouse have been known to grab the kids and go underground. That is just one for instance I can think of.

 

Luck to you

 

Gallon

[hopesndreams]

Such as her future plans. I'm not saying she would, but spouse have been known to grab the kids and go underground

 

Seriously doubt there is any chance of that in this case. She hasn't for one minute thought about her children in all this mess. She is too busy cheatin'. Kids tend to get in the way and take precious time away from their selfish selves.

 

During holidays, the selfish one tends to draw those important to them near, mostly for appearance sake otherwise they look like monsters.

[whichwayisup]

You can tell them you have strong suspicions that there's someone else. If she thinks it's because of the phone, just don't answer her. For all she knows, you could have hired a PI.

 

For the sake of the kids, go. Do it for them, and only focus on them.

[confusedinky]

I am planning on confronting my wife tonight that I know she is still in contact with the OM... how I know is I too have her cell phone pw. I think I am just going to tell her, who cares? Trust is broken, she's a liar and I am in a no fault state as well. I am at the point with this that the only chance we have for a future is to rebuild trust @ this point it's up to her to do that NOT ME! So if she wants to hide things, sneak around and not be honest it's more telling then me having a password so I can keep checking up on her. Just my 2 cents.

[floridapad]

I wrote an e-mail to my sister in law telling her I felt there was another male "interest" in my W's life and explained why I can't do Christmas. I told my SIL that I still loved my W and hoped for a reconciliation down the road but know that there is somone new I must protect myself. She forwarded it to my W. I saw my W send the e-mail to her friend and my W added the following:

 

"My sister thinks he is not correct. It's ironic because he is right even though my new "male interest" is really nothing....if anything it made me realize that if this is happening with a NEW interest, it would DEFINATELY happen with (my name). I am just not ready. BUT I don't think there is much else I can do at this point....."

 

Her freind responded that she should be alone.

 

I am Plan B all the way, detaching and staying dark.

[confusedinky]

Dude,

 

I am sorry it's going this way for you... I am not sure how healthy it is for you to be reading all of this stuff (I am in the same boat and about to give up my passwords although I am teetering a bit on giving them all up), if she's not "showing" any work toward reconciling what's the point of beating yourself up reading her emails? Trust me I understand wanting to KNOW for sure but at some point I think you have to start moving forward again.

[floridapad]

Confused - Yep I hear what you are saying. you reach a point where you have had enough and I'm there. I'm not going to give up the PW's in the likely event of divorce. I will want the intel. I am going dark and I do not intend to read her e-mails anymore because I have reached a point where they really serve no purpose.

[FeelingLonely98]

Confused - Yep I hear what you are saying. you reach a point where you have had enough and I'm there. I'm not going to give up the PW's in the likely event of divorce. I will want the intel. I am going dark and I do not intend to read her e-mails anymore because I have reached a point where they really serve no purpose.

 

My Brother - I also had email PW and stopped checking it daily almost two months ago. THen it was just weekly, now only once in the past month. It helps you detach. NC. Go dark. Underground. (In your case go as LC as possible because of the kids - you can't do strictly NC.)

[trippi1432]

Proof is proof maybe for your own validation, guaranteed she will have explanations or excuses (I knew you were reading my email and wanted to teach you a lesson - comes to mind)....don't use them to torture yourself with though...memories are torture enough.

 

I looked, I obsessed trying to find an answer....one week on the cell phone (then turned it off and quit checking the records), 3 weeks on the email (then canceled the account). A few weeks later and his "soul-mate" finally came out of hiding (of course it's not what I think). Fact is, when you stop looking for it, you will find the answer - you might not ever have the full truth - but you have to believe what you can see.

[Itried]

Wow, in a twisted sort of way, I wish I was in your position....the not knowing is so painful.

 

I do feel happy for you as there is closure in a sense but like you said, you have a decision to make.

 

I actually left my first wife when my 8 year old son (only child) cried to me as he told me his mother told him not to say anything...he said he could not lie to me. Anyway, I ended my marriage, she was so calleous in her response when I confronted her. I don't think she understood the seriousness of the situation so I pulled chalks and left....and it was the most painful time in my life...I still suffer anxiety as this was not the life I wanted for my son.

 

So, if you have kids, think about them and her response....that is all I can say, the decision is yours to make and live by....for the rest of your life!

 

 

PS...Hey, Im down the road from you in Miami!!

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

FP has done what any sensible man would do in such situation .. take an objective view before acting, as only he will live with the consequences. I have read you posts and felt you cannot do anymore. You now need to move on as painful as it may be.

 

Your wife's friend in Italy is a 'true' friend of hers, I bet. She really knows how to pick her friends. It is clear she has taken sides and not being objective. She tells her what she wants to hear not what she needs to hear in such difficult times ... not that she will listen anyway.

 

My 2 cents is that once her affair with the first man ended and she is still out there rather than moving towards you it was obvious she wasn't coming home. You have done everything to move towards her direction, but yet she still wants to continue with her butterflies.

 

Bro, you have to start looking after yourself ... time to move on. I feel for you.